Your mom's brain is broken, sadly. She believes it's the truth. However, if these lies do mischief or harm to you ( my daughter is trying to murder me), they are stemming from paranoia, delusions or agitation and meds might help with that.
I think one of life's hardest challenges is to watch the person we looked up to our whole lives, the person who took care of us, taught us right from wrong, start acting in a way we were taught to be unacceptable. Lying, not wanting to bathe, making up stories, being nasty, maybe cursing when they never did before. I know myself, as my Mom's daughter, was at first horrified and embarrassed to see my Mom act this way. She would say one thing and I'd jump in to correct her, thinking I was helping her. I was in a bigger state of denial than she was regarding her alzheimer's. It took me a long time to learn just to roll with the waves. Nod my head and agree with her. Mouth a silent apology to someone Mom may have offended. When a loved one with dementia is acting strangely, you have to realize that it's not the person saying those things, it's the disease. I wish I had learned that earlier in my Mom's journey. It was have saved both of us a lot of needless agitation.
this is so true...dementia and Alzheimers do this slowly...and then as it happens more and more you realize one day that it is the 'new normal' for them...it doesn't pay to say 'you're lying'--- just do damage control where it is needed...it causes less arguments and frustration for everyone. If it is health-related, talk with the doctor apart from them; either in notes or a phone call. That way you're not doing it in front of them and saves their dignity....it's all about their dignity. If it's about safety issues, handle it asap for them to avoid any dangers...you may also want to mention to others when they're not around so other people can also keep an eye out for their safety as well...since you can't be attached to them like Velcro, then others can help out too when you're not around....and, they aren't even aware of it. That's the best scenario I have for this issue. Hope it helps somebody !!! :)
You have to remember that they are living in their own reality and as a caregiver we have to enter their reality as people with dementia are right 100% of the time.
Your mother is NOT lying. With her dementia her brain is telling her thoughts that it perceives as "truth", when it is not and you are going to have to learn to deal with it. Just remind her what the truth is, and move on. Trying to convince her will only result in a power struggle, and you will lose. Let her win, unless it is dangerous for her.
I have also had this experience with my mom. She now lives with my brother and sister-in-law and they are bothered by her lies. She used to be even worse, accusing me of things that weren't true, but the doctor put her on a medication patch (sorry, can't recall the name) and the paranoia and general nastiness and cursing at me has gone away. Unfortunately the memory loss still has her either lying or saying that someone else has done things that she did herself. It's a difficult situation to have to deal with because the memories of who they were and who they have become are like night and day. Try speaking with her doctor, maybe they can prescribe a medication that can help.
@ Crazytown, please find out what that patch was. Any help we can have here would be appreciated. Funny thing, in our situation there is lying, game playing, paranoia, delusions, nastiness and the list goes on and on. The part that is so hard to take, we live here and know what is what but the people who don't live here (my MILs own children) think we are the crazy ones because they do not see or hear this behavior on a daily basis and usually does not exhibit it in their presence. They think that we lie and make these things up. Some days, I feel banging your head on a wall is the better option!
You need to go to Youtube and watch Teepa Snow videos about Alzheimers and dementia. And tell your families to watch the videos too...or read some of the information on the alz.org website (The Alzheimer's Association) about how the disease manifests itself. Education is a key for family members to understand why your loved ones are acting as they are. They can't help it.
Yes! I agree with blannie. Teepa Snow is wonderful!!! Really, anyone caring for someone with a type of dementia needs to take improv lessons- ha! Those improv skills of being able to roll with whatever the person is saying is so helpful. We cannot pull them into our reality, so we have to enter theirs.
Example: several years ago I worked at an Adult Day Health and I was in our Alzheimer's program, where we had one particular man who was in the middle of his journey, struggling with a lot of delusions and anger. One day he was convinced his mom was outside, waiting to pick him up (never mind his mom had passed years ago), and NO ONE was going to stop him from going outside. So I went, "Okay! I'll come with you!" Then, as we were walking down the hall, I stopped walking, looked down and said, "Oh gosh, it's really cold outside! I forgot my coat. Can you help me find my coat?" So we "looked" for my coat for a while, and went into our small "quiet room," where we had a photo album of his which he liked to look at. I said, "Oh! What is this? Can you show me these pictures?" So we sat down at looked at the album for a while and then he was able to rejoin the others in the program activity.
I think people with dementia get tired of us constantly correcting them. I think we, as people with healthy brains, don't realize how often we start sentences with the word "No." Who likes to constantly hear that?! Oftentimes, when that is the first word said people shut down and don't even listen to what's said after the "no." It is a rule of improv that you never start a sentence with the word, "No," but instead say, "Yes, and..."
My Mother has dementia, and now lives with me. Since losing my Father to a heart attack in 2013, mom has lost the ability to balance her bank account. I had too take over, because every month she was overdrawn., and bankrupting the family with overdraft fees. She seemed to write checks for whatever bill arrived, the same day it arrived, and it made a huge mess. She was also sending checks off for bills that my Dad had set up top be automatically paid online. She now has everything she needs, and her bills are paid, every month, because I pay them. I gave her a special paid debit card for her Dr co-pays. She is constantly telling people, and relatives that i control every aspect of her life, and that I am buying things off the internet, using her money. None of that is true, and it really makes me look like a total jerk. I explain to her over and over, exactly why it has to be this way, and also where every dollar goes, but she continues to pain me to be the controlling son, who steals all her money. The reality is, If she didn't live with me, and I didn't handle the bills, she would be bankrupt, and homeless. I am totally frustrated, and infuriated over this crap. I am an only child, so i have NO help.
I hear you Furious! My father also accused my brother of stealing anywhere from 10 thousand to 100thousand from him, and my father didn´t dish out a penny for expenses...now he´s with us( me & my sister), demented and bedridden, and possibly dying because he barely eats and drinks...we have access to one of his accounts and are getting a lwayer to try & get to the other accounts before its too late so that we can pay for his care...he calls me all the horrible names on the planet and HATES me to the moon and back, and tries to physically agress me...they can drive us insane. Take care
I work with lots of elderly people in my job as a caregiver. Yes, the elderly person thinks they are telling the truth, and they do live in their own world. I call it "fairy tales" and I would definitely not say it to their face!!! Arlene Hutcheon
My mother lies only regarding food she has eaten ("I didn't have a bite of that") or things she has not been allowed to do ("No one ever asked me to go to our home to get things I wanted."). She is not lying, she truly doesn't remember. Maybe she lies about the food, but I think the nature of the disease is that they don't recall and therefore they "lie" about their issues. The frustrating part of this for the child/caregiver is how to respond. "I'm sorry, I thought we took you to the house." or "Well if you didn't eat that cookie you should taste it, it's great." are both good responses. "We took you to the house five times to get your stuff" is the worst answer and will cause her to cry and lash out. Good luck, there is no perfect answer.
It is part of the disease's process. If the patient believes that it is snowing out, and it is a sunny 80 degree day, it is snowing out. They are not out right lying or telling stories, they really believe it. Go with it! There isn't any point in arguing with them. Their vision or perception is their reality. This is actually one of the first indicators of the disease. Stay involved so, you know what the reality is. Monitor the patient. You will probably need to watch for hallucinations at this point. Looking back, I can see these are some of the first indicators of the disease. Also, you may perceive what appears to be hearing loss or times of the deer in the headlights looks. Call the primary care physician and try to attend medical visits with the patient. At early onset, patients are trying to hide their forgetfulness and attention to detail.
My mom will argue to the death, completely ridiculous points. Today it was warm out, and the heater in the house was set to 78. I came home and said why is it so hot in here? She told me the thermostat changed by itself, and that she never touched it. When i told her, the thermostat doesn't change by itself, she cussed me out, and said i was a F-ing idiot. I am an only child, and my Dad passed away in 2013, so I am the only one here to deal with her, and take all the abuse. She is constantly moving things all over my house, that don't belong to her, or have anything to do with her. I go to find something, and its gone. Why can't she just leave things alone? Cant she just be happy watching tv, and stop messing with everything in my house? I just want to jump off a building sometimes, because this is so ridiculous.
Been there done that. I can appreciate your position. Your Mom is not doing these things on purpose. There is a lot of paranoia and hallucinations involved with this disease. Mom may speak of seeing children, people who have passed away, or people who do not exist, hearing things, people at the door, someone else changed the temperature, etc. As a friend of mine put it, she could look you straight in the eye, while eating a cookie, and tell you she doesn't have a cookie. Your journey has only begun from what you are saying about Mom's actions. Talk with her doctor. There are some medicines that can help with these behaviours. These are all part of the wandering behaviours. There is some financial assistance and grants available from the Alzheimer's Association. Look for a support group and take care of you or you can't take care of Mom. She really does need 24 hour a day care going forward. Not having a family has it's drawbacks and blessings. My Husband's family doesn't speak anymore because no one could decide what was best for his Mom and I became the caregiver. You need help, depending on what the doctor says, Mom either needs assisted living or a nursing home where her needs can be met and you don't wear yourself down. Ask her doctor for a recommendation and a referral, hopefully Mom goes to a geriatric doctor, they are more skilled at treating this condition than a family practice doctor
Example: several years ago I worked at an Adult Day Health and I was in our Alzheimer's program, where we had one particular man who was in the middle of his journey, struggling with a lot of delusions and anger. One day he was convinced his mom was outside, waiting to pick him up (never mind his mom had passed years ago), and NO ONE was going to stop him from going outside. So I went, "Okay! I'll come with you!" Then, as we were walking down the hall, I stopped walking, looked down and said, "Oh gosh, it's really cold outside! I forgot my coat. Can you help me find my coat?" So we "looked" for my coat for a while, and went into our small "quiet room," where we had a photo album of his which he liked to look at. I said, "Oh! What is this? Can you show me these pictures?" So we sat down at looked at the album for a while and then he was able to rejoin the others in the program activity.
I think people with dementia get tired of us constantly correcting them. I think we, as people with healthy brains, don't realize how often we start sentences with the word "No." Who likes to constantly hear that?! Oftentimes, when that is the first word said people shut down and don't even listen to what's said after the "no." It is a rule of improv that you never start a sentence with the word, "No," but instead say, "Yes, and..."