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Don't want to let mom know, only make her feel bad HELP! I can't seem to do anything with out getting snapped at. But with mom just loosing dad, I don't want her to know what has been said and done because it will only split the family apart. Mom's kids are all she has left but I am getting really tired of all the snipping and backbiting going on. When I let one of my sisters know how I disliked the way she had been treating me, she pulled the poor me I didn't do anything to deserve this. Mom bought it all and told me I had hurt my sisters feelings and I needed to apologize to her. I really didn't want to but I did because mom said so. I am 52 years old and I love my mom very much, if she says do it I will try too. (Mom is 80 years old) I just don't know what to do anymore. Mom needed help with dad so I did everything I could to help her. We laid dad to rest today and I told my sister I was sorry. That was hard to do because I didn't see any reason for me to tell her that when I was only telling her the truth about how she had been treating me. I am afraid they are going to railroad mom now that dad's gone but I don't know how to make her see that without being the bad daughter again. Sorry for the rambling - I really just needed an outlet for my feelings. Thanks for listening and God Bless you all!

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Babalou - Unfortunately I mean money, some of my siblings think of nothing else. When mom needed help doing anything they would charge her for it. Now they are thinking of ways & things they will do (without mom asking for it) to get mom to pay them out of the little bit of money she has left after dad's funeral. I am ashamed of the way they are acting. Mom thinks they are only trying to help. One example - mom has been told that all of us kids are going to buy her some gravel for the driveway. Nothing has been said to the majority of us - so when the gravel comes mom will end up paying for it and then she will pay my siblings for spreading it in the driveway. Mom has lifetime rights to her home and the siblings that will get said home are going to fix up what they want done while mom is still here and then she will have to pay for it. I don't like what is going on but I don't want to break mom's heart by telling her, especially now with dad just gone for a week. I apologize for venting on here but this is the only outlet I have except for praying. I don't know about everyone else but it helps to write down my thoughts and problems. I would do it in a notebook but I don't want my husband to come across my ramblings and possibly tell mom or show mom what I have written. So venting over - I am just going to be around when mom needs me. Thanks for your concern & help. Take care & God Bless you all!!!
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Some people like drama. I'd try to steer clear of them. I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Why would your sister be bothering you when you are caring for a husband with dementia? This angers me! She should be helping you, not bringing you down. And the nerve to trouble your mother with this.....she sounds very immature and a trouble maker. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but we can't pick our family. She's your family and despite that we are still bound to each other forever. Try to stay on good terms as much as possible, without compromising yourself.

You are thinking of your mom and that is why you are taking the high road. I'd find some peace in that.
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Missing, when you say your sibs are " railroading" mom, what are you referring to?
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I have kept my mouth shut about the way they are railroading mom. I have not run to her for help with my siblings. I have been and will always be there for my mom. Yes we are all adults and this shouldn't be going on now or at anytime in the future. The situation is difficult because they have tried to put mom in the middle. They don't speak to me but go to mom and tell her that I have hurt their feelings. If I hurt their feelings I think they should come to me and not drag mom into it at all. They are older than me and if there is a problem we could deal with it instead of making mom feel like she has to referee. I'm sorry I just thought we were all adults and could settle our differences ourselves. Babalou if mom were to find out how they really doing her she would be heartbroken and I don't want that. I am being pushed away because I will stick up for mom no matter what.
Yes I am doing all I can to help my husband. It has been hard helping mom with dad and staying on top of my husband's health also. But with God's help we made it though. I am hopeing that when Jan. 2016 comes around and his insurance changes that I can get him to go to the doctor. He was insisting that he get the plan F supplement so that anything that happens the hospital & doctor bills would be paid. He knows something isn't right but until he decides to go to the doctor all I can do is be here for him. Also while I was at mom's our son would call and check on him and the neighbors kept watch too (although he doesn't know this).
Thanks for your help and God Bless!
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I'm so sorry about your dad! You and your siblings should try to maintain peace and love through these difficult days. And then YOU need to care for your husband dementia. Let your mom's care be on your siblings' plates.

If mom asks for your counsel, give it honestly. But don't volunteer to get into the middle of this.
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Sorry about your loss of your Dad...

Not to be a bummer but does Mom have all her legal papers in order ? Just asking because of the loss of her husband..

If you are afraid of siblings railroading Mom make sure she sees an Atty. who specializes in Elder Law.. That way she will be able to decide who she feels is the responsible party and you all will have to accept her wishes..

Hugs..
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My post reads so badly that it's obvious I was doing other things while posting. Sorry about the mistakes.
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I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. This is a very emotional time for everyone and not everyone handles stress well. I agree with JessieBelle (I usually do) when she advised that you not worry about this right now. Having said that:

"Mom bought it all and told me I had hurt my sisters feelings and I needed to apologize to her. I really didn't want to but I did because mom said so."

You guys are adults now. No one should be running to mommy when someone gets their feelings hurt. And you're right, it will affect the family dynamic. Do the best you can under the circumstances. If you say something or something to hurt someone's feelings, apologize. If someone does something to hurt you and they don't apologize don't carry it around with you. You guys are adults now. Sometimes as adults we get banged up and bruised by what others say to us but we find a way to deal with it and move on.

Concentrate on helping your mom through the loss of your dad. If someone steps on your toes deal with it without involving your mom. She shouldn't be playing referee to her adult children, especially right now.
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missing, I am so sorry to hear about your father. I know that emotions are raw there at the moment. I would not worry about this right now. The main thing would be remembering your father and helping your mother work through her loss. The rest of it is pretty trivial compared to your father's loss, even if it is hurtful. You can worry about it again later on down the road.
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