Follow
Share

96 year old mother lives by herself, is adamant that she is Still In Control! But making mistakes mishears details & angry when I intervene? I am the only daughter involved in her care (I live 20 miles away, two sisters in other states have no interest or patience to step in to help me). Mother wants only what SHE wants how she wants it. (She's always been this way, it's just worse now because she DOES need my help all the time). No dementia, just old-age slowing down with comprehension, poor hearing which doesn't help her comprehension (!) but she won't admit her hearing is "bad". She's had 3-4 serious health crises in the past 8 years and amazingly recovers every time enough to go home. I guess my question is, how do I deal with the guilt that I am NOT ALLOWED to do what I KNOW would be best for her in just about EVERY aspect of her life? She won't let me hire helpers to come to her house. She expects people "should just WANT to help" her out and she shouldn't have to PAY for it. When she does hire landscapers to do yard work, for instance, she's terribly cheap and thinks it's fine to only pay $10 an hour. She's making mistakes when she writes checks (!), doesn't understand much of what people try to say to her (like the details about the yard work, when and what and how much), won't follow any doctor's advice, etc. etc. Since I can't just begin to use her money to start hiring help (which I have the power to do as I'm named on her accounts at the bank - and she has the funds available, thanks to my dearly departed Dad who provided well for her). Considering her age, her funds should be adequate to hire home health caretakers for many years so she can stay in her home... but... like she said last week when I asked the landscapers to call me if they had any questions, "WHY did they call YOU? This is MY business. I can handle my own business!" *Sigh*

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Just re read the question. Guilt? What's that? Why should anyone feel guilty for trying to help. It's a battle. You win some you lose some. I've done all I can do for my folks. They are currently refusing regular in home help. So be it. Something bad will probably happen forcing the issue. It's not my fault. We can only do so much. Screw all this guilt talk.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I am facing the same- with two parents in ill health with very debilitating illnesses. I think as was mentioned before- we just have to love them where they are. It is difficult- on so many fronts! Even with their level of dependency- they have for years not seen the need for assisted living, or moving closer. I works for months trying to get in home care- the assessments, paperwork, calls during work... And finally they had someone coming in.... Only to cancel the care 3 months later because it was " too expensive".
I had to step back- they are still of sound mind and made choices. I also had to step back, because I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer in November with a hard journey ahead- my health cannot allow for the running I was in place to do for years. They have found neighbors to make meals, clean, take them to appointments, etc. I had a friend tell me a word that has blessed me: surrender. When I feel guilty I have not done enough... I surrender it to God.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You have to be sneaky and lead her to believe all the good ideas are hers. Women are notoriously territorial about their housekeeping and yard.
The only thing you can put your foot down on is safety. If the steps are caving in, you hire someone to fix them, don't tell her until the day they get there.
If she drives badly, you write a request to DMV to give her a road test.
Mom needed a hospital bed, so I ordered one. She was in an uproar until she took a nap on it. Then she insisted she pay for it. I said no, she became more insistent and handed me a check. She walked away thinking she had won the battle. Be sneaky.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Yes, sneaky. My Dads dementia makes everthing impossible and my Moms reasoning is not great these days. She hates to fib to Dad but it doesn't bother me for a second. Nothing gets done, fixed, bought, cleaned, paid if I don't just do it or have it done by lying or tricking Dad and now sometimes Mom as well.

Do as much as you can get away with. Sometimes you get caught and get lectured or yelled at, no big deal. However, pick you battles. Some things are just not worth world war 3. If my Dad likes his disgusting, filthy old recliner what do I care. if Mom needs in home nursing care after surgery, that's going to happen no matter what he does. Ya gotta play hardball sometimes.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hadnuff, when siblings would criticize my husband about his mother's care, he would say "You want to take over? You can start right now." If they say mom needs a housekeeper, tell them to get one. They can take the flak.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Phoenician, point well taken. I don't like lying but in my case it's all that works any longer. It's also called THERAPUTIC FIBBING. Maybe that term makes people feel better. I used to be able to convince my folks to do what made sense but that no longer worked as my Dads dementia got worse.

This is a good discussion. My point is to just do what is most productive for your situation whether it's fibbing, tricking or gentle reasoning. As I was first getting into the caregiving role I had lots of guilt. OMG! Should I have installed a $10000 home safety warning medical alert fire alarm system with ejection recliners?!

I'm better now. I still get stressed out, they can drive me nuts, but guilt? Nope.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have a simular situation. I feel the most guilty when other people tell me what mom needs. For instance her doctor or physical therapist. She won't listen to me or anyone. There is no way to be sneeky about getting her the help she needs. I'm worn out emotionally.

Babara
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I bet your excellent (and sassy) sense of humor helps, Windyridge... ! I can FEEL what you just might sound like talking... Are you my long lost sister? : )
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

So I'm taking care of my husband who has dementia, we found out two years ago. Since finding this out he has gotten violent occasionally. In which CPS has gotten involved and has basically told me to keep the kids away from him or they will be taken away if they are called again. He is now 90 as of Jan 5th. I am 47, I love him with all my heart and my kids. Lately I have been so stressed out because he also has 7 other kids from his first marriage who claim to love him but all they want to do is judge me for what they think I'm doing wrong. I can't take it no more. Between taking care of him, my kids, taking care of the house by myself, paying all the bills which we have more of than income, I can't go get a job cause I have to watch him 24/7. I am just amazed I haven't cracked up yet!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Caretaker, Actually, you don't have to be "it" just yet. Mom IS IN CONTROL, but not of you! Allow her the benefit to use all those people who should want to do it for free.

In another world, compassion and understanding is the order of the day. There is no law against being opinionated or driving everyone away. None of us would have willingly, in hindsight, signed up for abuse, being ordered around, criticized, or anything related to what your Moms plans are for you. The truth is, you may both be more in agreement of what she requires than you know. But, she will require a pound of flesh and your self-esteem from you, and not from others. Let her hire help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter