How to care for caregiver and keep our marriage intact?

Make your feelings known to your wife. And your concerns. And your fears.
Present options to her that might or might not be acceptable to either of you (actually all 3 of you...not all parties are happy when it comes to compromises)
As I see it the options might be..
1. MIL moves closer to the two of you. (that could be..)
a) Move in with you two.
b) Assisted or Independent Living near you.
2. The two of you look for work closer to your MIL.
3. See what is available in MIL's area and establish a network there that can help her manage day to day. Many things can be done remotely that can help MIL out. Meal delivery, grocery delivery. A caregiver that could come a few days a week to see how she is doing, take her shopping, do laundry and other things around the house. Your wife can manage bill paying and other things on line. Setting up cameras in the house to monitor her. Make a standing visit 1 time a month to check in and see how things are going in person.

One of the difficult things to establish is BOUNDARIES and making MIL understand what they are can be a daunting task.

Doncet, look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.)

Your poor wife has been groomed as a slave to mamma since childhood. There are no boundaries between her mother's wants and your wife's actions. Wife acts as if the world will end if mamma is not happy.

Find a good therapist with whom you can both share your feelings.

The moving MIL closer to you would be my choice. But, do not move her in with you because of past experiences with her.

The first thing your wife should do is ask Mom to assign her POA for finances and medical. At her age I would ask that it be immediate. Not so ur wife can take over immediately but so when Mom does show she is declining and needs more help, you don't need a doctor to formally sign off. "Springing" POAs need a doctor/s to say the person is incompetent. If MIL bulks at the idea, then explain if there is no POA assigned the State will take over her care if ever she needs it.

The problem your wife may have is she is still looking for love from someone who has no idea how to give it. Because of this, she will take what her Mom dishes out. There must be boundries and your wife sets them. Her mother will need your wife more than your wife needs her. And you will need to set boundries. You need to get on the same page.

Find out what resources are available to MIL where she lives. If you move her near, take advantage of what is out there. Your future is important. You will be 78 one day and will need the money you have saved to care for yourselves. Do not allow MIL to drain you.

The book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud is a good book according to my daughter.

In what way is MIL becoming clearly unable to continue handling affairs on her own? What needs support? - and what services might provide that support (not including Your Wife Inc.)?

It sounds as if you will need more clarity to emerge before you can suggest practical boundaries to your wife. Meanwhile I can only offer one of my mother's favourite sayings: "a closed mouth gathers no feet."

Is your wife proposing any specific and manifestly self-destructive course of action right now?

“That is the crux of the problem: that my MIL is unwilling to be flexible, and my wife is unable or unwilling to set boundaries. And, I don't want the situation to destroy my wife or my marriage.”

Could it possibly be that this is how it FEELS?

Try to “catch” your MIL being flexible and your DW being willing to put you first.

A couple of more book suggestions. “Atlas of the Heart, Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” by Brene’ Brown and “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande.

Hurricanes have been a problem in my life for at least 20 years and appear to be getting worse. For the safety of all three of you, I hope you pursue the therapy. It’s hard enough when you are fleeing the hurricane, much less driving to and fro and then back again. You have my sympathy.

Since your wife has a history of abuse in her family of origin, I suggest you spend a couple of sessions with a counsellor together to talk about this situation, Naturally, your wife wants to make sure her mother is cared for. This care can take many forms - and you both need to talk together and evaluate all the options. The goal is to come out of counselling with a plan that you can both be supportive of.

May I also suggest that the next visit include a doctor's appointment for MIL to test her for mental competency. This should be a usual part of her annual physicals and whenever she is seen for illness or injury. When she is found to be mentally incompetent, then you and your wife will need plan that you already agree upon for MIL's care with round the clock caregiving.

Mil should go to elder care or it will ruin your family.

Hello!
Please take the time to sit down with your wife for the purpose of having a discussion to outline your concerns, worries, needs for you, your wife, your marriage, your mil. Seek a counselor’s help and support. You will then have a base to work from as decisions are made to help. Good luck these are tough times, but you can get through it.

Do not move closer to her or move her in with you. Both those need to be off the table.

Many of us have learned...you cannot change someone who does not want to change, so expecting your MIL to become flexible is probably not going to happen. What can happen is how your wife reacts to her. I agree with therapy, your wife is trying to earn her mother's love with tremendous inconvenience to herself so mom can stay nice and comfy. Wait for a calm time and talk to her about your concerns. Ask her why she gets so defensive over her mother not having things exactly the way she wants. Ask her why she seems to think her mother matters more than she does.

My father was only 20 miles away. He was not overly difficult, just needy as heck. I also had a childhood where I was always last on his list. Now that he was elderly and everyone was gone, I was the focal point of his life....and I was not having any of it. I don't forget the past. With that said he was always on my mind. Managing his life weighed on me 24/7 and I remember how bad and anxious I felt all the time. It is not an easy thing to live with.

MIL is not going to change .Maybe hire someone to be there a couple times a week who can check up on her, run errands , do light housekeeping and grocery shop.My MIL can no longer drive but insists on keeping a car, her mental decline is very apparent and she is still the nasty demanding person she had always been . She has a cleaning lady once a week and a sitter that calls or checks on her a couple days a week for her. She has no one but my husband and lucky girls us lived in the same town. There are 9 grandchildren she never showed and interest in or kindness too so they don’t even know her...

Does your mother bank at a bank? My mother did not do anything online. We got online access to her account and we made sure that she had things paid online that needed to be paid. Luckily she was in AL and they took the money out of her account every month - I just needed to make sure the money was there. Same with credit card. We gave her a separate checking account so she could write checks that she wanted to - but kept the 'big' checking account separate - transferring money as needed. It helped mom feel like she was in control and allowed us to have some control too. She did have to come to the bank with us and sign paperwork allowing us access, which may be a problem with your MIL.

The fact that you are asking the question seems to indicate that the situation is already taking a toll on your marriage and relationship. Your wife is only trying to be the supportive daughter for someone who was not supportive of her. However that often leads to disaster as the mother’s situation and health will only go downhill. Your wife’s intentions are good, but she is walking into a hornets nest of problems to come. You haven’t said if your wife is experiencing any personal stress or anxieties while trying to manage her mother’s care needs.

As a spouse you have the right to express your needs and expectations. Your wife needs to consider a practical plan for her mother’s care, and for the future of your marriage. As this may be new to your wife, it will become more and more of a burden as time goes on. Help your wife by setting some healthy boundaries.

You have received a ton of great advice here. I just wanted to add, as a daughter and a wife in my own triangle of responsibilities and attachments, try not to make your wife feel that she has to choose between the two of you. She has enough love for all of you. If you guys seek counseling, then you can come up with several possibilities moving forward. Compromise compromise compromise. And be flexible, because sometimes the first plan doesn’t work and something needs to be adjusted. As your MIL continues to age, things get harder, not easier, but if you have created a strong foundation between you and your wife, you will be able to weather the storm.

I’d expect unconditional surrender on either side can only damage a relationship - now add: caregiving takes a toll on the best relationships.

Be patient. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. Ask your wife to do the same. Ask for philosophical conversations that aren’t hijacked by emotions. Have Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.

How much involvement can do WE want? Your MIL want? Maybe start with a list of what is needed now and assign time requirements.

What other resources exist? Siblings? Meals on Wheels? County health dept?

What honey do’s in your home can be hired out? Cleaning? Yard work? Renovations?

What can be managed remotely for MIL (you can ask USPS to send a digital image of every envelope in MIL’s mailbox)?

What conditions does MIL have that need appointments?

Can MIL manage meals if they are minimal effort? (Had a 90 yo neighbor cook a week of single serve meals for her brother)

How will WE handle the fallout from arguments with stubborn MIL?

What are you willing to sacrifice? Golfing … or maybe there golfing near MIL?

What are toxic signs you need to watch for and manage?

What happens as MIL becomes more needy?

Would MIL be happier in assisted living? (Friend’s MIL moved cross country to live with son & wife. Lasted 4 months. Wife & husband avoided being in their home b/c MIL was demanding. Everyone’s happy with MIL in local assisted living.)
How will WE carve out time for us?

Your MIL could easily live for 10 years. If you can treat it like a business project to be assessed and managed, scheduled and delegated, it might be easier than resorting to the you don’t love me card.

You and your wife need to understand caregiving is going down a rabbit hole and the elder only needs more help as time passes. It’s hard when the elder is sweet and loving and able to handle activities of daily living. From what I’ve seen posted, it’s a horror show when things are toxic and/or the elder can’t manage the basics.

Share your question and the answers. She can’t say we don’t understand because people here have been living it in every degree.

Good luck to all of you.

You are looking down the road at some pretty unpleasant times, if you contemplate letting the MIL move in with you. Your wife will wreck your marriage if you make her have to choose. Head this off at the pass. Look for good Assisted Living situations near you. Offer to organize a moving van. Take positive steps that show you love her and are not dismissing her concerns, but that you didn't marry her mother, and have limits. This can't be easy...

First, sympathy. Next some ideas. While of course your situation is unique, it has aspects like at least two other common and important issues.

1) Your wife was not well treated as a child and young adult, and is now trying to get the approval and love that she missed out on then. There are many many stories showing that this rarely works out. She can try and try, and will never get what she needs. Even if her mother changes (which isn’t likely), the reconciliation comes too late to solve the real problem, which is the past. Even if she does every single thing that her mother wants (demands?), it will never be good enough for her mother, based on years of experience.

2) In a marriage, the partner must come first. You didn’t marry her mother. If your marriage comes second to what mother wants (note- wants, not needs), you are better off out of it, painful though it will be. MIL can live for 10 to 20 years. What is left of your marriage after that?

Find some of those old threads, think about how they may be relevant to your situation, and where they fit into any discussion you are going to have with your wife.

I’m thinking some more, and will post again about strategies. Yours, Margaret

This second post is my attempt to think through a way to approach this with your wife. They are suggestions, not ‘directions’.

Your wife W makes a list starting with what she is prepared to do for M’s benefit, and ending with what she is not prepared to do for M. (On a spreadsheet, you can insert new lines to the list as required!) W’s list may start with ‘whatever she needs’, and that has to be broken down. First, between ‘needs’ and wants’. It may help to start from the bottom up, what she is NOT prepared to do. For W, the sticking points may be more important that the general statements on the top.

You do the same yourself, separately. For you, the top may be as important as the sticking points, in your discussions. Then you compare. This has the advantage of thinking generally in advance, not facing the reasonable number of ceramic figurines to salvage in a crisis, and arguing about trivia.

This might work in a couple of ways:
1) It clarifies the issues and the sticking points for you and W.
2) It could lead to some compromises.
3) It saves a lot of time in presenting the issues if you do both go to a counselor.

When and if you can both come to a balance between you (with counseling if appropriate) that is what you discuss with M as the boundaries. If you can reach an agreement with her too, it’s a win-win-win. It may take more than one discussion with M, because it's a new way to look at things. If she won’t touch it and spits the dummy, then you and W have a clear issue about what takes priority – M or the marriage. You have both already agreed that your joint list is reasonable. You then have something quite different to present to M, for her to accept or reject. If she rejects a reasonable outcome, she needs to be left to manage her life on her own and on her own terms.

Perhaps these suggestions can help you to come up with a variation that might work for you. I hope it helps. Love, Margaret

Good for your wife in not punishing her mother for her less than supportive mothering through the years. The mother probably had her own fear of standing up to an abusive spouse.
Work on arranging paid Home Health Care for your MIL. Your wife does not need to be hands on for everything. Her mother will probably strenuously protest outside help. It may take some time to find a private aide or an agency that will be a fit and that your mother can accept. Your wife will have to be very sure a hired senior services person or aide will be professional and honest and reliable. We would all wish for that if we needed help.
You might ask local churches contacts contacts or references. I wish I had a magic answer for finding that person, but I do not.

doncet72: Perhaps your MIL is not quite yet in need of 24/7 assistance, but you're correct in the fact that your marriage comes first and foremost.

Wow, given how your MIL treated those around her, I feel your full and first loyalty MUST BE TO YOU AND YOUR WIFE, MIL - second. I would try to get a third party into the mix and explain to your wife how you feel and that you want your marriage to come first. Your wife must realize the woman is getting older and is beginning to have problems. Therefore, that woman needs to be placed where she is safe and taken are off. Unless someone is put in charge of her, she will continue to "destroy" your marriage and your relationship with your wife and based on her past history, that is totally unacceptable. If a caretaker cannot be found, this is the only option. I do see that one of you will have to take over all legal affairs for her, like a power of attorney, etc. Don't wait - seek help now before your marriage is over and disaster strikes.