How to figure out contacting estranged siblings about the death of their mother?
I had a close call earlier this year when Mom, her caregiver, and I went on vacation and she suffered a terrible fall that left her in the ICU 1000+ miles from home. A planned one week away from home turned into more then 3 weeks. It was so awful, stressful, and unbearable. It is hard enough to have her in the hospital when I am at home and have my car, my house, my pets, etc. to have as a base. There was a moment in the 3 week ordeal where I thought she wasn't going to make it and my thoughts went crazy about the 2 brothers I haven't spoken to for over 5 years. I had ZERO interest in contacting them. They have brought her such pain in the last 5 years. They have destroyed me at different times with their lies about me. The worst is that they are both 100% sure that I am to blame for our family's dysfunction. Over the years I have let most of their crap go, but if Mom is having a bad day and going on and on about how they acted years ago it is hard to separate her problems with them and mine. My therapist and one of my brother's therapist has told us NO CONTACT. What are others on here thinking they will do about a parent's death, about them at services or not, about everything that goes on when a loved one dies?
PS About 10 years ago, when there was still communication, I yelled at one brother who hadn't visited, phoned, etc. for months........"JUST DON"T THINK YOU CAN SHOW UP AT HER FUNERAL, IF YOU AREN'T EVER GOING TO SEE HER BEFORE THEN!!!"
Little did I know what was going to happen with this family 10 years later.
When my mom passes, I intend to repeat the process. She will not be welcome and obviously I'm OK with that.
But, it is up to each of us to decide what to do and how to deal with the horrible family members that we are no longer in contact with.
Once again, thank you again for letting me know that others have not invited some family members to be at parent services. Once again, I have no idea what I am REALLY going to do when the time arrives, but it absolutely kills me to think they could show up and act all wonderful to people there to pay their respects like they never did anything wrong to her these past 6 years. I find your case was easier to say "no" to the sibling since your Mom didn't want her there.
It is such a hard decision, but since they blame me 100% already, I couldn't get any further in shi* with them by things I do from this day forward. After this much time and hearing them say....."we wouldn't do anything different"..... it makes me just say F**K 'em. Of course I apologize for my french on this site.
Then if they don't have the tact to stay away, you can silently repeat that to yourself and maintain your dignity.
If they talk to you, it'd be trickier. My SIL approached me but wisely changed her mind and backed off. My brothers and sister didn't speak a word to me. Perhaps they were as angry with me as I was with them, but I'm not sure how they could have been.
I don't really want to think about it. Feel better!
It sounds as if the two therapists were wise to shout "break!" and recommend that you keep away from each other.
I expect your therapist might also suggest ways for you to avoid ruminating, if you were to bring this topic up in a session. Perhaps also, ways to divert your mother onto less painful preoccupations?
For the immediate issue of How To Notify Estranged Siblings - that is really easy, honestly. You draft a third person notification, similar to what a newspaper notice might say, and put it in the mail. There is no need whatever for you to add any personal touch to what is only a formal courtesy.
It is not up to you to decide whether or not your brothers attend your mother's funeral. On the day, frankly, you should have more important things to think about than their presence or absence. Your mother may occasionally express rejection now by saying that they mustn't come, but when the actual time comes she won't have a say and won't care. Best not to tell them what to do but let them decide for themselves. If you do not voice an opinion it cannot later be held against you.
And just in case they do turn up... If I could get through my mother's funeral without punching my brother or throttling his wife, then so can you. After that, you need never see your brothers again.
You are a sensible and wise woman.
A notification by letter works if addresses are known.
In a case where relationships have gone sour, that is different. My dear grandma used to say, “Give me flowers while I am living.” Wise woman who did not like or respect hypocrisy.
Simply place a death notice in your local newspaper if you don’t want to make phone calls or delegate someone else to make calls.
My son is in constant contact with his cousin, older sis’s daughter. I suppose when it becomes necessary, I’ll tell my son to tell his cousin to notify the family. I will make no calls and I don’t want any from them. Do you have that option? Someone who can notify them for you? Is there an attorney who could send them a letter?