Went to see DH today at his MC. The CNA said he was in a good mood, so I was looking forward to a good visit. Wrong! He greeted me with a scowl, had his room packed (again), and was really angry. Kept telling me he had a list of questions for me, and he was beginning to have doubts about me. Note: nothing had gone wrong previously. I'd been visiting by window due to a Covid outbreak, and he was sweet as can be. Even dropped off his favorite cookies the day before, so there was no reason for him to be upset with me in particular.
He wanted a credit card and a phone (long story, but that didn't work out well in the past) and wanted to come home. Short of that, he had no use for me. Said there was no need for me to come back because he'd be dead next time I saw him. He's said this before. Kept talking about being dead, the funeral home, etc. (I've mentioned it to the staff but he doesn't act like this with them.) He was very agitated and screamed and cursed at a couple of resident ladies whose only crime was being confused and coming near him. I was mortified. This is not like him at all! I know... the disease. I finally got up, kissed him, and said I'll come back when you're feeling better. His response was "Don't bother. Next time you see me I'll be dead and it will be your fault."
I am getting better at not taking this stuff to heart and didn't react when he said all this stuff. But he was obviously trying to push my buttons. My question is: if he's behaving for the staff, am I doing more harm than good by visiting? I only come 2-3 times a week now. I want to do what's best but if I don't come, then he gets upset and thinks I don't love him, etc. But I never know if I'm going to meet my sweet husband or this other Mr. Hyde fellow. I'm also terrified he'll act out and hurt himself or someone else and be told he has to leave. What then?
Your dh may want you to take him home yes, but that's not possible. I'd stop the visits which clearly agitate him, and tell him to call you when he decides to treat you like a beloved wife. Then you'll come by for a visit. In the meantime, take care. Love you.
No joke.
You're hurting here too. Not just him. Don't be another Dave and visit every day only to lick your bloody wounds 24/7. What's the point?
Take some time for yourself now, it's ok to do that. Dementia ruins EVERYBODY'S life, not just DHs. Give yourself some grace here and realize he CAN act better, he's just choosing not to. You've done nothing wrong.
Best of luck to you
My father has been going through similar challenges after his stroke. Some days are better than others with both his caregivers and me or any other visitors he might have. Hang in there. You are doing your best but there are some things you can't change.
If not, get one involved.
Also, remember that UTIs can cause changes in behavior.
If he is behaving like this ONLY with you then yes, I'd be inclined to visited less often, perhaps observe him surreptitiously or simply call staff for updates.
Sometimes we are triggers, who knows why.
(((((Hugs))))).
Because he wants OP to take him home.
What a heartbreaking situation for you both!