My mom was sent to hospice on Wednesday night. She's already at the stage where she's unconscious and her breathing is erratic. I know it's only been one full day, but I am so tired. I kind of wish it would just happen quickly because it's just really hard to see her like this. But then on the other hand I don't want her to be gone either.
I just don't know how people do this and don't lose their minds. I have family, but they're out of town. I had someone come and sit with me yesterday — one of my aunts-in-law. That was good, but I just feel like I'm going through this alone and I don't really have anybody to talk to. I guess I just need some tips on how to get through this part.
There is no pain for her during the Cheyne-Stokes breathing pattern. It sounds terrible to listen to, but her body is not in pain. Google it. Watch hospice Nurse Julie videos which are beautiful and comforting. Mom's already gone, it's just her body shutting down now. My mother would hiccup SO loudly during her final hours, I thought I'd have a heart attack on the spot. I stayed with her as long as I could, but left a few hours before she passed. I did not want my final memory of her to be an ugly one. I did the same with dad. I don't regret it. I went back to the AL when the nurse called me that they'd passed. I sat with their bodies for awhile, saying my goodbyes and crying, but also feeling relieved they were with God and out of pain.
I know how hard this is. There is no right or wrong way to do any of this. Remember that your emotional state matters too. Be kind to yourself and know that you're really NOT alone. Mom is with you and loving you thru your pain and suffering. God bless you.
I stayed with my mum much of the day and all through the night, expecting her to die at any moment. It was different with her; I felt comforted by singing hymns and talking to her. I finally went home for some sleep when Mum's breathing seemed calmer, mid morning. She died a few hours later, with my brother there holding her hand. I'm not sure I believe it, but I tell myself she was waiting for him.
I thought I couldn't bear to experience the moment when there isn't another breath following the last exhalation. Yet, I was so sorry not to be there for Mum's. I felt I needed to feel the importance of the moment, the magnitude of the loss.
Every death is different. We often react to the loss differently as well. Death itself isn't something to be scared of, although fear of the unknown is universal. You can't know how you'll feel until you experience that profound loss.
Although, perhaps not even then - it might hit you at a later time.
Be kind to yourself, whatever happens.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is indeed a rough road. Hospice provides a chaplain as well as a social worker. The chaplain will provide you with spiritual solace, and can come to pray with you as often as you need. The social worker can let you know of other resources available. The Hospice nurses will give you information on the dying process and what to expect.
Your mental health is important. Some folks are not comfortable with being there while their loved one is in the dying process. That's okay. Make sure the Hospice nurses are meeting your mom's comfort needs, and go home for a while. Have the nurse call if your Mom wakes or asks for you, so you can go there.
Again, It's Okay to not be there all the time. It does NOT mean that you love her less. You are human. You do what you can. Don't judge yourself harshly.
I hope you find peace.
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