You've all heard me whine here before. Another exhausting day at my dad's. My patience is gone. For reminders, he is 92 years old, mixed dementia, still lives on his own, owns a car and a truck that the caregivers drive (although I'm hearing rumors that he has been driving in and out of the garage lately - he doesn't have a license anymore but insists that his insurance company told him it is OK for him to drive on his own property), has care that comes in 6 days a week for 1/2 days and I do Saturday afternoon 'duty' as I have for the last 4 years. Oh, and don't forget, I'm guardian and conservator. I work full time Mon.-Fri. so my weekends are precious to me but I started this so I guess I'll finish it out. Anymore, there are really other things I'd rather be doing on Saturday so I like to get over there, do what I need to do and leave although this generally stretches out to 3-1/2 to 4 hours. All the while, my patience is frayed. He makes EVERYTHING so difficult. There are so many easier ways to do things. He takes the longest way around a problem to fix it and I just lose my patience. I sit there thinking about how much easier all of this could be if he'd just let me do it (I'm a bit of a multitasker). He doesn't trust ANYTHING I do for him. He wants to double check all of my work. If there's filing I need to do, he insists on knowing what I've done. He has never given up control of the incoming money. I have a sheet started where he can record what checks he has coming in from IRA's, pension, and dividends. The attorney has said that will be fine. But he cashes the majority of the checks and only puts enough cash in his checking account to pay the bills. I cannot account for where the money goes other than what he deposits. I think he is stockpiling money (again) and will not let me have access to it - he keeps his cash locked up. He still pays his bills out of his own checking account that the court has allowed him to have. I only pay for his caregivers and his quarterly taxes out of the conservatorship account. Initially, he wanted me to bring the checkbook to his house to pay these bills so he could check my work but I politely told him 'no'. I do that on my own time. He did not want the guardianship/conservatorship and complains about it all the time. But it is needed. He doesn't spend money on what he should for his care.
How do people develop patience? I haven't done very well with this lately. I can see faster ways to do things and I just want to get it done. He insists on taking the longest way to get things done because his brain just doesn't work like it used to. He is a control freak (never was growing up). He is very frail. I try and try to work with him. That's all he really wants but I get so impatient. I know you will all tell me to take the money part away from him but this would result in a MAJOR meltdown that I don't want to put either of us through (last year when I tried to take the car keys away, it was police, handcuffs, and 5 days in the hospital labeled as a combative patient). I don't want to go through that again.
*Be glad your not cleaning crap off walls, having staff quit because he slugged them or dealing with a more advanced stage like no longer being able to speak. In other words try hard to recognize positives rather than all negatives.
Work with his abilities not against.
* Yes, take over the finances asap. Check with the attorney to see if it's ok first. Things might not be ugly with them yet but eventually they will be. If it's a battle, to bad.
Get him declared incompitant. Take to hospital for testing. They will test all different skills (i.e driving, mental health abilities, etc.) This is when Dad didn't pass level 1 of 3 for driving and was declared incapable of making sound financial or medical decisions. Wont make any easier to get control of it from your father but it simply needs done.
* Be glad you don't have split poa like I do with my brother. 50/50 on everything. He lives far far away. I do all the work. Also, be happy you still can work. I, as did Thousands of others have had to quit my job and have Zero money coming in for the work I do with him. My brother wont let Dad pay me because Hes my Dad and I should do it for free. 🤬 my brothers a millionaire btw.
*Remember, his brain is broken and breaking more each day. He is slowly vanishing. He needs your help now more than You did from him as a child.
*This is a phase and will pass.
If you haven't already, study up on what's to come. Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. Shes fantastic at teaching how to work with dementia patients! I worship her. Surprises are not wanted with dementia.
*Your personal time will continue to be limited. Enjoy the time you have left with him. Figure how to. He cant.
Good Wishes, hang in there and bring in more pro's as needed. You didn't sign up for this most likely.
Peace and hugs dear one.
Jenny
Do you think that your father could be deliberately making things take a long time so that he gets your company for longer? It gives a different slant to things if someone else’s company could take the pressure off.
www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/akbxho/words_of_reassurance_left_for_an_elderly_lady/
At this moment we've been considering swapping a family member's keys with ones that look the same or disabling the chip in their key so when they try it in the ignition, the car won't start. That's deceptive but they are not of the right mind to drive right now, and it is a danger to everyone if they are on the road.
I've heard that with dementia that paranoia is very common... We're starting to run into it already with a family member and it is totally hindering our ability to even get clear 411 so we may be having to talk directly with a doctor soon.
We have been starting to explore Teepa Snow to help us learn to talk with our ill family member. She's very compassionate and gives very good information and advice about caring for someone with dementia.