How do I get my mom to agree to outside help so I can perhaps spend a night or weekend away from home?

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I'm talking a once a month! I would like to be able to take a mini vacation, spend a weekend with my very understanding boyfriend! We live in a very small farming community and mom knows and likes neighbors, one of which does private elder care but she just says oh I know you need a break but.....! She is more of a fall risk then anything and is 81!

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Hats off to you Hadenough. It's like getting out of jail. Treat yourself to a massage, order your favorite dessert. Get one of those Lonely Planet Guides and pack lightly. One suitcase on wheels. !0 pairs of underwear and 10 white T-shirts (from the men's underwear department V neck) and 2 pairs of jeans, and a bathing suit. Take lots of pictures. Don't call home no matter what. Mail your postcards home in the airport as you have to come back so they get there after you do. Do NOT bother to write home to reassure anybody. Have a point person back home you can contact (preferably a best friend, no family members) who can be there is you lost a phone or passport or something. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. If you can think of anything I wouldn't do! When traveling solo, I took pictures of me standing next to statues. That made me ask people to take the photo which was a good icebreaker. Have a wonderful time. I'm proud of you.
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I love the idea of people figuring out that not only are you ABLE to leave, but you WILL! India might be drastic for most of us though. My neighbor is 97, and will abuse those she thinks "can't" leave (family, live-in caregiver), but is absolutely charming with those who could walk away from her at any time (me, my roomies, the staff at Denny's).
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I have been inspired by this forum and especially by FedUpNow and am booking a 3 week trip out of the country. I am giving the sibs plenty of time to figure out arrangements for our 90 yo Mother because she is not coming with me! No one is coming with me. For 3 blessed weeks I will be taking care of no one but myself. I have never done this before and am very excited. Caregivers NEED time away, we also deserve it no matter what anyone says. Cannot wait to hear the stories when I get back about Mom. This will be their chance to cure her of all her ailments since they cannot understand why I am unable to do it.
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I will be 70 in January. I am soft all over, too. You will do stupid things but do them with enthusiasm.
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Awesome, thanks for sharing Fedupnow! You are quite adventurous and brave - I'm a bit "soft in the middle" to handle the same type of vacation but you still inspire me to think of new ideas.
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PS The message was finally received by the rest of my family that I could be out of here whenever I wanted and they couldn't do anything about it. Yes, I sank back into the morass when I got home but the important thing is I got away when I just couldn't stand it anymore. People don't realize you're at the breaking point until they can't control you anymore. Did that change my MILs behavior? No. Did it change the way I think about myself? You betcha! I'm about to plan another escape to South Africa this summer. I am counting the days.The problems people endure in third world countries is nothing short of stunning. You won't come back from one of these experiences looking to God for the answers. Or worrying about your parent's happiness. You will realize how easy they have it because of you and you will appreciate yourself much more than you ever did.They are not alone. They have you. They have, even in old age, comforts and loved ones that many people on this earth have never experienced even as children. I especially want to thank the people I have met on these trips for their heroic efforts and their love and their kindness--it has been a lot more than I ever got in my own home. I hope my strong spirit will enable me to make plans to live with others as roommates when my time to be helpless comes so I won't inflict myself full force on one of my children and be oblivious to the work they have done to keep me alive. I would be delightful to have the bungee cord snap over the Zambezi River as it did a couple of years ago and not survive such an accident. No funeral. No muss, no fuss and no long-term destroying the people I love most as they try to take care of me. Notice I said accident, not suicide. We are all on this forum because we are taken for granted as we continually support our family members and we get no support or appreciation from anyone else but ourselves. Growing old is its own heartbreak. I probably get this escape trait from my father. He owned a machine shop. If he got behind schedule with his cutters and you swore at him, he would close up shop and go duck hunting. It was well-known in the trade, "Don't swear at Charlie or he will go duck hunting" and you will wait even longer for your tools. In one way or another, I am your daughter, Dad. I am a good fire. I burn well.
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I do not have much money. A third world country was affordable for me. When I went to India, the dollar was worth 143 rupees (their "dollar"). By staying at low budget B&B's, I was able to spend approximately $3 US per day on sleeping accommodations. Don't expect to stay in the Taj Mahal. Although I saw that beautiful monument, I often had a choice between hot water and toilet paper but not both. I traveled with three other college students, backpacking all over through forts, incredible poverty, amazing historical places. I came back with a new appreciation for my country and indoor plumbing. I lost 16 lbs. from the constant walking and a lot less eating. Yes, one of the best parts was being out of touch from the invading cell phones, emails, text messages. The world didn't end without me taking care of everything and I got a very much needed break from every single fish hook obligation in my skin. Yes, there were scary times, tired times, I got dysentery for 3 days, I was alone and it was by no means an easy trip. Still it was the best thing that happened to me all year and best of all, I was responsible for making my own decisions which was very empowering after spending years wiping the shit off everyone else's ass. Most important of all I WAS OUT OF HERE AND NO ONE COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!
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Fedupnow, just curious why a third world country? Is it harder for people to track you down there, no cell service?
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How to get away from demanding parents? Feign your own death. Go swimming with sharks. Or do what I did: Book a 3 week trip to a third world country and don't tell anyone you are leaving or when you are returning. In my case, I went to India. I am not kidding. About 5 days into my trip, my husband found out where I had gone. He was shitfaced. But so was I that he stuck me with his mother when he knew we hated each other. Guess what?! Nobody dropped dead. I had a great time. I do this every so often when I can't stand another moment. Do not interrupt your trip. Even for a funeral. You will survive to do more caretaking. Let one person you know where you have gone in case of emergency. The emergency being that YOU need help in that foreign country, NOT that they can call you to complain.
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You are familiar, easy, safe...and free. If you burn out she'll have to pay for care 24/7. Unfortunately the penalty for doing a job well is no one ever wants you to leave! If you don't get a break you become someone you don't want to be and are of no use to her either.
Is it possible to have the care person come over for tea or something the day before so your Mom gets used to her being in the house without the added stimulus of you getting ready to go (they pick up our mood & energy like kids do).
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