How to deal with an old fashioned father who expects me, his daughter, to constantly wait on him? My mom is old and frail and not able.

Wow, I can completely empathize and relate to your situation. My dad moved in with me almost a year ago, and although he is perfectly capable of getting up and doing things for himself, he won’t. He wants to sit in a chair all day and have me bring him everything he wants. He claims he can’t put his trash in the trash can because he can’t open the lid. Come on now.
He also feels entitled to me waiting on him and cleaning up after him because he did put money in my account to help pay for groceries and rent. He also guilt trips me when I go do something for myself and am not around to serve him dinner. It’s beyond frustrating.
What has worked for me is doing what I need to do anyway, knowing he will likely be unhappy with me doing so. But he’s unhappy no matter what. If he really wants his ice cream, he’ll have to get up and get it. It’s not easy to set boundaries, but these situations are given to us to help us grow, speak up for ourselves, and learn to set healthy boundaries. I’ve learned so much and feel like I’ve become much stronger and capable of doing so.
He doesn’t like it, but that’s his problem.
Worst case scenario, you can put them in AL if they can afford it, but if that’s not an option I would start finding mentors and resources to learn the skills to deal with these types of people. It can be a very empowering experience.

Your father may be experiencing frustration, agitation, and/or anxiety. His usual lifestyle has changed and he is not dealing well with the changes.

Start by creating a plan for dealing with his problem behaviors. I really like the books on "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. They outline step by step approach to dealing with behavior issues. You might also want to have a few weekly sessions with a counsellor while creating and implementing this plan.

If you still have problems after implementing your boundary plan, then dad may benefit treatment by a psychiatrist. This doctor can evaluate, treat, and prescribe medications to help treat anxiety or other mental health issues.

Like a spoiled child, Refuse his demands.

"My parents moved in with me last year.
This is really driving me crazy and I am just barely hanging on."

The summary of the first & last sentences of the post.

It hasn't worked out as you expected. That happens. It wasn't fixed in stone was it? Can NOW be the time to start re-assessing?

What does Dad want?
A full-time maid? Does his pension/funds cover that where you live. Or would he better going back home & hiring a maid there?

Hs, what do you want?

I think we need an Aging Care T-shirt range - order a "Daughter. Not Maid" for Hs2474 please 😁.

When my Father got sick, & I was working full time, my Mother took care of him. He had trouble walking up stairs & sometimes I’d walk beside him attempting to help…he’d yell at me, “Don’t help me!” However, I did whatever I could to give my Mother a break. He was not capable the sicker he got, but he always had the ambition of getting better & going back to work! Hugs 🤗

I’ve been thinking about you all afternoon, please forgive me if this message seems ‘over the top’. So:

Why have you gone back to being a dutiful slave daughter, after 25 years in the USA? Didn’t you emigrate for better opportunities NOT to be that?

We regularly have posters who are angry to find that their parent/s’ retirement plan is THEM. Their house, their time, their privacy and their money. They want a bit of support not to fall into the trap. Why should you fall, just because your parents expect it?

You would know if your father’s arthritis was crippling. It’s not. Most of us have a bit as we age, and we manage it with good habits plus appropriate pain killers. It’s no excuse for him not pulling his weight in looking after himself, his wife and your house they are sharing.

Your concern for your mother needs questioning. She is willing for you to do everything to avoid a MAN doing it. It’s not on, mother. And hiring a woman to do the jobs, to avoid a MAN having to do them, is more or less fine if it’s their money, but not with yours.

Why did father retire at 59? Some European countries have a retirement age of 60. I have sympathy with manual laborers whose bodies wear out, but it’s ruinous when applied across the board, backed up by a generous pension and provided to an inflated public service. It helped to ruin the Greek economy, which nearly shackled the EU. An alternative to retirement is that he was sacked, and wasn’t willing to look for another job. And in either case the line would have been ‘We are going to live with my daughter (in the land of milk and honey) (when we’ve spent our money)’. How old is he now? Many people in their sixties and early seventies are working. Perhaps he could get a part time job as a carer, even? Why not?

Regular advice is to read the book ‘Boundaries’. It could help you, and even get the message across to your mother and father. One boundary is that you do everything for yourself that you can.

If you eventually have a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with your father, you can give him a choice – adapt to the way things are done in the USA, or go back to your home country. That lays it on the line. Or take him on a Nursing Home tour - it's for people who can't take care of themselves.

And whatever he expects, stop waiting on him. Find a sentence like "I expect you can do that yourself, Dad", and make it automatic. As is so often the case, you are the one who will have to change. He has no incentive to do it.

Hs2474: The cultural norms adapted by your father will not work in the United States of America. It is imperative that you seek respite by any means possible.

I did see your update wherein you stated that dad is going to help more. Thank goodness.

One small suggestion: Tell your father that he is going to cook one meal a week for you and your mother to show his appreciation. He is capable of this! Tell your mother that he is clever enough to learn to do it for her and for you. Teach him one simple meal that he can do. Then insist that he does it once a week, and cleans up after it. Be appreciative yourself when he does it.

Why? It helps, even if just a little bit. Make it 'an achievement' for him to master. It takes a little chip off the ‘men don’t do things in the house’. It’s one small step for a better situation!

Those might not be old fashioned ways, my Dad was born in 1937 and he treated me and my sister like flowers. He expected something different from my brother.

Being old fashioned is different than being demanding, sounds like this goes way back. He’s not going to change, you’ll need to make other arrangements for him. I bet he does a lot better interacting with strangers he can’t order around. Good luck 💜

Gosh, so very sorry, Hs2474. Your parents are working on 'green card' applications and from that I am pretty sure that there won't be government programs in the USA that can help you with their care. Before you completely "lose it", a plan must be put in place to help YOU. Do you have siblings that can send money to pay for extra help for parents? Could any of the siblings have Mom and Dad come visit for a few weeks, to give you and your husband a break? Sometimes nearby churches might have some daytime programs that your parents could visit for activities, Bingo, just to entertain them a bit. This might be a rude question, but are your parents "English speakers"? If not, it's going to be harder for them to participate in anything outside your home. Some very different boundaries are going to need to be drawn: whole grain bread and coldcuts and salads for lunch (hot lunch program is now closed!), cereal and toast perhaps with hardboiled eggs for breakfast, well, you get the idea. Please do call on other siblings to either come to help OR: to ask your parents to come visit for 2-3 weeks at a time. As your Dad retired at 59 yrs., probably there aren't resources to pay for a lot of the help you are going to need. Siblings, churches, community centers, etc., must be explored to take some of the burden off you. Your parents are not going to change much, but they can make their own sandwiches, I feel sure. Would things have gone better if help could have been sent to them in "the old country" where helpers could have been had more readily? This question makes me seem like a heartless witch, but a slower pace of life with less expensive assistance might be an idea to explore.

Ask Adult Protective Services to evaluate them for placement (wondering if they could live in Assisted Living together)?

Remove yourself from the situation (by physically moving and giving them notice that you are no longer available or willing to be a servant or caretaker).

Please look locally if you want to remain in their lives or across the country if you want to escape.

Good Afternoon,

I agree with a lot that was mentioned on this forum. The previous generation, at least in my family and others have commented on the forum, the women were home full-time which makes a big difference.

It's nearly impossible to keep your schedule. You are being pulled in too many directions. Some decisions need to be made. Call on the troops--in home care services, cleaning women, cook once a week/freeze some, get the crock pot going on the weekend.

Once a week dad foots the bill to eat out. You can't continue like this. I am approaching 60 and came across some You Tube videos this past week that I thought rang so true..by Suzanne Venker, at least in my family.

You can't do everything at the same time.

First of all, I send a ton of empathy your way, I can tell that the situation is excruciating!

I read your responses and since AL isn't an option, I'm wondering what you can specifically outsource to make YOUR life easier?

For example - grocery delivery? Prepared meal delivery in some capacity? House cleaners?

The other thing to keep in mind is if Mom is worsening and needs to be placed in a SNF at some point, you want to ensure that your ducks are in a row. Sounds like you're applying for a green card for them now. I would think about consulting an elder attorney to discuss your options and think long-term about where things can go (ie: needing placement) and start planning now for these potential eventualities.

Also - depending on the state you live in, Medicaid CAN cover AL - so I would look into that too.

Sending strength!

Your parents were always there for you when you were young. Why do you not want to help them now? I always help any family/friends where ever I can. If it is more than you are able to do, then let them know that.

They could look into hiring some in-home help if you are unable and/or unwilling.

I lived thru this too: you sit them down and tell them what you’re able to do & still have a life. Either other siblings get on board or they hire. All children have to find a way to contribute and, if there’s only one, < one cannot do it all!!> No ONE person should be expected to do it all, just because it happens to be a daughter!” The era of women doing most of the world’s dirty work FOR NOTHING is OVER!!

Set boundaries, boundaries, boundaries....
Get in home health care to assist with them in the home . Get " level of care needs" assessment on both from their PCP. Get social services involved in home with them to help present options for their care and help you with difficult conversations with them.
Practice self care ! Do not allow control, guilt tripping etc to prevail. It's called survival...

You can't change your Father. He was raised that way, and we should always love and respect our parents as they sacrificed so much for us in our younger years. In his Generation (Americans also) the men worked out of the home and the women did everything in the home. That is how his brain still works. But, that does not mean you have to be a doormat. I would let him know you are not physically or mentally able to do a job outside of the home AND take care of his every need. Tell him how YOU feel and how exhausted you are. Then talk about getting help for you. A caregiver during the day or placing them in an assisted living facility that had a lot of activities they can enjoy. Then do it. Do the research on your own and after you have made a decision, present it to them as an option that would help you all. But make it clear the entire time that you cannot do all of this on your own without sacrificing your own health. And good luck, :-)

Some men, especially in third-world countries, think that people, especially women, are subservient to them. It’s time you tell your dad that this is America and he’s in the 21st century, not the dark ages where men had control over women or other people.

If your dad sits all day and does not use his muscles, he will lose his mobility. Your dad needs to exercise. Your dad needs tough love. DO NOT harbor such behavior from him. Let him get his own food, an example of which is you should leave the cereal on the table and tell him he should get a bowl and milk and pour his own cereal for his breakfast or toast his own bread and butter it. Otherwise, if he doesn’t want to help himself, let him stay hungry. When the hunger pangs hit him, trust me, he WILL find something to eat. Bluntly tell your father that you work full time and he needs to help out. DO NOT sugarcoat what you’re telling him because he is living under your roof and he MUST abide by your rules.

Either your parents hire help to come assist them , or they go to assisted living on their dime. You are not their servant .

Old fashioned or not, having moved in with you gives your dad (parents) the expectation of being taken care of.

Yes you are right. I will have to think about long term options

Same here. Don't have to be immigrants. My family on both sides have been American for two or more generations. They are still in the mindset of The Old Country and the 19th century. It may be a Catholic thing- this waiting on men like they are kings...or maybe it is just the Patriarchy. Either way, I relate to your frustration. Sometimes I don't mind it but then other times...for instance, a couple of weeks ago I had a flair up from a badly sprained ankle and walking was extremely painful. I wanted to cry that my father had no problem walking for something he wanted and didn't have the patience to wait for, like walking down two sets of steps and to the end of a long driveway to get the newspaper or the mail, but could not put his dishes in the sink, let alone serve himself even a glass of water. And it was obvious by my limping that I was really struggling. And like you, it was my mother who conditioned him to this treatment. When they married in the 1950's a woman did not work outside the home and the man went to work and then came home no later than 5:30 and put his feet up and was done for the day. At least that is the case with my relatives and friend's families. It is tough. And its tough that my father has no idea how hard "women's work" is, nor how hard to maintain my own home as well as his. I made an executive decision to hire maids to come in every two weeks and I am so glad, but the other day he threw a fit and said that seemed very expensive (its not and they do a great job). I wanted to cry as he wrote twice what they cost to clean almost the entire house in checks, in an hour, to every political cause that came in the mail, no matter how sketchy, but would begrudge these hardworking people their modest pay for cleaning up after him. But then I thought about it and I realized this man has probably never cleaned a toilet or dusted a room in his entire life. Anyway, I have no more advice than to learn all about boundaries and learn how to not give nearly as many you know whats about what other people think, including your own parents. When I firmly but kindly lay down the law with my Dad on certain things it tends to go way better than I anticipated...but I do try to do it when he is not super grumpy...

Have you ever had a sit-down talk with your parents in which you say that you all live in the United States of America now and that the old cultural norms will not work here?

They're probably never going to give up their own culture. People tend to remain true to the culture in which they were raised. But at least you could try it.

I'm familiar with many different cultures. I've hosted (for 2 years) an adult married couple from a different culture in my home. I had an Asian daughter-in-law. I've traveled widely. They all thought their culture was superior to mine (American), even when their culture wasn't working for them in this culture.

I had to have various conversations with these people about things they were doing that were putting people off. They could reach a limited understanding (such as don't eat raw garlic and go somewhere where you will be sitting close to someone else, i.e. a theater, because that's not considerate).

Even if you could have the culture conversation and they could understand that in the USA you must work full-time and can't cook three meals a day as people in their country do (and probably those people aren't working full-time), you might get a bit of understanding from your dad. Tell him that if you die of the stress of taking care of him and mom on top of working full time, neither of them will lhave anyone to take care of them.

Don't expect it to work well, but maybe some relief? Good luck. You really need to get them into assisted living.

So your parents are not US citizens? Do they have green cards to establish residency? I will assume they never worked here to get SS and Medicare. That they have not hit the 5 year residency mark, so no Medicaid help. I so hope they have money, because both would do well in AL. At this point, I have no idea what you can do with a man who has been waited on his whole married life. If it was just u and him, you could set boundaries. But by u not doing, he expects Mom to do it and she is getting too frail.

My Mom did everything for my Dad which included drawing his bathwater. He went on disability in his early 50s. They were in their 70s when Dad asked Mom to do something for him (perfectly capable of doing it himself). She told him "You have been retired for 25 yrs, when can I retire" Dad said "never". Not sure if he was serious or just pushing her buttonsv but she blew up.

More info from your profile:

"I am a working professional and I immigrated to this country 25 years ago My parents have moved here with me..."

I totally understand the "old country" cultural expectation thing. There isn't going to be any smooth way to deal with it except to tell your parents you are overwhelmed and that you need help, and they have to pay for it.

First and foremost: are you their PoA? If not, this needs to be a condition upon which you continue with the current arrangement. You won't be able to easily get them transitioned out of your home without the legal ability to do so. Please let us know if you are their PoA because this will dictate what advice you are given.

Still, you can start with hiring out housekeeping, yardwork, and maybe a companion aid to keep them busy. My 2 Italian-American Aunties (who took care of my Gramma until she passed at age 96) were dead-set against anyone (strangers!) coming into their home to help them. I explained the help was for me. Through some effort I found an awesome companion through an agency who stayed with them for 6 years and they adored her.

My Grandma lived in the US from her teenage years on but hardly spoke any English. Hoping your parents have a working knowledge of English, otherwise this will be another speedbump in releasing you as their caregiver.

Also hoping they have the financial resources to fund more help. This info will be helpful too in what advice is given.

Please provide more info.

So this situation is no longer working for you right? Time to make some major changes including placing both parents in an assisted living facility where they'll be around other folks their own age and get to do different activities if they so choose, and just have fun in their final years.
Your health(mental and otherwise)is now suffering from all the stress you're under. Is it really worth it? I'm sure even as chauvinistic as your father is that he nor your mother want your health to suffer because of them.
Sounds like it's time for a honest heart to heart discussion with them both to let them know that it's no longer working for you and it's time for plan B.
Wishing you the best in figuring out exactly what that plan B looks like.

Well, you knew how he was before so you cannot expect him to be any different.

My deceased husbands father was waited on hand and foot by the women in his family, we were at a dinner in their home. I was helping to clean up the table walked by FIL, he stops me and says "You are the only DIL who hasn't served me today, get me a glass of milk"!

Right, I'll be doing that, NOT, I just kept walking.

The only way out at this point is to place them both, they can still live a lot longer, trust me I know...my mother is 98, will be 99 in February a mere 5 months from now. She is in AL and loves it!

Welcome, HS!

Clearly, this situation is not working. Caregiving has to work for all parties.

What are your parents' resources? Is moving to a nice facility an option? Hiring aides?

Your dad is not going to be happy. Forget trying to placate or please him. The world has moved on from the expectation that women were put on earth to serve men.

You are a salaried professional; he and your mom are going to need to pay for their care.