How do I get my parents to keep themselves clean and their clothes changed?

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My parents aged 90 and 83 will not bathe and take keep themselves clean. Mom now has HH coming and they offered to send someone to help her bathe, she refused of course. Mom is pretending to be so sick and weak she can't pour herself a cup of coffee, She was evaluated by OT and they said she didn't need it. Yet I am taking care of them doing all the cleaning and cooking as well as furnishing all the food. I am disabled and only get 1290 per month. They get nearly $7000 per month. I can't afford to keep feeding them. It has nearly doubled my grocery bill.They only pay me a sum that amounts to about 25 cents an hour. Mom has nothing wrong with her except she wants to sit and have someone waiting on her. She doesn't want me to go anywhere or do anything but to be at her beck and call. I am ready to lose it big time. Can anyone tell me what to do??? I have a very bad back and have had surgery once and am needing it again. I fear I am going to get myself injured and have to go into the hosptia myself. She does not care that I am unable to hold up to do this from now on. She is just being a real bitch.

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I have the same problem with my mom. She is in the NH and they can't get her to bathe, change clothes, eat, or put on a nightgown. She sleeps in her clothes. She won't let them in her room to clean or change the bedding. She will barely eat. When she does go to the dining room, she won't eat in the same room as the other people. They have put her in an isolated room to eat. I wish they would go into her room when she is in the dining room and at least change the bedding. Then when they bring her clean clothes back she yells at them and "get the hell out of here." This from a sweet lady who never raised her voice and never ever said hell. There is no yelling or lecturing to her, b/c the BOSS would hear about it and then yell at me. My hands are tied in this matter. So I know what other people are going through.
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Sometimes the local hospitals/nursing homes etc. will advertise Family Help seminars. You can ask questions of professionals. Also they have guidance to help you go through this hard time. Stand up for yourself...you can do it! I can tell you have already started to change! :)
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unfortunately i all well know ur plight , if we continue to be berated and pushed around by our parents any of us could loose it , plz seek at least a coffee date with a friend, that way you get a break , you don't have to tell them your plight, just have some self nurturing time away from them . be healthy.get them a a movie and take that time for your self .
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From this point on when you are going to the grocery store, I would announce it to them and request either cash or a credit card. If they don't want to go along with that then tell them you are not buying anything for them.
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Took mom back to her 2 MD appointments. Had her primary to put her on antidepressants. I made sure he knew about the encephalopathy. Went to the surgeon who told her she had a rare type of cancer that required no treatment. It only occurs in 1-2% of all cases. She will have to have a tumor marker done every 6 months and her primary can do it. She made sure she knew there was no cancer inside her of any kind. I made her walk to his office and down the hall. I also made her walk into a restaurant to get a meal. It was a long trip and we were hungry. She was whining wheel chair but she didn't get a wheel chair. I cleaned the house for her today but I did not touch the dishes. I am not doing them anymore. She has this week and she better start thinking about getting up and cooking something because I am giving notice. I could be making $30 an hour because I am an RN. I am sure some of the rich elderly folks in my area would be more than willing to have someone like me come and and do for them and they would not balk at paying. Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed it. If an illness comes up again there is going to be big changes.
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Maggie I am trying to send you some strength of mind and body, even if only in spirit. My mother (75 yrs. old) was the same way. Until I told her that she may not feel like bathing but that I should not have to smell her body odor! I buy her pretty smelling soaps, perfume and miracles of miracles I got her to start using deodorant!! She is chronically ill so she would get in these phases of not wanting to do anything. I've been caring for her for over 17 years. Of course I am tired of dealing with it because my siblings lives' are way too important for them to help me.

But back to your situation....if your parents receive so much money a month then they definitely can afford to pay someone to come in and help with their hygiene. I threatened my mom that if she didn't bathe then I would bring someone in to do it. By the way, I am her home health provider too. I agree with the other responders in that you must get POA and that you need to find a way to step away in some way in order for you to get some kind of rest. I do not live with my mother and I would never bring her to live with me either. I finally arrived at some type of peace with myself in truly understanding that I am doing the best that I can for her and knowing that someday it will not be enough. But yes I still get exhausted and some days I do not even want to go to her place. Now she is having symptoms of age onset dementia so I know that it may get worse.

But yes, you have to do some tough love and let them know your true feelings instead of bottling up like I used to do at first. Once I let my mom know how I truly felt things got a little bit better. But you need to take care of yourself. I truly wish you the best in this situation and pray that God gives you the strength of mind and body that you need.
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Maggie, hugs to you. I wish I knew the answer about bathing and clean clothes. My mother is 98, mobile, capable of doing things, but due to some dementia and laziness, doesn't! She won't shower either. For the past year she has been "bathing" in the sink (which is now constantly stopped up!) She claims she is afraid of falling, but that isn't the case - there is a shower seat. I wish there was a way to get her to shower, but short of physically forcing her, I can't think of it, until such time as she becomes more incompetent and we can move her to assisted living. All I can say is she fights us and lies constantly. She certainly won't listen to anyone! She doesn't wash her clothes, wears stained, pilled, dirty things day after day. She used to love to shop, now won't. She won't wear the new things we buy. Its so frustrating. I bring clothes home to wash (just realized the blue blouse isn't here, which means when I made a pile to bring home, she sneaked it back into the closet (hasn't been washed since X-mas!) Mostly, I sneak dirty clothes into the grocery bags I bring with her food shopping. Maybe that will work for you? I hate to be sneaky, but she doesn't appreciate anything any more nor cooperate. Don't pay for your folks food, you need to take care of yourself! Parents at this age often become so self absorbed they no longer care about anyone else's needs, so you must care for yourself first. Use their credit card if you can. Maybe some day you can talk them into letting you handle their finances, which I now do for Mom. We convinced her by giving her a checkbook and funding small amounts into it for personal expenses. It was a good move because now she is completely irresponsible about money.
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Not much to add just support for the tough love. Just as you can't force them to do any thing they also can't force you.
Try buying cheap food they don't like. maybe hot dogs seven days a week will let them come loose with money.
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With an income of $7000/mth your parents can hire a live-in. The longer you continue to buy their groceries and wait on them hand and foot, the longer they will abuse you. Tell them you will no longer foot their bills as your funds are limited and you can no longer care for them as you have back problems. Then follow-through! You see how fast they can manage to buy their own food and take care of themselves. (All of this is assuming their mental faculties are intact). With that income they can go to an assisted living place with meals and housekeeping included. Take care of yourself!
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PLEASE, let us all know the outcome. We will be thinking of you.
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