Follow
Share

My mom was sent to hospice on Wednesday night. She's already at the stage where she's unconscious and her breathing is erratic. I know it's only been one full day, but I am so tired. I kind of wish it would just happen quickly because it's just really hard to see her like this. But then on the other hand I don't want her to be gone either.


I just don't know how people do this and don't lose their minds. I have family, but they're out of town. I had someone come and sit with me yesterday — one of my aunts-in-law. That was good, but I just feel like I'm going through this alone and I don't really have anybody to talk to. I guess I just need some tips on how to get through this part.

Find Care & Housing
Dear MissMary,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is indeed a rough road. Hospice provides a chaplain as well as a social worker. The chaplain will provide you with spiritual solace, and can come to pray with you as often as you need. The social worker can let you know of other resources available. The Hospice nurses will give you information on the dying process and what to expect.
Your mental health is important. Some folks are not comfortable with being there while their loved one is in the dying process. That's okay. Make sure the Hospice nurses are meeting your mom's comfort needs, and go home for a while. Have the nurse call if your Mom wakes or asks for you, so you can go there.
Again, It's Okay to not be there all the time. It does NOT mean that you love her less. You are human. You do what you can. Don't judge yourself harshly.
I hope you find peace.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JanPeck123
Report
MiaMoor Jun 30, 2025
This is a lovely, compassionate answer.
(0)
Report
Ask for 11th hour volunteers from hospice. They come and be with you through the end. They don’t give medication but are there and help support and clean up and call funeral home. Give the comfort medication in adequate doses to keep person comfortable. Sleep while others are there watching over. Ask for hospice nurses to come in final 12-24 hours to give medication because you need help and have no family support. They should do this. Ask for help. You deserve it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Beethoven13
Report

I am right there with you. My mom started hospice yesterday. She sleeps most of the time but when she's awake she can speak. Her eyes look so sad like she knows what's happening. She is in septic shock, but we don't know how long she'll be with us. We've only been dealing with this since last Saturday but I am mentally exhausted. I'm torn as well with wanting her to be at peace and not wanting her to pass. I have a sister but we just lost our brother in November and my hubby has stage 3 lung cancer. Some days it's just too much. I'll pray that both our moms find the peace they need, soon.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Peeps83
Report

I tried to stay by my dad's side until the end. I sat with him for 6 or 7 hours- I sang to him and talked to him - but it seemed to me that he had already gone. I was tired and felt that I needed to see my mum (even though I couldn't talk to her about her ex-husband, who I'm not sure she even remembered by that point). My dad died a few hours after I left his side.

I stayed with my mum much of the day and all through the night, expecting her to die at any moment. It was different with her; I felt comforted by singing hymns and talking to her. I finally went home for some sleep when Mum's breathing seemed calmer, mid morning. She died a few hours later, with my brother there holding her hand. I'm not sure I believe it, but I tell myself she was waiting for him.

I thought I couldn't bear to experience the moment when there isn't another breath following the last exhalation. Yet, I was so sorry not to be there for Mum's. I felt I needed to feel the importance of the moment, the magnitude of the loss.

Every death is different. We often react to the loss differently as well. Death itself isn't something to be scared of, although fear of the unknown is universal. You can't know how you'll feel until you experience that profound loss.
Although, perhaps not even then - it might hit you at a later time.

Be kind to yourself, whatever happens.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MiaMoor
Report

Get a therapist n hospice support group! Like STAT!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to FOTONUT
Report

Generally hospice's support both the patient and the family knowing you need prob help than the patient. Speak to the head there. Tell them what youve said here - you need support. Do so asap.
My mother died many years ago and i basically with family were on bed duty so that she was never alone. It is very hard. You need support. If your relatives arent in town they are on the phone and should be supporting you via phone calls. If they havent thought of it - speak to them. "hey - i'm having a really hard time coping with mum in the hospice can i reach out to you for a chat sort of thing? You can also speak to your doctor or the hospice should provide it really - counselling and support, Speak to them asap.You must have support - Must!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Jenny10
Report

This is the normal progression of life, we are all born to die. You too will be going through this.

My mother died 2 months ago at age 100, it was time and it was a relief to my brother & I, she is at peace and so are we.

Accept what you cannot change, she will now be at peace no more pain or unhappiness.

I am sorry that you are in turmoil, perhaps some therapy is in order for you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MeDolly
Report
FOTONUT Jun 26, 2025
Very beautifully stated!
(0)
Report
Take this time to say everything to her that you want to say. And to simply sit quietly by her side. Play some music she enjoys, read to her. Make the most of this time, it will be short.
Yes, you will be tired, but there will be time to rest later. Once she is gone, there will be arrangements to make, phone calls to make, this whole experience will be exhausting and emotionally draining.

You say your family is out of town. Schedule a time at the end of your day to have a good, long phone call or video call with your best support person - whether that is a spouse, sister, best friend. But, don't exhaust yourself or others with constant talk of how hard this is. Don't repeat the same information to everyone. Have your one support person in place, vent, get it all out, then remember to find some joy, something to laugh about before you hang up.
If you need to update others, tell one person, and have them pass it on.
You will get through this. And life will go on. Make these last precious moments count while you can.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

I talked to the social worker for an hour one day.

I talked to one of Mom's caregivers for an hour another day.

Can you get the aunt in law back to sit with you?

Any neighbors to sit with you?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to brandee
Report

Missmary031: Prayers forthcoming. I'm so sorry.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

My mom fell, and suffered a severe brain injury (she had been sick for awhile and only had a month or so more to live at that point anyway). We were told that she would pass when we took her off the machines. Instead she lasted five days without the machines.

At first we didn't know what to do with ourselves. We just sat with her listening to the monitors and her ragged breathing, watching the nurses come and go, waiting for her to pass. After a day of that, we kind of needed a distraction, so we started watching TV shows and movies that she liked. We started talking, telling stories, etc. It started to seem like it was just a family get together happening even though the reality of the situation was always there. I like to think that she held on so that she could see that we would be okay. My mom passed on the fifth night at midnight at the end of one of her favorite shows, The David Letterman Show. She literally took her last breath as he was signing off for the night. It was like her way of saying good bye, I guess. A big send off.

And don't be surprised if she passes the minute you leave the room or fall asleep. I've read that is common as well in these situations.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Elaine74
Report

Hospice has a social worker you can talk to . You Might want to speak with a psychiatrist . I had a Therapist . My way of coping with the stress was to get a Massage . Seriously after I Visited My brother I would get a Massage . It is Important to get support . Seek Out a Chaplain . I take courses at Upaya Zen center and Joan Halifax Has written Books On Death and Dying . There are Many Good Dharma Talks and Podcasts . Many Courses are free or by Donation . They Have a good course called GRACE That is coming Up . Frank Ostaseski Is a great teacher and worked In Hospice . Get yourself a Dog and go for walks . Death and dying Can be quite a isolating experience so Go talk to someone . You need a Hug .
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to KNance72
Report

Talk to mom. She's already on the other side watching you mourn and struggle, yet her suffering is over now. Let her know how you feel, how much you love her, and anything else you feel.

There is no pain for her during the Cheyne-Stokes breathing pattern. It sounds terrible to listen to, but her body is not in pain. Google it. Watch hospice Nurse Julie videos which are beautiful and comforting. Mom's already gone, it's just her body shutting down now. My mother would hiccup SO loudly during her final hours, I thought I'd have a heart attack on the spot. I stayed with her as long as I could, but left a few hours before she passed. I did not want my final memory of her to be an ugly one. I did the same with dad. I don't regret it. I went back to the AL when the nurse called me that they'd passed. I sat with their bodies for awhile, saying my goodbyes and crying, but also feeling relieved they were with God and out of pain.

I know how hard this is. There is no right or wrong way to do any of this. Remember that your emotional state matters too. Be kind to yourself and know that you're really NOT alone. Mom is with you and loving you thru your pain and suffering. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Sitting with the dying is a lonely road, one I’m sorry you’re traveling. I did it with my dad and watched most family and friends disappear toward the end. I don’t blame them at all, it’s impossibly hard to watch. Our wise hospice nurse told me the day before my dad died “you need to understand your dad is already gone, his body just hasn’t quite gotten the message yet” She said this as he was sleeping deeply, no longer responding to me. It proved correct. I was not there the moment my mom died and was there the moment my dad did. I came away firmly believing it doesn’t matter. Dying is a solo journey for us all. Though I was holding my dad’s hand I’m quite sure he was already somewhere else. Don’t go without rest trying to not miss the moment, protecting your own health is vital. It’s okay to not know exactly how to feel, wanting mom to go quickly is a kind thought for you both. You’re not wanting her to be gone, you’re wanting an end to pain, and that’s also a kind thought. Lean on the hospice staff for advice and counsel. Your mom is blessed to have your love and care. It’s hard to accept losing someone we love, knowing it’s the natural course of life for us all and accepting that is important. The memories of happier times will be a comfort to you in the days to come. I wish you rest and peace
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report
KNance72 Jun 20, 2025
Beautifully written
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
This is what Hospice is for. Take your concerns to them. They have Social Workers, Clergy and volunteers to help you, and can help you to seek support and counseling.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter