l cared for my husband for 18 years. He is a stroke survivor with some vascular dementia. How to deal with the grief?

Hmm, well, first, I can empathize. My husband is 81 and having both physical and mental issues. You are asking two questions: dealing with grief and carrying on. So...

Senior75, there is only one way that I know of to deal with the grief. Get ready, you might get mad at me. The path is gratitude. Find the place in your heart where you can feel genuine gratitude for your life with him, for all of his wonderfulness, for his love and companionship. Gratitude for the fact that you had him in your life and still do. Spend a portion of each morning thanking the powers that be for the thousands of things to be grateful for. Keep a gratitude list.

My experience has been that this gives energy, which can then be used to carry on. You will carry on with continued visits and a new activity or hobby--your choice. You know what is best for you.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

My husband had stroke 3 years ago following by pass surgery. His personality changed which brought out his dark side. Days you can't reason with him. If I get into it with him he argues like a child and wants a divorce. I cried most nights. You grief because he is no longer the man you married. I see the stroke took him from me. He can still be alone at home while I'm at work. He's 72, I'm 62. I've learned to detach from him. It doesn't mean I don't care. This attitude will protect you from the painful comments they make for your own health. It's hard to watch them get worse. He had a year of therapy to relearn how to talk, walk. But now he walks very little and is miserable. I refuse now to let this effect me. These are his choices as he reasons enough to still be alone. Stay busy, get involved with things you love to do. Meditate and get exercise. Walk in nature. You've done the best you can. You can't make them do what they don't want to do. In sickness and in health so I'm just a caretaker not a wife. I have 2 children and a grandchild. They are my support. My husbands family doesn't help at all. I can never put him in nursing home as have no insurance for that. I plan to have someone come into home when he can't take care of himself. Detach and stay positive for your own health.

My husband, who is 73, is also a stroke survivor which resulted in vascular dementia. Fortunately, all things considered after all I have read on this site, he is doing pretty compared with what condition he could be in. When he felt bad because he didn't have anything for me for Mothers Day, I told him I am just glad he is still here and functioning pretty well. However I do grieve when I see him walking all hunched over or putting his pants on inside out. I grieve for all the things we used to do together - like shopping for plants for the garden, going out to lunch frequently and other things we used to do. But this is a new phase of life and happens to many many others. As others have stated, you need to find thankfulness in the things he still can do and in the things you can do together - even if it's just sharing a TV program before you have to make sure he gets to bed ok. Good luck and hang in there! It could be a LOT worse!

My deepest, heartfelt wishes to you. Grab the fleeting moments of joy and hold them close. Replay them when the other BS tries to pull you down. I admire you so much.

Excellent advice, Salisbury. And one more thing. I often just turn things around when I feel down because of my hubby's dementia. I know that if I were the one needing the help, he would be helping me the best he can. People who think life should be just one never-ending picnic need to think and analyze. That is not what life is like at all.

You are still his wife, Snowbank. Nothing will ever change that. "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death does you part;" you will always be his wife so long as he is on this earth.

Snowbank, your hubby sounds like he has undiagnosed and untreated post-stroke depression...if that is possible, it might help to get that taken care of. If he is cognitively doing well enough it would even be worth trying marriage counseling. I often wish my parents had done that while they still could.

The only vitamin supplement he takes is ensure. I've been considering going back to a multiple instead. I will try B6. Thanks for suggestion.

I don't feel like a wife anymore either. I feel like the Mommy for my Mother 94 and my husband 73. Not a lot of fun. it is a rough road to travel. I'm sure they will out live me. I am wore out and stressed out. They both seem to be very selfish and think it is all about them. I don't seem to count. Today is a bad day!

What a beautiful testimony, Garden Artist! Just beautiful! I feel that way as well. Every day that dawns is another day when I can make good the vows that I took on our wedding day, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." I know that if I were the one with dementia, my husband would take care of me, too. It is a very difficult time. We just celebrated 64 years of married life. I never dreamed that this is the way we would spend our Golden Years, but if it means toileting him and washing him down and having him sit down to breakfast smelling like a rose, so be it. He eats everything and anything that isn't nailed down, so I think he still has a lot of mileage left in him (I hope)! :)