My 83 yr old dad lives with me & my husband. My husband is highly annoyed & constantly complains about him. I'm stuck in the middle. I love my dad and offered him a home since my mom passed. My husband of only 3 years is angry all the time coz we never lived alone as husband & wife because either his son or my dad lived with us. My husband says that my dad is very different than him...selfish & only thinks about money. My husband would do anything for anyone...but now I am being treated with resentment because I'm stuck in the middle of being a caring daughter and a supportive wife. Help me, please!
Good luck making the decision that's right for your future!
There is a BIG difference between having a child living with you and a parent. Your husband had responsibilities toward his son. He may have felt he owed it to you to let your father move in. But things change. Perhaps your husband is recognizing that living with an adult parent is radically different than living with a child.
Your marriage comes first. Your husband is making it clear to you that he no longer wants your dad living with him. *You* aren't caught in the middle - your husband is caught between you and your dad.
Your marriage is too young to survive this level of stress. The stress of having no end in sight to your father living there is clearly weighing heavily on your husband. One of the men in your life will move out. You are the one who has the power to determine who that will be.
Similarly, asking your husband to be superhuman strikes me as ignoring the fact that he is a human being. Asking him to be superhuman long enough to "step up to the plate and hit a home run" every once in a while is more reasonable than asking him to do it day after day for the foreseeable future.
Expecting humans to be super human and act like superheroes results in disappointment. Nurses and doctors are burning out and committing suicide.
No one cares about your marriage the way you do. No one cares about your husband the way you do. Ask yourself how you would react if your husband were asking you to "be a superhero and knock a homerun right out of the park" day after day after day after....
You don’t give much information about the overall situation, but it sounds like your marriage might be on shaky ground. Is your husband angry about space, personality, money, or what? Does your dad need a lot of care? It’s time for you to sit down with your husband and discuss some solutions. And you’re not stuck in the middle. You put yourself in the middle.
the year I married my mother went to FL for 10 years to be a caregiver until my grandparents passed. She then arrived on my doorstep.
so far she has lived under my roof 30 years. I only had 10 years of freedom without her. But during her stay in FL she got 2 weeks of vacation while her siblings attended their parents, So where did she vacation, my house. So I have been living with my mother 53 years+.
Now the past 4 years she is totally totally dependent on me, feed diaper dress, everything even what I don’t want to mention. Let me just say my husband is a very very patient man, more than I am.
You never realize what will be your future, I’m sure if we knew we would of made other arrangements knowing the outcome.
Please consider counselling as a couple. A professional can be an impartial helper to navigate this phase of life into something that is more satisfying for everybody involved. Also consider getting others to help your dad: family, friends, people from your faith community, and/or paid help. Use the time when others care for dad to do things together as a couple and nurture your marriage relationship.
You might ask him about living in his own Senior Apartment and he might like that idea where he can be around others his age and make new friends.
If your Dad is going to continue living with you, you and your husband deffiently need one night a week to be alone.
Only 3 yrs into a marriage isn't long and you actually might end up divorced.
You should think about making other arrangements for your father.
Until you find a nice place for your dad, you should at least find a place for him on weekends, giving you and your husband weekends together to be alone from Friday afternoon thru Sunday evening.
Husband and I live with my father. My dad says things that upset my husband. My dad is depressed, and misery loves company.
I feel bad, like you, trapped in the middle. Wondering what to do.
I know that hubby should come first. And feel bad keeping us in this toxic environment. That's why I decided to make a plan with hubby that we move and have a caregiver help dad.
The challenge is to influence dad to pay a caregiver. He doesn't like spending. But that's what he needs to do to have the care he needs.
He's isn't going to do it with me here, I need to move so he sees the need. If he asks why I'm moving, I'll tell him I got a job and need to move.
Maybe this can help you too.
I wish you all the best
Ps, if it's your house, your dad moves
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