How to have a happy marriage when an elderly parent lives with you?

This is the 2nd time today I see a question about elderly parents conflicting with a marriage.

My wife and I ended our 30+yr marriage in 2017 because of a devisive Mother
in Law that my wife refused to stand up to. this woman demolished our marriage and for that matter our family. These things left out of control do generational damage to a family.

First you say "I offered him a home" So did the two of you not agree to this?
You also point out it is "only 3 years" of marriage. Does this matter?

Any priest, thereapist, rabbi, etc will tell you the first thing that has to happen is you and your husband must agree the needs and health of the marriage come first. If you cannot agree to this.. you do not have a marriage.

If you agree to this then you and your husband need to agree to ground rules and boundaries. Then the two of you need to sit down with your Father and get his agreement to these. You will need to be clear with your Father if he cant go along with these then he will need to find other housing. as his child you have the responsibility to insure he keeps his commitments.

After you get these boundaries agreed to your husband needs to buck up and be a supportive spouse. He needs to do his part to insure he is part of the solution not the problem.

the other thing to keep in mind if your Father is 83 and still in reasonable health he could live another 15-25 years. You need to understand this. AND his health if it has not yet, will begin to deteriote He will not become 39 again and move out. As he gets older the demands on you will ONLY increase.

your Fathers "selfishness and thinking about money wont change. Are these personality traits causing other conflicts that bother your husband?? as well as your only married 3 years your Father and he likely have not bonded. Your Father has no history with him, he probably sees him as an invader.

If the "only 3 years of marriage" has not bonded yet maybe you need to end the marriage and send this man on his way. Decide if your in or out on this marriage. If your in.. I urge you to follow my suggestions. If your out then end it.

Yes I can definitely understand this as my Mother lives with me. I sold my house 12 years ago to come and live with her and take care of her. In the first 6 years my husband told me that although he wishes to be very helpful this is affecting our marriage and I need to make a decision to stay or leave. As I am the only child it is a difficult situation. I chose to go with my husband. My husband and I moved out fully knowing that we would need to come back and here we are 6 years later.

It is very challenging and stressful. My husband cooks and serves all the meals for my Mother (although she eats nothing) - she will have episodes where she tells him to get out of her house and screams and curses and really treats him terribly. Then the next day she has no memory of this. We spend days feeling physically sick after these episodes. During the last one we decided that we are no longer going to react - hard yes, but it seems to be working.

You do need to find somewhere to be on your own and have couple time. We have a rec room in the basement that we escape to every night - it works. We go out on walks, we go into the car and just sit and talk. We go out for takeout (COVID experience), we go for a drive - anything that gives us private couple time. It is working for now. I don't know all the answers but I do know that it is crucial to find harmony and peace with your partner in order to be able to deal with all the stress of lucking after a parent like this. I wish you all the best.

Your husband has valid reasons to feel "cheated." It seems that as a couple you never got the chance to create your unique relationship without others being around. He misses the honeymoon phase where you were first and only in each other's world. Having your dad live with you feels like he will never get that "alone time with your" for years or decades. You may not realize how much time and effort you spend caring for your dad and your husband gets "leftovers" of your time, energy, and passion.

Please consider counselling as a couple. A professional can be an impartial helper to navigate this phase of life into something that is more satisfying for everybody involved. Also consider getting others to help your dad: family, friends, people from your faith community, and/or paid help. Use the time when others care for dad to do things together as a couple and nurture your marriage relationship.

When my mom developed Alzheimer's, she moved in with my husband and me. We had been married 14 years at the time. I was lucky in that he had an understanding of the situation, because his mom also had Alzheimer's, but she was in Assisted Living, due to mobility issues compounding the Alzheimer's. Could you get help in the house for a few hours a week, so you and your husband could do something fun, like go for a walk, take a drive, get take-out, or once Covid-19 is hopefully no longer an issue, perhaps go out to eat. Some senior organizations have volunteers who will sit with people. We had some nice volunteers sit with my dad, who had COPD, so my mom could get out a few hours a week. My dad enjoyed the company of others, too, so it was a win-win situation. Best of luck.

Did you ask your husband before offering your dad to move in with you both?

There is a BIG difference between having a child living with you and a parent. Your husband had responsibilities toward his son. He may have felt he owed it to you to let your father move in. But things change. Perhaps your husband is recognizing that living with an adult parent is radically different than living with a child.

Your marriage comes first. Your husband is making it clear to you that he no longer wants your dad living with him. *You* aren't caught in the middle - your husband is caught between you and your dad.

Your marriage is too young to survive this level of stress. The stress of having no end in sight to your father living there is clearly weighing heavily on your husband. One of the men in your life will move out. You are the one who has the power to determine who that will be.

If he agreed that dad could move in and his feelings have changed that should be a discussion you TWO should have. Both of your opinions matter in this.
You married your husband and he now comes first.
Are there Adult Day Care centers open where you are? Or the local Senior Center? Either might be enough to keep dad occupied.
If your dad is able to care for himself a place of his own would be ideal. If he needs a bit of help Assisted Living is an option.
With your incomes and your dad's is there a way a house with an "In-Law suite" would be an option. That way you can be close enough to help but have your own place. (and if it is allowed might be good for income later as a rental.
But your first priority is to your husband. If dad is requiring more care and you are placing your dad first you should look at other options. Would getting help in several days a week help? (paid for by dad of course)

You and your husband need a bit of time for yourselves.
I suggest as you sort all this out that your Holiday gift to him would be a long weekend at a nice hotel. Book it as a Honeymoon. Schedule things that you normally would not do, massages, a fancy dinner.
And in the future IF any other relative wants to move in you have to both agree AND limit it to a short enough time 6 months maybe then review the situation.

I truly feel for you; my husband and I are in a similar situation...

My mom has lived with my husband and I since 2014. She has moderate dementia which was diagnosed the year after she moved in. We also have my 26 year old son living with us; he's got severe anxiety issues. We have had either my son and mom, mom, and now both living with us now for years. My husband is depressed, and angry, and I do all of the caregiving with mom. She's on several lists for senior apartments, and we looked into assisted living and found that even the least expensive place is $2200. per month for a shared room. Nursing homes are really expensive too, and mom makes just enough from SS to be ineligible for medicaid.
We are truly stuck. I love mom, but wish we could find a place for her. She's not able to be totally on her own and would need a visiting nurse if she went into an apartment. It seems there really isn't any place for her.

First, if dad is mobile and can do most things himself (eat, use the bathroom, get around the house), have a conversation with all of you. Explain your problems. Set a timetable for him to move.

Second, make it as fun as you can. Seek out the alternative settings. Research them with him. As much as possible, make the decisions his. Talk about the pros and cons. If possible, visit those sites and discuss the results. Look at costs. If he's the cheapskate you say he is, even if he won't discuss it, compare the relative values and costs. Good value, cheapest.

Third. Talk about what he will take with him, how often he hopes you will be there, how far away versus how much you will be able to do. Get it out there and have your husband be part of the discussions, so he can see that active steps are happening, and delays make sense.

If it turns out that living with you is really the only viable situation, let your husband make that decision.

My mother lives with us (99), somewhat deaf, blind, short-term memory loss. She's a handful, not grateful, never at fault, and my wife ends up with the lion's share of the work, as (let's face it) most of the work falls to the woman. Mom is not comfortable with me helping her shower or dress, for instance, and I'm grateful for my wife's help. Hard as it is, we try to find time and space for ourselves. But this pandemic is a hard time for all of us, and we look forward to the time we can resume our normal lives, whenever that is.

Let me see I’m 65 I moved out of my moms home at 23 I married 2 years later,
the year I married my mother went to FL for 10 years to be a caregiver until my grandparents passed. She then arrived on my doorstep.
so far she has lived under my roof 30 years. I only had 10 years of freedom without her. But during her stay in FL she got 2 weeks of vacation while her siblings attended their parents, So where did she vacation, my house. So I have been living with my mother 53 years+.
Now the past 4 years she is totally totally dependent on me, feed diaper dress, everything even what I don’t want to mention. Let me just say my husband is a very very patient man, more than I am.
You never realize what will be your future, I’m sure if we knew we would of made other arrangements knowing the outcome.

Did you and your husband both agree that your father could move in? I don’t make those types of big decisions without the discussing it with my spouse and coming to some agreement. And even if he did agree at first, your husband is allowed to voice that it’s not working out. Did you move your father in after your marriage? If he moved his mother in and your life was significantly changed and you didn’t like her, how would you feel?

You don’t give much information about the overall situation, but it sounds like your marriage might be on shaky ground. Is your husband angry about space, personality, money, or what? Does your dad need a lot of care? It’s time for you to sit down with your husband and discuss some solutions. And you’re not stuck in the middle. You put yourself in the middle.

My Dad is 95 and moved in with us during the covid-19 pandemic. Before June he was living on his own 45 minutes away. The stress of the drive every week was more than I could handle. My husband and I talked a great deal about the pros and cons of moving Dad in with us. We have had to make adjustments, mostly with providing meals every day, as we used to eat out a lot. BUT we have to eat home now anyway because of the pandemic. My husband and I both have outside (volunteer) interests that we continue. Dad contributes to the household bills and we are making it work. It takes all three of us to compromise. Of course, we've been married for 30 years, so we are way past the honeymoon phase. I suggest you have some outside interests and go out for walks or meals frequently. Your Dad should be able to be alone for a few hours at a time.

This is the post below yours right now.

Maybe it will help to see it from the in-law side.

Please help. My MIL moved in, I've had enough. My husband asked me to join a support group. I will be sharing responses with him. Advice?

How about day care? Instead of him (dad) hiding in his room all day, that will get him out of the house while your husband is working at home. It will also give the two of you "alone time". Just what is your husband complaining about? Does your dad interrupt your husband while he is working? Are your husbands complaints legitimate? Did your husband complain about his own son being there? Need a little more information on this one.

At 83, your Dad isn't that old.

You might ask him about living in his own Senior Apartment and he might like that idea where he can be around others his age and make new friends.

If your Dad is going to continue living with you, you and your husband deffiently need one night a week to be alone.

Only 3 yrs into a marriage isn't long and you actually might end up divorced.

You should think about making other arrangements for your father.

Until you find a nice place for your dad, you should at least find a place for him on weekends, giving you and your husband weekends together to be alone from Friday afternoon thru Sunday evening.

Do you think your husband is being reasonable with his objections or is he just being jealous. He appeared to accept his son living with you. Is your father really selfish or is that something he is just picking on. Only you can answer these questions. I say - look at the whole picture but also look after yourself. Love and hugs.

If you don’t have enough room for him to have his own private space, it’s better not to do this. Parents should not be allowed to make YOUR life miserable; you owe them some affection & a general looking after - be sure they get the care they need. BUT that doesn’t mean you do all the caregiving! Your life comes first: don’t forget that!

Where do you live? Can your father afford to build a small outbuilding/tiny house/guest room with a bathroom outside of your home but on your property? Where you can go check on him throughout the day but free up space in your actual house? Then you can rent it or use it for something else when he passes. This is something we have considered. My husband found FEMA house for sale on Craigslist for $17k. I think you can get payments similar to car loans on something like that.

I made a decision long long ago that NO elders would be moving in with me, and I've stuck to my guns. You need to put your marriage first otherwise you'll be getting divorced and having to deal with THAT situation! Get your dad into either an Assisted Living or Independent Living Facility with a continuum of care so he can move as needed within the same community. In reality, elders need companionship of OTHER elders and they get that when they move into a senior care residence. You can go visit him frequently and get back to being a daughter AND a wife instead of being stuck in an untenable situation. Sorry dad, but this is how things have to be now.

Good luck making the decision that's right for your future!

Beyond, Calmly talk to dad about him moving. I know money is an issue just like mine. Marriage is precious and if we want a peaceful one, we need to do something. Try to find assisted living places that are more reasonable. Show him a virtual tour and mention good things like, activities, socializing, meals, outings etc. And if you believe, pray for help too.
All the best

Similar situation. Hopefully, we can help each other.
Husband and I live with my father. My dad says things that upset my husband. My dad is depressed, and misery loves company.
I feel bad, like you, trapped in the middle. Wondering what to do.

I know that hubby should come first. And feel bad keeping us in this toxic environment. That's why I decided to make a plan with hubby that we move and have a caregiver help dad.

The challenge is to influence dad to pay a caregiver. He doesn't like spending. But that's what he needs to do to have the care he needs.

He's isn't going to do it with me here, I need to move so he sees the need. If he asks why I'm moving, I'll tell him I got a job and need to move.

Maybe this can help you too.
I wish you all the best

Ps, if it's your house, your dad moves

Your husband has priority (just like you hope you are HIS first priority). Your dad needs to live elsewhere. This would not make you an uncaring daughter by any means -- just ask the many many many daughters and sons on this forum whose parents don't live with them. I wish you peace in your heart and a long, vibrant marriage.

I feel for you. When hubs and I bought our large house many ( 20 plus years ago) I told him we would be taking in some parents at some point,, just not sure who's parents that would be. I really don;t think he believed me.. LOL And then my parents failed before his did, and in they moved. Dad passed within one year.. mom has been with is for about 6 years now. Hubs sometimes says DD moved out, and parents moved in,, he is right about that. He misses that we still dont have me time,, but I hope we will! My mom also worried about money, but honestly her contributions help us out. Its not that much, but it helps. I point this out to hubs,, he does get it. Is your dad helping out at all? I am lucky that I am the primary breadwinner ( Hubs is retired and had a "hobby job" prior to this , and mom and I have $$) Hubs has come around for the most part. If your Dad is helping with the bills and such, maybe your hubs will calm down! If dad can afford it.. maybe having him take over a few bills will help hubs come around! I mean,, he was OK with his son.. maybe he will adjust to your dad! Do you have a job? or any leverage here? I have a friend who literally never lived alone with her hubs,, his father first, then his sister, and now her son and his family. It worked for her..

Your first responsibility is to your (minor) child. Then your husband. If he is unhappy with this living arrangement you need to listen to him. You can care for your father without him living with you. Why did your husband agree to this in the first place? What has changed?