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My 83 yr old dad lives with me & my husband. My husband is highly annoyed & constantly complains about him. I'm stuck in the middle. I love my dad and offered him a home since my mom passed. My husband of only 3 years is angry all the time coz we never lived alone as husband & wife because either his son or my dad lived with us. My husband says that my dad is very different than him...selfish & only thinks about money. My husband would do anything for anyone...but now I am being treated with resentment because I'm stuck in the middle of being a caring daughter and a supportive wife. Help me, please!

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I made a decision long long ago that NO elders would be moving in with me, and I've stuck to my guns. You need to put your marriage first otherwise you'll be getting divorced and having to deal with THAT situation! Get your dad into either an Assisted Living or Independent Living Facility with a continuum of care so he can move as needed within the same community. In reality, elders need companionship of OTHER elders and they get that when they move into a senior care residence. You can go visit him frequently and get back to being a daughter AND a wife instead of being stuck in an untenable situation. Sorry dad, but this is how things have to be now.

Good luck making the decision that's right for your future!
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to lealonnie1
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Did you ask your husband before offering your dad to move in with you both?

There is a BIG difference between having a child living with you and a parent. Your husband had responsibilities toward his son. He may have felt he owed it to you to let your father move in. But things change. Perhaps your husband is recognizing that living with an adult parent is radically different than living with a child.

Your marriage comes first. Your husband is making it clear to you that he no longer wants your dad living with him. *You* aren't caught in the middle - your husband is caught between you and your dad.

Your marriage is too young to survive this level of stress. The stress of having no end in sight to your father living there is clearly weighing heavily on your husband. One of the men in your life will move out. You are the one who has the power to determine who that will be.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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herdingcats Oct 30, 2020
Nothing to add--just wanted to say, great answer!
(7)
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Your husband has priority (just like you hope you are HIS first priority). Your dad needs to live elsewhere. This would not make you an uncaring daughter by any means -- just ask the many many many daughters and sons on this forum whose parents don't live with them. I wish you peace in your heart and a long, vibrant marriage.
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Reply to Geaton777
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ACaring's use of word "superhero" struck a nerve with me. Allow me to explain. My friend who is an ER nurse told me at the start of this pandemic nurses were being called superheroes - her hospital was decorated in garish style with superhero themes - and she felt it ignored the fact that she is a human being, does not have any superhuman powers to evade death, that she signed up to be a nurse and not a martyr, and that she did not join the military where death is a distinct possibility.

Similarly, asking your husband to be superhuman strikes me as ignoring the fact that he is a human being. Asking him to be superhuman long enough to "step up to the plate and hit a home run" every once in a while is more reasonable than asking him to do it day after day for the foreseeable future.

Expecting humans to be super human and act like superheroes results in disappointment. Nurses and doctors are burning out and committing suicide.

No one cares about your marriage the way you do. No one cares about your husband the way you do. Ask yourself how you would react if your husband were asking you to "be a superhero and knock a homerun right out of the park" day after day after day after....
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Did you and your husband both agree that your father could move in? I don’t make those types of big decisions without the discussing it with my spouse and coming to some agreement. And even if he did agree at first, your husband is allowed to voice that it’s not working out. Did you move your father in after your marriage? If he moved his mother in and your life was significantly changed and you didn’t like her, how would you feel?

You don’t give much information about the overall situation, but it sounds like your marriage might be on shaky ground. Is your husband angry about space, personality, money, or what? Does your dad need a lot of care? It’s time for you to sit down with your husband and discuss some solutions. And you’re not stuck in the middle. You put yourself in the middle.
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Reply to Mepowers
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Let me see I’m 65 I moved out of my moms home at 23 I married 2 years later,
the year I married my mother went to FL for 10 years to be a caregiver until my grandparents passed. She then arrived on my doorstep.
so far she has lived under my roof 30 years. I only had 10 years of freedom without her. But during her stay in FL she got 2 weeks of vacation while her siblings attended their parents, So where did she vacation, my house. So I have been living with my mother 53 years+.
Now the past 4 years she is totally totally dependent on me, feed diaper dress, everything even what I don’t want to mention. Let me just say my husband is a very very patient man, more than I am.
You never realize what will be your future, I’m sure if we knew we would of made other arrangements knowing the outcome.
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Reply to Teeavilnor
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If you don’t have enough room for him to have his own private space, it’s better not to do this. Parents should not be allowed to make YOUR life miserable; you owe them some affection & a general looking after - be sure they get the care they need. BUT that doesn’t mean you do all the caregiving! Your life comes first: don’t forget that!
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Reply to annemculver
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At 83, your Dad isn't that old.

You might ask him about living in his own Senior Apartment and he might like that idea where he can be around others his age and make new friends.

If your Dad is going to continue living with you, you and your husband deffiently need one night a week to be alone.

Only 3 yrs into a marriage isn't long and you actually might end up divorced.

You should think about making other arrangements for your father.

Until you find a nice place for your dad, you should at least find a place for him on weekends, giving you and your husband weekends together to be alone from Friday afternoon thru Sunday evening.
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Reply to bevthegreat
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Your husband has valid reasons to feel "cheated." It seems that as a couple you never got the chance to create your unique relationship without others being around. He misses the honeymoon phase where you were first and only in each other's world. Having your dad live with you feels like he will never get that "alone time with your" for years or decades. You may not realize how much time and effort you spend caring for your dad and your husband gets "leftovers" of your time, energy, and passion.

Please consider counselling as a couple. A professional can be an impartial helper to navigate this phase of life into something that is more satisfying for everybody involved. Also consider getting others to help your dad: family, friends, people from your faith community, and/or paid help. Use the time when others care for dad to do things together as a couple and nurture your marriage relationship.
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Reply to Taarna
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This is the 2nd time today I see a question about elderly parents conflicting with a marriage.

My wife and I ended our 30+yr marriage in 2017 because of a devisive Mother
in Law that my wife refused to stand up to. this woman demolished our marriage and for that matter our family. These things left out of control do generational damage to a family.

First you say "I offered him a home" So did the two of you not agree to this?
You also point out it is "only 3 years" of marriage. Does this matter?

Any priest, thereapist, rabbi, etc will tell you the first thing that has to happen is you and your husband must agree the needs and health of the marriage come first. If you cannot agree to this.. you do not have a marriage.

If you agree to this then you and your husband need to agree to ground rules and boundaries. Then the two of you need to sit down with your Father and get his agreement to these. You will need to be clear with your Father if he cant go along with these then he will need to find other housing. as his child you have the responsibility to insure he keeps his commitments.

After you get these boundaries agreed to your husband needs to buck up and be a supportive spouse. He needs to do his part to insure he is part of the solution not the problem.

the other thing to keep in mind if your Father is 83 and still in reasonable health he could live another 15-25 years. You need to understand this. AND his health if it has not yet, will begin to deteriote He will not become 39 again and move out. As he gets older the demands on you will ONLY increase.

your Fathers "selfishness and thinking about money wont change. Are these personality traits causing other conflicts that bother your husband?? as well as your only married 3 years your Father and he likely have not bonded. Your Father has no history with him, he probably sees him as an invader.

If the "only 3 years of marriage" has not bonded yet maybe you need to end the marriage and send this man on his way. Decide if your in or out on this marriage. If your in.. I urge you to follow my suggestions. If your out then end it.
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Reply to lacyisland
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