When my mom was i the hospital my brother pulled it all the up to the garage (long drive way) then I took her keys. She lived alone during this period, but now she live with me and my husband.
Quitting driving is a big ordeal for anyone. I had been planting seeds with my mother to stop driving for two years before she finally decided give it up at age 92. She could barely see over the steering wheel of her cherry 1995 Acura Legend. She said that she started to get nervous thinking about driving. So she decided to give it up herself.
If they hurt themselves, it affects you, and other loved ones. If they hurt another person, that affects many more people. Quitting driving isn't the end of the world, she will be safer. Keep talking with her about it and come up with other transportation options. One of her transportation options is probably going to be you and soon after, you will end up being her only transportation option. :) To this day, I regret selling her car...
If she should not be driving due to being in the beginning stages of dementia, she should stop before she injures herself or others, or else get lost and not be able to find her way back. Dementia can worsen suddenly in a matter of a few days or weeks, and her ability to drive may drastically diminish one day. If she does insist on continuing to drive, she should at least have a cellphone with her at all times (that she knows how to use). Your primary care physician may be able to give her a basic cognitive or memory test; if she does not pass this test, her primary care physician will be able to have her driver's license revoked immediately (an electronic notice will be sent to the state DMV after her primary care physician revokes it). I hope that you are able to resolve this situation soon, it sounds as if it is becoming unsafe for your mother to drive on her own anymore.
A friend's MIL was collecting small dints on her car. Lack of sensation in feet making braking dangerous. Stiff shoulders making turning dangerous. Then a few offers to use her car.. & "put a little fuel in while you're at it" 🤔
Seemed MIL could no longer squeeze the fuel bowser handle.
My husband with Parkinson, no dementia and decades younger than some here was denied renewal and does not drive anymore. On the way from dr. he just said it was sad, I just said there are worse things in life. End of story. And his driving was always excellent, but with mobility and motor skills getting much worse and he cannot possibly lift his walker, he cannot even do his seatbelt! And he loved driving, as reward for his business success he got himself little convertible, how he loved that car! Driving is not a privilege, it is responsibility. Do whatever is necessary to remove people with dementia from driving. I always remember this story in Canada. This person with dementia drove to the nearest Tim Horton for a cup of coffee in the morning, family decided it was OK for him to drive just down the road. One day he killed young woman. For a cup of coffee at nearby Timmy!
Sad thing is that many dangerous accidents happen with unsafe drivers. If the other party sues for injuries and deaths, the unsafe driver, maybe with a co-owner of a house, may lose his or their entire assets, including the home or condo the driver owns and lives in besides injuring or killing oneself in that same accident. Liability coverage will not pay for an unsafe driver's actions, and the car will be impounded if the police catch the unsafe driver in time before an accident happens.
If you figure it out, please let me know. I reported my mom to the DMV, she failed some tests and her license is now suspended but she simply doesn't believe it (dementia) and continues to drive. I live far away and my dad won't do anything. They would rather die, or kill someone, then give up driving. I even called the non-emergency police and they said there was nothing they can do.
My son disabled my parents car. Getting it looked at wound up being too much to handle and the car never moved from the garage until we sold the house after my father’s passing.
I also had my PCP tell my husband he can not drive. Then we went to MVD to “renew” his license where they told him his MD says he was unable to drive. Never blamed me.
My mother had bipolar and trusted no one, including her doctors and family to stop driving. I did keep her car away from her for one year to prove she could not even walk at age 93 to her car without my help. It took an expensive point inspection on her car she would not pay for. She decided on her own to sell her car and stop driving, sparing myself and our family danger concerns.
Check out the video on the Alzheimer’s web site. I watched it once by myself, then asked my husband to watch it. He had backed into a car, nearly sideswiped one (the other guy’s fault…he shouldn’t have been there), and ran a stop sign because he was watching something else. All this in about 2 weeks. He asked if he was really that bad, to which I said YES.The video is really good. Made everything much easier. Also got his doctor to write a letter to him saying he shouldn’t be driving.
Check with your state's Dept. of Motor Vehicles website (or call). They may have a medical review process, where you (or a doctor or police officer) can request that the DMV evaluate whether or not someone should be driving. The Doctor examines them, more than once if needed, and makes that decision. I'm not sure if they use their doctor or if they rely on the patient's doctor for this review. The outcome of it is that they can pull the patient's license if that's needed. Don't expect a miracle though, I know from experience that they are RELUCTANT to do this, at least in my state. I suspect that in an instance where it's not cut and dried they err on the side of doing nothing.
It's a rare elder who will voluntarily agree to stop driving. If they are a danger to themselves or others, they need to be informed - not convinced - that they will no longer be driving - their consent is not necessary.
I am going through the process with my mother. She gets lost very easily and would call me. I then had to use maps to figure out where she was (quite a challenge at times since she didn’t know what town or anything) then I had to talk her home. She has always had poor night vision and problems reading road signs quickly and she admits it. I drive her to her medical appointments and she has in home help several times a week so they drive her or run errands for her. One is also going to take her to lectures and things like that. I found out that her town has a network of volunteers who can drive elderly people for free so she uses them to get to her hairdresser. She won’t use the help that her retirement community offers however! I try to make sure she has everything she needs until someone is there again. I also taught her how to order food delivery from various restaurants in the area. Often when she calls me she will say that she’s going to go to the store or do some other errand but she doesn’t end up doing it. I put a tracker on her car, with her permission, so I can find her more easily if she does drive and gets lost and it also tells me when it has been driven and where, as well as how fast, what shape the battery is in, and other useful details. I keep checking it when she says she’s going to drive somewhere and so far the only trips are when I or my friend have driven the car for her! She still says she can drive and that she’s a good driver but I’m glad that part of her apparently realizes she should let others drive her now! I really recommend the tracker, mine is from Bouncie, it is supposed to be easy to install (I had the shop do it when the car was in for service) and it runs off the cars battery so it doesn’t need to be recharged like some of them. It does turn off if the cars battery is getting too low but it also tells you. As I said, I told my mother that I was putting it on so I could help her so she knows about it, if she remembers…. I live out of state so I couldn’t just run errands for her all the time. She still thinks she can drive and she has a car if she wants to but I think she is enjoying the personal services more. Though she doesn’t drive now, when I visited her last she started telling me about what her next car will be! Should an emergency come up she calls me and if I need to I can talk her where she needs to go. I showed her how to use the GPS when she still could drive but she hates computers and fights with it then refuses to use it so should there be a need I am her GPS.
When my father had a series of accidents he was diagnosed with glaucoma. He essentially had lost his peripheral vision. I was with him when I asked the neuro-ophthalmologist if he should stop driving. His answer stunned me. He told my dad it was important he really looked side to side when changing lanes. That was it. Thank goodness my father realized it was time for him to stop driving.
A doctor can be helpful here. In our case it was actually my father's eye doctor, who said to him "I won't sign off on your vision in two years, so you need to figure out a plan." He trusted that doctor and told me about the exam, and having someone else talk about the issues, whatever they may be, can be helpful. For my dad, who is in denial about his cognitive decline, being able to say that he no longer drives because of his vision (he has had a few eye issues in the past that have grown worse, not just regular vision problems) has been a bit of a nice cover for him. So don't just assume that a neurologist is the only way to go here!
Has your mother been evaluated by her doctors for her safe driving ability? You just don't remove her independence without considering alternate transportation choices, such as public transportation or rideshare, first. Do be aware of driver safety and decide when it must stop. Look up, "We Need to Talk", on the Internet for assistance.
My mother’s driving skills had declined considerably: getting lost along a familiar route, not looking before changing lanes, etc. She refused to stop driving. Months later she got a concussion after falling a three dance club. She refused medical treatment and those #&*@!) let her drive home. She couldn’t walk without holding the wall the next day. My husband and I took her to the ER. They referred her to a neurologist, who sent her for a three-part driving test. She passed the basic cognition (anyone not talking to Elvis would), but failed the second portion (reaction speed), even after taking it twice. She lost her licenses. She refused to give us the keys or vehicle and continued to drive for a while. We did t take them from her because we knew she’d sue us (she’s got NPD and is suit-happy). Thankfully she did give it up before she hurt anyone.
There must be a reason(s) for your mentioning this. For example, I first noticed my mother's peripheral vision was gone when she would walk behind a car backing out of a supermarket parking lot. I couldn't understand this since Mom had cataract surgery and $5,000 hearing aids.
This was the onslaught of what was to come--Lewy Body Dementia. Looking back I didn't realize it at the time but I now have more information and a diagnosis.
For example, right now if my mother were to take her walker on a sidewalk she probably would gage the curb distance wrong and go right off the sidewalk and literally into the gutter.
Half of the senior citizen population is on a blood thinner. We have the responsibility to keep our loved ones safe and the public. My mother was driving down the street reading the console (mileage) gas gauge, etc. while she was driving at the same time, not keeping her eyes on the road and could not judge the distance of the car in front of her. I was in the passenger's side, I immediately said, "pull the car over and give me the keys". Mother never drove again from that point on.
Please Note: This is important. When I say mother never drove again, mother also has transportation to and from any and all appointments--doctors, dentist, hair dresser, etc. Their needs have to be met. They (the seniors) don't want to think they have no freedom and will be stuck home.
In other words, you have to let them know that grocery shopping, Church, family birthday parties--they will have someone bring them.
You can't let hurting someone else's feelings take precedent over other's (and yourself) safety.
You can, however, get your mother a Real ID. It is a government sponsored ID program that in time all of us will be required to get through your DMV.
If you think your mother driving is an accident waiting to happen--as was the case with my own mother, then you need to make arrangements for food delivery, Senior Citizens groups, library classes, etc.
They don't want to lose their freedom. They want to go to the supermarket and meet people. Do you blame them. We have the responsibility to keep them safe but involved in their Community.
" When I say mother never drove again, mother also has transportation to and from any and all appointments--doctors, dentist, hair dresser, etc. Their needs have to be met. They (the seniors) don't want to think they have no freedom and will be stuck home.
In other words, you have to let them know that grocery shopping, Church, family birthday parties--they will have someone bring them."
And procuring transportation for an elder might not be as easy as you think. My mother refused to use Handi-Ride (probably couldn't have managed the arrangement for it, anyway). She wouldn't have been able to manage Uber or Lyft. I became her chauffeur. She didn't like the limits I placed on that. And if you are the one to become the transport, it can take up hours.
When my mother became dependent on me for transportation was when things became very difficult for me.
And somehow I knew that would happen. She'd told me she wanted to quit driving when she turned 90. That time came and went. I wasn't going to push it. While I'm sure my 3 out of town sibs would have loved it if my mother stopped driving, they weren't going to participate in her transportation. One of the 3 watched my mother drive, and said she was okay. As did I. My mother drove very few places and never at night, never on the highway, never in bad weather.
Should you? Age is relative! Why should she not? Ride with her. Does she not see well? Respond well? Make driving errors? Speed? break traffic rules? Drive better than your spouse? Perhaps you are just over anxious for her. If you remove her driving priveleges..you may be the ones who are in error! Has she had any accidents or near misses? She should stop willingly if so. Stopped at 93 by my choice for safety from other drivers!!
I am assuming there are reasons you believe that your Mom cannot now drive. What are they? Has her doctor discussed these reasons with her? In many cases, unless a senior has been found to be incompetent, this is not your decision. If you feel she is unsafe you can report her with license number to your DMV who may or may not ask her in for a full exam, vision and driving. Many seniors need an accident to decide the matter for them. My brother did. And my daughter's MIL in early 90s, getting eye injections and with bad vision, has not given up her license. My own Mom stopped only after she mowed down a mess of baby trees in a plant nursery. More information in your queries will allow us to give you better answers. Sure do wish you good luck.
Why do you not want her to drive any longer? Has she been diagnosed with a medical condition that makes driving dangerous for her or the community? A little more info would be helpful. I would hate to think this is just because she is in her 80's
Is she having fender-benders? Getting lost? Has physical or cognitive impairments that prevent safe driving? Driving erratically or dangerously?
Just want to emphasize that it doesn't need to happen just because they become a certain age. My own 93-yr old Mother (who lives next door to me) still drives. To date, she is self-limiting in where and when she goes (ie now drives only in perfect weather, in daylight, non-rush hours or schoolbus times, when roads are dry and snow-free, and only to 2 locations). I limit her by not shoveling her driveway (and I make some excuse as to why). I make sure all her needs are met so she has few reason to go anywhere. I drive as her passenger, or behind her, to check on her abilities. This is all because my Uncle, her brother, had an accident that killed his 2x cancer-surviving wife of 60+ yrs because he shouldn't have been allowed to drive anymore. FL just had a wrong-way elder driver hit and kill 2 teenagers.
You are in the best position to safeguard your LO and others. Depending on her state, you can anonymously report her to the DMV online (and provide all the documentation and incidents to support your claim). They will mail out a letter informing her she needs to come in to be tested (probably an eye test and if she passes that, maybe a behind-the-wheel?). But do not take her to this appointment. Do not keep talking about it. Make sure she doesn't call others to take her. Her license will then expire. Then, remove her vehicle on some pretense (it needs repair) or disable it. Cancel her insurrance. If you arrent' able to do this then talk to her neighbors and ask them to report her (911) if they see her pull out. Report her as a dangerous driver.
She won't like any of this and will be in a rage for a while but you must step in. The county/state will not. Her doctor will not.
I reported my mom to the DMV, along with a letter I sent to her primary. She did have a mild cognitive decline diagnosis, but refused to be seen by a doc, after her ER visit. I detailed very specific instances mom had been having + the MCD diagnosis + not seeking medical help = the state sending her a letter. The state would have reactivated her license had she passed an in-person test (she did not pass) and had three various doctors complete paperwork saying she was fit to drive (she tried to get her primary to sign off on the paperwork which he did not do).
Lovejean, you must live with yourself if your elderly mom continues to drive, hurts or kills someone and/or hurts or kills herself. I could not.
She said that she started to get nervous thinking about driving. So she decided to give it up herself.
If they hurt themselves, it affects you, and other loved ones. If they hurt another person, that affects many more people. Quitting driving isn't the end of the world, she will be safer.
Keep talking with her about it and come up with other transportation options. One of her transportation options is probably going to be you and soon after, you will end up being her only transportation option. :)
To this day, I regret selling her car...
Seemed MIL could no longer squeeze the fuel bowser handle.
Natural consequences: no fuel = no driving
And his driving was always excellent, but with mobility and motor skills getting much worse and he cannot possibly lift his walker, he cannot even do his seatbelt!
And he loved driving, as reward for his business success he got himself little convertible, how he loved that car!
Driving is not a privilege, it is responsibility.
Do whatever is necessary to remove people with dementia from driving.
I always remember this story in Canada. This person with dementia drove to the nearest Tim Horton for a cup of coffee in the morning, family decided it was OK for him to drive just down the road. One day he killed young woman.
For a cup of coffee at nearby Timmy!
Don't expect a miracle though, I know from experience that they are RELUCTANT to do this, at least in my state. I suspect that in an instance where it's not cut and dried they err on the side of doing nothing.
Blessings.
I really recommend the tracker, mine is from Bouncie, it is supposed to be easy to install (I had the shop do it when the car was in for service) and it runs off the cars battery so it doesn’t need to be recharged like some of them. It does turn off if the cars battery is getting too low but it also tells you. As I said, I told my mother that I was putting it on so I could help her so she knows about it, if she remembers…. I live out of state so I couldn’t just run errands for her all the time.
She still thinks she can drive and she has a car if she wants to but I think she is enjoying the personal services more. Though she doesn’t drive now, when I visited her last she started telling me about what her next car will be!
Should an emergency come up she calls me and if I need to I can talk her where she needs to go. I showed her how to use the GPS when she still could drive but she hates computers and fights with it then refuses to use it so should there be a need I am her GPS.
There must be a reason(s) for your mentioning this. For example, I first noticed my mother's peripheral vision was gone when she would walk behind a car backing out of a supermarket parking lot. I couldn't understand this since Mom had cataract surgery and $5,000 hearing aids.
This was the onslaught of what was to come--Lewy Body Dementia. Looking back I didn't realize it at the time but I now have more information and a diagnosis.
For example, right now if my mother were to take her walker on a sidewalk she probably would gage the curb distance wrong and go right off the sidewalk and literally into the gutter.
Half of the senior citizen population is on a blood thinner. We have the responsibility to keep our loved ones safe and the public. My mother was driving down the street reading the console (mileage) gas gauge, etc. while she was driving at the same time, not keeping her eyes on the road and could not judge the distance of the car in front of her. I was in the passenger's side, I immediately said, "pull the car over and give me the keys". Mother never drove again from that point on.
Please Note: This is important. When I say mother never drove again, mother also has transportation to and from any and all appointments--doctors, dentist, hair dresser, etc. Their needs have to be met. They (the seniors) don't want to think they have no freedom and will be stuck home.
In other words, you have to let them know that grocery shopping, Church, family birthday parties--they will have someone bring them.
You can't let hurting someone else's feelings take precedent over other's (and yourself) safety.
You can, however, get your mother a Real ID. It is a government sponsored ID program that in time all of us will be required to get through your DMV.
If you think your mother driving is an accident waiting to happen--as was the case with my own mother, then you need to make arrangements for food delivery, Senior Citizens groups, library classes, etc.
They don't want to lose their freedom. They want to go to the supermarket and meet people. Do you blame them. We have the responsibility to keep them safe but involved in their Community.
Enough said...
In other words, you have to let them know that grocery shopping, Church, family birthday parties--they will have someone bring them."
And procuring transportation for an elder might not be as easy as you think. My mother refused to use Handi-Ride (probably couldn't have managed the arrangement for it, anyway). She wouldn't have been able to manage Uber or Lyft. I became her chauffeur. She didn't like the limits I placed on that. And if you are the one to become the transport, it can take up hours.
When my mother became dependent on me for transportation was when things became very difficult for me.
And somehow I knew that would happen. She'd told me she wanted to quit driving when she turned 90. That time came and went. I wasn't going to push it. While I'm sure my 3 out of town sibs would have loved it if my mother stopped driving, they weren't going to participate in her transportation. One of the 3 watched my mother drive, and said she was okay. As did I. My mother drove very few places and never at night, never on the highway, never in bad weather.
Perhaps you are just over anxious for her.
If you remove her driving priveleges..you may be the ones who are in error! Has she had any accidents or near misses? She should stop willingly if so.
Stopped at 93 by my choice for safety from other drivers!!
In many cases, unless a senior has been found to be incompetent, this is not your decision. If you feel she is unsafe you can report her with license number to your DMV who may or may not ask her in for a full exam, vision and driving.
Many seniors need an accident to decide the matter for them. My brother did. And my daughter's MIL in early 90s, getting eye injections and with bad vision, has not given up her license. My own Mom stopped only after she mowed down a mess of baby trees in a plant nursery.
More information in your queries will allow us to give you better answers. Sure do wish you good luck.
Has she been diagnosed with a medical condition that makes driving dangerous for her or the community?
A little more info would be helpful.
I would hate to think this is just because she is in her 80's
Just want to emphasize that it doesn't need to happen just because they become a certain age. My own 93-yr old Mother (who lives next door to me) still drives. To date, she is self-limiting in where and when she goes (ie now drives only in perfect weather, in daylight, non-rush hours or schoolbus times, when roads are dry and snow-free, and only to 2 locations). I limit her by not shoveling her driveway (and I make some excuse as to why). I make sure all her needs are met so she has few reason to go anywhere. I drive as her passenger, or behind her, to check on her abilities. This is all because my Uncle, her brother, had an accident that killed his 2x cancer-surviving wife of 60+ yrs because he shouldn't have been allowed to drive anymore. FL just had a wrong-way elder driver hit and kill 2 teenagers.
You are in the best position to safeguard your LO and others. Depending on her state, you can anonymously report her to the DMV online (and provide all the documentation and incidents to support your claim). They will mail out a letter informing her she needs to come in to be tested (probably an eye test and if she passes that, maybe a behind-the-wheel?). But do not take her to this appointment. Do not keep talking about it. Make sure she doesn't call others to take her. Her license will then expire. Then, remove her vehicle on some pretense (it needs repair) or disable it. Cancel her insurrance. If you arrent' able to do this then talk to her neighbors and ask them to report her (911) if they see her pull out. Report her as a dangerous driver.
She won't like any of this and will be in a rage for a while but you must step in. The county/state will not. Her doctor will not.
Lovejean, you must live with yourself if your elderly mom continues to drive, hurts or kills someone and/or hurts or kills herself. I could not.
Hoping your decision brings peace.