My mom was sent to hospice on Wednesday night. She's already at the stage where she's unconscious and her breathing is erratic. I know it's only been one full day, but I am so tired. I kind of wish it would just happen quickly because it's just really hard to see her like this. But then on the other hand I don't want her to be gone either.
I just don't know how people do this and don't lose their minds. I have family, but they're out of town. I had someone come and sit with me yesterday — one of my aunts-in-law. That was good, but I just feel like I'm going through this alone and I don't really have anybody to talk to. I guess I just need some tips on how to get through this part.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is indeed a rough road. Hospice provides a chaplain as well as a social worker. The chaplain will provide you with spiritual solace, and can come to pray with you as often as you need. The social worker can let you know of other resources available. The Hospice nurses will give you information on the dying process and what to expect.
Your mental health is important. Some folks are not comfortable with being there while their loved one is in the dying process. That's okay. Make sure the Hospice nurses are meeting your mom's comfort needs, and go home for a while. Have the nurse call if your Mom wakes or asks for you, so you can go there.
Again, It's Okay to not be there all the time. It does NOT mean that you love her less. You are human. You do what you can. Don't judge yourself harshly.
I hope you find peace.
I stayed with my mum much of the day and all through the night, expecting her to die at any moment. It was different with her; I felt comforted by singing hymns and talking to her. I finally went home for some sleep when Mum's breathing seemed calmer, mid morning. She died a few hours later, with my brother there holding her hand. I'm not sure I believe it, but I tell myself she was waiting for him.
I thought I couldn't bear to experience the moment when there isn't another breath following the last exhalation. Yet, I was so sorry not to be there for Mum's. I felt I needed to feel the importance of the moment, the magnitude of the loss.
Every death is different. We often react to the loss differently as well. Death itself isn't something to be scared of, although fear of the unknown is universal. You can't know how you'll feel until you experience that profound loss.
Although, perhaps not even then - it might hit you at a later time.
Be kind to yourself, whatever happens.
My mother died many years ago and i basically with family were on bed duty so that she was never alone. It is very hard. You need support. If your relatives arent in town they are on the phone and should be supporting you via phone calls. If they havent thought of it - speak to them. "hey - i'm having a really hard time coping with mum in the hospice can i reach out to you for a chat sort of thing? You can also speak to your doctor or the hospice should provide it really - counselling and support, Speak to them asap.You must have support - Must!
My mother died 2 months ago at age 100, it was time and it was a relief to my brother & I, she is at peace and so are we.
Accept what you cannot change, she will now be at peace no more pain or unhappiness.
I am sorry that you are in turmoil, perhaps some therapy is in order for you.
Yes, you will be tired, but there will be time to rest later. Once she is gone, there will be arrangements to make, phone calls to make, this whole experience will be exhausting and emotionally draining.
You say your family is out of town. Schedule a time at the end of your day to have a good, long phone call or video call with your best support person - whether that is a spouse, sister, best friend. But, don't exhaust yourself or others with constant talk of how hard this is. Don't repeat the same information to everyone. Have your one support person in place, vent, get it all out, then remember to find some joy, something to laugh about before you hang up.
If you need to update others, tell one person, and have them pass it on.
You will get through this. And life will go on. Make these last precious moments count while you can.
I talked to one of Mom's caregivers for an hour another day.
Can you get the aunt in law back to sit with you?
Any neighbors to sit with you?
At first we didn't know what to do with ourselves. We just sat with her listening to the monitors and her ragged breathing, watching the nurses come and go, waiting for her to pass. After a day of that, we kind of needed a distraction, so we started watching TV shows and movies that she liked. We started talking, telling stories, etc. It started to seem like it was just a family get together happening even though the reality of the situation was always there. I like to think that she held on so that she could see that we would be okay. My mom passed on the fifth night at midnight at the end of one of her favorite shows, The David Letterman Show. She literally took her last breath as he was signing off for the night. It was like her way of saying good bye, I guess. A big send off.
And don't be surprised if she passes the minute you leave the room or fall asleep. I've read that is common as well in these situations.
There is no pain for her during the Cheyne-Stokes breathing pattern. It sounds terrible to listen to, but her body is not in pain. Google it. Watch hospice Nurse Julie videos which are beautiful and comforting. Mom's already gone, it's just her body shutting down now. My mother would hiccup SO loudly during her final hours, I thought I'd have a heart attack on the spot. I stayed with her as long as I could, but left a few hours before she passed. I did not want my final memory of her to be an ugly one. I did the same with dad. I don't regret it. I went back to the AL when the nurse called me that they'd passed. I sat with their bodies for awhile, saying my goodbyes and crying, but also feeling relieved they were with God and out of pain.
I know how hard this is. There is no right or wrong way to do any of this. Remember that your emotional state matters too. Be kind to yourself and know that you're really NOT alone. Mom is with you and loving you thru your pain and suffering. God bless you.