How to deal with 12 yr old granddaughter who won’t come to our house since my 96 yr old mom with dementia moved in?

Your mom should NOT be moved into your house for many reasons not including your granddaughter, as caring for someone with dementia is very difficult and truly takes a team to provide the 24/7 care she now requires.
Who will be your moms team, besides you and perhaps your husband? Are you prepared to not get any sleep as your mom is perhaps wandering all night or has to get up tp pee every hour, or has pooped in her diaper and needs to be cleaned up at 2:00 a.m.?
You may not realize it yet, but you are biting off WAY more than you can chew right now, and it will be not only you and your husband suffering from your decision but your granddaughter will suffer also, as she won't be able to go to grandmas house where she once felt safe , but now doesn't. That's truly not fair to her, as her needs should come before your moms.
If there are no close by facilities that take Medi-Cal, then your mom will have to be placed in a facility hours away and you and your husband can go visit when you are able.
And of course you should not spend one penny of your money on your moms care as you will need your own money for your own care as you age.
At 96, your mom has had her life, but your 12 yr. old granddaughter is just getting started with hers and it's now more important that you be there for her to create those special memories, before you leave this world for the next.
And I know because I'm a grandmother too, that you do not want to leave this world with any regrets pertaining to your children and grandchildren, as they are way more important than any parent.
So don't forget that and make sure that you truly have your priorities in order...self, spouse, marriage, children, grandchildren, and then perhaps you can add a parent.
I do hope that you will really think long and hard before you move your mom in with you as sadly I do believe that you will live to regret it.

You can't support both sides. That's an impossible task.

What is the reason that granddaughter doesn't want to come to your house once your mom lives there? Is there a backstory as to why? I understand the autism and anxiety because I have autistic family members myself. But there are meds that might help if it's just the autism and anxiety that's the issue. If she's frightened by sounds your mom makes or other dementia behavior, or if mom has ever been aggressive toward anyone, by no means should your granddaughter visit. She should be reassured that it's okay to stay away. Or is she just being a spoiled brat, or want you all to herself?

I can't agree that you should bring mom to your house in the first place. That decision is already tearing up your family; what if mom lives another 5 years? I know a 106-year-old dementia patient, have known a 110 year-old. Care for these people is simply not doable in a home setting for long or even short no matter how much you love mom. Please try to find another safe place for mom. Maybe a small affordable group home? If you think your sanity is at stake now, just wait. OMG x 1000. Stock up on Zoloft.

Why would your DIL support a decision that directly affects her autistic daughter who's also suffering from anxiety?? Do you not realize that autistic children have special needs that aren't always in line with OUR decisions, causing us to change OUR ways of doing things??

You do not "need" to move your 96 yo mother with dementia into your home. You've chosen to do so with an excuse of her being "much too active".....at 96.....to be placed in a SNF. Unless she's running marathons, your mother is not "much too active" at all to be with her peers in a SNF where activities are available for everyone. More activities, I guarantee you, than are available in your home, and more socialization as well.

It is your DILs primary responsibility to keep her daughter safe and free from fear and unnecessary anxiety at all costs. So instead of being upset, I suggest you learn about autism AND dementia because you are clearly unprepared for what lies ahead. Trust me on that.

Good luck with the monumental task in front of you.

The Mom is prioritizing her autistic daughter over your Mom and this is appropriate since this girl is less able to work through interacting with a cognitively impaired person.

Ditto to everything funkygrandma59 replied to you. I know it's hard... everything about dementia is hard.

May you gain wisdom and peace in your heart as you work out solutions.

As the mom of a young adult daughter with Autism, I can relate to her decision.

Let me break it down like this. You are bringing your mother, who has dementia, to live in your home. Your mother, if she isn't already, is going to experience any number of cognitive changes. She may not sleep, she may not know who people are, she may be a flight risk, she may not like certain temperatures, sounds textures, fabrics, foods etc. She will have no control over this. You as her caregiver have to focus your entire energy on her when you are present.

Your 12-year-old granddaughter is on the Autism spectrum. You don't mention where she falls on the spectrum, so I'm going to approach this very generically (my daughter for the record, is on the higher functions end of the spectrum, and often people don't even realize that she is on the spectrum at all unless she is very overstimulated or extremely stressed)

However, when my daughter does exhibit her indicators - many of the things I listed above are also a problem for her. Sensory issues, need for quiet to reset, temperatures, textures, etc can all be a problem even on a good day. And even as an adult - if she gets to the Point of No Return.....either stressed or overstimulated - then we go into meltdown mode. And it takes time for her to reset to her "normal". She has no control over this.

When you are caregiving for your mother - in your home- and your granddaughter visits - I would imagine that you can't focus your full attention on either of them? Or possibly your granddaughter may not get your full attention because your attention is divided? 12 is a very hard age for a girl to begin with (my mom swears 12 for girls and 15 for boys lol, but I've only had girls, but I concur 12 is hard for girls). She's got hormonal changes on top of the extra needs. There are any number of things that might overstimulate your granddaughter AND your mother.

When you visit your granddaughter in her home (where SHE feels most comfortable) are you going without your mom? Will that continue? Or will you have to take her with you?

The thing about being a caregiver is you need some balance right? I know you said that you cannot afford the $75,000 for ALF. But can she afford a companion for respite care once or twice a week for a few hours - at which time you could do anything you needed to, including visiting your granddaughter?

You say you think they are upset about the decision to move your mother in. And maybe they are. But that's your choice (provided you don't expect any assistance from them). But your DIL also has a choice to make with regard to situations that can potentially overstimulate or stress her daughter out. While your priority is caring for your mother, her's is caring for her daughter. You don't mention your son, but I'm assuming he is on board with her not visiting your home as well?

You made an interesting statement "we just found out she will not come our house once my mom moves in - my dil also doesn’t support bringing my mom into our household - she feels granddaughter’s needs come first." I hope that you can separate those statements. Even if DIL doesn't support the choice, it's not up to her. BUT....what IS up to her is whether she chooses to expose her daughter to the situation knowing the potential outcomes. For your DIL and son...their daughter's needs DO come first.

I have to agree with your dil. Please look for other options for your 96 yr old mom. I think if you move her into your home you may find you have bitten off more than you can comfortably chew. We see it here again and again. Look for facilities that will take medicaid. Your mom has dementia and will decline.

I perfectly understand that a parent of a child with autism wants to protect her from things that are difficult for her to process. Also the parent is the one that has to deal with the aftermath.

96 yo demented grandma and 12 yo autistic granddaughter are not a workable mix.

Visit the granddaughter somewhere else. Where she feels at ease eg her home, a park, cafe, the library etc.

I would do same as DIL. Why casue un-needed stress for both G'ma & G'daughter?

I avoided high-risk melt-down locations where possible for my kids when younger (too bright, too noisy, too crowded). So did my parents (as they disliked those too). My in-law side learnt more slowly.. suffered the melt-downs on many occassions.

My kids, now grown, can self-regulate & go most anywhere.

I would keep in mind the relationship you want to have with your Granddaughter.

You will have to find other ways to visit your granddaughter . She should not come to your house so long as your mother is there, imo .
Your daughter in law has every right to not bring her daughter near your mother . Obviously it’s too upsetting for your granddaughter .

I’d start looking for a memory care facility now that will take “ very active “ Mom , even if it’s further away . Keep your sanity . Your sanity is in danger by bringing Mom into your home . Mom’s dementia is the disruption in your life . Your daughter in law’s opinion is not what’s going to break your sanity .

I would think for a 12 year old Dementia is scary.

I don't see why Mom can't be placed in a nice LTC facility on Medicaid.

I think it would be wise for your granddaughter and your mother not to interact for long periods of time together. The 12 year old should not be allowed to dictate who goes where regardless of her disabilities. She is going to have to learn coping mechanisms because the world is not going to cater to her whether she has autism or not. Your daughter needs to learn this. So if mom (your daughter) says we're going to visit grandma (you) then your granddaughter is going. Maybe that visit will only be ten or 15 minutes, but it will be good for her. Like I said, she's only 12 so she's going to have to learn that the world is not going to cater to her. The sooner she learns coping mechanisms, the better.