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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Stick around the forum and read the posts to find out why it's a very bad idea to take your mother into your home against your husband's wishes. It's a bad idea even WITH his blessing, but against his wishes is a recipe for disaster and potentially the end of your marriage. Respect is very important in a relationship, so if you ignore his wishes, you're likely to regret it. Hubs needs to come first.
When my parents got married THREE of the in laws moved in. My dad never had a full month alone with my mom from the I do in the early 1970s till my grandmother had a severe stroke and had to be moved into a nursing home in the 1990s. My mom always put her mom first and it was unfair to everyone. My dad should have said no. It was a miserable existence always planning around a sick elderly person for almost 20 years. My dad deserved better, but my mom refused to give him a happy home.
I am sorry for the life your father had and he should have gotten divorced and found a woman who would have wanted to put him first. I can't imagine life was all that great for you growing up either in a house full of sick, elderly people.
Guaranteed way to help husband accept mother in your home...
1) Anytime and anywhere give the poor guy plenty of great s-x and as often as he wants. And if it's inconvenient call a friend for him. 2) Make from-scratch great meals and have it on the table either before or after his prepared bath in the evening. 3) Always ask him if he'd like a glass a wine while he soaks. Ask him if he'd like to have his back scrubbed. 4) Surprise brush against him from time to time when you pass him. 4) Always and I mean always be bathed and fresh. Look good, hair attractive and look like your ready for company even if you know no one's coming and you're not leaving the house. All for him. 5) Whatever you wear show a little clevage or leg, and send flirty messages with you smile and eyes. Wear perfume lightly. Leave perfumed notes around for him to discover. 6) Go all out with a new addition to your house with a separate entrance dedicated to your husband's happiness. Install in this addition, your husband's sanctuary, a card table, bar, dart board, pool table, theater, small kitchenette and patio with barbecue. Keep that kitchenette stocked. Unless invited don't bother him there. 7) Get a list of reliable babysitters for mom and spontaneously go to a hotel with a little over night bag. Bring toys. 8) Get baby oil and regularly hire a masseuse for your husband. 9) Every 3 weeks, like clockwork, send him to the Caribbean for a week. 10) And as soon as he returns home send your mom to the Caribbean for a week. 11) Move to a house with a casita for mom that has an address in another city. If you swear to do these fair and equal things for your man then I think it will work. Don't you?
It is normal to take care of, and sacrifice for children. The work goes forward, not backward. For parents you are required to make sure they are taken care of. Your man comes first.
How to help husband to accept mother into OUR home? If you are really and truly going to do this, AND you are really and truly concerned for your man, then, for the love of G-d give him the number to a divorce lawyer.
Most all husbands in the entire universe do not want their MIL living under the same roof. Of course they'll say it's ok. Most husbands wouldn't dare say no, but I'm here to tell you if you must be with mommy, leave your home to the man you made vows with, the man who would've been holding your hand on your death bed and move to you mommy's house. In that case your husband does not have a real woman, a real partner.
You need to put your husband first. If he is complaining, please listen and understand that this arrangement is not working for him.
Your choice is your mother or your husband. If I were you I’d pick your husband. Your mother should go into assisted living or a SNF near you so you can visit easily.
If both of you cannot agree on your mother moving in, don't move her in.
My friend, I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen your situation way too many times. One spouse moves a parent in and the other does not want that. So the marriage suffers. The kids suffer. The home suffers. Everyone involved suffers and way too many once happy marriages end in the divorce court over it. Don't do it.
If your husband isn't onboard with your mother moving in, don't try to convince him because it won't end well. You can help your mother find the right kind of place to fit her needs. It does not have to be in your house.
Agree. Don’t do it. My dear dad said a hard No to my mother’s sister and niece who tried to pressure them into taking in FIL when mothers older sister had enough. She got stuck, for sure. She lived the closest. My mother was a corporate employee and worked for 45 years at a big company. She wasn’t interested in caregiving. She’s still not. My dad saw first hand the reality of caregiving when his father came home from WW1. He eventually died in a Veterans home. His mother did everything, managed a business until she just couldn’t. she eventually relied on my dear dad. His siblings mostly stepped away. He took care of her affairs and she lived in an apartment 5 minutes from our home until she died. My mother’s family tried to guilt her into caregiving FIL. It caused a rift in the family until today. I’m okay with that. Mydad made the best decision. My dad stood up and said No. he had experienced what this does to people, First hand. I never appreciated this until it was my turn. I stood up for my dad when he had a stroke in 2022. He was my nurturing parent. This journey was devastating and nearly killed me. He died in 2024 after 15 months on hospice. I kept my job and some semblance of my life by sheer day to day determination and using the money he saved for caregiver support. My health suffered. My advice, don’t move any old family, parents into your home. Arrange care for them with their money and step away and just visit. It’s been a very hard journey, but that’s what I am doing with my mother.
If this arrangement is not working for your husband , then it’s not working in general . Living together has to work for all involved . When it doesn’t work for all involved , changes need to be made .
Your priority is your husband and marriage . Mom needs to move out whether she wants to or not .
Caregiving has to work for everyone. Yes, I took my Mom in, she could no longer live alone. But it was suppose to be temporary until her house sold. Once that happened, she was placed in an AL.
If this arrangement is not working for husband, then you will need to find other options.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I loved my mother-in-law, but neither my husband nor myself would want her living in our house!
I am sorry for the life your father had and he should have gotten divorced and found a woman who would have wanted to put him first. I can't imagine life was all that great for you growing up either in a house full of sick, elderly people.
1) Anytime and anywhere give the poor guy plenty of great s-x and as often as he wants. And if it's inconvenient call a friend for him.
2) Make from-scratch great meals and have it on the table either before or after his prepared bath in the evening.
3) Always ask him if he'd like a glass a wine while he soaks. Ask him if he'd like to have his back scrubbed.
4) Surprise brush against him from time to time when you pass him.
4) Always and I mean always be bathed and fresh. Look good, hair attractive and look like your ready for company even if you know no one's coming and you're not leaving the house. All for him.
5) Whatever you wear show a little clevage or leg, and send flirty messages with you smile and eyes. Wear perfume lightly. Leave perfumed notes around for him to discover.
6) Go all out with a new addition to your house with a separate entrance dedicated to your husband's happiness. Install in this addition, your husband's sanctuary, a card table, bar, dart board, pool table, theater, small kitchenette and patio with barbecue. Keep that kitchenette stocked. Unless invited don't bother him there.
7) Get a list of reliable babysitters for mom and spontaneously go to a hotel with a little over night bag. Bring toys.
8) Get baby oil and regularly hire a masseuse for your husband.
9) Every 3 weeks, like clockwork, send him to the Caribbean for a week.
10) And as soon as he returns home send your mom to the Caribbean for a week.
11) Move to a house with a casita for mom that has an address in another city.
If you swear to do these fair and equal things for your man then I think it will work. Don't you?
It is normal to take care of, and sacrifice for children. The work goes forward, not backward. For parents you are required to make sure they are taken care of. Your man comes first.
How to help husband to accept mother into OUR home?
If you are really and truly going to do this, AND you are really and truly concerned for your man, then, for the love of G-d give him the number to a divorce lawyer.
Most all husbands in the entire universe do not want their MIL living under the same roof. Of course they'll say it's ok. Most husbands wouldn't dare say no, but I'm here to tell you if you must be with mommy, leave your home to the man you made vows with, the man who would've been holding your hand on your death bed and move to you mommy's house. In that case your husband does not have a real woman, a real partner.
I hope I'm wrong.
Your choice is your mother or your husband. If I were you I’d pick your husband. Your mother should go into assisted living or a SNF near you so you can visit easily.
My friend, I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen your situation way too many times. One spouse moves a parent in and the other does not want that. So the marriage suffers. The kids suffer. The home suffers. Everyone involved suffers and way too many once happy marriages end in the divorce court over it. Don't do it.
If your husband isn't onboard with your mother moving in, don't try to convince him because it won't end well. You can help your mother find the right kind of place to fit her needs. It does not have to be in your house.
Your priority is your husband and marriage .
Mom needs to move out whether she wants to or not .
Caregiving has to work for everyone. Yes, I took my Mom in, she could no longer live alone. But it was suppose to be temporary until her house sold. Once that happened, she was placed in an AL.
If this arrangement is not working for husband, then you will need to find other options.
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