How to address Mom letting the caregiver go?

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I brought my mom to live with us several months ago. Along with her I also have her existing care giver come to my home while myself and my husband are at work. I have to continue to work now due to the added expenses. My mother has quite a healthy savings and some nice investments. At the present she has has a monthly income of $4,800 due to a loan I took from her to pay off our home in which We pay her $800 a month for the next 3 years. She will be loosing $2000 a month in April as my husband bought my father's business out when he retired. April 16th we will make our final payment to her. This will reduce her monthly income to apx $3,000. The problem is she pays apx $1,800 a month for her caregiver and resents that. In addition to that she is paying my brother's rent (he is 43, lived with my mom, never married and never paid her a dime) has a good job, healthy stocks and a fat 401K. MY brother is planning on retiring a millionaire by taking a monthly allowance from her. He is over 1/2 way there. My mother does contribute to my home by buying her share of the food. It is still costing us apx $450 a month in extra utilities and amenities. My mother is a fall risk and I am stressing, basically emotionally sick about leaving her alone. My mother does not want to use her assets or investments for care giving. I would rather completely support her by working rather than leave her alone. My daughter is getting ready to go to college and we exhausted most of our retirement money when I took a year and a half leave of absence from work to care for her apx 18 hours a day so my brother could work, sleep and go out. I have tried to explain to her that I have to recoup my losses and put my daughter through college and we are struggling with the business at current. We are going weeks without a paycheck in order to not lay off any of our emplyees, our health insurance just increased to $2,500 a month and things are just really tough right now. This just creates the guilt trip she puts on me when she tells me I am throwing it in her face. I know she can't be left alone but, I have to work point blank as we just don't have enough money to save and support her in the lifestyle she is accustomed too. I am beside myself and just don't know how to make her understand this. My brother only comes around at allowance time and my mom feels it is me that should make the sacrifice as I have a husband who works and can support the situation and my brother is single and without a wife and kids. The problem my husband can no longer support their situation or financial agreement. B How do I get her to understand that she may have to begin to draw from her investments for the caregiver? JFTR she is 100% mentally competent. I know if I put her in ALF it will end our relationship or for lack of better words...make my life a living hell! My mother does not understand what it is like to struggle. I am having nightmares about her falling and my stress levels are like nothing I have ever felt.

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It sounds like her not wanting to spend her assets or investments on her care is at your expense instead instead. If she has the resources to pay for her care, she needs to to that vs enriching your brother.
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Dear Kaybee, caregiving is tough. Parents are tough. You put yourself in the middle trying to do the right thing but have only grief and stress. Time to reassess the situation. You may be a financial planner but you cannot plan your mother's (or brother's) money. It's their money and they have an agreement that's not your business. Your business is taking care of You and children and hubby first. Stop trying to make Mom change. Make a list of Pros and Cons then decide what you can do and cant do. Your mental and emotional health is important if you want to be there for your kids. Just put the ball back in Mom's court. Let her make her decisions. Let her know if she needs help you will help her get it through whatever services are out there. Let her decide. Be firm about it. She needs a caregiver and it can't be you. Assisted Living can be great. Take time to research what's available and visit the sites. She can have her own place with privacy but someone else cooks and cleans. You will have peace of mind knowing help is always there. Glad your hubby supports your ideas but it is costing you and hubby and kids. Let go. Get help. Get help to Let go.
H
P.S. anyone in the family want to take over? And when they backpeddle, tell them to be quiet, then.
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I know it is a difficult decision but if an elder has the financial means, assisted living is an excellent alternative to driving the rest of the family into an early grave.

If the elder is of sound enough mind and refuses to use their assets for their own care, then their worn out caregiving family members must consider the difficult step of standing down. That is, making themselves no longer available for total care of the elder.

Sometimes, only after the elder of ample resources realizes the free family caregiving option no longer exists, will they be willing to liquidate assets for assisted living arrangements.

The process of liquidating and reorganizing assets to use for the elder's care can be daunting and overwhelming. The elder and their caregivers will need help and advice from experts.

I've been through all this. It was a painful decision to make. Care of my mother consumed my very existence, my finances, and my health. But once I realized the options that were available for her and for myself, it turned out for the best. My mom despite her strong resistance, is doing quite well and is very happy at her assisted living and I have regained my life and health.
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Sorry for all the typos....you mean your bother and your mom need to go to couples counseling? Yes, it sounds quite incestuous. We've got a situation like this in my extended family...some families infantalize a child they feel they've wronged in some way and do them the terrible disservice of never allowing them to fly.

What YOU need to do is get yourself strong enough to say "no" to your mother so that you can begin to take care of you and yours! Be well!
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Thank you Babalou. I am going to speak to a councelor. Just wish they would go to couples counseling or something. Lol. Have a great day!
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Put your name (kaybee68) into the search site nox in the upper right hand corner and you'll be able to see your previous posts. This I can tell you for free: you should have a caregiver agreement in place written by an eldercare attorney so that your mother is paying you room,board and for your caregiving. This needs to be Medicaid compliant. This is in addition to whatever othwr caregivwr she is paying. Your brother maybe blowinv smoke about his investments and your mom may know the truth about that. She may need to set up a special needs trust for him. And yes , see a therapist.
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Thank you all for your input. Babalou I
Looked all day for my original post and couldn't find it. Time flys and you don't realize how long ago it was. I agree with all of you. As for the business we have paid her $500! A week for thirteen years. This debt will be paid in full by the 2ond week in April. I do not act like she is penniless because she is not. Though she spent most of the money we gave her she still has a few investments and a substantial savings account. Apx. A 1/4 million. I myself, am an Financial Advisor and my brother won't let me help him because of course, he doesn't want us to know exactly how much he has, though we know by little hint's he gives like my stocks just split, 10 more years I will retire a millionaire. My mother is beginning to harp on him as she knows the truth but, just worries unnessesariky about him. He doesn't want to live with her and that will never happen. He is free and that is what I told her when she said we abandoned him. My mom and I have a great relationship outside of the financial aspect and as long as I shut my mouth about my brother. Lol The Angst builds when she says things like I wish I could pay you back some of the money I cost you or contribute more but, I have to watch my money now as I have to help your brother until he can take his stocks and retirement. Just say I have to watch my money without the constant justification or reasons. I don't want my mother's money..:my aggravation stems from the fact that she is just giving it away. If she should get real ill she needs that money for LTC as I am not physically able to lift her anymore. I am not able to afford my health insurance or medical bills from my neck and the new back injury I have sustained. 47 and my mother walks straighter than me. I can't get her to invest 1/2 of the money in her savings in a fixed product. So she gets little interest but, gets to see 6 figures on her savings statement every month: Making an appt. with a therapist.
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Babalou, I agree. With $.5M in investments, brother must have at least a good financial planner or has a good sense of how to invest wisely, while Kaybee is struggling financially and their mother is babying the brother. There's probably a whole history of this disproportionate relationship in the family going back decades.
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Thanks GA. I have a good friend with mild CP. She's a physician. If brother doesn't have a cognitive impairment ( and it doesn't sound like it), then this is one ofvthose extremely dysfunctional family situations which almost always require therapy to dig out of.
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Babalou, thanks for the alert to the past post. I followed up and did a bit of reading on that post, but stopped at Kaybee's comments:

"I am still ordered to prepare his dinner plate." Ordered???

"We all know that my mother's reasoning is to make sure the money is there for my brother, however he works full-time, drives a $40,000 sports car and has more money in stocks and 401k then all of us put together."

"My brother has close to a 1/2 million dollars invested and 24 years with his job."

"To make a long story short I know I my decision to stop enabling will permanently sever my relationship with my mother. I guess I am prepared at this point to take that risk in order to regain my life."

After reading this, I completely agree with Babalou's advice. Posters here can tell you that you need to address the enabling and sacrificial aspects, but only you can get therapy and help for these issues.

Your brother has it made. With all the money he's got, why doesn't your mother go to live with him?

For anyone else who wants to read the backstory:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/mom-needs-247-assisted-living-169827.htm
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