How to have a happy marriage when an elderly parent lives with you?

I'll speak plainly here. Your husband is right. He deserves to have his home with you alone and not being shared with different family members. You deserve this too. Being a loving and supportive daughter is not contingent upon your father living in the same home with you and you being his only caregiver. Depending on what level of care he needs, start looking for either a senior community, an assisted living, or a nursing home. Good luck.

Where did you vow to love, honor, and cherish your father?

Freud's ghost is shaking his cigar disapprovingly at you.

You can’t.
my husband and I moved in with my fragile mom. My husband is going downhill and so am I.
it’s awful to be retired with plans and then feel trapped.
my mom doesn’t want to go to a rest home, she also doesn’t want a stranger taking care of her (neither do I). It’s an awful trap that you have to try to make the best of, even tho it’s not easy.
Good luck, I feel ya. I’m worn out, husband doesn’t help me at all with my moms care.
I’m so tired and depressed. Some days are better than others tho.
🙏

You need to find a place for your father to live. If your father was already there, your husband knew what he was getting into, but clearly it isn't working for him. If you want to stay married, you need to find your father a place to live and spend time with your husband. My mother moved in with my husband and I 10 years ago. We had been married 20 years then (30 years now), and the last 10 have been rough. My husband is a good man, and he actually invited my mother to live with us, but it is never the wonderful, peaceful, situation you wanted or expected. Call on your siblings, if there are any. See if you can share Dad for 3 or 6 months at a time .

You are married & if you don’t make your marriage come first—it’ll be the end of the marriage. Newly weds need to be alone to find out about what each mate likes & what they need from each other & you cannot do that with your Pop anywhere inside the house
get him into elderly housing—all the old gals love single men!! He’ll be treated like a king there—he’ll have his privacy & you & your hubby will have your privacy, finally!!

If my husband had “offered” to let either of his parents move in with us without making sure I was 100% on board, I would have moved out, period. Thank goodness they are both dead now, so that nightmare scenario will never rear its head. My own mother is 94 and independent, but no possible WAY would/will I ever drop such a bomb on my husband/household/marriage, especially unilaterally. Luckily, I was never stupid enough to promise her she’d never have to go to a nursing home. My sister may well have made such a promise—we don’t talk much—but if so, well, she can get her spare bedroom ready when the dreaded day arrives, if it ever does. So many people lasting past 100 these days...a problem prior generations didn’t have. I feel for the OP’s husband. He could be in for another couple of decades of this three’s-a-crowd menage. “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” I’m doubtful...

I took a vow to my husband and not to my in-laws. My husband also took vows to me and not his nor my parents. Mine are passed, his are going off the rails. (We had to report both of them to the DMV last week as it's just that scary.) But our relationship takes primacy of place because of those vows. I feel the same way about my son and his fiancee. They owe each other more than they owe me. So I hope you and your husband can work out what to do about your father, providing care and also loving each other.

wow.......married 3 years and never really had a chance to start out with just you two.  This should have been discussed prior to marriage, but things do happen.  Is there anyway to put an addition onto your house or redo a section of your house that just your dad could use that way it would allow for you and hubby to have your own life and then when you need to help your dad you go to his side?  Without knowing if you can financially do that, does your dad have his own bedroom with a TV?  its going to be hard especially if he has dementia or other type of problems that would require more time spent with him.  Do you work, can he be alone?  is there anyway he could go to a senior center for a couple hours a day?  But I am guessing that you/hubby are still working and most senior centers are not open at night, so that still places all of you together again.  Does your father have funds that would allow him to go to an Assisted living place where he could be around others his age and could get involved in doing other things with them?  Maybe you can explain to your father that you/hubby need some time alone and take a weekend to go somewhere and hire someone to come in and take care of your father.  Wishing you luck.

83 is fairly young for a senior where I live. You didn't mention what condition he is in. He could live another 10 years. I would strongly suggest you get him to some senior place. Either day or live in. You don't know what he is missing. Where Iive 3/4 are women 1/4 are men. Many of those men are married. When a single man appears we have something I call "attack of the widows". Men who can walk and talk are especially desired. But wheelchairs are ok. Don't waste your money on counseling. It is very simple. You dad was the first man in your life. It is also about power and territory. Husband's domain. He is in charge of his territory. He wants you for himself. Be glad for that. Get dad a new girlfriend and all can be happy. He might even live longer.

In reply to ClauChar, I just loved The Waltons too! Many a problem solved on that big front porch - big families sharing life together.

Alas, can you hear my *but* coming...

Life expectancy USA 1940s for men & woman 60 & 65. Average children 3 or 4. Probably stayed local.

Today (although it varies for areas) it is approx 75 & 80 with 2 or 3 children - living all over.

Both my Grandmothers lived into their 90's. My daughter could have us parents + 2 childless Aunts. I'm not sure she would welcome us all 😱

Your family unit has two dominant males.

If one must go? Who will it be?

Her husband signed up to be her husband, not some one who has to endure an in law.

Sounds like a lot of good advise and viewpoints. You are an angel to take in your dad especially at a time when you both are grieving. Can you or you and your dad get to grief counseling?
I know it must be terribly difficult for you and your husband having your dad there. You love your dad and want the best for him. But your husband is losing the love and care he is used to and may be jealous of your efforts for your dad. Even the awkwardness of having another person in the home while you are trying to experience the love and growth of a loving marriage. It would be great if you and your husband went to a marriage counselor to help deal with all of this. I would also mention adult day care or a senior center for your dad. This would give you a break and your dad may enjoy it very much. There are inexpensive options for getting senior transportation to social situations, medical appointments and shopping visits. If you contact your local office for the aging they should be able to give you resources/information for respite care, transportation, senior centers, adult day care, etc.
I am very lucky in that my brother took in my dad after my mom died. Dad was heartbroken. I spoke to him on the phone everyday and saw him as often as possible (lived two hours away). I know if my father had moved in with my husband, myself, and our two daughters, it would have destroyed my marriage. At that point, despite 20 years of marriage, I know it would not have worked out. As much as my husband liked and enjoyed my dad, I know without a doubt there would have been a lot of uncomfortableness, resentment, etc. We have now been married 40 years and are closer than ever and speak very positively and lovingly about both of my deceased parents. I wish you the best of luck, hope you get marriage counseling and be open to considering a good independent care facility sometime in the future nearby. You could even visit your dad almost everyday for a bit and bring dad home for dinner once in a while but preserve the sanctity of your marriage.

You should still be in the honeymoon stage at only 3 yrs. You are doing the loving moral thing. Your selfish spoiled hubby needs a lesson in endurance quite frankly! An 83 yr old isn’t going to live forever! Your hubby may be the lucky recipient of the same treatment when he gets old. People are pretty shortsighted.

I am currently in the same situation but it is my Mom who can not live by herself and is basically in a wheelchair. My husband and I go out on a lunch date every Saturday to get some alone time and we are in the process of moving into a townhouse where my Mom's bedroom is downstairs and ours is upstairs with a loft so we can have some privacy. I feel for you and your husband. If you have someone to help out once in a while have you thought about possibly having a date night or even getting away for a weekend? I sure hope and pray that you and your husband can work things out.

Your marriage and relationship with your husband is not working. You and your husband and Dad need serious money counseling. Your husband is not a care givier. Are you a caregiver...there is a difference and if you do for your father what he cannot do...that is responding to his needs. Ask your self the question...do I have a "care giving mentality"? A symptom that you do not, is your frustrated and have a lot of anxiety. If the money thing trigers the anxiety then get counseling help if you can not do it...you want to find out if your husband can "adjust". Remember your husband can not change who his. You married him for who he is. Your father has an issue plus money. I think you maybe in a role of "daughter and daddy". You can stop that if you are a caregiver. Newly weds should not be living with father and stepfather. Back to the "caregiving mentality"...your husband has none. Besides..he is not "bonded" with your father like you..It is not worth what you are going thru to wait as it will not happen. I think you are headed for Dad's independent living. Your marriage is number one and your Dad has all those "loss" "stuff" going on. You may not have bonded with your husband and he will and obviously thinking "is it worth it". Get focused on your husband. You have to be together in this or it wont last and he will leave. Don

The truth is your situation probably isn't going to get better because you're husband is not going shut up about it. If his son lived there (assuming he wasn't a minor child) he sees that different because it was his relative. Your relative is not viewed as the same to him either because there's a personality clash between the two, your husband just doesn't want him there, or hubby resents time you give to dad.

So, as you know, you have a choice to make. Dad or hubby. Is dad a social person? He might enjoy an elder community - assisted living - etc. more than living at your house. The hard part is going to be telling him you want him to move on after inviting him into your home.

By the way - was your husband on board when you invited dad to live with you? If he was, I'd remind him of that and tell him to grow up. And, see if you can arrange an area for dad to have a personal area to watch tv or hang out in. I'm not saying to seclude him, but better for him not to hear hubby complain.

ACaring's use of word "superhero" struck a nerve with me. Allow me to explain. My friend who is an ER nurse told me at the start of this pandemic nurses were being called superheroes - her hospital was decorated in garish style with superhero themes - and she felt it ignored the fact that she is a human being, does not have any superhuman powers to evade death, that she signed up to be a nurse and not a martyr, and that she did not join the military where death is a distinct possibility.

Similarly, asking your husband to be superhuman strikes me as ignoring the fact that he is a human being. Asking him to be superhuman long enough to "step up to the plate and hit a home run" every once in a while is more reasonable than asking him to do it day after day for the foreseeable future.

Expecting humans to be super human and act like superheroes results in disappointment. Nurses and doctors are burning out and committing suicide.

No one cares about your marriage the way you do. No one cares about your husband the way you do. Ask yourself how you would react if your husband were asking you to "be a superhero and knock a homerun right out of the park" day after day after day after....

Marriages take a hit with the stress of caregiving. I was married for quite awhile before my mom moved in with us. Starting out with a parent is tougher to deal with!

No doubt about it, it’s a life changing experience. My husband is one of the most easy going men ever and he felt it too.

When mom moved out we both felt the weight of the world lift off of our shoulders.

I haven’t read the answers so I don’t know if you have explained why your dad is living with you.

If it’s possible for you to help your father find a suitable place to move it will be better for all of you.

I realize it’s hard and it’s not usually a quick fix. Take one step at the time. Continue to reach out for help.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I thought for a few moments that I was reading a post about my own husband.

When I invited my parents to live with me, he was less than hospitable, Even though he knew how important it was to me. I have done everything for his family.

I’m terribly sorry and understand what you’re going through.

Life isn’t perfect, but the true heroes stand up when needed. This is your husband’s chance to be a superhero and knock a homerun right out of the park. I hope he steps up to the plate.

A lot of people will probably tell you to put your husband first. I’m proud of you for giving priority to your dad.

It’s times like this you see what people are really made of.

Caregiving is very difficult, you might need help and support. Always keep in mind your marriage comes first. Always keep in mind, after your father passes, you will have your husband.
That being said, he has a role in this too. He needs to be told how much you need his support. He needs to feel valued and needed too. This is a tough balancing act. Communication is always the key.
I had to find a Caregiver support group a few months ago. Fortunately, our town's senior center offered one.
I also bought a great book on marriage, The Unveiled Wife.
Prayer helped me a lot too.
Remember to take time for the two of you, and yourself.
Always have date nights, stay intimate. Find help from a family member or friend.

By giving ur husband top priorit & paying attention to details like: cooking what he wants, laugh (even if you don't want to) at his jokes, not vent to him, being pleasant & cheerful around him ..you get the idea.

My mom was in India in a senior center but developed dementia & got into horrible situations there. My husband saw me struggling with all this and urged me to get her here. This was all last year. In the beginning, I also struggled with mom vs husband but luckily found this forum. My husband comes first (even tho' intimacy is an issue with mom's bedroom right opposite ours). I will put Youtube for mom in her room and try to spend time with my husband.

Make sure your husband knows/senses he's top priority for you...you can do it! Don't make the mistake of being at ur dad's beck & call (like I did last year). As long as he's safe, hire someone and go out with your husband and have date nights.

Neither you nor anyone should ask your husband to "just ignore it". How wrong and unfair! ! Do you want to have a marriage or do you not? ? Why did you invite your dad to live with you? Did your husband join with you in that invitation?I strongly urge you to get counseling right away for you, your husband, and your dad.Your dad should not want to live with you.I sympathize, but it is wrong in every way to expect your husband to want your dad living with you.It is wrong for your dad to want you taking care of him.Please get help right away. Love to all

Beyondsad3,
I think your Dad would want you to have a happy, healthy marriage !
Perhaps it's time to have a frank conversation with Dad.
If he loves and cares about you, he will be understanding.
Best wishes

Tragic and difficult. Dad should be living independently and seperatly from you and your husband. apparently, uor dad is too helpless to live on his own. Therefore, if at all possible, he should find or you should find for him a truly excellent assisted living facility.i am 86, strong, healthy both mentally and physically, and living very happily and totally independently in my own home. i have LTCI and I have picked out 2 very nice assisted living facilities I have authorized my son and my doctor to arrange for me if i become physically or mentally disabled.i could never ever be happy trying to live in somebody else's home. I am hoping to always live alone hiring whatever help I need.However, if I should ever become helpless and dependent, i want to be in a really good facility rather than disrupting someone else's home life.I abhor the idea of ever making somebody feel obligated to take care of me. If I become helpless and dependent, i would rather be in a situation where i am not a burden to anyone or at the very least, as small a burden as possible.Please dear daughter, do not feel obligated to allow your dad to live with you. He should not want to live with you.Seek good and wise counsel for all of you. However, I again implore you to not ever feel obligated to have your dad or anyone disrupting your marriage.Very likely, if your dad were thinking rationally, he would not want to cause you this problem. May God have mercy!

Tough one. I can only speak from experience, but mine is a bit different. A son and grandson had been living with me when I met my husband. I was newly married when I moved in with my mom and let the son and grandson stay in my house. My husband had his own house and still does, so all of it mostly worked out for him, since he could just go home when things got bad. But then it got harder and harder for me to go to my husband's house for weekends because my mom couldn't be left alone. He hardly ever complained, but he wasn't with her all the time. After 4 years of it, I could see that long term it was not going to work for me to live with my mom. I returned to my house and had my son and grandson move in with their grandma so someone was there overnight with her. There were home care people and I filled in the left over hours. Eventually it was just too confusing to continue all the management of mom, care givers, her house, my marriage, my job, and my art practice, not to mention making sure my teenage grandson had a good home life. So Mom went to assisted living. Not ideal, but everyone is better now. You don't say if your dad needs care. If he doesn't, maybe he could get a small apartment close by, so you could go there to visit without involving your husband.

Think about it for a moment. Your dad is 83.

Your husband says your dad is very different than him. He thinks he is selfish and only thinks about money.

We are all different. We are none alike.

You didn't mention anything about your dad being bad or interfering with your marriage. Your husband just doesn't like his ways.

Ask your husband if he can just ignore it.

You can be a caring daughter without your Dad living at your house. I was just talking with someone the other day as we both were regretting our divorces we initiated over 25 years ago.

Our parents moving in with us was a catalyst to the divorce, I saw the same thing happening to my Daughter and her Dad as an only child.
If something is not working don’t keep doing it, when you say you’re caught in the middle it can feel powerless.

Take charge, help your Dad find a place for his current stage of life and live in your current stage of life before you lose your options.

Imho, did you discuss having your dad move in with your husband BEFORE your dad moved in? You two are still newlyweds. Prayers sent.

You two are still newlyweds of sorts....I can understand that your husband probably feels that this is not exactly what he signed on for.  Did you talk with your husband before offering the move to your father?  Why did your dad need to move in....was he unable to care for himself?  Was your home the only option?  Without more information, I tend to lean towards your husbands view of this.

This would be hard on any spouse....even one of 30 years, but your husband is dealing with it on year 3.  You've barely gotten into a routine of your own.

If you value your marriage, rethink the knee jerk reaction of moving your dad in and come up with other options for dad.  He might enjoy the socialization that assisted living offers.