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Hi fellow caregivers, my first post here. My Mother has recently moved in with us. She has advanced COPD and has always been fiercely independent...she was in Hospice for several months in her own apartment, but was having a lot of difficulty keeping her medications straight and seems to be having symptoms of dementia...so after months of begging her to move in with us to no avail, we made the difficult decision to just go get her. I think she knew she needed help, so she grudgingly complied. I am so happy to have her here, she'd had a few falls, a broken hip, and was terribly overmedicated when she got here. But thanks to some wonderful Hospice nurses...I think we have made a lot of good progress! Her meds are on schedule...which has been a struggle. I realized early on that if I did not hide them from her...she was taking her "as needed" pain and anxiety meds all willy-nilly. She was very disoriented and unsteady when walking. Over the past 2 months I have seen so much improvement....just from taking her meds on a set schedule! But here's the bad part...she resents me for hiding the meds from her. She does not accept that she is having trouble keeping her days/months/hours straight. I think she feels I am being too controlling....because in all honesty I do lean a little that direction....but in this case, I think it is warranted! She is being prescribed heavy narcotics that need to be carefully managed. So my question is, how do you administer meds, while being respectful...yet at the same time not allowing her to do it? I literally have her meds under lock and key...and boy does she ever complain about it to anyone that will listen. It feels like we are constantly wrestling with this power struggle...when she is used to getting her way. And suddenly I am resisting. This is causing a lot of tension....and I wonder if others are going through this parent/child dynamic in reverse. And how they are coping? How do you say, Mom...I'll bring your meds at the proper time. Not before. And how do you help your Mom accept that dynamic? We have so much daily tension over this issue. Just wondering how others have worked though it. Thanks for any advice, in advance!

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It's not a power struggle...it's addiction. My MIL did the same thing due to a broken back and then being prescribed hydrocodone. We were astonished to realized she was addicted after she kept running out of her drug supply in half the time, getting extremely agitated about getting more (and she is normally very sweet and calm) and having slurred speech and other signs. It just never occurred to us this could be a possibility. It's not your mom's fault, but DO NOT trust her with the pills herself...she may overdose. I would discuss with her doctor to see what what they recommend.
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My first thought after reading your story was that because your mom was taking her medications(including narcotics) "willy-nilly', that perhaps she had already become addicted to them(as it can only take 3- 5 days to become addicted to a narcotic) and that's why she's giving you such a hard time about them. It makes perfect sense, and something you should address with the Hospice Dr., so you know what to look for and how to address this situation. The fact that her medication is the only thing she is giving you a hard time about, kind of says it all. Best wishes.
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LaurenD Nov 2020
Hi funkygrandma59,
She had been on the pain and anxiety meds for months before she moved here...so I think you're right, that addiction is likely. When her Hospice transferred here, the nurse told me right away that she was overmedicated. She is just a tiny little woman of 104lbs, and her nurse said her pain meds seemed like way too much for her weight. And this was just her routine meds...not even taking into account how she thought it was fine to take her "as needed" meds on top of it, all day long. We'd actually tried to back her off of the anxiety meds, which are known to lead to falls with elderly people, and that did not go well at all. She made me call Hospice late at night for assistance, swearing that she was dying. The nurse told me, she wants the anxiety med. She's likely going through withdrawal, so at this point...it's probably too hard for her to come off of it in her frail condition..and recommended we leave it as is. But aside from the challenges with her meds...there is plenty more she complains about lol. But it is certainly one of her biggest gripes. Thanks for sharing your ideas!
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First of all, welcome to the forum.

My brother was an addict. When he became sick with his liver disease he received hospice care.

He thought he could get more drugs (OxyContin) by telling the nurse that he dropped pills down his sink or crushed them by dropping them on the floor and stepping on them, all sorts of stuff. The nurse caught on to this fairly soon.

It doesn’t take long at all to become addicted to strong meds. Do you think this is a possibility?

I think that you need to be honest and speak openly with her hospice nurse about her situation. She can speak to the doctor in charge and they will advise you what to do.

Addiction is an illness. Addicts don’t just stop on their own. One of my neighbors became addicted after a back injury. It can happen to anyone if meds are taken often.
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LaurenD Nov 2020
NeedHelpWithMom,
Thanks for the welcome! I do think that addiction is a strong possibility. It's just so out of character for my Mom...she's always been very conservative, hard working...That's what makes all of this so difficult, cause I'm still trying to deal with who she was...when she was mentally sharp, when she was in control...and now I'm having to ask her to let me manage her health care. Here I am, 55 yo, but she still wants to be the adult and takes offense at my interference. I will talk to her Hospice nurse about it, that is a great suggestion. Thank you!
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Lauren,

I’m 65. My mom is now 95.

Mom lived with me for 15 years. When my father died in 2002 she remained in her own home.

In 2005 mom lost her home to Hurricane Katrina, plus her Parkinson’s disease was progressing so she moved in with us. I wanted to comfort her.

My mom is a perfectionist which made our situation quite challenging. It’s an adjustment for them and us.

They do want to parent us even though we are grown women. They want to hold onto their independence. Enforce boundaries.

My daughters were still at home when mom moved in so I had the ‘sandwich’ situation, raising my daughters and caregiver for my mom.

My daughters moved out and my husband and I had no alone time.

I became depressed, my anxiety was rising. I did more than my share with no help from my siblings.

I was worn out. Mom caused problems by complaining to my siblings because she didn’t get her way about everything.

It was decided it would be best if mom moved in with my brother and sister in law. She is now under hospice care.

Of course we have memories of their younger and healthy days. I do understand your struggle. Life can get complicated as a caregiver.
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LaurenD Nov 2020
NeedHelpWithMom,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate so much to your feelings of depression and anxiety, and feeling like you had no alone time with your husband. And while raising your daughters as well! As overwhelmed as I am in this situation with Mom, I can't imagine doing so while also raising children. I am glad that finally your brother stepped up to assist.
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Stick buy your guns. My Mom had Dementia so we put her meds high up so she couldn't see or get to them. Even the pill planner was out of site.

I agree with the addiction thing. You may want to see if the Hospice Nurse is willing to tell a fib and tell Mom rules say that patient cannot give themselves their own meds. Family member needs to be in control to keep count. All meds have to be accounted for.

This could be the reason for her falls, overdosing on meds. My friend had this problem. Seemed perky one say and slurring her words the next day. She was found out of it on her apt floor. She also, at one point, broke her leg.
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LaurenD Nov 2020
Hello JoAnn29,
Yep, I started off hiding them in my closet, which she promptly found while I was in the other room vacuuming. So I ordered a med box with a lock on it, which seems to do the job but I think she finds it insulting. I do like your idea of blaming the nurses rules! : ) Thanks for the suggestion!
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I think that often, with caregivers doing 24/7 care especially, there is a romantic start to it all, and then reality hits. For BOTH parties. For you, and for your Mom. For her there is the loss of independence in a big way. This is the beginning of the loss of everything, rare is the senior who doesn't know that. Thought it was my brother, when diagnosed with Lewy's Dementia, who ASKED me to be his POA, the Trustee of his Trust and to pay all his bills (it took a YEAR solid to get it worked out and set up) he soon enough began to resent it, and he labeled it what it was "I feel like I have lost control of everything". Here was I paying, giving him a complete monthly write up of every cent in and every cent out. Etc. But meanwhile he was losing everything. A sale of his beloved last little home, the move to ALF. We worked together; he was still able to do that until his death. We set up a private spending account to take away that complete loss of control. We did all we good.
But ultimately it comes down to not everything can be fixed. Not everything can be perfect.
Sit with Mom and TALK. Tell her you recognize that this feels like a lack of control, but the truth is that she was not remembering, even though she felt she was, how to take her medications. That she now HAS to let you take that over for her. That you recognize it feels like a loss of control, and it IS, but that you recognize that, and how it makes her feel, and are so sorry for that. But it's how it has to be. Either you, or some MED NURSE at an ALF?
Just be as honest as you can and realize she is mourning the one thing we all require in life, control of our own "stuff". That is worth mourning, worth raging over. It is just that there is now no alternative to that.
It won't be easy. It may not even be resolved. And it sure is a wakeup call from any romantic vision of 24/7 care.
Welcome. You will have lots to contribute to others here as you "live and learn" in this situation. Just look on this period as "Reality Bites". Too bad there isn't one of those cat feeding dishes that automatically opens when it is feeding time--for pills for Mom.
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LaurenD Nov 2020
Hi AlvaDeer,
What an insightful comment, with so many good points to meditate on. You have helped me better appreciate why she is being so difficult, and thinking that maybe I should not be taking her behavior so personally. I think I have had the romantic notion that this was going to be wonderful, being able to be there for my Mom when she needed me, that we were going to have all of this quality time together, etc. And while we do have some good moments I wouldn't trade for the world...we have also had a whole lot of bickering. A whole lot of not being able to please her no matter how hard I try. Of her not cooperating with her health care or behaving in her own best interest. So I think when I feel helpless and frustrated I'm going to try to look at the situation more from her perspective. Thanks for helping me to recognize that more fully.
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Many good insightful answers here.
If your mom's only sticking point is medications can you give her her own Medication container but place "pills" like Tic-tac, Skittles, smarties and other candy that look like pills in the dispenser. She can administer those and you can administer the other ones. This might make her feel like she has a little bit of control.
If she questions it and why you are still giving her some tell her that one of the papers you signed for Hospice is an Opioid Agreement Contract that YOU will be the one to administer some of the medications.. This is a "rule" that Hospice made.
If this does not help it is simply a matter of just biting your tongue and saying that this is the way it is and walk away from any tirade she may have.
The combination of you being in control is an issue as is the distinct possibility of addiction at work is tough for her as well as you.
You are doing what is best for mom, that is all you can do.
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LaurenD Nov 2020
Gosh, that is a a great idea! Thanks so much for the suggestion.
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Hi Geaton777. Thanks for your input. I think you make some good points and while it's hard to accept....addiction is a strong possibility. She was upgraded from hydrocodone to Morphine for her arthritis.
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My father has always been very independent as well. He resents anyone telling him what to do, especially me. I think I will always be the baby in his eyes 😁. It’s difficult now because he has dementia but doesn’t realize it so he’s constantly resisting my help. I try to pick and choose my battles. If something is not too important I try to let it go, even if things might go better if he complied. However I remind myself my job is to keep him safe, so there’s some things I will not back down on even though I know he will get upset. Yes I do wish it was more peaceful, but I realize he’s not going to change. I’m sure it will only get worse to the point I can no longer care for him. If he didn’t have dementia I could probably reason with him on why he should or shouldn’t do something, and remind him I care about him, that’s why we moved him into our guest home, and I’m only trying to do what’s best.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
Dementia is awful. So sorry for your struggle. Caregiving is hard.
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My relative has the meds in a blister pack - prepared by the Pharmacist. Days of the week, morning, afternoon, night all clearly labelled. She is able to self-administer appropriately but if the day comes she cannot, the meds will go into a locked cupboard 'under the Doctor's new rules'.

I would vaguely blame 'new Pharmacy rules' for needing to lock the pain meds up at home. (Hospitals have to lock up the narcotics).

Of course, if you suspect Mother still has pain, even with improved routine, speak with the Hospice Nurse.
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