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I brought my mom to live with us several months ago. Along with her I also have her existing care giver come to my home while myself and my husband are at work. I have to continue to work now due to the added expenses. My mother has quite a healthy savings and some nice investments. At the present she has has a monthly income of $4,800 due to a loan I took from her to pay off our home in which We pay her $800 a month for the next 3 years. She will be loosing $2000 a month in April as my husband bought my father's business out when he retired. April 16th we will make our final payment to her. This will reduce her monthly income to apx $3,000. The problem is she pays apx $1,800 a month for her caregiver and resents that. In addition to that she is paying my brother's rent (he is 43, lived with my mom, never married and never paid her a dime) has a good job, healthy stocks and a fat 401K. MY brother is planning on retiring a millionaire by taking a monthly allowance from her. He is over 1/2 way there. My mother does contribute to my home by buying her share of the food. It is still costing us apx $450 a month in extra utilities and amenities. My mother is a fall risk and I am stressing, basically emotionally sick about leaving her alone. My mother does not want to use her assets or investments for care giving. I would rather completely support her by working rather than leave her alone. My daughter is getting ready to go to college and we exhausted most of our retirement money when I took a year and a half leave of absence from work to care for her apx 18 hours a day so my brother could work, sleep and go out. I have tried to explain to her that I have to recoup my losses and put my daughter through college and we are struggling with the business at current. We are going weeks without a paycheck in order to not lay off any of our emplyees, our health insurance just increased to $2,500 a month and things are just really tough right now. This just creates the guilt trip she puts on me when she tells me I am throwing it in her face. I know she can't be left alone but, I have to work point blank as we just don't have enough money to save and support her in the lifestyle she is accustomed too. I am beside myself and just don't know how to make her understand this. My brother only comes around at allowance time and my mom feels it is me that should make the sacrifice as I have a husband who works and can support the situation and my brother is single and without a wife and kids. The problem my husband can no longer support their situation or financial agreement. B How do I get her to understand that she may have to begin to draw from her investments for the caregiver? JFTR she is 100% mentally competent. I know if I put her in ALF it will end our relationship or for lack of better words...make my life a living hell! My mother does not understand what it is like to struggle. I am having nightmares about her falling and my stress levels are like nothing I have ever felt.

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It sounds like her not wanting to spend her assets or investments on her care is at your expense instead instead. If she has the resources to pay for her care, she needs to to that vs enriching your brother.
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Dear Kaybee, caregiving is tough. Parents are tough. You put yourself in the middle trying to do the right thing but have only grief and stress. Time to reassess the situation. You may be a financial planner but you cannot plan your mother's (or brother's) money. It's their money and they have an agreement that's not your business. Your business is taking care of You and children and hubby first. Stop trying to make Mom change. Make a list of Pros and Cons then decide what you can do and cant do. Your mental and emotional health is important if you want to be there for your kids. Just put the ball back in Mom's court. Let her make her decisions. Let her know if she needs help you will help her get it through whatever services are out there. Let her decide. Be firm about it. She needs a caregiver and it can't be you. Assisted Living can be great. Take time to research what's available and visit the sites. She can have her own place with privacy but someone else cooks and cleans. You will have peace of mind knowing help is always there. Glad your hubby supports your ideas but it is costing you and hubby and kids. Let go. Get help. Get help to Let go.
H
P.S. anyone in the family want to take over? And when they backpeddle, tell them to be quiet, then.
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I know it is a difficult decision but if an elder has the financial means, assisted living is an excellent alternative to driving the rest of the family into an early grave.

If the elder is of sound enough mind and refuses to use their assets for their own care, then their worn out caregiving family members must consider the difficult step of standing down. That is, making themselves no longer available for total care of the elder.

Sometimes, only after the elder of ample resources realizes the free family caregiving option no longer exists, will they be willing to liquidate assets for assisted living arrangements.

The process of liquidating and reorganizing assets to use for the elder's care can be daunting and overwhelming. The elder and their caregivers will need help and advice from experts.

I've been through all this. It was a painful decision to make. Care of my mother consumed my very existence, my finances, and my health. But once I realized the options that were available for her and for myself, it turned out for the best. My mom despite her strong resistance, is doing quite well and is very happy at her assisted living and I have regained my life and health.
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Sorry for all the typos....you mean your bother and your mom need to go to couples counseling? Yes, it sounds quite incestuous. We've got a situation like this in my extended family...some families infantalize a child they feel they've wronged in some way and do them the terrible disservice of never allowing them to fly.

What YOU need to do is get yourself strong enough to say "no" to your mother so that you can begin to take care of you and yours! Be well!
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Thank you Babalou. I am going to speak to a councelor. Just wish they would go to couples counseling or something. Lol. Have a great day!
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Put your name (kaybee68) into the search site nox in the upper right hand corner and you'll be able to see your previous posts. This I can tell you for free: you should have a caregiver agreement in place written by an eldercare attorney so that your mother is paying you room,board and for your caregiving. This needs to be Medicaid compliant. This is in addition to whatever othwr caregivwr she is paying. Your brother maybe blowinv smoke about his investments and your mom may know the truth about that. She may need to set up a special needs trust for him. And yes , see a therapist.
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Thank you all for your input. Babalou I
Looked all day for my original post and couldn't find it. Time flys and you don't realize how long ago it was. I agree with all of you. As for the business we have paid her $500! A week for thirteen years. This debt will be paid in full by the 2ond week in April. I do not act like she is penniless because she is not. Though she spent most of the money we gave her she still has a few investments and a substantial savings account. Apx. A 1/4 million. I myself, am an Financial Advisor and my brother won't let me help him because of course, he doesn't want us to know exactly how much he has, though we know by little hint's he gives like my stocks just split, 10 more years I will retire a millionaire. My mother is beginning to harp on him as she knows the truth but, just worries unnessesariky about him. He doesn't want to live with her and that will never happen. He is free and that is what I told her when she said we abandoned him. My mom and I have a great relationship outside of the financial aspect and as long as I shut my mouth about my brother. Lol The Angst builds when she says things like I wish I could pay you back some of the money I cost you or contribute more but, I have to watch my money now as I have to help your brother until he can take his stocks and retirement. Just say I have to watch my money without the constant justification or reasons. I don't want my mother's money..:my aggravation stems from the fact that she is just giving it away. If she should get real ill she needs that money for LTC as I am not physically able to lift her anymore. I am not able to afford my health insurance or medical bills from my neck and the new back injury I have sustained. 47 and my mother walks straighter than me. I can't get her to invest 1/2 of the money in her savings in a fixed product. So she gets little interest but, gets to see 6 figures on her savings statement every month: Making an appt. with a therapist.
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Babalou, I agree. With $.5M in investments, brother must have at least a good financial planner or has a good sense of how to invest wisely, while Kaybee is struggling financially and their mother is babying the brother. There's probably a whole history of this disproportionate relationship in the family going back decades.
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Thanks GA. I have a good friend with mild CP. She's a physician. If brother doesn't have a cognitive impairment ( and it doesn't sound like it), then this is one ofvthose extremely dysfunctional family situations which almost always require therapy to dig out of.
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Babalou, thanks for the alert to the past post. I followed up and did a bit of reading on that post, but stopped at Kaybee's comments:

"I am still ordered to prepare his dinner plate." Ordered???

"We all know that my mother's reasoning is to make sure the money is there for my brother, however he works full-time, drives a $40,000 sports car and has more money in stocks and 401k then all of us put together."

"My brother has close to a 1/2 million dollars invested and 24 years with his job."

"To make a long story short I know I my decision to stop enabling will permanently sever my relationship with my mother. I guess I am prepared at this point to take that risk in order to regain my life."

After reading this, I completely agree with Babalou's advice. Posters here can tell you that you need to address the enabling and sacrificial aspects, but only you can get therapy and help for these issues.

Your brother has it made. With all the money he's got, why doesn't your mother go to live with him?

For anyone else who wants to read the backstory:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/mom-needs-247-assisted-living-169827.htm
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Kaybee68, make a list of all the things you do for your Mom, write down everything.... now cross off half of the items on the list.... now cross off some more. And don't budge from that list by going back to doing certain things.

If your Mother complains this isn't getting done or that, just tell her sorry you just don't have the energy. And ask her what does she suggest?

Since your Mom is of clear mind, and she refuses to dust off the wallet to hire someone to come in to help, so be it. She made her decision so she will need to take full responsibility of her decision. If she falls, that was her choice not to have anyone there to help her. She stays on the floor until your husband gets home because you can't pick her up due to your back injury, or she/you calls 911.

Try not to let her guilt you into quitting your job. Your job is not just a paycheck but a place to go for you own sanity. I refused to quit my job when my parents hinted that I quit. I told Dad I didn't have enough saved for retirement because I was from the era where women got paid less, so it will take me more years to catch up to what he has in retirement.
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She is far from broke if your husband just bought the business. That sale would have generated a large nest egg. Put it to good use and stop pretending she is penniless.
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Find a therapist and find answers.

Stop thinking in terms of "sacrifice" and "guilt".

Think in terms of "I have children and need to take care of them".

Your mother has resources and you can make a plan for her and not do the hands on caregiving.
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Elderly Mom with NPH needs 24/7 assisted living.

This is what you posted back in 2014, unless there was someone else with the same "handle"


My 76 yr old mother has been diagnosed with NPH. My brother who lives with her and I took care of her 24/7 for 6 mos before surgery. We hired a part-time nurse as he works crazy hours with grave yard shifts and and a different schedule each week. I would go down at 2 am to relieve him, stay evening when he was working. I have POA so I was responsible for all bills, banking, doctors and errands. I also have a husband, 3 children and had to take a 5 mo LOA from work which affected my family and our financial situation gravely. My mom has had a shunt and is now walking, her cognitive skills are back, but she still needs care. She refuses assisted living and is so worried about my brother having to become independent. I have to go back to work and resume my life as I have basically had absolutely no life. I herniated a cervical disk lifting her (I am 120 pounds soaking wet). I need surgery as the disk is pushing on my spinal cord and I have lost feeling in my right arm and am in severe pain. Back at work until surgery, but still running back and forth like a ham pater in a cage. I am exhausted. My mother is financially comfortable and a bit more. The problem??? She refuses to spend that money for her care. I understand her fears and I have done everything to keep her out of assisted living, keep her in her home, my brother employed and in the home. She says she feels terrible that she is doing this to her children, but again refuses to pay for full-time nurses and/or assisted living. Her home is 3 bdrm, 2 ba and a pool. Too much for her and until I was injured I was cleaning it, cooking, hired a lawn service to cut the grass and my husband had to take on becoming Mr. Mom at our home while running a business. I missed all my daughter's award ceremonies at school this year, doctor's appts, family gatherings and every event I needed to attend. I am lucky to have the husband I have to step up, but we know it has to stop. I need some of my life back as this is physically and emotionally killing me just to make their lives what they want. I know I have gone over, above and beyond for my mom and my brother, but the guilt overcomes me. My mom and my brother are going to have to sacrifice now. He is 41 and she needs to cut the cord and they both need to realize that I need to have some kind of life too.
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Hi Babalou, I do not recall being on this forum back in June "14", however; she was talking about buying him a house and going to assisted living. As for the irrevocable trust, my mom refuses to put her money in a trust. Anyhow, none of that happened. My brother is in an apartment which she does pay for every month. As for therapy, I agree with you on that. Why do I forsake myself and my emotional and financial wellbeing for her? The answer is I really don't know. Maybe, the guilt trips, the fact that she raised me for 18 years and was a great mom, and that one of the most important factors is I love my mother. I know she loves me immensely it just the issue of my my brother an her inability to cut the cord or should I say give up the control she has over him. Already, family members are not speaking to them as they do not agree with the situation. I try to remain neutral and keep the family together. My husband is very supportive of me. He does get frustrated and says he can't understand why people feel entitled to live for free or nearly free but, in the next breath says he wasn't there when his mom died and that I would live with the regret and guilt he lives with everyday if I moved her out. He says keep doing what you feel is the right thing and not what everyone else feels is right eg. family & friends. He tells me we will get through this emotionally and financially. I am the only one left in the family that will stand up to her. We have have had it out on many occasions regarding her hand outs to my brother and the fact that he contributes nothing unless he is getting something in return. Several family members still speak to me and love me dearly but, refuse to speak to my mom and my brother at all. In that, they refuse to come for the holidays and do not respond to cards and gifts from my mom anymore. So my holiday large gatherings are no more. It is just us now. They are all just done. One family member has requested he be removed From the estate as he wants nothing to do with them. My mom was going to remove him anyway, but I told her to really think about that she would be going against my dad's final wishes. I just can't tolerate the spiteful actions. It is sad and breaks my heart. Of course, my mother and brother do not understand and are now angry in return and have written them off. Who is right and who is wrong here? Two wrongs don't make a right! I love my family, all of them. Where does that leave me stuck in the middle:( :(
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Back in June 2014, you told us mom was putting her money into an irrevocable trust for your brother, buying him a house and moving to assisted living. Did that not happen?

Adults determine who lives in their home and what the rent will be. If this situation has still not been resolved since 2014, you need to go see a therapist to figure out why you allow your mother to abuse you and some techniques for not allowing that to happen any longer.
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