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Mums diabetic and vascular dementia doc said diet and exercise is VITAL her progression. How do I get her out for fresh air so frustrating this may end her life sooner if she wont go out and start pumping her heart.

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kazzaa, please read blannie's answer several times. Print it out and read it whenever you are frustrated that Mom isn't doing what you want her to do. "You can't save your mom from herself." ... "Instead of nagging her and making yourself crazy with worry and self-blame, just let her do what she wants to do and enjoy it as best you can."

You might be able to do this more easily if Mom were in a care center.

Watching someone we love engage in self-destructive behaviors is painful. But you really cannot control Mom's behavior.
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Kazaa I'm going to take a different tack. Why do you feel compelled to make your mom do something she doesn't want to do? My dad was overweight and had a stroke. He was supposed to walk for exercise after rehab. He wouldn't. I tried bribing him (I'd get him wine if he'd walk down to the other end of the building 2X a day, even though he wasn't supposed to drink). He never did. I finally figured out that he was going to do what he wanted to do (he was also LAZY with a capital Z and didn't want to walk BEFORE the stroke. I couldn't save him from himself.

You can't save your mom from herself. Once you set down that burden of trying to save your mom, you can relax and do the best you can with the time she has left. She has dementia, she has serious medical issues and her time is limited. Instead of nagging her and making yourself crazy with worry and self-blame, just let her do what she wants to do and enjoy it as best you can.
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she's afraid. try setting some chairs out first and see if you can persuade her to come out and sit...then start trying to persuade her to go a little further as time goes by. Don't set long goals, make it very very very short at first. Don't try to get her to go around the block for example. She'll be afraid she'll get too far and not be able to get back. try walking to the end of your walk and back first then try for two trips, then to the neighbors drive and back...make sure she can see where you are going to quit so she doesnt' worry herself over how far it is.
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Thanks guys I guess youre right that I cannot control her and even years before this weve all tried to get her to walk watch her diet etc..... I am starting to grieve for her and just clinging on to some hope that we still have a few years with her but maybe nagging her is not the answer and just do things that make her happy( ok not a lot makes her happy?) with the time she has left she calls me a bully everytime I ask her to do things healthy? im drained so will hold back a bit I will try the threat of a wheelchair and see what she does if nothing works then as you say leave her alone. My bro and sis are coming over soon if we all have a serious chat with her then see if that works if not then I also want them to understand how we are wasting time and energy and that I cannot keep nagging her to help herself.
Even though ive been on this site for a few weeks and have known she has dementia for awhile NOBODY can describe to you how hard this is until you experience it! thank god for kind caring people! x
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Yes, like Emjo says, allow yourself to grieve. Once you realize you can't control the universe and make your mom younger or healthy and you can't control your mom's behavior, there's both a great weight off your shoulders and a great sadness that she won't do what she *should* do for her best health.

But to look at it a different way, I bet you know there are things you should do for yourself (like take time for relax, get the right amount of exercise, and eat healthy) and I'll just bet that you don't do those either. So it's hard for ALL of us to do what we *should*. But those things are the only things you can control in this situation. What you do for yourself. So let your mom do what she wants to do and live the rest of her life as it pleases her. It may knock a few months off her life, but you'll both be much happier in her remaining time.
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As an alternative, maybe simple dance steps, like back and forth to a favorite song?
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Bribes! If you promised me an hour in a book store or library at the end of a walk I'd go. Walk to her favorite coffee shop, ice cream soda fountain or happy hour. Take her to the prettiest park or botanical garden in town. If she likes to window shop, take her to the mall, or go to a museum or art gallery together. When people are having fun sometimes they don't notice the pain so much. If she is competitive and goal-oriented at all, a pedometer is a great inducement to crank up the mileage. If she likes animals, perhaps a neighbor would be willing to lend you a dog to walk. You might arrange to walk her over to a neighbor's for a cup of tea. I've tried most of the above with good results. One other thing that helped was signing my mom up for an Arthritis charity walk. The first time we did it we raised about $315 and I pushed her in a wheelchair. Everybody cheered her and applauded, and they took her picture crossing the finish line and put it on the cover of their newsletter, so it was a very positive experience for her. The next time she did it she felt so encouraged that she wanted to try walking, so I just pushed the emptywheelchair in case she got tired, while she walked with crutches. She started talking with other friendly walkers and got so caught up in the excitement that she ended up walking about a mile. I was amazed.
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((((((kazzaa)))) grieving can take many forms -anger, anxiety, depression... all of those and more. Allow yourself some space to grieve. Neither you, nor your mother nor her doctor can stave off the inevitable, That does not mean the recommended measures are useless and may not buy someone increased quality of life and time. Of course not. Individuals are just that, and for many, maintaining control of what they can is very important. You say she has always been resistance to suggestion. It is unlikely she will change now. Acceptance of the realities will lower your stress and probably hers. A family meeting is a great idea. You need to lay out how things are so your sibs are fully informed and let your mum hear how everyone feels and let everyone hear how mum feels. Your sibs do need to understand that you cannot keep nagging her. It is soul destroying for you, and not good for your mum. ((((((hugs))))) Let us know how it turns out.
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yes youre right blannie I am going to start to look after myself this is how we get ill later im 48 and still think oh ill look after myself soon and then soon becomes too late? Im even afraid to look in the mirror and havnt for a longtime as this stress is going to age me if I don't start to get healthy.

Look at emjo shes amazing for her age an inspiration for us all! My poor mum shes only 76yrs old and still only looks about 60 she always had great skin people do not believe shes her age even when she first got her bus pass the driver refused her and rang to confirm she was who she said she was!
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Agreed. I think present her with the facts and some options, as suggested, BUT, know that it is her choice and don't beat yourself up about her choices. She may "bite" some of the options and she may not. I do support a facility placement as they have programs, and I think many seniors will go along with others while not going along with a family member. It can take a lot of pressure off family. My mother makes her own choices and at one point that was to not take her antipsychotic meds. We had a few words about it, I let her know what I thought which was that she needed to take them, but agreed with her that it was her choice. If you want to talk about stubborn - mother is it. About a month later, talking to her case manager I found out that it appears that she is taking the meds after all, though she has said nothing to me, and that's OK. The main thing is that she is taking them, However, if she was not taking them I would accept it as her choice. If there were consequences from not taking them, at some point I probably would gently remind her that the pills were given to her to help her. In her case, it is not a matter of her physical health but her mental health. In either case - it is their choice. You can't control anyone else. I wonder with some of these measures, just how many more days, weeks, months of life people gain. From the reading I have done, even when healthy people exercise, it only adds a few years to their lives. I know the medical profession has to recommend measures that improve health -that is their job, but you cannot force anyone to follow them.
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