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If you love your husband and want a happy marriage, don't bring your mother into your home.
If you're looking for a way to get your husband to resent you and leave you, bringing your mother (or any other stray relative or friend) into your home is a sure bet.
My grandmother lived w/ one of her daughters, my aunt. The spouse of the daughter was always under strain living w/ her, but he was overall very good natured. It stressed the children, then living at home, too. My uncle adjusted and survived by "playing games" with his MIL. He would hide her MOM bottle that she would use and things like that, just to keep himself sane I think.
please do not move her into your home. My neighbor had her MIL live with her for 2 years and “hated every minute of it” I’ve had my MIL stay in our home after hospital care and it was just awful. Thankfully my husband and I are on the same page and found an AL community nearby for her to move into. Things are better but she’s still a lot of work.
I have my mother in my home. The only reason this even remotely works for me and my husband is that my mother became bedridden before I took her in. There were associated care issues that led me to make that decision because institutional care is very poor for bedridden people. As crazy as it sounds I can tell you from experience that even though it isn’t easy, I think it is easier than dealing with a mobile person loose in your house who you have to constantly watch and supervise. My advice? Think long and hard about taking this on. My father is also living. Recently we moved him from his house in another state to a nearby AL. I bring him to my house fairly frequently to visit and see my mother. But, those visits are exhausting. He is all over the place, talking nonsense and has stopped up my half bath toilet twice. He argues, talks over TV shows and movies, occasionally falls and generally expects the world to revolve around him. If you can find a suitable AL you will be happier, your husband will be happier, and your father will have to adjust. That is a better plan IMO. Good luck.
Yes, it is much more difficult when the LO with dementia is mobile. My 100-yr old Aunt with advanced dementia had to wear an alarm to alert us when she attempted to get out of her chair because she was just mobile enough to stand up but not balance or walk without assistance. She eventually "escaped" her bed one night, fell and broker her hip. Before she passed I was about to get her assessed for facility care but didn't know if they'd be able to take her into LTC because she was such a fall risk. In rehab she was still attempting to get out of bed, with her broken hip. She actually passed in rehab, one day before the assessment. It was a mercy.
Does your husband accept the idea now? If he does not, you are not going to ever change that. Find another solution that you and your husband can both be on board with.
Short answer: You don't. I read so much about people bringing their parents into their marital home and it ends in disaster. It is no longer your home and your household will be centered around a stubborn old person. There will be constant laundering done to try to mask the smell of urine and feces. Furniture will be destroyed by bouts of incontinence and diarrhea.
Sure, go ahead and let mother move in and face a divorce down the road..
I work as a Certified Nursing Assistant and Home Health Aide and seen these elderly people manipulate, throw tantrums and blame the person who is doing the most. Trust me, you will not get any help from siblings.
Even from a worker's perspective, this takes a toll on us too. We may seem calm and collective on the outside, but these situations sometimes want to make me pull my hair out. Especially after you showered and dressed a client later to find out they have had diarrhea ten minutes before your shift ends.
Then you find out from others that these old folks have been calling other relatives telling lies on you after you open up your home and heart to them. Your spouse resents you and the kids move out as fast as they can. Then to top it off, you are bone tired, your joints ache and you got this old toothless tyrant nagging at you. All I can say, if you decide to go down this path, welcome to dysfunction.
I have an elderly sister who threw a tantrum because I refused to become a POA for her. I had my mother and my disabled sister to care for years ago. Now, I wonder if the reason I married so young was to escape my mother, father, and both sisters. The story orbited around those four even though we were a family of seven in total.
Scampie is right. Not only would it really test your relationship with your husband but also your relationship with your mother. You will probably end up resenting her for being so needy, it is only human. My mother and I have always been very close but even when she was in IL in another state she needed help and my visits were spent essentially working for her or taking her to appointments. I no longer had time to do things we enjoyed doing together and she sensed that I was getting frustrated or when I was tired since visiting her was a two hour drive each way and started to say that I was mad at her and I didn’t want to visit. We did hire in home caregivers eventually so I wasn’t even having to deal with some of the most unpleasant aspects of caring for her as her dementia and ability to care for her own personal care. After I moved her to MC our relationship improved greatly. We are able to do things that we enjoyed doing together again. Since she is now nearby I can see her often and still, for the most part, have a life of my own. She still sometimes says I don’t want to spend time with her when I can only visit a short time because of other plans but she has also always been very insecure. Even if your husband wasn’t in the picture I would recommend finding her a good facility to save your relationship with your mother.
Guaranteed way to help husband accept mother in your home...
1) Anytime and anywhere give the poor guy plenty of great s-x and as often as he wants. And if it's inconvenient call a friend for him. 2) Make from-scratch great meals and have it on the table either before or after his prepared bath in the evening. 3) Always ask him if he'd like a glass a wine while he soaks. Ask him if he'd like to have his back scrubbed. 4) Surprise brush against him from time to time when you pass him. 4) Always and I mean always be bathed and fresh. Look good, hair attractive and look like your ready for company even if you know no one's coming and you're not leaving the house. All for him. 5) Whatever you wear show a little clevage or leg, and send flirty messages with you smile and eyes. Wear perfume lightly. Leave perfumed notes around for him to discover. 6) Go all out with a new addition to your house with a separate entrance dedicated to your husband's happiness. Install in this addition, your husband's sanctuary, a card table, bar, dart board, pool table, theater, small kitchenette and patio with barbecue. Keep that kitchenette stocked. Unless invited don't bother him there. 7) Get a list of reliable babysitters for mom and spontaneously go to a hotel with a little over night bag. Bring toys. 8) Get baby oil and regularly hire a masseuse for your husband. 9) Every 3 weeks, like clockwork, send him to the Caribbean for a week. 10) And as soon as he returns home send your mom to the Caribbean for a week. 11) Move to a house with a casita for mom that has an address in another city. If you swear to do these fair and equal things for your man then I think it will work. Don't you?
It is normal to take care of, and sacrifice for children. The work goes forward, not backward. For parents you are required to make sure they are taken care of. Your man comes first.
How to help husband to accept mother into OUR home? If you are really and truly going to do this, AND you are really and truly concerned for your man, then, for the love of G-d give him the number to a divorce lawyer.
Most all husbands in the entire universe do not want their MIL living under the same roof. Of course they'll say it's ok. Most husbands wouldn't dare say no, but I'm here to tell you if you must be with mommy, leave your home to the man you made vows with, the man who would've been holding your hand on your death bed and move to you mommy's house. In that case your husband does not have a real woman, a real partner.
When my parents got married THREE of the in laws moved in. My dad never had a full month alone with my mom from the I do in the early 1970s till my grandmother had a severe stroke and had to be moved into a nursing home in the 1990s. My mom always put her mom first and it was unfair to everyone. My dad should have said no. It was a miserable existence always planning around a sick elderly person for almost 20 years. My dad deserved better, but my mom refused to give him a happy home.
I am sorry for the life your father had and he should have gotten divorced and found a woman who would have wanted to put him first. I can't imagine life was all that great for you growing up either in a house full of sick, elderly people.
Who did you make a vow to? That person is first! My mother in law moved her sister in and she made my father in law's life absolutely miserable. She yelled at him daily to ,"Get out of my house!" Can you imagine working all day, only to have to deal with that? Many divorces have occurred due to one spouse moving a parent into the house against the other spouse's wishes. Don't do it.
Is there a reason she is moving in with you and not into an Independent Living or Assisted Living? Unless your husband and your mother have a great relationship, I think you're asking for a lot of resentment on both ends. It'll make for a very stressful household.
If both of you cannot agree on your mother moving in, don't move her in.
My friend, I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen your situation way too many times. One spouse moves a parent in and the other does not want that. So the marriage suffers. The kids suffer. The home suffers. Everyone involved suffers and way too many once happy marriages end in the divorce court over it. Don't do it.
If your husband isn't onboard with your mother moving in, don't try to convince him because it won't end well. You can help your mother find the right kind of place to fit her needs. It does not have to be in your house.
Agree. Don’t do it. My dear dad said a hard No to my mother’s sister and niece who tried to pressure them into taking in FIL when mothers older sister had enough. She got stuck, for sure. She lived the closest. My mother was a corporate employee and worked for 45 years at a big company. She wasn’t interested in caregiving. She’s still not. My dad saw first hand the reality of caregiving when his father came home from WW1. He eventually died in a Veterans home. His mother did everything, managed a business until she just couldn’t. she eventually relied on my dear dad. His siblings mostly stepped away. He took care of her affairs and she lived in an apartment 5 minutes from our home until she died. My mother’s family tried to guilt her into caregiving FIL. It caused a rift in the family until today. I’m okay with that. Mydad made the best decision. My dad stood up and said No. he had experienced what this does to people, First hand. I never appreciated this until it was my turn. I stood up for my dad when he had a stroke in 2022. He was my nurturing parent. This journey was devastating and nearly killed me. He died in 2024 after 15 months on hospice. I kept my job and some semblance of my life by sheer day to day determination and using the money he saved for caregiver support. My health suffered. My advice, don’t move any old family, parents into your home. Arrange care for them with their money and step away and just visit. It’s been a very hard journey, but that’s what I am doing with my mother.
sorry? If husband has not agreed, or is reluctant, do not bring your mother into the home. If one person disagrees, this is an important issue in which 100% should agree, not be persuaded, forced, or manipulated.
Please make other arrangements.
I brought home a puppy after looking for this one special one for a year. It came down with an illness but survived.
Fortunately for me, this became the reason my husband gave to move out of our home.
Multi-generational living is touted as the answer to eldercare problems. However, those who portray it as idyllic have probably never done it themselves. In a perfect USA, people would plan for their old age and arrange for eldercare that doesn't burden their families. Consider that it's not unusual for us to live into our 90s or even our 100s. My friend's grandmother lived to 110. I know a woman who is 106. That means we have 80-year-olds who need care themselves trying to take care of nonagenarians and centenarians. Good luck with that!
My parents both lived into their 90s. My aunt died at 102, my grandfather 95. They all planned fairly well so as not to be a burden. This involved scrimping, saving, denying themselves luxuries, and lots of planning. Even so, it was very hard for my siblings and me to manage all that care.
I can't advise you to pressure husband to bring mom into your home, especially since he doesn't want her there. I assume she didn't plan for her own eldercare or you wouldn't be in the position of feeling that you have to take her in. Don't do it! It's a terrible strain on a marriage. You and husband have your own lives to live, and how long do you think either of you could tolerate mom living in your house? As stated, people live a long long time these days, and once they get into our homes, we have a hard time getting them out.
Surely you can find other options for mom. Your primary loyalty is to your spouse and to the bond that you have. If mom didn't plan and mom didn't save, it's on her to figure out the rest of her life, not you.
Stick around the forum and read the posts to find out why it's a very bad idea to take your mother into your home against your husband's wishes. It's a bad idea even WITH his blessing, but against his wishes is a recipe for disaster and potentially the end of your marriage. Respect is very important in a relationship, so if you ignore his wishes, you're likely to regret it. Hubs needs to come first.
You don't give us much to go on here but I would have to ask you....why should your husband accept your mother in your home which is his home too? Is she already there and was this agreed upon before such move was made? Like already said, caregiving has to work for all parties involved and it sounds like it's certainly not working for your husband. And he has to come first. Period, end of sentence. You married him not your mother. Might be time to find some place else for mom to live if she's already in your home.
You need to put your husband first. If he is complaining, please listen and understand that this arrangement is not working for him.
Your choice is your mother or your husband. If I were you I’d pick your husband. Your mother should go into assisted living or a SNF near you so you can visit easily.
Caregiving has to work for everyone. Yes, I took my Mom in, she could no longer live alone. But it was suppose to be temporary until her house sold. Once that happened, she was placed in an AL.
If this arrangement is not working for husband, then you will need to find other options.
Say more. What was your agreement before bringing mom into the house? What are his complaints about things now? What are his wishes concerning status quo? The future?
To be honest, your marriage and your own life and hubby's takes priority. When one member of a household is unhappy with taking in and caring for elders, then it cannot/should not be done.
Hopefully you can discuss and come to a plan or compromise. If not, get mediation with a licensed social worker in private practice who has experience dealing with life transitions.
If this arrangement is not working for your husband , then it’s not working in general . Living together has to work for all involved . When it doesn’t work for all involved , changes need to be made .
Your priority is your husband and marriage . Mom needs to move out whether she wants to or not .
IMHO I don't think you should force him into accepting it at all. You married him, not your Mother. Your marriage and your husband are the priority, not your Mother. Please find a different solution for your Mother's care. I know there is one - there always is, it's just that *you* have to accept it as such, regardless whether she accepts it or not.
MANY participants on this forum are going to weigh in on why she should not be living with you, no matter the reason.
More information would be helpful:
How old is your Mother and does she have any health or cognitive problems? How long has she been living with you? What were the circumstances that caused you to move her in?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Reporting to have it closed for comments.
If you're looking for a way to get your husband to resent you and leave you, bringing your mother (or any other stray relative or friend) into your home is a sure bet.
Read all the excellent advice given and wake up.
If he does not, you are not going to ever change that.
Find another solution that you and your husband can both be on board with.
Sure, go ahead and let mother move in and face a divorce down the road..
I work as a Certified Nursing Assistant and Home Health Aide and seen these elderly people manipulate, throw tantrums and blame the person who is doing the most. Trust me, you will not get any help from siblings.
Even from a worker's perspective, this takes a toll on us too. We may seem calm and collective on the outside, but these situations sometimes want to make me pull my hair out. Especially after you showered and dressed a client later to find out they have had diarrhea ten minutes before your shift ends.
Then you find out from others that these old folks have been calling other relatives telling lies on you after you open up your home and heart to them. Your spouse resents you and the kids move out as fast as they can. Then to top it off, you are bone tired, your joints ache and you got this old toothless tyrant nagging at you. All I can say, if you decide to go down this path, welcome to dysfunction.
I have an elderly sister who threw a tantrum because I refused to become a POA for her. I had my mother and my disabled sister to care for years ago. Now, I wonder if the reason I married so young was to escape my mother, father, and both sisters. The story orbited around those four even though we were a family of seven in total.
After I moved her to MC our relationship improved greatly. We are able to do things that we enjoyed doing together again. Since she is now nearby I can see her often and still, for the most part, have a life of my own. She still sometimes says I don’t want to spend time with her when I can only visit a short time because of other plans but she has also always been very insecure.
Even if your husband wasn’t in the picture I would recommend finding her a good facility to save your relationship with your mother.
1) Anytime and anywhere give the poor guy plenty of great s-x and as often as he wants. And if it's inconvenient call a friend for him.
2) Make from-scratch great meals and have it on the table either before or after his prepared bath in the evening.
3) Always ask him if he'd like a glass a wine while he soaks. Ask him if he'd like to have his back scrubbed.
4) Surprise brush against him from time to time when you pass him.
4) Always and I mean always be bathed and fresh. Look good, hair attractive and look like your ready for company even if you know no one's coming and you're not leaving the house. All for him.
5) Whatever you wear show a little clevage or leg, and send flirty messages with you smile and eyes. Wear perfume lightly. Leave perfumed notes around for him to discover.
6) Go all out with a new addition to your house with a separate entrance dedicated to your husband's happiness. Install in this addition, your husband's sanctuary, a card table, bar, dart board, pool table, theater, small kitchenette and patio with barbecue. Keep that kitchenette stocked. Unless invited don't bother him there.
7) Get a list of reliable babysitters for mom and spontaneously go to a hotel with a little over night bag. Bring toys.
8) Get baby oil and regularly hire a masseuse for your husband.
9) Every 3 weeks, like clockwork, send him to the Caribbean for a week.
10) And as soon as he returns home send your mom to the Caribbean for a week.
11) Move to a house with a casita for mom that has an address in another city.
If you swear to do these fair and equal things for your man then I think it will work. Don't you?
It is normal to take care of, and sacrifice for children. The work goes forward, not backward. For parents you are required to make sure they are taken care of. Your man comes first.
How to help husband to accept mother into OUR home?
If you are really and truly going to do this, AND you are really and truly concerned for your man, then, for the love of G-d give him the number to a divorce lawyer.
Most all husbands in the entire universe do not want their MIL living under the same roof. Of course they'll say it's ok. Most husbands wouldn't dare say no, but I'm here to tell you if you must be with mommy, leave your home to the man you made vows with, the man who would've been holding your hand on your death bed and move to you mommy's house. In that case your husband does not have a real woman, a real partner.
I hope I'm wrong.
I am sorry for the life your father had and he should have gotten divorced and found a woman who would have wanted to put him first. I can't imagine life was all that great for you growing up either in a house full of sick, elderly people.
My friend, I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen your situation way too many times. One spouse moves a parent in and the other does not want that. So the marriage suffers. The kids suffer. The home suffers. Everyone involved suffers and way too many once happy marriages end in the divorce court over it. Don't do it.
If your husband isn't onboard with your mother moving in, don't try to convince him because it won't end well. You can help your mother find the right kind of place to fit her needs. It does not have to be in your house.
If husband has not agreed, or is reluctant, do not bring your mother into the home.
If one person disagrees, this is an important issue in which 100% should agree, not be persuaded, forced, or manipulated.
Please make other arrangements.
I brought home a puppy after looking for this one special one for a year. It came down with an illness but survived.
Fortunately for me, this became the reason my husband gave to move out of our home.
He moved because of the pup? Good. You deserve better. I hope your dog is good.
My parents both lived into their 90s. My aunt died at 102, my grandfather 95. They all planned fairly well so as not to be a burden. This involved scrimping, saving, denying themselves luxuries, and lots of planning. Even so, it was very hard for my siblings and me to manage all that care.
I can't advise you to pressure husband to bring mom into your home, especially since he doesn't want her there. I assume she didn't plan for her own eldercare or you wouldn't be in the position of feeling that you have to take her in. Don't do it! It's a terrible strain on a marriage. You and husband have your own lives to live, and how long do you think either of you could tolerate mom living in your house? As stated, people live a long long time these days, and once they get into our homes, we have a hard time getting them out.
Surely you can find other options for mom. Your primary loyalty is to your spouse and to the bond that you have. If mom didn't plan and mom didn't save, it's on her to figure out the rest of her life, not you.
You look for other acceptable options for your mother.
And you might get other answers as to why you want to bring your mother into your home.
Like already said, caregiving has to work for all parties involved and it sounds like it's certainly not working for your husband. And he has to come first. Period, end of sentence.
You married him not your mother. Might be time to find some place else for mom to live if she's already in your home.
Your choice is your mother or your husband. If I were you I’d pick your husband. Your mother should go into assisted living or a SNF near you so you can visit easily.
Caregiving has to work for everyone. Yes, I took my Mom in, she could no longer live alone. But it was suppose to be temporary until her house sold. Once that happened, she was placed in an AL.
If this arrangement is not working for husband, then you will need to find other options.
What was your agreement before bringing mom into the house?
What are his complaints about things now?
What are his wishes concerning status quo? The future?
To be honest, your marriage and your own life and hubby's takes priority. When one member of a household is unhappy with taking in and caring for elders, then it cannot/should not be done.
Hopefully you can discuss and come to a plan or compromise. If not, get mediation with a licensed social worker in private practice who has experience dealing with life transitions.
Your priority is your husband and marriage .
Mom needs to move out whether she wants to or not .
I loved my mother-in-law, but neither my husband nor myself would want her living in our house!
If you can share more details, you will get helpful suggestions and support from this group.
MANY participants on this forum are going to weigh in on why she should not be living with you, no matter the reason.
More information would be helpful:
How old is your Mother and does she have any health or cognitive problems?
How long has she been living with you?
What were the circumstances that caused you to move her in?