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Went to see DH today at his MC. The CNA said he was in a good mood, so I was looking forward to a good visit. Wrong! He greeted me with a scowl, had his room packed (again), and was really angry. Kept telling me he had a list of questions for me, and he was beginning to have doubts about me. Note: nothing had gone wrong previously. I'd been visiting by window due to a Covid outbreak, and he was sweet as can be. Even dropped off his favorite cookies the day before, so there was no reason for him to be upset with me in particular.
He wanted a credit card and a phone (long story, but that didn't work out well in the past) and wanted to come home. Short of that, he had no use for me. Said there was no need for me to come back because he'd be dead next time I saw him. He's said this before. Kept talking about being dead, the funeral home, etc. (I've mentioned it to the staff but he doesn't act like this with them.) He was very agitated and screamed and cursed at a couple of resident ladies whose only crime was being confused and coming near him. I was mortified. This is not like him at all! I know... the disease. I finally got up, kissed him, and said I'll come back when you're feeling better. His response was "Don't bother. Next time you see me I'll be dead and it will be your fault."
I am getting better at not taking this stuff to heart and didn't react when he said all this stuff. But he was obviously trying to push my buttons. My question is: if he's behaving for the staff, am I doing more harm than good by visiting? I only come 2-3 times a week now. I want to do what's best but if I don't come, then he gets upset and thinks I don't love him, etc. But I never know if I'm going to meet my sweet husband or this other Mr. Hyde fellow. I'm also terrified he'll act out and hurt himself or someone else and be told he has to leave. What then?

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Bumping up and I certainly hope others might have some good suggestions or insights for you.

What a heartbreaking situation for you both!
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Is there a geriatric psychiatrist who is monitoring his mental status and mood?

If not, get one involved.

Also, remember that UTIs can cause changes in behavior.

If he is behaving like this ONLY with you then yes, I'd be inclined to visited less often, perhaps observe him surreptitiously or simply call staff for updates.

Sometimes we are triggers, who knows why.

(((((Hugs))))).
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poodledoodle Nov 2022
“Sometimes we are triggers, who knows why.”

Because he wants OP to take him home.
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You could probably cut back on the visits. Since he doesn't talk about being dead and the funeral home with the staff, it seems to me that he's choosing this behavior toward you. (This disease, etc., etc., but the demented can be wily scoundrels!) Have you done his funeral preplanning? Why not show up with some brochures, plans, options, and ask him what features he wants at his service? These are things you need to know anyway. Maybe he has a genuine wish to talk about it with someone. If not, you're calling his bluff. My dad had dementia and was perfectly able to help plan his services until he wasn't communicating anymore, and I wish I'd brought it up so that he could have had a hand in it. Sadly, I waited too long. You might not want to.
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It sounds like he is depressed over his current situation but due to his illness he isn't fully aware of his limitations and his need to be where he is. He is likely lashing out at you because he thinks you can help. What he doesn't realize is that you ARE helping by having him in a safe environment. Try and have some understanding for his perspective but don't beat yourself up if you don't feel like visiting as often. It is very hard to see a LO in that situation. Be kind to yourself too.

My father has been going through similar challenges after his stroke. Some days are better than others with both his caregivers and me or any other visitors he might have. Hang in there. You are doing your best but there are some things you can't change.
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When I worked in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, we had a resident who was SO FOUL to her husband, it was awful. She treated everybody else just fine, but Dave she treated like A piece of dirt and cussed him out, made derogatory remarks about him in front of others, wouldn't let him touch her, etc. And STILL Dave came by daily. I have no idea why, I would have told her I'm not visiting again until you decide to treat me in a civilized fashion.

Your dh may want you to take him home yes, but that's not possible. I'd stop the visits which clearly agitate him, and tell him to call you when he decides to treat you like a beloved wife. Then you'll come by for a visit. In the meantime, take care. Love you.

No joke.

You're hurting here too. Not just him. Don't be another Dave and visit every day only to lick your bloody wounds 24/7. What's the point?

Take some time for yourself now, it's ok to do that. Dementia ruins EVERYBODY'S life, not just DHs. Give yourself some grace here and realize he CAN act better, he's just choosing not to. You've done nothing wrong.

Best of luck to you
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