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My mom is usually resistant to bathing, washing etc. She stopped any willingness to shower recently, or hair washing. I watched a video on making it a spa experience - real life is different then movies. My mom doesn’t fall for how good the soaps smell. Changing disposables is a daily struggle. I can’t stand the idea of her sitting in dirty disposables. Cleaning up messes is what it is. Despite learning and growing always, I fail as I get anxious. My mom swears at me. She calls me names. I know it is the dementia. I have part time caregivers and she recently called one a name of being fat. She has also started to spit in defiance. When I say we need to clean up for hygiene, she has started a “who cares if I die or go to hospital” response. I really try hard. Anyhow, the swearing is really upsetting. Thanks.

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Why does the swearing bother you so much? I would think that her lack of hygiene would bother you more, along with the spitting in defiance. I don't know, that's just me. I'm a caregiver, (been for a really long time) and I can cuss like a sailor, when I need to. Now I don't swear at people, but sometimes when frustrated, it just feels good to let it fly. And I don't have dementia, my husband does, and yes, when he gets frustrated, he swears too.

I feel for your frustration, but I think you have to pick your battles, especially with someone who has dementia. I had to learn that the hard way, long ago. Maybe it's time to be looking for a facility to place mom in, and let the professionals deal with her. That would certainly relieve a lot of your frustrations. Wishing you the best.
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Whoanow Sep 2020
Why does it bother me? Because I try very hard to help her and do more then anyone has/will, and the push back gets exhausting. When she swears, I know it is the dementia, I brush it off, but sometimes I get upset and tell her things like - stop it, don’t be rude, don’t call me names, don’t treat me that way - and those are words I never spoke to her prior to. So I am not treating her with the understanding love that my poor mom deserves. I feel I am being disrespectful to her. She will get angry sometimes when I try to wash her and say she will report me, etc. She will get this wild fearful look of trying to defend herself....against me trying to change her pants. She raised me with immense patience, and I am so burned out - sometimes I listen to myself talk - treating her like a child. Yet she’s my mother. Thank you for your reply.
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For me the swearing is nothing compared to the sadness of all of this. She clearly is not so ill that she doesn't understand what a burden she is. I think about the swearing, just learn to love it. You already know that it is the dementia talking. She has zero power and zero control.
I'm so sorry for what you both are going through. I had so many stroke patients who never swore once in their lives and then could swear like anything after the stroke. It could be very upsetting to some patients.
For me it would matter not a whit in the middle of all the other sadness of this.
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Whoanow Sep 2020
Thank you for your good thoughts
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In my humble opinion, there is nothing to love or even like about hearing one's mother swearing, watching her spit, or listening to her calling people names or hurling insults. Nor is it fun to run into a fight every time you need to change a brief or help with bathing. Not to mention hearing one's mother carrying on about wanting to die tends to create anxiety, even in the most stoic individual. I know, because I consider myself a stoic person and it causes me anxiety to hear my mother talk continuously about wanting to die.

Dementia is a horrible affliction which causes pain, anxiety and misery for all who are unfortunate enough to be afflicted with it or worse yet, have to deal with it on a daily basis. Just because a person has no control over what comes out of their mouth doesn't make the toxic verbiage any less toxic or easier to listen to, does it? I can tell myself 10000x that I won't get annoyed or upset with what my mother says to me, and 75% of the time I DO get annoyed or upset ANYWAY. I'm human, and as such, subject to feeling emotions. No way around it, I'm afraid.

The only way to cope with in-home care for a parent suffering with advanced dementia is to get lots of care givers coming in to help you on a regular basis. Cut down your exposure to her as much as possible, or, limit it. As her dementia progresses even further, you may want to start looking into Memory Care Assisted Living residences which specialize in dealing with these behaviors, ALL of them. There are teams of caregivers there 24/7 to deal with whatever issues arise, day or night. My mother lives in such a Memory Care ALF that has 23 other residents and it's been a life saver for both of us, I can tell you that.

Don't listen to anyone who tries to minimize your frustrations, or suggest that you're being silly for feeling emotionally distraught by what you're witnessing. Being a paid care giver or a nurse or a doctor to dementia patients is not the same as being the daughter or son of a dementia patient and caring for them in home 24/7, not at all.

Try watching some Teepa Snow videos; she has some great tips about bathing dementia patients and great advice to impart in general.

Good luck!
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Whoanow Sep 2020
Thank you so much for your kindness.
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