Hubs moved his mom a year ago against my wishes. He and his sister work, I take care of kids,animals, and house ( sister has no kids). I told them i could help but was not comfortable giving the care she needed and she needed to stay in rehab or nursing home. I specifically outlined what would happen after her 21day stay and that everyday after she was paying over 200 a day to be there so USE the REHAB while ur there. She never tried to get up to use the restroom in rehab, and when the bill came do. She freaked! I was the idea to take care of her since I don't work. I protested and protested but a year later her she is. I told my hubs at Thanksgiving ( when sister will be here) I'm simply going to ask what their plan is? I can not continue to take care of all of my responsibilities plus theirs! I'm thinking of saying something like, I would like to see her in her own place by the beginning of summer. Is that to harsh? It will have been 18months of living here at that point.
Thanks for being so responsive on the Forum. It really helps, and is helpful to others when a situation can be more thoroughly explored.
At the end of your last response you say you hope that the ball will get rolling to make changes before you have to start "packing". In all truth I think that it may not. It has gone on too long, and she's formed an opinion of what she can "get by with".
I think you well MAY need to start packing, so whether it's a vacation away, or a trip to the motel on the other side of town with the family knowing you will be consulting divorce attorneys for options, there may come a real need in the new year for push to come to shove.
I sure wish you luck. JoAnn is right. Sometimes you have to be a WITCH (the kind that starts with "B".)
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself
In the meantime, get her ready to return home. Do nothing for her you know she can do on her own.
My brother asked me how did I get my kids out of my house? I told him you have to be a B***h. I did nothing for then they could not do for themselves. Because my kitchen is seen from my front door, I want it straightened up at all times. That means clean up you own mess. My SIL babied her two and the 38 yr old still lives home. Of course MIL wants to stay if you do things for her. Your actually doing her a favor making her do for herself.
Why do all these other people get to literally dictate your life? Why can’t your husband do anything? Why can’t he call/email/text his sister when she isn’t at your home for a holiday? Why can’t he say no to his mother and sister?
I think your choices are to 1) put your MIL in the car and drop her off at her daughter’s house, or 2). Pack now and take a two- week vacation, leaving your husband with the fulltime round-the-clock dictates of his mother. You really don’t deserve this situation they expect you to just tolerate.
You MIL still has her own home? Don't wait until Christmas. Tell your husband he needs to move his mother back to her home now. Before Christmas. On the next day your husband has off from work, have your MIL's bags packed and in his car and send them off.
He can have the conversation with his sister from your MIL's house.
In the meantime, stop providing any care whatsoever for your MIL. Your husband can do it all. Literally every bit.
Who buys your MIL her cigarettes, btw? If she capable of buying her own cigarettes, she's capable of living on her own. If someone else is bringing them into your home, tell them to stop.
It would be a good idea to keep the suggestions from Dawn88, with the 30 day limit. If nothing is clear straight after Christmas (or SIL doesn’t actually ‘stop by’), grit your teeth and follow that line. It would also be good to make it clear that a 'return home' is a one way trip our of your house, not an experiment to 'see how it goes'.
It would be a good idea to keep the suggestions from Dawn88, with the 30 day limit. If nothing is clear straight after Christmas (or SIL doesn’t actually ‘stop by’), grit your teeth and follow that line.
If MIL still has her house, send her back and let Husband/Sister pay for caregivers. Or sell it to pay for Long Term care.
During holidays (when everyone is there) prepare and rehearse a short speech...Don't get emotional, no anger, threats...Keep it calm. Announce after dinner you have something important to say:
"It's been a year now, so I expect other arrangements be made with MIL's living here within 30 days. I won't let this situation continue further. I didn't agree to it in the beginning, and my Husband made vows to ME, not his Mother. I've tolerated enough this past year and it will not continue. I've already consulted a lawyer and know my legal rights. There are limited options:
1. MIL goes back to her home with hired care she pays for;
2. MIL goes to Long Term facility at her expense;
3. MIL moves in with Sister; OR
4. I start divorce proceedings, which will include child support/alimony.
I'm not legally required to provide MIL's "hands on" caregiving whatsoever. I have no problem with filing a divorce, either.
You have 10 days to provide your decision. Your deadline is _____."
Then get up and walk out of the room calmy. I'd probably get my coat and purse and leave to go see a movie, or just get out of there and go get coffee. Take the kids with you. They shouldn't be stuck listening to the nastiness.
Let Husband, MIL and Sister duke it out. Husband will be outnumbered by Wife & Kids. If he sees a lawyer, he won't get good news either.
Best of luck!
I hope you have walked out on your husband and his sister, as some of us suggesting, and are enjoying a MIL-free Thanksgiving holiday long weekend. Please let us know where things stand now. As you can see by all the replies, we care about you.
What you've been saying and what you are actually doing is incongruent.
'Protested and protested' doesn't mean anything if you keep doing it.
In other words, be clear on your boundaries - what you will and will not do and stick to it.
It might help you and the family if you put this in writing.
If you are having difficulty saying 'no,' while frustrated and exhausted, come to terms with your 'inner dilemna' and be very clear on what you want - and WHY you cave in . . . as this is where your 'problem' comes in. You keep doing what you do not want to do. Until you can answer the WHY AM I DOING THIS ??? the situation will remain the same.
It is a red flag to me hearing "Is that to (too) harsh?" as if you are not confident in what you want nor how you feel. If you allow others to decide what you will and will not do, then that is on you. You will continue to feel exhausted and angry at the situation, and it will then back-fire on you/r your health, if it hasn't already.
You need to develop a backbone - (tough love here).
Otherwise, you will continue to do what others expect and/or demand you do as you continue to be frustrated and angry.
Why not move out for a week or two?
Go to an Air b'n'b or take a mini vacation.
Only you can show them you 'mean business' by your actions.
Put your 'decisions' in writing and have a group meeting.
Then you must stick to your decisions to be taken seriously.
Then go see a therapist. You need this support.
Gena
I would inform husband "I can't do this anymore. You and your sis need to find a place where your mom can get the care she needs and deserves. I will stop doing this care on Jan 1."
If she has money saved, the assisted living/nursing home will spend it down first, and she could be switched over to Medicaid eventually when the money runs out. All the best.
Let them get angry. Like somebody else's anger is your problem. Their anger is their problem and not being able to be used any longer. Don't let this drag on any longer. Start applying for jobs to get you out of the home even if it's part time for starters.
I did free caregiving for my younger sister for three years straight with no relief. The cost I calculated was $50,000 a year. Go figure.
I think it is not a matter of "ask", and more like " tell" hubs and sis that you are no longer going to do this and that they need to make another arrangement by such and such a date. 30 days is not unreasonable. You don't need to justify your decision. It's your life and if this is not working for you, you have the right to put an end to it. I agree the cost is not your problem.
What this means is that you are setting boundaries to protect yourself. If people don't respect your boundaries there will be consequences. What consequences are you comfortable with? That you will get a job at the end of this period. that you wll simply stop caring for mil, that you will leave for a vacation until other arrangements are made? It's up to you. They have no right to decide how you are going to spend your days.
Yes, this is a touchy subject; however hubs and his sis are using you. I think you are going to have to be firm. I wouldn't give them 6 months but 1, 2 or 3 at the most. Do expect pushback from them. People don't like their comfortable apple carts upset. But you are the one who is suffering and it is up to you to make the change.
Wishing you the best. Stay firm in your own interests Let us know how things go. ((((hugs))))
Care home -whatever
The cost is non of your business
you can’t sacrifice your sanity and health to save her money
find out all the details then sit down with hubby
remembering this is his mother so an emotional subject so try and be sympathetic but firm
hubby we need a serious talk now- it’s time for your mother to move out
this was never a permanent arrangement and it’s now impacting my health and sanity
Ive made enquiries and these are the options
We need to agree a date and make arrangements
good luck
No doubt if you talk to your MIL, SIL, and husband at the same time there will very likely be a lot of gaslighting going on because chances are everyone wants the status quo to remain as it is, with you taking care of your MIL 24/7.
Speak to your husband privately and speak to him plainly. Tell him that you cannot ans will not go on with his mother living with you then give him a date that she has to be moved out by, otherwise you will leave him. It is up to him and his sister to make arrangements for their mother. Since he supports you financially because you don't earn, you really can't complain about being responsible for the care of your own kids and the domestic chores. If you're a stay-at-home-whatever this is your responsibility. Dealing with your invalid MIL 24/ is not.
There's another even easier way to slove your problems at home.
Get a job.
If you're at work all day earning, there won't be anyone at home to take care of your MIL. Also, by you working, your husband, SIL, and you can hire people to take care of the animals, clean the house, and provide childcare and share the costs.
Why is it that people that punch in with a time clock (ie, paycheck, you're PAID for your time) think that they own all time everywhere and anybody who does not punch in with a time clock, who has a self-directed day regardless of how it's spent, OWES everyone their time?
Newsflash: They don't.
Don't ask. Tell. January 1 MIL needs to be living elsewhere.
If you have to move out with the kids and animals for 4 weeks and let husband and SIL deal with MIL>
I think you are confusing "responsibility" with having a voice in how you live your life. What I mean is, you do not need to justify how busy you already are. If you are uncomfortable with your MIL living in your house, and you have to spend the most time with her, since you are home, while hubby leaves to go to work, you have every right to ask for your home back, to have peaceful enjoyment of your home life, which you have spent years building.
Your husband is being too passive. He is not making a plan. You must either make the plan, or INSIST that he and/or your Sister-In-Law make a plan that does not include you as their mother's caregiver, or babysitter.
No, that is not too harsh! It is your home. You can reclaim it, whether you have any kids or animals to take care of or not!
Actually, it seems MIL is capable of living independently. No one really needs to make a plan for her, your husband just needs to step up and tell her that living with you indefinitely is not an arrangement that is working out and she will need to find another place to live. And give a deadline! Otherwise, no action will be taken.
MIL “is capable of almost everything, she just don't want to do it”. You stop doing it for her. If you want the holiday season to be peaceful, make the change on first January. Just tell her, your husband and sister of the new rules, and start them immediately. Actions speak louder than words.