Hubs moved his mom a year ago against my wishes. He and his sister work, I take care of kids,animals, and house ( sister has no kids). I told them i could help but was not comfortable giving the care she needed and she needed to stay in rehab or nursing home. I specifically outlined what would happen after her 21day stay and that everyday after she was paying over 200 a day to be there so USE the REHAB while ur there. She never tried to get up to use the restroom in rehab, and when the bill came do. She freaked! I was the idea to take care of her since I don't work. I protested and protested but a year later her she is. I told my hubs at Thanksgiving ( when sister will be here) I'm simply going to ask what their plan is? I can not continue to take care of all of my responsibilities plus theirs! I'm thinking of saying something like, I would like to see her in her own place by the beginning of summer. Is that to harsh? It will have been 18months of living here at that point.
This is a marital issue and marital problem.
I would sit down and tell husband that you cannot now go on and that you don't intend to, and that you don't intend to argue about it. I would tell him that he needs to address placement now for his Mom. I would give him a time limit, and I would tell him that after that time limit is up you will be going to a divorce attorney.
I caution you that, before making this move, you make certain to take out money into an account of your own, as you husband may make very quick and certain moves to secrete his money away to places where you cannot access it, thus attempting to prevent any escape of his slave-labor.
On whichever day next week your children finish school (Tuesday or Wednesday), take them and your pets directly to somewhere else. Family, or an inexpensive airbnb, even if it's just in town. Don't tell him WHERE you're going, Don't answer any phone calls from him. Tell him that he and his sister are fully responsible for their mother Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Tell him by the time you get home on Sunday evening, they will need to have a plan because you will not be caring for their mother during the upcoming week, or any other week either. They need to take FMLA from their jobs until their mother is removed from your home, permanently. (If you homeschool your children, leave as soon as your husband comes home from work tomorrow.)
And don't ever describe yourself as "I don't work." Taking care of children IS work. Stop devaluing yourself. Seriously, how dare he?
I think you are confusing "responsibility" with having a voice in how you live your life. What I mean is, you do not need to justify how busy you already are. If you are uncomfortable with your MIL living in your house, and you have to spend the most time with her, since you are home, while hubby leaves to go to work, you have every right to ask for your home back, to have peaceful enjoyment of your home life, which you have spent years building.
Your husband is being too passive. He is not making a plan. You must either make the plan, or INSIST that he and/or your Sister-In-Law make a plan that does not include you as their mother's caregiver, or babysitter.
No, that is not too harsh! It is your home. You can reclaim it, whether you have any kids or animals to take care of or not!
Actually, it seems MIL is capable of living independently. No one really needs to make a plan for her, your husband just needs to step up and tell her that living with you indefinitely is not an arrangement that is working out and she will need to find another place to live. And give a deadline! Otherwise, no action will be taken.
Don't ask. Tell. January 1 MIL needs to be living elsewhere.
If you have to move out with the kids and animals for 4 weeks and let husband and SIL deal with MIL>
You have a discussion with your husband as to what you want to change.
Would having a caregiver..that MIL pays for improve the situation?
Would having your husband be more hands on with her care help the situation? You want her in her own place by summer. Can she manage on her own? Would Assisted Living be better for her?
I also should ask you if MIL paid you for your caregiving duties would that help? (do a quick search for the cost of caregivers in your area. It could be anything from $25.00 to $50.00 per hour more for live in or 24 hour care. It all depends on the care she needs and if medication is involved the cost would be much higher.
MIL should also be paying her FAIR share of ALL household expenses. Is she?
By all expenses I mean if there are 5 people living in the house she should be paying 1/5 of mortgage, gas bill, electric, cable, food and all the rest.
Your feelings and request is valid, this is your home as well.
The big question is if push comes to shove is this a choice of you or your MIL that your husband has to make?
Are you cooking Thanksgiving dinner on top of it all?
I can only guess that after those weeks of him having to deal with his mom 24/7 that he will be more than happy to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And if not you may have to leave with the kids permanently, as any man that would put his mom before his wife and kids is no man at all and should be kicked to the curb.
Like Alva said below, this is really a marriage issue and not a MIL issue.
MIL “is capable of almost everything, she just don't want to do it”. You stop doing it for her. If you want the holiday season to be peaceful, make the change on first January. Just tell her, your husband and sister of the new rules, and start them immediately. Actions speak louder than words.
See All Answers