My MIL lives with us in an in-law apartment. She is becoming more and more forgetful. She doesn’t always take her meds (they are all set up for her to take in a daily/weekly tray), she’s lost weight because she forgets to eat or doesn’t have an appetite. She no longer cooks or shops for food. She has a daughter who brings food in for her on a weekly basis and puts them in separate containers to be heated later. Most of the food gets thrown out. She has another daughter who takes care of her hygiene on a weekly basis. She frequently says she is lonely. It has gotten progressively worse over the past year. My husband or myself will see her daily just to ensure she takes her medication and make sure she eats or drinks something.
My husband and I both believe this is the time to transition her to an assisted living home. Mind you, she has lived with us for 19 years now. We are both retired and wish to travel more. We’ve asked where she’d like to go after living here and she has expressed a place in town.
We briefly discussed this with one of her daughters who expressed that mom is fine when you are away. When asked if she wanted her mother to live with her she said she’d be alone all day. IDK. The siblings all believe they are doing their fair share. They might call her or text her daily but MIL is fairly smart and can talk a good game, yes I’m up, yes I’ve taken my meds. But when we see her no such thing has happened. They see her usually once a week. They believe she is well. They think everything is fine.
My husband and I are both burnt out. It’s an agonizing situation and decision. It’s going to cause a family rift on top of the guilt we feel.
That she “ needs more help than family can provide” . Mom needs assisted living .
My Mom did the same thing , threw out meals I brought and was living on cookies .
If the other family members are not on board with placing Mom , they can take Mom to live with them , otherwise Mom goes to assisted living . Time for your husband to tell his sisters that this is no longer working and that Mom has to move out .
There should be no guilt . You did not make your MIL old . As for the family riff, your in laws are the problem . You and your husband are recognizing that his Mom needs more help . I had the same push back from siblings about placement while I was the only one running to Mom’s everyday . Sorry to say it’s very common .
Caregiving is on the caregivers terms . Since you are burnt out , then the next step is assisted living . No one can be forced to remain a caregiver .
Caregivers decide how much they are willing or able to do .
Good Luck
We just couldn't orbit around her. My husband and I were both still working with kids in school. She went into AL. Much better to go into a good facility that has socialization and activities, than to be alone all day long.
You don't wait for your MIL or her daughters to buy into the plan. I sure hope after 19 years that your husband is her actual PoA. Otherwise there can be a power struggle over where MIL goes. But as long as she leaves your house, and you stop orbiting around her like her daughters do, that's a win.
Also, do NOT take on paying for your MIL's facility. It is unsustainable and robs you of your own future care options.
The way you tell her is honestly. You have lived together now for two decades to if honesty is missing from the relationship it is time it enters.
You tell her "Mom, we are sorry but we now want our own home for ourselves, our own lives, our own recreation and privacy. This means that you will need to go to in-facility care where you will have more than a few on more than one shift watching over you, and where you will have companions nearer to your own age. We will be happy to visit once we help you to get settled in. We have discussed this and it is our decision now for our lives."
If the sibs resist what you're going to tell them about the true state of MIL, you and husband need to plan a long trip during which you are away for a length of time that will help them understand. Like off in an RV for a month. Or hiking or a second honeymoon. Anything that would prevent you from taking their calls and texts except once a day when YOU call in at your choice of time.
As a society, we have, in recent years, been inundated with information about how to live joyfully and cooperatively in a multigenerational household. Tiny houses, MIL apartments, granny crannies in the attic, who knows what AARP and their misinformed writers will advocate next! I'm not buying it and neither should MOST families who want to be there for gramps because "we love him so much!" That love doesn't live up to its loveyness when gramps complains, leaks from his Depends, is an alcoholic, won't eat what you cook, won't clean up after himself, calls family members 1000+ times a day, is afraid of the shower, or wanders across a six-lane highway. AARP doesn't tell us how to get away from gramps and grans and old Auntie Harriet when we are burned out. We're stuck with figuring it all out by ourselves with Auntie screaming in the background because she can't get out of her recliner.
I hope your family conference goes well, but I have doubts. Meanwhile spread the word to anyone you know who is thinking of multigenerational mayhem that it's not a good idea. You might be able to save them what you're going through.
Personally, I seriously hope to accomplish my Final Exit before I become a care burden. If that doesn't happen, I will go into facility care, as much as I would prefer otherwise. I do not intend to live with family. I hope OP's MIL --and the sibs--will be reasonable about a change because it needs to happen.
Go to the place in town that she has expressed an interest in, and begin making the arrangements. You're doing it FOR HER.
That's what I said, and I meant it. When mom asked what I meant, I told her that her calling me at work three days running for "emergencies" that were anything but was going to lose me my job. She pushed back, hard.
I explained to her that my brother (the golden child) was likely to have a heart attack rushing to these "emergencies". That got her attention and she agreed to look at Assisted and Independent living facilities.
You need to be honest, direct and not beat around the bush. If sibs think she's fine, then leave for 2 weeks and let them find out.
“The golden one” he does nothing to help and my mother makes every excuse in the book for him. 🙄
All of the siblings like this arrangement because they are doing the absolute minimum and you and DH are doing all of the heavy lifting.
Start touring homes and then give everyone a date in writing when this is all going to change.
Who has POA?
At any rate, please check out Care facilities in your area or near the daughters and go with that plan. OR,
hire care givers for the times of the day she needs most.
I’m having to look for a live-in care giver for my mother with dementia & 87 this year. It’s hard and I have no life due to caring for her in the 3 days a week I’m with her & work the other 3. I’m so tired.
SO… find a nice home & enjoy your retirement & “visits” with mom. :)
God Bless you all,
Kat~
—
failing that maybe say the doctor said you need more help than they’re giving and need nurses assistance but you’ll still call and visit
if sort it out prior so it’s not dragged out
We have been doing this for 5 years. My brother lives exactly 24 miles from her and I have to guilt him into going there for 1 hour on Sunday afternoon to change her sheets and he was supposed to do deep cleaning of the bathroom and anything else she may need while he is there. The past 2 weeks in a row he did NOTHING except change her sheets. He told me to make him a list of what needs to be done so I did that a few weeks ago and his daughter told me got extremely Pi@@ed! (look around, you can tell what needs to be done)
So, I haven’t given him any more lists and we have had to go Sunday evening to do what he isn’t doing.
J guess he thinks everything just gets done by a genie!!
it’s a never ending battle. My heart is breaking because I know we are to the point we can no longer take care of her and her apartment the way she should be taken care of. She has told me several times that she would rather die than go to a nursing home.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice. Me and my husband are retired and have medical issues of our own. We want to travel before we are no longer able to do that. The guilt consumers me at times but I know I have reached the point that I can’t do it and my husband has almost reached the point that he says it’s either put our lives first or you can go live with your mother. We have been married 40 years and I could not ask for a better husband, provider, partner and he does just as much or more for my mother than I do but enough is enough. I need to put him and our marriage first!
Praying for you and praying we can find a nice place for my mother
🙏🏼🙏🏼.
It’s time if it hasn’t been done already one of you appears to be your Husband because he is not in denial to have or get POA before your mother in law is no longer capable.
Your husband and two sisters need to have a family meeting and your husband needs to put his foot down for the benefit of your Mother in-law.
The sooner your Mother is placed in an assisted living apartment that also has a memory care section when her condition progresses so she can acclimate. In this situation the facility will administer her medication at the right schedule and she will enjoy having meals with other residents that have common interests. If help with showering and hygiene is required then that will be part of the care program.
This way now the family can visit regularly take on the role of a loving caring children instead of a caregiver.
With three siblings coming and going and outing and special family dinners at your home your Mother will most likely thrive and enjoy her new busy life with social activities and a loving family.
It’s time you and your husband can enjoy your retirement and take that vacation without worrying about your Mother. That ruler of life is getting shorter.
I am POA.
"We are exhausted and cannot care for you as you need. We need to make other arrangements. Your daughter(s) need to help you to out now - we can't do it all anymore."
I question why you feel you cannot 'explain it' ?
Do you not want to?
Do you feel you DO NOT deserve to have a quality life of your own - now, after 19 years of caring for the MIL?
You need to believe that you deserve to do what you want to do. You are giving all your personal power away and if you continue to do that, you will be torn, not able to lead the quality life you (now) want to live, and be more exhausted / depleted.
These times / decisions are not easy although they are necessary to make.
While one of her daughters indicated she couldn't / wouldn't take full time responsibility, tell her it is her responsibility to make other arrangements.
- As this daughter says MIL would be alone ... then she needs to hire caregivers when she isn't there. Simple. She'll continue to 'fight' for 'no, mother can't stay with me because xxx" ... do not allow her to get away with that.
- You need to consider the best situation for all concerned, including YOU/husband and your MIL - and that means her daughters need to decide - with a timeline you provide (not them).
If you do not give this to them ... if they do not abide by it ... then they are (continuing to) taking advantage of your 19 years of good well and care.
Do you want to allow this?
They likely figure 'why stop now' ? they've got a good thing going. . . for 19 years. No stress on them.
Do not negotiate or leave that door open. If you do not set your limits, her daughter(s) will (continue) to do as they are - leaving all the responsibility on YOU and your husband.
* MIL 99.9% will benefit from Assisted Living/memory care.
* Tell the daughters that by xxx (give them a date) that your MIL will need to vacate the property . . . And, until then, you will get caregivers in to manage the day-to-day needs at THEIR expense (or the MIL's - certainly do not use your own $).
If you think you'd exhausted now ... just wait. It'll get worse as you allow this to continue. No one / other family member will change it ... why would they? ... they don't have any responsibility so they are happy campers. And they've known you are a 'soft touch' / easy target to dump on. Enough already.
YOU need to make these decisions.
Write everything down that you want to say; even put in writing and provide to all her children. This may show you are serious with your intentions / decisions. Once you make a decision, you have to stick to it. Her kids need to know that you are serious.
Yes. You will / may feel guilt - realize guilt is RUNNING YOU/R DECISION MAKING. AND STOP IT. You must get your priorities clear.
If you are wavering, you are allowing others to make decisions for you.
Being older and 'burnt out' only gets worse. You MUST enjoy your life as much as you can now. Christ ... isn't 19 years enough? You need to examine your own 'thought process' and see how you are tripping yourself (yourselves) up ... allowing guilt and a lack of a back bone to do what is necessary now.
In the interim, get caregivers in there.
You must STOP doing as you've been doing. You ARE putting your own health and quality of life at risk. Is this what you want (to do) ? "No, it isn't."
It is an agnozing situation because you've allowed others to make these decisions for you and you allow GUILT to dictate your decision making.
Of course, it is SAD to see a loved one decline. And, changing routine is hard although it must be implemented.
Stick to your guns.
Stand up for yourself.
Good Luck.
Gena / Touch Matters
How did the talk go?
I told aunt that she needed more can than I could provide. Of course, the screaming and crying and denial. As long as I was there propping her and giving false independence, everything was fine. I was wearing myself out.
I told my cousins that aunt needed more help than I could provide. It was too much on the family. They yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree with you, but can you come down and help and stay for a week?
I put my foot down and said, no. I can no longer help. It's too much. Aunt needs professional care. The moment I stopped is when cousin hired a caregiver after getting rid of the one I had.
I am no longer involved, and rather like it that way. As long as you're the solution, you will always be the solution.
one's own parents, siblings, uncles, etc. As you can see your family comes before all others. In all things pray that all is according to His plans whether or not you are a believer.
You tell them you have taken care of her for 19 years, and you would like to enjoy your retirement together and do some traveling. You are burned out. Ask them how would they all do, having Mom live with them 19 years? That their protests are meaningless to you at this point. You want your lives as a couple back!
They should be told clearly that AL is not a prison, but a chance to have some socialization, and not have to cook and clean anymore! Plus a team of medical professionals are on site. Mom will get worse eventually, and then what?
If they can't see this reality, they can take Mom into their homes for the next 19 years. Otherwise you are finding her a new place. Why should they get so worked up? They won't be paying for it.
You know Baloney is not a bad word.
See if the place in town has a "respite" week and take a week vacation while she is there. Be sure the place knows that other family members are likely to visit etc, but you make the decisions. See how it goes.
Another thought - take a vacation and have siblings take care of MIL in your house.
Another thought - bring in extra help - hire a caregiver/helper four hours a day to be sure she is up, dressed, breakfast, meds, lunch - then she has the rest of the day on her own.
Be creative and be firm. My sister kept asking why we needed the overnight caregiver if she or I were in the house. The caregiver isn't needed...until they are. Last month, my dad got sick in the middle of the night. My sister did not get up to help (I would have). Then he got sick again in the morning. My sister saw it and ran out the door (duh! why as a daughter do you want to clean up dad?) She finally got it. My dad can't transfer by himself, so has 24/7 care - his mind is fine; he has the $'s to stay in his home; most do not. He is benefiting for his hard savings - military and real estate.
My husband and I finally spoke to the MIL. The conversation went surprisingly well. She said she was expecting this at some point. She is under the impression that we are selling our home although it was never mentioned in that way but we didn’t express that we feel she needs more care. I think if we did state that she’d say she is fine here! We took her for a tour and she visited with a friend she knew. She agreed to go if they have a bed. We submitted an application and now are just waiting for a bed.
The siblings all agreed with one saying “it should’ve happened a year ago,”. The one who said she is fine agreed as well. Her other son was the only one who Thanked us for all we’ve done and continue to do for his mom. They all met with their mother and everyone is aware that if a bed opens up she is moving. The concern now is it take weeks, months, or a year for a bed.
It is a blessing that your MIL also realizes that she needs enough help that it takes an entire family to care for her. Now you can enjoy your visits with her. You can do things WITH her not FOR her.