Puzzled Asked February 2011

How do I deal with my 90-year-old mother who prefers to urinate in diaper rather than go to bathroom? I now have to insist she go to bathroom!

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EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack Feb 2011
It's "easier" for her, so she just does it. Most good nursing homes try to keep people out of pads as much as possible, and take them to the bathroom. But it's not unusual for the elder to grow tired of the trips to the bathroom, so many have to be encouraged along. You aren't alone, though this may not get easier.
Carol
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bobbie321 Feb 2011
This is the way it is. There is no insisting or demanding. If they are wearing diapers, they are going to pee in them. Hate to be the bearer of unwelcome news but you just change the diaper. It's a diaper.
Your mother has Dementia, yes?
then all bets are off and you will see stuff you'd rather not.
It just is.
sorry.
Hang out with us on the Grossed out Thread because that's why we're grossed out! There's also a wealth of info there offered by seasoned caregivers.
We vent and gripe because at the end of the day that's all you can do!
Good luck and be good to yourself!
lovbob
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coolbuss Feb 2011
Well...after reading all these answers I have decided to quit taking my dad to the bathroom every 2 hours or so even with depends. He is 97, frail and it wears him out going. Maybe I nees to chill and change him less. Morning, naptime 3 pm and bedtime. Maybe that is enough? I buy diapers that hold a quart! I may start putting a wet proof pad in chairs. Coolbuss
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Kitty Feb 2011
Just as I do not believe in punishing a child for accidents because they are learning, I do not believe in punishing an adult who has limited abilities, energy, or mental capacities.
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linda09 Feb 2011
yep that is the way it is . my dad is 87 yrs old and he goes in his briefs alot . once in a great while he ll say i have to go pee and well by time we get to bathroom his brief is wet and plus he did pee in the toilet .
dont get mad or upset cuz it does hurts thier feelings and its embarassment to them , just change it and put another brief on em and theyre happy camper all nice and dry . my dad always thank me when i change him ,
they cant help it theyre like a 2 yrs old , do it in diapers or do it in toliet , which ever way it goes , xoxo
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Certainly try to encourgae it, but it is what it is, as Bobbie says. Both my parents are wearing diapers. I had to buy a diaper pail cause the smell in the basthroom permiated their small home. (I try to encourage the word "depends" to save any tiny bit of dignity they have left.) My dad will wear his until it leaks so when he gets in my car, he generally smells like urine, but he can't smell anymore. I still can!!!! Gross!! Yup, see ya on the Grossed Thread, Puzzled! So much fun!!
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vickie02 Feb 2011
My mom is only 84 and I thank God for depends. I purchased a plastic mattress cover to eliminate any accidents. I would rather change the diaper than get upset. Her feelings get hurt and she becomes belligerent if I insist, so please don't try to convince her to go to the bathroom. One of the things I do is to put a pair of her panties on top of the depend as she feels more comfortable with her panties on and there is less leakage. The only thing that I find is that her panties end up in the garbage as well. Because this is a normal faze in the progression of the disease, I don't get grossed out anymore. I just treat her with as much respect as I can and walk away cussing under my breath. It is a true venting and then I let it go, works wonderfully. I have to take out the garbage daily. I also find pads all over the house. So what, pick then up and continue on, she has no idea what she is doing. The only issue that I have at present is that she has a tendency to take off her underwear and pants and wash herself at the kitchen sink. My husband came into the room as I was pulling her pants up and directing her to the bathroom. Was funny because my husband is a dream, he just shrugged it off and walked away. Try to look at any situation from the funny side of the coin. Frustration drops when you can see the humor in the situation. She makes two cups of tea and when I ask her why she replies with, This one is for your friend. I said what friend, she replied with oh, I thought you had a friend. Enjoy your parent, you don't know how long they are going to be around. Vickie
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PT, Check and change more. Use a moisture barrier. And there is a foam cleaner cleaner for cleaning the bottom. Depends keep the wearer from the embarrassment of their accident becoming apparent. Changing, cleaning and a moisture barrier are a necessary job of the caregiver....Good Luck
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ohdear Aug 2014
I work with the elderly and under state laws to demean or punish anyone is abuse. What you have described comes under emotional abuse. If your dad was under my care in a facility and I acted as you have, I would be fired and reported to the state who would most likely revoke my certification.
I know you are doing the best you can. You must know your limitations. Sometimes loved ones at home come to a point where the best thing for your loved one is to place them in a facility. Sometimes at home is not always the best place. Emotions get in the way and a lot of caregivers will not place their loved ones in a facility. This causes much detremint to both caregiver and their loved one.
First thing is your father is not a child. Children's minds are growing and learning. Your father's mental status is declining as he ages. You have a big responsibility on your hands without the know how and tools. Knowledge will empower you. I suggest you go so far as to pose as a new CNA and join a forum where you can ask questions about the behaviors of your "client. " Do an online search so you can begin to better understand the ageing process. Find out if your father has dementia or has Alzheimers disease and educate yourself to how it may affect your loved one. Know if your dad is taking any meds that could cause confusion. Is he on a diuretic that is contributing to his being more incontinent at times ? Look into a homecare provider to give yourself a break and or an adult day care program. You must especially take extra good care of yourself to deal with the stress level of being a caretaker. Even though I bring none of my residents home with me I do things to deal with the stress of taking care of the seniors I have at work. I take care of many people at one time and I want to give them the best of me. Being punitive is never accecptable. Keep on this forum. The majority of caregivers on here are amazing caring people for you to learn from.I have learned things here also. They are not in a facility and thus are a very creative bunch in finding very excellent solutions to the problems they face. I thank them for this. I keep stepping out of my box and coming here because so much I have been able to use at work. I am so happy to add to the comfort of the loved ones of others. Know that an overwhelming majority of us health care workers are very dedicated.
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jeannegibbs Jul 2014
Sandy1951, I know that you posted about a year ago that you were having severe difficulties with your mother who has dementia and lives with you. Did you take her to a neurologist for possible medications? Did they help at all? Have you gotten any respite care so you can get away for a while? Dementia is a progressive disease. Has it progressed to the point where both you and your mother would be better off if she were in a care center with three shifts of workers?
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