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Lets say it was Dad. He had to have served during wartime. Aid and Attendance would be what you are looking for if it has to do with care for father or mother. Its actually a pension and you have to prove her/his care is more than her/his income. Disability, not sure but that would have to be from an injury received during service time. I think thats paid out at time of discharge. Spouse of a serviceman is not entitled to disability.
You really need to talk to a representative at your local VA office to find out what a person in the military is entitled to.