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My best friend and I are in our late 30's and are unfortunately joining the life stage of dealing with aging parents. My Bff's mom clearly has dementia symptoms, has had them for at least a 2 years, and they are getting progressively worse. However, she and her family are in denial. They won't take her to specialist or try to get her on medicines, and dismiss significant cognitive issues as forgetfulness, silliness, etc; Bff just had a baby boy, but her mom thinks it's a girl, or she dresses in mismatch outfits, looks for water in dresser drawers, can't understand simple instructions..... she was a professional career woman, so like I said, significant decline.


The reason for my question is that a few years ago, my own mother had a bout with delirium after what we think was bad UTI. My mom spent about 3 months in SN, but seemed to mostly recover after about 6-12mo. My bff and her family seem to think their mom will be "healed" like my mom was (before getting the delirium diagnosis, Drs were trying to say she had dementia onset) and are constantly trying to pump me for information on things we did/tried to help her "get better". I've given them info on medications prescribed, doctors, tests she had and info we got about dementia, but most of it they've either not followed up with drs or outright ignored.


I'm not family, so I have no rights to get directly involved, but I'm struggling with how to be a good friend to her when she won't listen to anything I've said. Personally, I'm tired of dancing around the issue and saying the same thing repeatedly, but I know things will only get worse. I'm not a fair-weather friend and I want to be there for her. Does anyone have any good recommendations on how to get through to a friend/family or how to approach the denial of dementia symptoms?

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I am so sorry. I do not have experience with this but others do so I am bumping up this question so they can help you.

Stick around for answers.

Best wishes to you.
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You are a wonderful friend!

I suppose the denial is a safety value, your friend just cannot accept the idea of dementia. Many people are ashamed (shouldn't be). Maybe skip the D word & ask about any changes she sees.

Then how to problem solve around those changes to keep her Mother safer could be a focus?

Even a small thing like mismatched outfits can be a warning: not remembering the season-not dressing for the weather-inapproprite use of aircon or heating. Heaters left on high & dehydration is a very common problem.

Your friend must be so busy with a new baby too. Does she have other family members living close to her Mother? If family are visiting her more frequently they will start to notice the issues.

Unfortunately it may take a crises before medical advice is sought.
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amberlina202 Oct 2020
She has two siblings, all live in different states. One is even a nurse but she's the most checked out of all of them! The other sib lives in the same town as her parents and is the main resource for the helping to care for her mom. My friend has also had a ton of life changes in the last 2 years, so I'm sure thats another driver to just ignore it and zone out on the issues at hand.
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amber - on one hand, she's your bff and I think you value your friendship with her. On the other hand, you want her to face something unpleasant (dementia symptoms) which you think her mom has. If you push your friend, you might risk your friendship. What would you gain if your friendship was damaged? How would you help her then?

If her mother has dementia, her symptoms will deteriorate to the point of no denial. It may happen soon or it may be a few years from now. And when you friend reaches the point of acceptance, you can be there for her then.

For now, I'd recommend you stop bringing it up.
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I know I have tried so hard to get through to my family but they refuse to accept my fathers dementia diagnosis. I believe they do not want to know anything is wrong. It’s easier to be in denial. Fortunately I take care of him so I do not need their acceptance, although it would be nice as it would be easier if they understood and could lend support. I figure the more his dementia progresses they will reach a point it becomes so severe they will have no choice but to accept it. Maybe all they need is time. Best wishes to you
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Wow. I don't know if it's possible to make an impression on a group of people drinking the same flavor Kool-aid. Despite your close relationship, if the truth be told, really the only thing you can do is mention it once and then that's the end of it. That is the extent of you being inside the family circle -- you're not. It's obvious they don't value your concern, your information, or your desire to seek some sort of help. These people have no apparent reason to change anything they are doing. Yes, worsening symptoms will eventually tell the tail, but you really have no right. Even so, this would be hard on me as well. I would feel sorry for the older woman because there are services "out there" that could help her feel happier and more focused in a routine. Dementia requires routine. Although you might feel uncomfortable about it, it might be a good idea to call Adult Protective Services anonymously and talk to them about the situation. As a friend you have no rights, really, but an authority like APS is bent on maintaining our society's agreed rules of elder rights. Sorry, but I think you've got to keep it to yourself, or, if you find it unbearable, then you'll have to quit going over there. Just a few very hard choices to make.
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If dementia can destroy family relationships it can certainly destroy friendships. They may be in denial because they know what the future holds. You've done what you can by offering your thoughts. At this point I wouldn't bring it up and if they do I would just suggest they make an appt with bff's mom's dr. and leave it at that. I know you've already suggested that but I wouldn't offer anything more. It will eventually get to a point where they will no longer be able to ignore the symptoms because it will begin to affect the family if it already hasn't. That'll be a sad moment for you in knowing they never took your advice. If bff's mom has regular dr. appts, her PCP will administer a brief dementia screen process. They all do now. So for now don't bring it up.
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Thank you all for your feedback. My friend is like a sister, so it's hard to see her go through this. When we talk I generally let her bring up the subject and I've tried to minimize how much I use the D-word, as I know I am not a doctor and have no authority to diagnose her or anything close to that. I ask how her mom and she is doing, but if she does't want to go into details, I never push.

What really triggered me last night was that my friend is putting off some really precious opportunities to be/do things with her mom and kids as if she will have time later. Time is promised to no one but time is actively being robbed from someone with these diseases. I was trying to share with her that she may not have a lot of moments left, but that message was not received very well.

Other frustration points are that I know there are so many resources for dealing with cognitive decline that they are not utilizing, and the fact that I do not proactively give advice/info, yet they ask me for it and then don't follow up.

I think you are all correct in I should just hanging back, minimize my input no matter how much they ask, and let them deal with it as a family however they see fit. Their denial is def their way of coping I guess, now matter how unhealthy I might think it is.
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I used to work in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit. As a front desk receptionist, I'd get to visit with the family members of the residents who were ALL experiencing some level of dementia/ALZ or another; bad enough to warrant placement in residential care.

Many of the sons & daughters were SO deep in denial about their mother or father's condition that they refused to accept it. Entirely. We had one daughter who insisted her mother was only there because it was close by to her home and she had fallen while living alone, so she needed some extra help. She looked at the Memory Care as an expensive hotel b/c there was 'nothing wrong with her mother' at all. We had another gentleman who's mother was SO progressed with her dementia that she ATE another resident's hearing aid. Snatched it out of the woman's hand, put it into her mouth, chewed it up and swallowed it. Still this man insisted his mother was going to 'get better' if only she had the 'right doctors and therapists' to work with her.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

You can't do anything to convince anybody about anything. When your friend's mother does something SO outrageous that she needs to go to the hospital or get placed into residential care by say, I don't know, running down the street at 3 am naked and falling into a pothole..........why then your friend may begin to come around. But don't bet on it.
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