I'm married with five adult children and 10 grandchildren. I lived away from my parents since I was 19 yrs old. 14 yrs ago my mother manipulated my father into leaving the home they retired to in Arizona to move to Pennsylvania where I live. She didn't ask anyone's thoughts about it. She has tried manipulating my children and they aren't it, which has caused problems in their relationship with her. She doesn't apologize for her behaviour, she says that's just the way I am. She has alienated most of her family, but I'm the one constant. She's been diagnosed with dementia, she's depressed, angry and sometimes suicidal (which may be another manipulation), she's in denial about her decline and has grandiose plans and wants to bully her way into getting it.

I want to put her in her place, but as with my Dad we don't want to deal with the fallout. As soon as she sees someone with something or an experience, she has to have it no matter all cost. She only thinks about the "Now" and not the future. She feels like she's running out of time and wants to have and do all of her life'so goal (i.e. going to Europe, going on a cruise, etc). She is in no condition physically and mentally to do any of those things. My Dad and I don't want to deprive her of the enjoyment of life, but someone's got to be practical. When she starts in with her pity party and want to lay the facts out to her, but it will turn into a major depression and threats of suicide....what do I do :/ Caregiving on a daily basis with Mom and her behaviour is driving Dad to the end of his rope, I feel really bad for him. We've tried a Senior Center, but it doesn't cater to her and make her the center of attention.

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When my adult daughter pulled the "I'll commit suicide ". I called 911.

The Psychiatric head threw a fit at her. Demanded she take it back immediately or he would place her in a lock down unit asap. Point blank told her to knock off the sh*t or she would find herself in a straight jacket for the next two weeks.

she never pulled it again.
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Next time she threatens suicide, calmly call 911 and ask for an ambulance as your mother is suicidal. They will come with a police escort and take her to the hospital for evaluation and monitoring.

This is one time when the paramedics will not listen to the patient if they refuse to go to the hospital, that is why the police come too. If need be, she will be restrained, but off she will go.

Once she is in the hospital they have an obligation to do a mental health assessment. And you can tell the doctors she is not safe in her own home, that your Dad cannot cope with her any longer.

Perhaps if she is faced with the natural consequences of suicide threats, she will understand that that tactic will no longer work.

Full disclosure, we have had suicides in my family and it ticks me off to no end that anyone would threaten it in order to get their way. It is such an ugly thing to do to a family just to control them. The people in my family were in the depths of depression and truly felt they had no other options. It was not an idle threat to get attention.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2019
I was going to suggest the same course of action once my anger level came back down.

Someone needs to put a stop to this, your kids are being effected in ways they can't understand or explain, you and dad can hardly cope, imagine what they are experiencing.

Please do what Tothill has adviced. Time to stop the insanity.
My dear mother used to drive off in the car at night, burning rubber off the driveway, saying she was going to drive off the bridge and kill herself. I was about 6 years old at the time. I used to go hide between the dressers in her bedroom and cry, waiting for her to either get home or for the police to knock on our door. My dad was working late at the deli he owned, and my grandmother would be there at the door, on her knees and praying in italian. To say I grew up in a crazy house is a gross understatement. Mother's hysteria and histrionics had everyone afraid of her......we tip toed around and nobody ever confronted the woman. Dad should have told her to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, but sadly, he never did. Fast forward to now, dad passed in 2015, mother is 92 and living in an ALF, with dementia and even worse narcisstic behavior than ever before. When she says she's going to jump out the window and kill herself, I remind her she lives on the first floor and couldn't do much damage.....try going up to the roof! When she says she should shoot herself, I remind her she doesn't own a gun....but hey, how bout I use our joint debit card to buy you one? I'm sick to death of the 24/7 BS she's been handing out for 61 years, and I'm not going to take it anymore. We have to stop playing the game. Mother has chronic non life threatening issues which she exaggerates for attention. I do the minimum, but even that is a lot, considering I do everything as the only child. I take her in small doses and always keep things real with her. Mother, you are fine, now get dressed and go to lunch and quit the pity party.

Stop walking around on eggshells with mother. If she's being an actress and says she's majorly depressed, tell her you'll call her doctor right away for some anti depressants and to set her up with a THERAPIST. That should FREAK her out suffiently to cut the crap, at least for the moment.If she threatens divorce, dad should tell her he's happy to call a lawyer for her immediately. If she's like my mother, she'll give you the silent treatment which is a huge BLESSING. Nobody can deal with these women effectively, but develop your own tips and tricks to disengage from the drama. As far as feeling bad for dad goes, remember....hes the ENABLER here and has helped create the monster!!! Maybe both of you can ignore her outbursts which she will hate. But if neither of you take the bait anymore, things may start to simmer down a bit. Hopefully. Remember.....disengage, don't take the bait, use sentences like That's unfortunate, I'm sorry you feel that way, get OUT of her sight asap, don't coddle her under ANY circumstances, and keep talking to dad about how BOTH of you need to be acting in unison with we did with our kids.....present a United front.

One day at a time.....,sometimes one hour at a time, huh? Good luck!
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2019
It is amazing the levels people will go to get their own way.

Glad to see you not only survived the trauma but have figured out how to shut it down.

I tell my mom I'm not going there when she starts and she knows the next word that goes there, I leave or hang up.

Stay strong! Jumping out of the 1st floor window, that would actually be funny.
I am going to sound really harsh.

Next time she throws a fit and threatens to kill herself if she doesn't get her way. Tell her to shut up and get it done already.

That is just mind games manipulation and statistics prove that people that use it verbally don't do it. Even if they attempt it, it is nothing but superficial bs to get the attention they are seeking.

Sorry, I was raised with that crap and I think it is the worst thing you can ever use for childish, self centered temper tantrums and to control those around you. She needs a good spanking in my opinion. She doesn't deserve anything from anyone she tries to control with that. Nothing, nada!

I bet this isn't new behavior.
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