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Brother was inappropriate with me as a child. He lives in another state and calls 84yr old mom only on Christmas and Easter. Now he is coming to town on Memorial Day. I will never speak or lay eyes on him again. Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and of course he does not know because he never calls her. I have been extremely involved in her care. How do I deal with him now showing up and no doubt barking orders and being mean to mom?

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I would consult a legal person and get something legal that he’s not allowed to visit or
if he wants to see mother it’s with someone of authority/ legal in there with him as his behaviour has been intimidating and scary
calm the police if you feel threatened
the man’s a bully
keep away from him
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I have a different approach. First tell him not to come but if you know he will, have a small 'party' there that day. Invite a few friends (the bigger and burlier the better) to hang out so if he does show up you have sufficient back up to keep him in line.
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What ever You do dont leave him alone with her or allow him to enter the home .
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I wouldn't call him to share any information, such as her Alzheimers (or anything else). I'd send him an email or a typed letter with only the most basic information, such as has already been suggested.

"Badbro, Mom will not be available for your visit because her doctor has advised against visitors." (signed) Your Name.

If he appears to be about to show up, then take her to your house at that time. Oh, and change any locks to which he might have keys.
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MG8522 Apr 22, 2025
This is a good suggestion, to change the locks.
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Unfortunately I think that for your mother's protection you need to be with her during the time he will be in town so that he does not take advantage of her or upset her. He could very well be after money and persuade or trick or guilt her into signing anything over to him, which could become complicated, time-consuming, and/or expensive to undo. Is it possible for her to come and stay with you? It would be easier to turn him away from your own home than for her to turn him away from hers. If not. then I suggest that you stay with her. When he comes to the door, if your mother wants to see him, you can monitor the conversation and intervene as POA if necessary. If she doesn't want to see him, then you can turn him away and make sure he doesn't come back.

Is he coming specifically to see your mother, or is he coming for something else and adding on a visit to her?
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Sissy1221 Apr 21, 2025
Specifically, to see her which is weird timing as her birthday is mid-June. This tells me that he is on a mission for himself. On her birthday weekend 11 years ago 4 months following Dad's passing, he flew in, forced her to have a garage sale, then left her sitting alone in the garage amongst Dad's tools etc on the morning of her birthday. I do think I need to be there as much as I do NOT want to ever interact with or see him again.
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You need to tell Him over the Phone " your Mother has Alzheimers I am her caregiver and the doctor doesnt think this is the appropriate time for a Visit . " If he only calls a couple times a year that speaks Volumes . There is No need for him to see her or abuse her at this time . Or abuse you . Stick up for yourself .
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Sissy1221 Apr 21, 2025
I really like this one. Many thanks to everyone who has posted to help me here. I will also work to understand what the POA entrusts me with and how to apply in this situation. "Stick up for yourself" was a very good comment to really make me stop and think and care about me. Thank you.
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Well You need to create a Boundary and tell him " Your Mom is sick and It may not be a time for a Visit "
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So sorry to hear you and your mother are going through this. I am going through this with my brothers and had to invoke my POA last week. So very sad that families do this to each other, especially during these times. I turned it over to God.
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KNance72 Apr 21, 2025
Amen
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If your PoA is actually activated (please read your document to know what activates it legally), then I would change the locks and consider other security devices like a Ring doorbell cam, motion floodlights, etc. Put up a No Trespassing sign. Then inform him by email or text that he will not be permitted onto the property or access to your Mom. It may ultimately take a restraining order to have him escorted off the property by cops, so you may want to pass this by an attorney licensed in your home state to have the right strategies in place. You cannot technically punish your Mom for things he did to you. If your Mom didn't consider it abuse (in the past) not sure where this lands legally or morally now. But do not wait for him to show up at your door before dealing with him. Do not answer the door if he disrepects the boundaries. You must be prepared for this a-hole.
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Sissy1221 Apr 21, 2025
She did and does consider it abuse. She doesn't want him there but can't bring herself to tell him that. I may have to suck it up and be at her house when he is there, otherwise, I really don't know what he would say or how he would say things that could really hurt her emotionally. I mean, she has Alzheimer's. If he acts belligerent or says mean things to her, it will be very painful for her and she will fixate on it for weeks afterwards. Not sure if I could get her to "treat him to dinner" and keep him away from the house all together and as someone else said, keep him in a public place.
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As the POA you can keep him away from her based on the fact he is abusive. If she lives with you, you can keep him out of your house. A little harder if you live with her, but can be done. Your protecting yourself from him. If she is in a facility, ban him on the grounds that he will be disruptive and upset Mom. Give the facility permission to call the police. Make them aware that no info is to be shared with him. Only you get infobon Mom.

I would say, he is after money. Wants to see what Mom has. I so hope you have POA because you cannot reveal that info to him. Thats between you and Mom. You don't need to give him medical info either as POA.
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Sissy1221 Apr 21, 2025
This is very helpful information as I didn't know as POA I could keep information from him. He was inappropriate with me as a child. He is verbally abusive to mom, barking orders and just plain mean. He showed up 4 months after my dad
's passing and forced her to have a garage sale, got what he wanted and left her alone surrounded by dad's stuff and took off. Yes, definitely looking to see her state of health and what she has. Mom feels that way as well. Mom lives on her own at her home that she and Dad built.
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Why would you have to see your brother? Does mom live with you? You need not let your brother into your home.
If your mother is in a care center do not be present when brother visits, but if you are POA for Mom let the facility know that you have a brother who was in the past abusive to your mother, and that you will not be present when he is, but that you request he visit mom only in public setting at the facility.
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Do you have a trusted friend that can come stay with mom while you leave the house for a few hours?
Or if mom is able to get out can you bring her to a neutral PUBLIC place and they can meet there?
If neither of these is possible block calls and do not answer the phone. If he shows up unannounced do not let him in.
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