How do I get my parents to keep themselves clean and their clothes changed?

Maggie, that's the way people seem to get when they get old. Both of my parents are like that and both of my in-laws. I would tell my mother-in-law that she needed a shower and she would always say she didn't no matter how long it had been. I would tell her I had the heater on in the bathroom and to go in and I would help her. I would sometimes have to tell her several times but she would get up and go in the bathroom and get the shower and clean clothes on. My father-in-law does not take a shower until my husband tells him he needs one and will help him. Both of them wear the same clothes all day and all night until they have an accident in them or spill lots of food on them. My parents are the same way. Because of mental and physical problems they can no longer do anything around the house. Years ago my father requested that we not put them in a nursing home if at all possible. A nursing home for both of them would be $14,000 a month. My sister did research on the internet and found that a live in caretaker that would care for both of them 24 hours a day and 5 days a week would cost a little over $3,000 a month. So my oldest sister hired a live in caretaker to help my sister who still lives with my parents. It is definitely not a one person job. I agree with 3pinkroses. Speak to a social worker first and explain the situation. People who work with the elderly usually know how to deal with them better than us. Parents don't like their children telling them what to do. They would probably be willing to take advise from someone else.

Maggie - My heart goes out to you and your story is such a common one and so difficult to deal with. I'm assuming you are the only one available to help them?

You certainly cannot continue paying for their groceries, etc - especially when they have the funds to do so. Unfortunately, they are taking advantage of you and this will only get worse.

I would call the local elder services in your town and meet with one of their social workers. They can give you advice on what to do next. There are programs such as Meals on Wheels which are a minimal cost and are delivered directly to the door. They can truly help you - they were a lifeline for me and even went so far as to meet with my mother and me together as she would not listen to me when I was alone.

Hugs to you and hope you can get some help. Take care of yourself as best you can - you are a wonderful daughter and your parents are blessed by all you have done for them.

MaggieSuzanne, it sounds like you may have to do some tough love. If they are making $7K a month, they can afford to pay for their own food and home services. I wish I were making that much! The actions of many older people always baffles me. Many are reluctant to spend their own money because they are afraid that they are going to need it later. They don't stop to think that this is later. Others want to save their money to leave it as an inheritance to their children. The solution can be to drain the resources of one child, the caregiver, in order to leave it to all the children. There is a way of thinking here that they want to impress the non-caring children with their generosity after they die. Dysfunctional family dynamics don't make sense.

It sounds like you need to have access to your parents' credit card. You can charge their food on the card, then let them pay it. That way you wouldn't have to have POA or have your name added to their accounts, which they probably wouldn't like. Do not spend your own money. Period. Doing that gives them permission to keep exploiting your good will. They have their own money.

Your mother sounds like mine. She talks like she was once industrious, but the truth is she has always been lazy. I've known her for 61 years, so she doesn't fool me. I've learned there is little that can be done with chronic lazy except not to be so available to do things for them. If your mother is like mine, she'll say things like, "When I was your age, I climbed tall mountains and fought angry lions." Of course, I know the only thing she did was go on walks while the house and yard went to pot. Talking about all she used to do is just her way of trying to manipulate me, and is particularly hateful.

Seriously, someone ought to do a book on the psychology of older folks.

I do not live with them. I live across the street. I have my own expenses plus I have picked up feeding them. They will not even give me any money when they know I am grocery shopping. They have poured money into my niece who does nothing to help. God only knows how much they have given her. I have a suspicion that they are paying her rent. She is in her 30's and has never bought a car or anything else. They buy it all for her. I have helped my dad get a car given to him thru the VA and $1300 per month more on his disability pension. That was to help hire someone to help out. He sat and slept thru the interview and didn't even know what was said.All their meds are paid for thru his insurance and they never owe a hosptial bill. They pay no property tax because dad is 100% DAV. If they give me $1 they think I am supposed to do $100 worth of work for that dollar. Mom came back home with a diagnosis of resolving encephalopathy. they didn't pull that diagnosis out of the air. She had surgery 5 weeks ago to remove a tumor. The surgeon said the tumor was confined to the ovary which they removed and he did not see any signs of cancer anywhere. They had to send the tumor tissue to the Mayo Clinic to identify it since they could not here. She is convinced she has cancer everywhere and she should just lie down and quit and wait to die. She is definitely mental big time. We have MD appoinments this week and we will see. I am going to tell them she thinks she is so weak she can't pour a cup of coffee and has to take a pill to eat. I told her this is not normal. If she has all this she needs to go back to the hospital to determine what is causing her to be nauseated other than anxiety. She signed herself out of rehab but she was not sick there not one day. She has been sick for the past 30 years to hear her tell it. But she was always able to cook for my brother and his daughter. I have not eaten in her house in years. She told me many, many years ago she was not cooking for me. Now she wants me to cook for her on a daily basis. On holidays I was expected to buy and cook the meals for the whole family.I put a royal stop to that. She tried to get smart with me today. I will be glad to walk out anytime and not look back. I was very ill in the hosptial last year. I did not see her for 3 months. She did not come to the hospital while I was there and she did not come to see me when I came home. I nearly died. For 3 days I was comatose. My hair fell out worse than if I had chemo. I do feel she is evil and hates me and I am not far from the truth. My brother is coming from NYC next weekend I hope he will be able to see and he does what is going on. He had told me to get her some Prozac and put in her meds. It just helps to vent. I am thinking about seeking legal advise. If they had to hire someone to do all we do and furnish food it would be well into the thousands per month. Thanks for all the input.

Call an elder attorney and check your local and state government websites for council on aging or agency on aging or something similar. They have resources to help you. If the financial situation is as you say, there are ways to get your folks to help themselves and not use you like a slave. That is wrong. I know they are old, but that is no excuse. Good luck and God bless.

I agree that it sounds as if you're being taken advantage of. No way should you be paying for their groceries but if they can't get out to get them and won't give you money to buy groceries for them what can you do? It might come down to really tough love where you just refuse to pay for their food and their pantry grows more and more empty until one of you blinks first.

My dad had Meals on Wheels and he wasn't low income but he had to be 'homebound' and he was. The only criteria for him was that he not be able to leave the house except for medical appointments, church, and/or a barbershop. As long as followed those rules Meals on Wheels came by every week.

Also, my dad would not take showers for days and days on end. I still don't know if was laziness or fear. I tried to talk to him about it but he had no answers. So after a brief hospital stay (I was mortified that he lived with me and smelled so bad. I was afraid someone would report me.) I arranged for a bath attendant to come by twice a week and that worked for.....one week. Finally I just bought 2 different kinds of wipes: baby wipes for his perineal area and fresh-smelling Lever 2000 wipes for everything else. I plopped these in his bathroom and encouraged him to use them and he did. I would also encourage him to use them on days when I thought he needed to bathe and after BM's. I'd clean his bathroom (in a Hazmat suit) and put everything out he'd need, arranged attractively. Clean, fluffy towels. An empty trash can for the wipes. I'd set out his toothbrush and mouthwash. It looked like a spa. And it spared me from having to continually express to him that he smelled, which was an awkward conversation for both of us.

People who aren't caregivers often say, "Just MAKE him do it!" Well, you can't physically wrestle a grownup into the shower. Or you can't force medication down someone's throat. You can't throw someone over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes, push them into the car to go and see a Dr. Like the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

No more buying food and lots of luck with the hygeine issue. :-)

Well we sure do go through some hell don't we. First of all, what are they doing for you to make you want to buy their food and worry about their hygeine if they are so reprehensible and you have your own place and pay your own bills? Helping out someone is great, but being a personal pull toy is not as someone else on this site said,I forget who said it , but it is a truism. Unless they have alzheimers to the point of not being aware of anything, they will know that they are hungry and they will know that they must clean themselves. I do know that you teach others how to treat you, if you reward bad treatment you will get obliged with more. If they want help set some ground rules, help them pay their bills on line if you wish, get a DPOA if they want more involvement. It is up to you to define how much you will or will not take. If they want your help fine then cooperation and a game plan is in order. Meals on Wheels kind of programs will deliver to anyone and there is a cost, there are services for the homebound that can be paid for when their are funds available and when their are not. The point is that you really have to ask yourself what are your motivations.

Are you sure about "Meals on Wheels?" They may have to pay something. OK, now the next thing I'm about to say may get some negatitivy about it. BUT this is what I did. My friend came to the door, dressed professionally with a clipboard. We did not falsely represent anyone, just introduced her as...Mrs. So & SO. We discussed hygiene and finances. I was asked questions about my finances and expenses. Mrs. So &So told my mother that I could not pay for her groceries anymore as I was not financially able. etc etc. It seemed that a "professional" telling her what would be expected of her was a BIG help. I had friends that told their parents that the yard work was done free because they were seniors and the Dad was a veteran, otherwise they would fire any one who came to the house. I'm all for "whatever works" especially when you are desperate.

I am sure about the meals on wheels. I know the only people who qualify for it here are the low income and food stamp receipents. They wouldn't eat it if they got it. Tomorrow we have a MD appointment with her primary MD. I am asking for antianxiety and antidepressants. I am telling him in front of her if he doesn't oblige I will be leaving and now one is going to know where I am. My brother is on board with this. They know I can't go on like this. On Tues. we have an appointment with the surgeon that did her surgery. I am letting them know that she is not lifting one finger to help herself. She is acting like a 2 year old. Her family were so mentally unstable it isn't funny. After they all passed away it was just like she lost focus of life. She was treated the same way by her family. I don't know why she is singled me out for all the abuse but she has ran her race. I just got off the phone with my brother. We had a lengthy conversation. He did not know she was not doing anything. The home health people are coming this week also. They are going to tell her if she thinks she can't do anything for herself she should consider going into a facility. She is acting like a 2 year old and has my dad so confused and upset that he is just about bonkers himself. I will post an update on Tues.

Maggie I am trying to send you some strength of mind and body, even if only in spirit. My mother (75 yrs. old) was the same way. Until I told her that she may not feel like bathing but that I should not have to smell her body odor! I buy her pretty smelling soaps, perfume and miracles of miracles I got her to start using deodorant!! She is chronically ill so she would get in these phases of not wanting to do anything. I've been caring for her for over 17 years. Of course I am tired of dealing with it because my siblings lives' are way too important for them to help me.

But back to your situation....if your parents receive so much money a month then they definitely can afford to pay someone to come in and help with their hygiene. I threatened my mom that if she didn't bathe then I would bring someone in to do it. By the way, I am her home health provider too. I agree with the other responders in that you must get POA and that you need to find a way to step away in some way in order for you to get some kind of rest. I do not live with my mother and I would never bring her to live with me either. I finally arrived at some type of peace with myself in truly understanding that I am doing the best that I can for her and knowing that someday it will not be enough. But yes I still get exhausted and some days I do not even want to go to her place. Now she is having symptoms of age onset dementia so I know that it may get worse.

But yes, you have to do some tough love and let them know your true feelings instead of bottling up like I used to do at first. Once I let my mom know how I truly felt things got a little bit better. But you need to take care of yourself. I truly wish you the best in this situation and pray that God gives you the strength of mind and body that you need.