How to calm down elderly grandmother?

"tried calling my aunt who of course only criticized and yelled at me, saying I'm doing it all wrong."

Then why isn't your Aunt caring for her? Are you living in Grandmom's home? If Grandmom is having these types of episodes she should not be left alone at all. She is now 24/7 care. I don't expect you to quit your job and please don't. Her responsibility is your Aunts. If she does not want to care for her Mom, thats OK, but she need to set up care in the home or place Mom in a facility. IMO when there are children, the care of a grandparent should not fall on the shoulders of a grandchild. Now if your grands raised you that may be a different story but your Aunt should still be helping.

Just want to thank you all for your answers. I appreciate everyone taking the time to provide input.

So here's the thing: many people have said to put her in a facility, which I completely agree with. Unfortunately, legally I cannot do that since I am not POA or med proxy. That's up to my aunt, who refuses to do it. I don't agree with her at all on this, but there's nothing I can do about it besides disagree.

I'm trying to find a safe place to move to, it's definitely in the works. I live on Long Island NY where the cost of living has gotten sky high thanks to all the city people who fled NYC during the pandemic. And I really don't want to end up homeless, if it can be avoided. So right now, I am paring down my things, saving up for a new place and keeping my eyes peeled for somewhere better to live, a better paying job, etc.

As for what happens to grandma once I move out, that's up to my aunt. I'm legally not allowed to arrange for her care. My aunt wanted the responsiblity, well, now she's got to the job she signed up for.

In the meantime, it's not a bad idea to contact her doctor and let him know that these episodes are happening. I think I'll do that.

Caregiving is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

You may never know why g'ma is crying. It may not be that she realizes her relatives are gone. We don't know what is going on in the mind of someone with dementia. Has she been clinically diagnosed with dementia? I agree with Barb that her dr should know about this. In the meantime, try to divert her by recognizing and validating her grief and suggesting you both go for a walk, get a cup of tea, have a snack, etc. You imply she's living alone, she shouldn't be. Her confusion and delusions are signs of detached reality, which can lead to inability to take care of herself, and unsafe behavior. Have you viewed Teepa Snow videos on YouTube or read Surviving Alzheimer's? Both are specifically meant to help dementia caregivers.

You might want to start to consider a care facility. And, yes, this is the most challenging thing you've ever done. “I am certainly coming out of it a stronger, wiser person in the end”, tells me of your optimism , your resilience, and your strength to endure this journey of caregiving. I applaud you, Kimmotion

According to past posts, you are 38. Your grandmother is 94. You were bullied into this caregiving situation by your POA aunt to preserve her inheritance.

How are things going in finding a place of your own? Are you still doing that?

It is so good of you to care for GM. I agree, your GM should not be left alone. Seek adult daycare or have aids come in while you work or a combination. These get paid for from GM funds. POA should be making these arrangements. The POA should also let GM's dr know that GM is having episodes and needs to be evaluated.

Please do not become GM's fulltime caregiver - you need to earn money to take care of your own old age.

Validate your GM's feelings - "you know she's sad and afraid - you are there for her and she is safe." Ask her what makes her sad. Depending on where she is in her mind she may no longer remember her mother or husband are dead - if she says they aren't answering the phone just tell her they must be away and can't come to the phone. Reassure her that everything is ok. Prepare her a snack and put on her favorite music; sing to her; read to her. If you can try and figure out where she is - see if you can have her tell you what is going on in her life - where does she live; what decade she is visiting?

You are such a good granddaughter and GM is lucky to have you. I pray that you are blessed with peace, grace, love and joy.

Who is with grandma when you are gone? She should not be left alone with a diagnosis of dementia. A caregiver could try to calm her before she gets to the hysterical state.
If you can place cameras so you can monitor grandma and if you see that she is getting upset you can call her and talk to her, that might keep hysteria at bay for a little while.
Possibly so me soothing music left on in her room at a very quiet level so if she wakes up she might be calmed by the music. (I would do only instrumental no voices as that might make her think there is someone in the house{but she should not be alone})

Kim, I think you need to talk to gma's doctor about these episodes. She may need more, or different, medication.

Is grandma alone all day? Is she safe, do you think? Are there adult daycares near you where she could spend some of the time you are at work?

Does gma find music soothing? Maybe songs from her youth and early adulthood, or classical music can be calming.

Your aunt has some nerve speaking to you like that! She needs to come pick her mother up and deal with all of this and then you can point your finger at her and call her stupid (which you won't do, of course, knowing how bad it feels). Aggravates the snot out of me to hear such things when you are caring for grandma out of the goodness of your heart!

My mother does something similar when she's sundowning in the evenings around 8 pm; insists on calling her deceased sisters and mother b/c she 'needs to get out of' her Memory Care AL and thinks she can go stay with them. She'll ask me, 'are they still alive?' and I tell her no they're not mom, but they're all together in Heaven playing cards & drinking wine. You'll get to see them when it's your turn to go to Heaven and be reunited. THOSE are the words that calm her down and get her off the subject, in reality. There are no distractions that will get her to stop asking for their phone numbers when it's their numbers she's after. Soothing talk about where they're at is what she needs to hear.

Anti-anxiety meds are always a good idea to have on hand and will not make her 'comatose', that's a ridiculous statement. Medications are an excellent way to calm a person with dementia, period. No, they don't work instantly, like a hug and a chat will, but they DO calm the body down when it's all ramped up. "Side effects" from meds are nothing compared to scary dreams that are interfering with her sleep and with her LIFE! Only someone who's had a history of nightmares can attest to that; I suffered with them for 25 years and would have taken arsenic to be rid of them.

Don't leave grandma alone; it's not safe with dementia; she can get into all sorts of trouble. If your aunt won't help you with funds to get a sitter/caregiver to come in at night while you're gone, then your aunt needs to step up and care for her mother personally. Whether she 'disagrees' with managed care or not, some kind of care IS required at all times for a person with dementia, period.

Lots of people with dementia benefit from having a baby doll to care for (even men). You can try buying her an inexpensive one on eBay along with a swaddle blanket & see how she does with it. She can take the doll to bed with her and sleep with it, which may give her some comfort if she wakes in the night and feels like she needs to care for the 'baby'. When I worked in the MC last year, I can't tell you how many women (and a few men) carried around a doll and loved it to death; it brought them many hours of comfort day & night!

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation.

Kimmotion: I did see your update dated 4 days ago - I am just able to view your OP today. Your aunt needs to accept the responsibility that she signed on to do in Power of Attorney. I truly hope that you don't become homeless.

Update: grandma ended up in the hospital last week with the worst UTI known to mankind. Somehow, she was sent home with the catheter in, still in hospital gown and all. She ripped out the catheter and ended up back in ER. Effin' geniuses! Thank goodness there was a dr appointment already scheduled the next day with her primary because I told him EVERYTHING that I have been through as a caregiver. He asked me how she got the UTI so bad and I said it was due to one disgusting behavior that she does. His response: "at the rate this is going, a facility will be inevitable". He recommended a neurologist and eval, which is in order.