How to deal with 12 yr old granddaughter who won’t come to our house since my 96 yr old mom with dementia moved in?

You can't support both sides. That's an impossible task.

What is the reason that granddaughter doesn't want to come to your house once your mom lives there? Is there a backstory as to why? I understand the autism and anxiety because I have autistic family members myself. But there are meds that might help if it's just the autism and anxiety that's the issue. If she's frightened by sounds your mom makes or other dementia behavior, or if mom has ever been aggressive toward anyone, by no means should your granddaughter visit. She should be reassured that it's okay to stay away. Or is she just being a spoiled brat, or want you all to herself?

I can't agree that you should bring mom to your house in the first place. That decision is already tearing up your family; what if mom lives another 5 years? I know a 106-year-old dementia patient, have known a 110 year-old. Care for these people is simply not doable in a home setting for long or even short no matter how much you love mom. Please try to find another safe place for mom. Maybe a small affordable group home? If you think your sanity is at stake now, just wait. OMG x 1000. Stock up on Zoloft.

Your mom should NOT be moved into your house for many reasons not including your granddaughter, as caring for someone with dementia is very difficult and truly takes a team to provide the 24/7 care she now requires.
Who will be your moms team, besides you and perhaps your husband? Are you prepared to not get any sleep as your mom is perhaps wandering all night or has to get up tp pee every hour, or has pooped in her diaper and needs to be cleaned up at 2:00 a.m.?
You may not realize it yet, but you are biting off WAY more than you can chew right now, and it will be not only you and your husband suffering from your decision but your granddaughter will suffer also, as she won't be able to go to grandmas house where she once felt safe , but now doesn't. That's truly not fair to her, as her needs should come before your moms.
If there are no close by facilities that take Medi-Cal, then your mom will have to be placed in a facility hours away and you and your husband can go visit when you are able.
And of course you should not spend one penny of your money on your moms care as you will need your own money for your own care as you age.
At 96, your mom has had her life, but your 12 yr. old granddaughter is just getting started with hers and it's now more important that you be there for her to create those special memories, before you leave this world for the next.
And I know because I'm a grandmother too, that you do not want to leave this world with any regrets pertaining to your children and grandchildren, as they are way more important than any parent.
So don't forget that and make sure that you truly have your priorities in order...self, spouse, marriage, children, grandchildren, and then perhaps you can add a parent.
I do hope that you will really think long and hard before you move your mom in with you as sadly I do believe that you will live to regret it.

The Mom is prioritizing her autistic daughter over your Mom and this is appropriate since this girl is less able to work through interacting with a cognitively impaired person.

Ditto to everything funkygrandma59 replied to you. I know it's hard... everything about dementia is hard.

May you gain wisdom and peace in your heart as you work out solutions.

It doesn't have to be either or, you can still have a relationship with your granddaughter on her terms - visit at their house or in a neutral location like a park or restaurant (you need scheduled breaks from caregiving too). Perhaps over time she'll overcome her fear of your mother or she may not, but applying any kind of pressure tactics almost guarantees she'll resist harder.

You will have to find other ways to visit your granddaughter . She should not come to your house so long as your mother is there, imo .
Your daughter in law has every right to not bring her daughter near your mother . Obviously it’s too upsetting for your granddaughter .

I’d start looking for a memory care facility now that will take “ very active “ Mom , even if it’s further away . Keep your sanity . Your sanity is in danger by bringing Mom into your home . Mom’s dementia is the disruption in your life . Your daughter in law’s opinion is not what’s going to break your sanity .

I would think for a 12 year old Dementia is scary.

I don't see why Mom can't be placed in a nice LTC facility on Medicaid.

As the mom of a young adult daughter with Autism, I can relate to her decision.

Let me break it down like this. You are bringing your mother, who has dementia, to live in your home. Your mother, if she isn't already, is going to experience any number of cognitive changes. She may not sleep, she may not know who people are, she may be a flight risk, she may not like certain temperatures, sounds textures, fabrics, foods etc. She will have no control over this. You as her caregiver have to focus your entire energy on her when you are present.

Your 12-year-old granddaughter is on the Autism spectrum. You don't mention where she falls on the spectrum, so I'm going to approach this very generically (my daughter for the record, is on the higher functions end of the spectrum, and often people don't even realize that she is on the spectrum at all unless she is very overstimulated or extremely stressed)

However, when my daughter does exhibit her indicators - many of the things I listed above are also a problem for her. Sensory issues, need for quiet to reset, temperatures, textures, etc can all be a problem even on a good day. And even as an adult - if she gets to the Point of No Return.....either stressed or overstimulated - then we go into meltdown mode. And it takes time for her to reset to her "normal". She has no control over this.

When you are caregiving for your mother - in your home- and your granddaughter visits - I would imagine that you can't focus your full attention on either of them? Or possibly your granddaughter may not get your full attention because your attention is divided? 12 is a very hard age for a girl to begin with (my mom swears 12 for girls and 15 for boys lol, but I've only had girls, but I concur 12 is hard for girls). She's got hormonal changes on top of the extra needs. There are any number of things that might overstimulate your granddaughter AND your mother.

When you visit your granddaughter in her home (where SHE feels most comfortable) are you going without your mom? Will that continue? Or will you have to take her with you?

The thing about being a caregiver is you need some balance right? I know you said that you cannot afford the $75,000 for ALF. But can she afford a companion for respite care once or twice a week for a few hours - at which time you could do anything you needed to, including visiting your granddaughter?

You say you think they are upset about the decision to move your mother in. And maybe they are. But that's your choice (provided you don't expect any assistance from them). But your DIL also has a choice to make with regard to situations that can potentially overstimulate or stress her daughter out. While your priority is caring for your mother, her's is caring for her daughter. You don't mention your son, but I'm assuming he is on board with her not visiting your home as well?

You made an interesting statement "we just found out she will not come our house once my mom moves in - my dil also doesn’t support bringing my mom into our household - she feels granddaughter’s needs come first." I hope that you can separate those statements. Even if DIL doesn't support the choice, it's not up to her. BUT....what IS up to her is whether she chooses to expose her daughter to the situation knowing the potential outcomes. For your DIL and son...their daughter's needs DO come first.

Why would your DIL support a decision that directly affects her autistic daughter who's also suffering from anxiety?? Do you not realize that autistic children have special needs that aren't always in line with OUR decisions, causing us to change OUR ways of doing things??

You do not "need" to move your 96 yo mother with dementia into your home. You've chosen to do so with an excuse of her being "much too active".....at 96.....to be placed in a SNF. Unless she's running marathons, your mother is not "much too active" at all to be with her peers in a SNF where activities are available for everyone. More activities, I guarantee you, than are available in your home, and more socialization as well.

It is your DILs primary responsibility to keep her daughter safe and free from fear and unnecessary anxiety at all costs. So instead of being upset, I suggest you learn about autism AND dementia because you are clearly unprepared for what lies ahead. Trust me on that.

Good luck with the monumental task in front of you.

I think it would be wise for your granddaughter and your mother not to interact for long periods of time together. The 12 year old should not be allowed to dictate who goes where regardless of her disabilities. She is going to have to learn coping mechanisms because the world is not going to cater to her whether she has autism or not. Your daughter needs to learn this. So if mom (your daughter) says we're going to visit grandma (you) then your granddaughter is going. Maybe that visit will only be ten or 15 minutes, but it will be good for her. Like I said, she's only 12 so she's going to have to learn that the world is not going to cater to her. The sooner she learns coping mechanisms, the better.

I agree with your daughter that your granddaughter’s issues should be prioritized. It’s easy to say she needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her, but I don’t think she will ever be capable of the understanding that . Her brain is broken, just like a person’s brain who is afflicted with dementia.

I would suggest getting help in when your granddaughter visits. Keep your mother in a separate area of your house. Hopefully you can make this arrangement work or find another that does. It really might be best to place her in a nursing home at this point.

I have to agree with your dil. Please look for other options for your 96 yr old mom. I think if you move her into your home you may find you have bitten off more than you can comfortably chew. We see it here again and again. Look for facilities that will take medicaid. Your mom has dementia and will decline.

I perfectly understand that a parent of a child with autism wants to protect her from things that are difficult for her to process. Also the parent is the one that has to deal with the aftermath.

96 yo demented grandma and 12 yo autistic granddaughter are not a workable mix.

Visit the granddaughter somewhere else. Where she feels at ease eg her home, a park, cafe, the library etc.

I would do same as DIL. Why casue un-needed stress for both G'ma & G'daughter?

I avoided high-risk melt-down locations where possible for my kids when younger (too bright, too noisy, too crowded). So did my parents (as they disliked those too). My in-law side learnt more slowly.. suffered the melt-downs on many occassions.

My kids, now grown, can self-regulate & go most anywhere.

I would keep in mind the relationship you want to have with your Granddaughter.

YOU don't pay the cost of assisted living! Your mother can apply for Medicaid if her money has run out, and live in a facility which accepts Medicaid. It's Medi-Cal in California.
I would agree the child's needs are more important right now.

And, I would strongly advise against bringing your mother in to your home and becoming her full time caregiver! How advanced is her dementia? Would you be moving her in with you as a housemate, and expect her to be independent?
Is the plan to move her to a care home when she needs more help?
That can be a slippery slope. The changes can be gradual and you don't recognize how great her needs have become until you are burned out, or it kills you. She's 96 - How old are you? She could live like this another 10 years.
You need to make a plan that takes your health and well-being into account.

I found it difficult to accurately explain my situation with my mom and family in a forum but please believe me there were no other options other than placing my mom in a substandard SNF. Mom will go to the senior center 3 hrs/day 4 x week and has a cg to take her on rides every Friday. This was not a lightly made decision and we plan to go see our granddaughter at least 2 x month at her place - without mom. I signed mom up for Medi Cal (CA) but she has substantial SOC. there are NO small residential care homes who accept Medi/medi so the cost has been $75K. There are NO SNF in our area that have openings esp with Medi Cal with SOC. She now is self toileting, using walker, can hold small conversation etc. I will not forsake my granddaughter but nor will I send my mother to a SNF miles away if I can't keep an eye on her. This is what I wanted to say. Also, to all of you who were abrupt, rude and hurtful in their answers, shame on you. I will not access this forum again d/t the rudeness and lack of empathy I felt from so many - you could have at least asked for more info - thank you to those who did ask and suggest solutions. Old lives matter.

@burntcaregiver - I'm struggling a little with the implication that protecting a 12-year-old is setting them up for failure. We don't even know just where on the spectrum this child falls. My daughter is very high functioning (Level 1) and I agree that we shouldn't be enabling her not to participate in society. But Autism is a recognized disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act. For the rest of my daughter's life she will qualify for reasonable accommodations even from her workplaces that are protected by a Federal law. And depending on how things go, she may need support to live on her own. And may even qualify for disability.

If OP's granddaughter is one of the children who is considered Level 3 or even Level 2, she may never communicate, may never be able to go out into the world and even deal with the stimulation and react appropriately.

This isn't about the child getting her own way. Or catering to her wants and demands. In many ways, children with autism are like the elderly with dementia - there are a great number of things they literally cannot control or help. There are special schools and therapies for children on the spectrum because they cannot function in certain environments. I do not consider limiting the exposure to those environments catering to the child when every parent of children on the spectrum knows that it is better than the alternative.

As far as a baptism by fire, maybe. Or maybe the world is evolving to understand that people with additional needs can do many things as long as people are willing to be aware of their limitations and accommodate them appropriately.

That is such a hard place to be — trying to honor your mom’s needs while also wanting to keep peace with your granddaughter and family. I can hear how torn you feel. Both sides truly matter here. Your mom deserves safety and care, and your granddaughter deserves to feel comfortable and secure. Maybe instead of seeing it as either/or, you could look for creative ways to bridge the gap — like making sure visits with your granddaughter happen outside the house for now, or slowly introducing her to your mom in very short, calm settings. Sometimes it’s about small steps rather than expecting everyone to adjust overnight. Don’t forget your own sanity matters too — it’s okay to set boundaries, ask for help, and admit this is a heavy load. You’re not alone in feeling sandwiched.

You cannot be responsible for the happiness of others, nor for their choices. Stop trying to be. You have made the decision about your mother. And your DIL and grandchild have made their own choices. You will have to live with them. Fretting won't help anything.

Acceptance on both sides is a good place to start. It’s a shame you don’t have your dil support but you don’t need it. She may not support you but will have to accept your decision. This is your mother and you are honoring her by taking care of her. That is your priority right now. Your dil priority is her daughter and raising her child.
Visits with the granddaughter will change and you have offered to compromise and visit them. Take it day by day and plan ahead best you can based on your mothers needs. My mother has dementia also with short term memory. She needs assistance with things and stays home but is still active moving around the house and I have adapted to her needs as they arise.
Each dementia patient is different.
Enjoy the time you can schedule and go see your granddaughter and family 💜
Respect your dil wishes while maintaining your relationships with them .
Both of you are navigating caregiving , give yourself some grace .