How do I deal with my 90-year-old mother who prefers to urinate in diaper rather than go to bathroom? I now have to insist she go to bathroom!

Good point,Give aHug, about Mom not having the energy to baby Dad. Will try to remember that. She complains we kids baby him, makign it harder for her to get him to do things for self. Will try to remain calm and positive for all our sakes.

GOGURLZ, your Mom sound a lot like my late Mom when it came to personal care of my Dad. Both were in their 90's so Mom didn't have much energy left to try to baby Dad, it was hard enough for her to maintain herself.... so she felt it was time for Dad to do things himself. Would he? Of course not because he was so use of having my Mom cater to him. But that was her generation where "her job" was to take care of the house, children, and her husband.

I remember when Mom was trying to get Dad to even wear Depends or Depends Guards. He didn't want to, too uncomfortable. So anytime he didn't make it to the bathroom in time Mom would have to bring out the carpet cleaning supplies and hand scrub the carpet. Eventually after doing this a dozen times, the next time Dad didn't make it in time to the bathroom, Mom handed him the cleaning supplies. Before I knew it, Dad had Depends/Guards on their grocery list.

My mom has always insisted dad use his own bathroom, not hers, which is right by the bedrooms. His is on other side of house. Then when he got diagnosed with dementia, she wondered why he wouldn't start using the closer bathroom at night. His bathrm is closer to LR and kitchen during day and he does nto get up to use any bathroom. In fact, we do remind him to check Depends and then he'll usually sit on toilet and uses it if needs to. But she insists that last change of Depends before bed be in his bedroom(?). We do put moisture barrier on bed, on chairs etc. Mom has a germ and a food phobia. She will kiss him good night when he asks her, but otherwise doesn't like to touch her own husband to check Depends, put on creams etc. or go into bathroom to check on how he is showering or to put shampoo on his hair ( he washed but not his hair). Took me and home health aide longer time to be allowed to go in to help him because of Mom's attitude.

Parent is capable of dressing self, though very slow. So we don't put the Depends on him. But he refuses to change the Depends except when he is soaked in the morning. He doesn't go the the bathroom on his own and when we gently remind him to go he says he already did. Help please?

the buttocks tske place. I use a no rinse perianal skin cleaner and go over everything again. I apply a moisture skin barrier to diaper lines , inner groins and thighs , under abdominal fold, in lines of creases and folds and of course buttocks. Never use powder. Once wet it turns into little gray balls that can contribute to skin reddness and breakdown. A lot of facilities ban the use of powder for this very reason.

Coolbuss incontinent care consists of cleaning the skin with soap and water. You could also use a nonrinse perianal skin cleanser. Here is what I do at work. I wash the skin with a liquid soap that is in every room meant for use as s skin and wound cleaner. I make sure I clean all areas such as under the abdominal folds inner groins and thighs. All creases and folds are cleaned . I clean the lower back from a little above the diaper line down to buttocks. I clean the back of the upper legs extending from above knees to where the meeting of thr

Coolbuss, if you're going to do that, which I completely understand, be sure to use a baby wipe to wipe of the urine. It causes the skin to break down. What you DON'T want are skin ulcers. Put baby powder in the diapers as you put them on, too.

I work with the elderly and under state laws to demean or punish anyone is abuse. What you have described comes under emotional abuse. If your dad was under my care in a facility and I acted as you have, I would be fired and reported to the state who would most likely revoke my certification.
I know you are doing the best you can. You must know your limitations. Sometimes loved ones at home come to a point where the best thing for your loved one is to place them in a facility. Sometimes at home is not always the best place. Emotions get in the way and a lot of caregivers will not place their loved ones in a facility. This causes much detremint to both caregiver and their loved one.
First thing is your father is not a child. Children's minds are growing and learning. Your father's mental status is declining as he ages. You have a big responsibility on your hands without the know how and tools. Knowledge will empower you. I suggest you go so far as to pose as a new CNA and join a forum where you can ask questions about the behaviors of your "client. " Do an online search so you can begin to better understand the ageing process. Find out if your father has dementia or has Alzheimers disease and educate yourself to how it may affect your loved one. Know if your dad is taking any meds that could cause confusion. Is he on a diuretic that is contributing to his being more incontinent at times ? Look into a homecare provider to give yourself a break and or an adult day care program. You must especially take extra good care of yourself to deal with the stress level of being a caretaker. Even though I bring none of my residents home with me I do things to deal with the stress of taking care of the seniors I have at work. I take care of many people at one time and I want to give them the best of me. Being punitive is never accecptable. Keep on this forum. The majority of caregivers on here are amazing caring people for you to learn from.I have learned things here also. They are not in a facility and thus are a very creative bunch in finding very excellent solutions to the problems they face. I thank them for this. I keep stepping out of my box and coming here because so much I have been able to use at work. I am so happy to add to the comfort of the loved ones of others. Know that an overwhelming majority of us health care workers are very dedicated.

Sandy1951, I know that you posted about a year ago that you were having severe difficulties with your mother who has dementia and lives with you. Did you take her to a neurologist for possible medications? Did they help at all? Have you gotten any respite care so you can get away for a while? Dementia is a progressive disease. Has it progressed to the point where both you and your mother would be better off if she were in a care center with three shifts of workers?

Purchase an alarm clock just for her. Place it in an area of the house where she sits in the daytime. Set it for every three hours. When the alarm sounds, say , "It's time to change the panties." Do it. No "if, ands or buts", just do it.

By the way, I can be difficult, but how do you deal with a 90 yr. old woman who hates herself, AND the world???

I have been a caregiver to/for my Mom for 8 yrs. She is now 90 and hates the world (sometimes), can't hear (all of the time), and we can not converse, or get through ONE day without a complete WAR. I try so hard not to say very much, and understand but my patience is short by now. Can't even comment on ANYTHING. When my daughter visits she tells her it is all my fault because I am temper-mental. She plays the victim and says she will try UNTIL tomorrow. Please help. I am not a bad person, and I really try. If I stay silent as much as possible, she'll try to argue about that as well. A person can only take so much.

I have a similar problem. My dad will sit in his wet Depends until it leaks through in order to save $$ and use less Depends. It's gross and it's unhealthy. He also doesn't bath NEARLY enough so I am hiring home health care to come in once a week and bath Dad and he's going to pay for it. I'm telling him that the doctor ordered it.

Maybe you could try hiring someone for a week or two and tell her if she doesn't change more often, this person will keep coming back. I don't know if that work in your situation.

good luck!

-SS

My mom is 90...will sit in a Pull Up Depend with a moisture barrier on her lift chair...All Day Long....refuses to get up...Will Not Get Up....I beg, I coach her with a treat, just like a toddler, nothing works. I am her baby, but let my Older sister come in the house and say...."Mother, I smell pee, let's go check"...and she gets right up. Unfortunately my sister cannot come over every time she needs to change...this is just a new phase as of this week....what should I do??

Change the diaper ever 2-3 hours! Just do it.

When seniors get to this stage, there is not a whole lot one can do except to try and save what dignity there is left. I would encourage you to not talk down to your mom about this. She simple cant make it to the bathroom in time. I would suggest that you implement a tolieting schedule much like then do in the nursing home. Either take her or remind her to go use the restroom every two hours. Not only does this provide for repetition that helps her mind, but also trains her body to hold urine a bit longer. Hope this helps!

Please reconsider your reactions and treatment of your father. He may be depressed or just giving up. Either way, as frustrating as it can be, try harder to be your most compassionate and understanding self. Taking away little joys in his life and treating him punitively seems very wrong to me. Is there someone who can give you a break and help you care for your father? I know it can become overwhelming. Best wishes to you.

I agree with the not punishing thing if they cant control it but my dad is 66 he may have dementia but the doctors say he is just lazy and i watch him when he doesnt think im watching and he can do more than he lets everyone believe he just wants to be taken care of. In some ways i feel bad cuz my mom took so much care of him he is used to it. in others i dont cuz he takes advantage ofpeople and lies. Mainly i am just venting i am not creul to him but he needs to stop the lies.

Amen Kitty.
Babalou, take heed. Your actions are unjust.
sorry. read what more seasoned caregivers have written on the subject. I know it's hard but 'punishing' is unrealistic and will do nothing but make you both more miserable.
It's Dementia. It's a disease and it's progressive. It's going to get way worse before it's over so you may want to think about placing your dad if your coping mechanism is failing.
One of the reasons I started the Grossed Out Thread was for folks like you AND me who were absolutely overwhelmed by being a 24/7/365 caregiver.
Vent your tail off but please don't take it out on your dad.
lovbob

Just as I do not believe in punishing a child for accidents because they are learning, I do not believe in punishing an adult who has limited abilities, energy, or mental capacities.

Well...after reading all these answers I have decided to quit taking my dad to the bathroom every 2 hours or so even with depends. He is 97, frail and it wears him out going. Maybe I nees to chill and change him less. Morning, naptime 3 pm and bedtime. Maybe that is enough? I buy diapers that hold a quart! I may start putting a wet proof pad in chairs. Coolbuss

PT, Check and change more. Use a moisture barrier. And there is a foam cleaner cleaner for cleaning the bottom. Depends keep the wearer from the embarrassment of their accident becoming apparent. Changing, cleaning and a moisture barrier are a necessary job of the caregiver....Good Luck

My mother wears depends all day everyday but she uses the bathroom to, at the end of the day her depend is so wet and it smells I have tried everything to keep the smell away and ideas! I need help,

A urinary tract infection can cause incontinence (UTI). So see a doctor but more than likely it is the progression of dementia. I doubt if your mother prefers to sit in a wet "depend".. And it won't get easier. You need to learn how to deal with it and also realize what a blessing you are to your mother.

Well if they have the ability to not go in their diaper unfortunatly you have to treat them like a child. They have to be punished I hate that i have to treat my father like a child and take things away but if he wont wash or shower he doesnt get to go out. if he was to soil his pants out of laziness i would tell him no cigarettes for a day or i wont take him out or something that is a pleasure not a nessisity has to be held back. I know its demeaning but if they have the ability and are taking advantage that we will take care of the mess then they must be treated like children.

My mom is only 84 and I thank God for depends. I purchased a plastic mattress cover to eliminate any accidents. I would rather change the diaper than get upset. Her feelings get hurt and she becomes belligerent if I insist, so please don't try to convince her to go to the bathroom. One of the things I do is to put a pair of her panties on top of the depend as she feels more comfortable with her panties on and there is less leakage. The only thing that I find is that her panties end up in the garbage as well. Because this is a normal faze in the progression of the disease, I don't get grossed out anymore. I just treat her with as much respect as I can and walk away cussing under my breath. It is a true venting and then I let it go, works wonderfully. I have to take out the garbage daily. I also find pads all over the house. So what, pick then up and continue on, she has no idea what she is doing. The only issue that I have at present is that she has a tendency to take off her underwear and pants and wash herself at the kitchen sink. My husband came into the room as I was pulling her pants up and directing her to the bathroom. Was funny because my husband is a dream, he just shrugged it off and walked away. Try to look at any situation from the funny side of the coin. Frustration drops when you can see the humor in the situation. She makes two cups of tea and when I ask her why she replies with, This one is for your friend. I said what friend, she replied with oh, I thought you had a friend. Enjoy your parent, you don't know how long they are going to be around. Vickie

At age 90, be glad that she is still able to function and urinate. Be happy with the situation you've got. Just change the diaper frequently and don't fuss about it.

Has this gotten worse recently? If so perhaps she has a bladder or kidney infection. If you can get her checked for that it would be a good idea. If she cannot control it, there is not much you can do. It is possible that she has just lost the sensation of having to go. You could try taking her to the bathroom frequently like you would do with a child, if that does not work. Keep her clean and try not to get upset.

If possible, take your mom to the bathroom or get a porta potty and put it in a corner in her room to use. Take her every 2 hours until she gets accustomed to the new potty right near her. You may be able to alleviate the long walk to the bathroom, but also re-train her to go on the portable chair. She will eventually need this as her walking declines. If she wont pee in the porta potty, maybe you can get a routine put her on for a bowel movement. That's what we are doing with my mom. We give her stool softener and prune juice the night before and in the morning put her on the porta potty. Most of the time we are successful. but sometimes she doesn't realize she is on a toilet and we have to instruct her. If your mom remains in diapers and resists, you can still bring her on a regular basis to the potty and maybe she'll go some of the time. Some long term memory can be recalled. Make sure her skin is well protected with A an D ointment,or some skin protectant to keep her skin from getting irritated. Also, change the diaper often. Don't want urinary tract infections. I also bought the super plus serviettes sold at Target, or drug stores that Poise makes to catch the urine(place it inside the diaper) so we don't have accidents, especially at night. Just change often.
Good Luck.
HW

Certainly try to encourgae it, but it is what it is, as Bobbie says. Both my parents are wearing diapers. I had to buy a diaper pail cause the smell in the basthroom permiated their small home. (I try to encourage the word "depends" to save any tiny bit of dignity they have left.) My dad will wear his until it leaks so when he gets in my car, he generally smells like urine, but he can't smell anymore. I still can!!!! Gross!! Yup, see ya on the Grossed Thread, Puzzled! So much fun!!