How to cope with 2 sons and offsprings that won't see, talk or visit parents because they choose to live at home over assisted living?

I too read all your responses. You grand children must be in their 40s, at least, capable of making decisions of their own.

It sounds like you were in rehab/LTC. Assited living you don't have roommates. Maybe a nice Assisted Living would fit your needs. You and wife would have a room of your own. Meals served in a dining room or room. Socialization and activities.

What your sons are doing is not elderly abuse. You are being cared for. But I really can't imagine that because you chose not to stay in the Care facility that your whole family would cut you off. There has to be something more.

Whiz you say that you left a care facility because your wife did not receive prompt care while you were hospitalized for a fall. Could the situation be that your sons are worried what will happen to mom if you have to be hospitalized again? She would be alone except for 24 hours of VA sitting and 1/2 daily assistance. Would she perish for lack of care? What is the plan to ensure that she receives 24/7 care in the event that something happens to you?

I would be very upset with you if you were my dad. You are putting everyone in a bad situation by being unreasonable about your wife's wellbeing and needs. Of course you take better care than anyone else, you love her, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't need the security of having care in the event you are unable to care for her. That doesn't just happen if you end up being hospitalized.

Does she have any recreation or stimulation on a daily basis? Does she get to chat with other women her age? Do you have any of this?

You say the roommate was on the phone 24 hours a day. Does this mean that you and your wife did not share a room? Or did she get placed because you fell and she couldn't stay home alone?

One thing that I have learned, if it is everybody else that is the problem, it is probably me that is the real problem. Not everyone is going to be difficult unless I am creating that environment. Could you be creating a challenging environment because you don't want to change your life? I understand not wanting to go into care, I really do, but does your wife agree with you or does she even know what she needs, is she able to make her own decisions or do you make them for her? Have you thought about hiring someone to help 24/7?

If your son is living off you, you can evict him or make him start paying. You can change your will and leave everything to charity. You don't have to leave your family anything. Maybe using all of your resources to provide the best care possible for your wife would be the best thing! You have other choices besides your children and grandchildren for socializing, use them and let go of hoping that you can force them to care, you can't.

Whiz, I already replied and have have your replies. You’re hurt because of the choices your sons have made. No one can blame you for your hurt. Your sons are adults and so free to choose what they do and don’t do, just as you and your wife are. Sadly, your family is fractured, maybe over your choice of living arrangements and maybe due to things that happened in the past. Either way, you can’t force change here. I’m sorry for your hurt, sorry for the bad experience you had in a care center, and sorry that life isn’t turning out nicely for you now. I hope you can come to a place of accepting what you can’t change, leaving the anger behind, and focusing on what’s ahead for you. I truly wish you peace

I looked at your profile. You're 95 and caregiving for your Mom? How old is she? Sounds dangerous.

Firstly, well done for accepting the Aides into your home. Many don't & expect children to do everything. As others have said, the 'children' my be elders themselves with health issues.

Were your sons treated as guests when they did visit? Not like *roll out the red carpet* but sit & have a cuppa, walk around the garden sort of visit. Relaxed. Or are they put to work? Handy types may enjoy being useful on their visit & fixing taps & changing lightbulbs etc. Others may not.

Everytime I went to visit a relative it became 'I've got a job for you' or 'can you do me a favour'. I didn't mind helping but a shift happened that any responsibility slid off her & the expectations became too high that I would take on everything she didn't want to do. Was very much 'Give an inch, take a mile'. Many times on a simple social visit I was asked to provide bathroom cleanup duties. "I might like to help since I was there" was stated. My barriers went up & it may now look similar to your sons stance. I do not agree she should live alone - but I respect her right to do so. I do, however refuse all her 'jobs' & currently do not visit. My view is if she wants to live her own way that includes taking on her own responsibilities too.

I'd suggest slowing making contact by phone. No pressure. Just a casual how are you. Hopefully (after the coronavirus settles down) they will begin to visit again.

whiz95, my parents were in their mid-to-late 90's, and I was senior citizen trying to help both of them out, because they wanted to stay in their 3 story home. They were viewing me like I was still in my 20's and 30's with tons of energy, instead of someone being in their late 60's.

My parents, especially my Mom, just couldn't understand why I was saying no to so many things. I just couldn't do those things any more at my age. It was exhausting for me to keep up with my own house, much less trying to keep up with their own.

Every time the telephone rang here at home and I saw my parent's caller ID, I went into sheer panic. I was losing a lot of sleep, making it hard for me to work at my career which I worked so hard to establish.

I honestly thought my parents were going to out live me. So right there is something you need to think about.

Well..not to pile on, but the fact that you say “elder abuse” when your children choose not to sacrifice themselves to your choice not to accept any outside help speaks volumes to me. It sounds like selfishness to me. Please make some changes for your own health before it is too late. Best wishes.

I have a friend who makes her own problems. Any suggestions to help make things a little better for her she always has an excuse why that won't work. She expects too much out of others. She is estranged from one son and little contact with the other. She is her own worst enemy. People have distanced themselves from her. There have been times when its been on the tip of my tongue to say "you need to look at you" because its always someone elses fault, never her. She is never wrong.

I say this because my friend is now in the hosipital with COVID19 at the age of 71. She has Parkinsons, diabetes, and heart problems. She probably won't survive this one. She can have no visitors. No family with her. She may die alone. She has really had no life the past 10/15 yrs. And partly because she would do nothing to better it. She could have gotten help with an aide but wouldn't call Medicaid. Didn't want a stranger in her home. Could have used Senior bussing to get around town and to appts, that was beneath her.

Its going to be hard at 95 but maybe its time to look inside yourself. Is your stubbornness and wanting it your way driving your children away? Wouldn't it be better to go to a nice AL where there are people to care for your wife 24/7 allowing you to enjoy what time you have left with your family. And have some socialization with others. You can also enjoy the time you have with your wife instead of being her caregiver.

Your situation is not going to change until YOU change it. As soon as you admit to yourself your family wants what is best for you and your wife, everything else will work out. There comes a time in our lives, its not what we want its what we need.

They are not abusing you! They shouldn't be out visiting during this Covid virus. They are not your servants. You are being very stubborn by refusing to listen to logic. Have you been tested for dementia?? You want help on your terms and no one else's. You need help 24/7. By refusing what the professionals and your family knows, they've thrown up their hands and are waiting for disaster. My mom thinks the same as you. She has Alzhemers...she's a disaster waiting to happen and so are you.

Certainly not elder abuse. You made a decision, I'm assuming that you are cognitively able to make that choice, no matter how ill advised it is. At least that is what they keep telling us about my father-in-law. So you made your choice. But that doesn't mean they have to be happy about it. They are likely, like my family, waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are two of you living there, which doubles the risk that something will happen and you will need assistance. They are doing the only thing they can, staying away.
As someone else mentioned, you have also talked about not having a good relationship with them. We are dealing with my father-in-law who has been toxic for all of the 25 years I've known him, so my money is on him always being this way, but it gets worse the older he gets. ALL of his grandchildren avoid him. Not one...all. His children and their spouses are involved in varying levels. Oldest sister and her spouse moved in to just be there if he needed them. Now he can't function without them. The rest of us visit but it's a chore not a fun trip.
I suggest you look at the relationship and examine why your children and grandchildren have distanced themselves. Just as you have the option to stay in your home, they have the option not to facilitate your choice.

Your children have established boundaries. Would you really want them to stop their lives to provide care for the parents? My mom always made it clear that she never wanted her daughter's to give up their lives to become her caregivers. She wanted success and happy lives for us.

They are not abusing you by waiting for an emergency that will force the care and help that the two of you need. And of course the past 2-3 months visiting has been impossible per health department and executive orders. Helping you would be enabling you to remain in a unsafe situation. They want you recognize and to get the care you need.

One big advantage of assisted living is the friendships that you will develop, the activities that are planned, the meals that are prepared for you. Give this serious thought. Having support from others in your same situation would be very helpful to all of you.

Whiz95
If you are 95 your children must be of advanced age as well and they probably have their own health concerns. I understand that you and your wife may want to remain in your home but I also don't think it is fair for your children and grandchildren to prop you up so that you can remain in your home. If you are expecting them to help because you are unable to care for yourselves that is exactly what would be happening. This is not abuse

Not visiting is a choice, it’s not abuse. I hope your family can find a way to heal from this fracture. Putting aside the anger would be a good first step

I am with lealonni. I lived with a very stubborn father. Expected things to go his way.

We have many posts where children ask "what can we do. Our parents won't let anyone help". The answer "you just to wait until a disaster happens".

I am glad you feel you are doing OK. I guess if you weren't the aides caring for your wife would report you to APS. Your children don't agree with your choice and don't want any part of it. Its you against 6 kids? and your right?

No, its not abuse. As said Boundries have been set. I have a feeling there is some history here.

How on earth did you get to Elder Abuse, when your sons put up boundaries?

There is no rule that they have to support your decision to stay home, especially if they have concerns about your abilities and safety.

Of course for the past 3 months it would have been unconscionable for them to visit you during Covid-19.

What are you asking your sons to do for you on their visits?

Nope, not 'elder abuse' at all. In fact, when you start needing to go back & forth to the hospital and your needs become way, way, way too much to handle in home, and you start calling upon your 2 sons and their offspring to bail you out, that can be construed as child abuse instead. Which is probably why they wanted you to stay in Assisted Living; so others could properly care for you at the ages of 95 years old. You have probably been 'cut off' by your family due to extremely stubborn behavior which prevents you from being properly cared for by a team of 24/7 care givers in an Assisted Living environment. Living 'independently' yet requiring continual help is just an illusion, usually a costly one for others.

In your other post back in Jan, you talk about your son's 'hate' for you..........what is YOUR part in that equation? Nobody is ever innocent in such a situation! Compromise is usually the key to resolution in such matters. Ask yourself if you are capable of such a thing? And then go from there.

You can't only see this from a one-sided perspective. There is ALWAYS two sides to EVERY story. Try to see it from theirs.

No it’s not abuse. They don’t have to support your decision to stay home. They don’t have to call or visit. And to be honest I can see why they aren’t supportive of this situation and clearly there are long standing issues involved here.

Hopefully you took the advice given here:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/should-i-or-could-you-post-on-facebook-how-children-and-grandchildren-have-cut-off-parents-455785.htm

No, not abuse.  But I doubt they would visit anyway, unless the assisted care place is much closer.   Sorry