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He will not consider assisted living. I have suffered two rounds of cancer and my husband has had a massive heart attack in the last 2 years. We are only 50 years old. Our last child just left for college and we would like to have something that resembles a life. We have spent the last 10 years taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's along with my father who has repeated episodes ending up in the emergency room excetera. We did not sign up for this. My father has been paying for long term care insurance for 25 years yet he refuses to consider assisted living. He insists he doesn't need any help not realizing we have been doing everything for him at the expense of our owm lives for years now. He has crashed his car twice in the last month. This man needs help and we are going to get out and save ourselves. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news to him? this is a man who lives in California where there is a frighteni, he is the only person in the neighborhood whos half acre lawn is is emerald he called asked if his remote control stops working everything is an emergency and he expects my husband to come running please help.

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What kind of impairment does your father have that takes him to ER?

In any case, you did not sign up for everlasting caregiver duty. You are certainly entitled to move away. Since your father has the resources available for other help, feel free to leave whether he allows you to help him make other arrangements or not.

I guess I'd just try plain English. "Dad, Hubby and I are moving out of state as soon as we finalize some details. It will probably be shortly after the first of the year. We are both going to be very busy until then, but if there are some things you'd like us to help arrange for you, we'll make the time to do it."

Cut back on the help you provide, to get him used to doing without you, and (maybe?) perhaps help him realize that he does need some help. I would not nag or plead or coax him about assisted living. You've talked about it before. He has the insurance. Let him figure it out, until he asks.

I would contact his doctor with a note saying Dad has been relying on you more than he admits even to himself, and that you are leaving the state soon.

You are only 50 years old. You deserve to enjoy your empty nest and live your lives in a way that pleases you.
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finished, has your Dad visited any of the independent living or assisted living facilities? If he refuses to go, people from his age group still think such places are asylums, therefore they wouldn't think of setting foot into one.

Some facilities have free lunches for visitors to help introduce them to the place. That is one way to get your Dad to look at the place. Heavens, he might even see someone he knows from the past living there :)

As Jeanne above had mentioned, cut back on what you do to help him. Teach him to identify the appliances around the house and what they are for... and how to use each one. Let him do his own laundry, vacuum his own rugs, clean his own bathroom [ok, maybe that won't happen], and how to fix his own sandwich.
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Excuse me I just lost my mom and maybe look at things differently.when you were young did your dad say go do things on your own or did your dad help you.I think its selfish of both of you to think of yourselves.I wish I had my mom still here to do things for.
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Hi there. Jeanne Gibbes, the first commenter, gave great advice. I would just add to it that I have been caretaking my elderly (92-year-old) aunt for 2-3 years, and it got to where I am still young (51 years old) and my husband retired and we want to have a life, so we did just move out of state. She was already in a nursing home. I discussed this at length with her psychologist and everyone decided I wouldn't ever tell her at all. She has dementia with delusions and she would never figure out on her own. She won't even realize that I'm not visiting as much. Besides, my visits upset her as she does not understand she has dementia and thinks I've just put her in the nursing home, sold her house and car, for no reason at all so she's quite verbally abusive towards me. The sentiment from the staff at the nursing home was exactly this: "No one knows how much time they have. Go live life". She is being well-taken care of and is safe. Your father ultimately will find himself in a situation where he is in a home or at least assisted living. It may not be easy getting there. A word to the wise about hiring a geriatric care manager to oversee your dad's care, i.e. be your "eyes and ears" for you while you live out of state. I tried this with my aunt but sadly this accredited person tried to actually swindle me, submitting a false bill to me for $1100+ dollars. I was on the ball, questioned it and she admitted I did not owe anything. I didn't even want to try another geriatric care manager after that experience, and also reported her company. However, they do exist -- geriatric care manager. I would go on the professional organization's website for this BUT still buyer beware as I found mine on one of these sites. I believe they are still referring her. Ask for recommendations from existing clients. This woman did not provide recommendations when I asked, so that should have been a red flag. Good luck! You are doing the right thing!
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Follow Jeannegibbs' advice! Go ahead and live your lives!

Best wishes!
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Scottdenny, so sorry for your loss. But, these two people are having major health problems and it could be partly from stress. They r only in their 50s. I agree with cutting back on what u do. Does he show sighs of Dementia? If so, I would follow this up with DMV sighting the fact that this could have caused the accidents. They may revoke his license. If so, take the car away. Have him evaluated. From that evaluation make plans. Maybe u can sit him down with you and his doctor and explain that your health no longer will allow you to help him. That he needs to go to an AL where they can help him with what you just can't do anymore. Have ur research done so u have a few places to show him. Once u can place him and he has adjusted, then u can tell him ur leaving. Unless you have family that can help, I wouldn't leave him high and dry. Believe me, I know how you feel. I feel like all my decisions have been based on that I have someone who may need me. My siblings don't live nearby.
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You can go live your life but you will always regret it. Dedicate yourself to family and you will be greatly rewarded.
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You need to live your life. Your father has options that he's choosing not to use, because he has you and your husband meeting his every need. You don't owe your father your health or happiness. Offer to help him get set up with more care. If he doesn't take you up on it, well that's his choice. Good luck and enjoy yourselves!!
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I agree with getting his doctor and the DMV to help. Do you have power of attorney? You may be able to hire in-home help against his will. Keep in mind he may send the first few away. He does not have to like your decision. A parent who has dementia often has no clue how much help he needs.
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I have a feeling that I might always regret dedicating myself to my family - seeing as the great reward is that I'm broke and on my own. Still. My choice, I made it, and I'd hate to sound ungrateful.

I'm interested to know what your father thinks he's paid all those long term care insurance premiums for?

It's going to be a miserable conversation for you to embark on; but the fact is that you and your husband do not require your father's permission to make and pursue your own plans. And I suspect that your father is 'refusing to consider' AL because he thinks, correctly until now, that he can refuse. That is about to change.

Do the spade work: gather the information that your father will need about his options. Find out about waiting lists, timescales and so on. Make contact with services in his area, so that you can start him off on a good footing with named individuals. Then once you know what the choices are, he will be free to pick the one he most likes the look of (which can always be adapted, nothing is set in stone and he has nothing to fear) - and you and your husband will be free to relax in your empty nest, wherever you choose to make it.

On the other hand. If your father is 87 and you have reason to know that he is not likely to last as long as one might hope, absenting yourself completely at this point could be premature. You still shouldn't carry on with the status quo, because there are home truths for your father to face about the level of support he needs in daily life, and serious questions to ask about who should be providing it - not to mention who's paying. In that case, you might want to think about a half-way house, backing off from the hands-on caregiving but not missing out on his remaining time with you. Because that bit you won't be able to do later on.
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I encourage you to get involved in a Caregiver's support group...meanwhile, my "two cents worth" is to take care of yourselves first. You are only 50; facing your own health issues; launching kids. You can still care for your father from "afar" by checking in on him; enlisting help from other family members who may live nearby; and contact resources like the Department on Aging. When my mother and stepfather divorced at the age of 70 (long story that is irrelevant for this discussion); I cared for my mother (who has been disabled from a ruptured brain aneurysm for the past 20+ years). I did everything for her: got legal advice; counseling; she lived with me; lived in her own senior apartment for four years; then lived with me again for two more years (she reluctantly agreed to a care plan as a condition for living with me, which included attending an adult day services program for seniors 2-3 days per week, and we hired caregiving assistance from a senior care agency). Now, after failing health that resulted in falls, and a broken hip, she is residing in an assisted living facility. I have power of attorney for finances and health. She is slowly declining in her health and would love to be with me 24/7. However, I must work; and I still have a "life." It is vitally important to have healthy boundaries when it comes to caregiving, or it will literally kill you. Research shows the stress of caregiving results in early death for the caregiver due to health issues. My health and my husband and immediate family are my first priority. Caregiving is part of my life...not my entire life. If your father refuses help, this is his choice. If you think he may be a "vulnerable adult", contact your local Department of Social Services, Adult Protective Services, or your health department, which most have an Adult Evaluation and Review Services which assess for the needs of seniors and connects them with resources. Let your father's physician and professionals make the recommendations so it does not seem that you are trying to "force" your dad to do something against his will. He is an adult, and even if he needs help, needs to be treated with dignity and respect. It is hard to care for someone who is makes caregiving so difficult, but your dad's resistance is a display of his fight for independence, which is positive. He is trying to remain independent, but I am certain deep down inside, he knows he is losing his grip. It is very scary for the elder person, and for those around them. Hope this helps.
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Wow...only 50yrs old and you have gone thru all this! Yes, leave...go live your life!!! Tell you dad a head of time...give him at least 6 months to let it sink in. The good thing is that he has the resources to get help when he realizes he needs it! my uncle was 75yrs old when his wife died, he was adamant that he would NOT leave his house. After about 7 months he was ready for HELP! lol Goooood luck and get gooooing! The best....
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Very well said. Sorry though u find yourself broke. Its one thing to help but not at the expense of our futures. This may sound cold but its after of years of being "IT" to my parents and family. I did it out of love. I'm still "it" when it comes to Mom. I plan on using every cent she has for her care. I have made this clear to my brothers. There will be no inheritance unless she passes before its used up. If I don't get her placed in an AL facility, then it will go for respite care and aides. When she can no longer do for hersel and I don't have the physical strength, she will go to a nursing home. I will be there for her. Make sure she is taken care of but I will not sacrifice what is left of my life or go into debt to keep her in hers or my home when there r options. I feel I have done my part while others sit back and do nothing. So, do what you need to get your life back and stay healthy. Parents with dementia are in a different world. They don't reason. You have to now be firm and set limits.
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Just so u know where I'm coming from. My Mom was a good Mom. My parents lived from pay to pay raising 4 kids. My Dad worked shift work and she didn't drive. She sacrifced. My sister died so it leaves me and two brothers. Neither brother calls her regularly. One lives 30 min away and doesn't visit. The other lives 7 hrs away but may visit 2x a year. Now, he gets off a little because he raised my sisters boy till he was 18. But now I have responsibility of that nephew since he came to live with Mom. He has physical and neurological problems that I not Mom has to deal with. I will have that responsibility till I die. It gets overwhelming. So I take a deep breath and let God lead the way.
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He needs to go to a hospital or home where he will be taken care of. And you are not selfish for wanting a life. Ok, so he has the money to pay for it, that is not a problem. I guess the only problem is the guilt you may feel. This is easy to say but don't feel guilty or learn to deal with it. Maybe you can find someone to come over and check on him. Carry on and live your life. Blessings
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"Tell your truth and tell it quick. " Tell your father with love and compassion but don't waiver if your mind is made up. Let him see you making your plans and share with him your excitement of where you are going and what your plans are. Ask him at what age he might be planning to make a move himself. Tell him you know he isn't ready now, but while you are still near by, you will make time to help him find an appropriate long term facility for when he is ready. See if the facility will discuss how you can assist him from afar. Most would say he needs an advocate ( which I'm sure he does) and if you intend to do that from out of state discuss how that would work. This way you ( and he) can have a plan for the day he gets tired of managing alone. Also interview all the services you can such as home health, lawn care, home maintenance, realtor, etc so WHEN the call comes you have a name and number on hand. Visit his attorney with him to make sure he has all his paperwork in order. Perhaps the local police station to let them meet him and know how to reach you. Perhaps he would like a medical alert system for his upcoming transportation to the ER. Maybe express pay for his drugs. Perhaps a grocery delivery service or meals on wheels. If he has a spiritual network, let them know your plans. Also the neighbors might need to know that your husband won't be coming along to take care of things should they notice something amiss. Your intention is to make it as easy as possible for him to take care of himself in your absence. And also make it easier for you to handle things from afar. Discuss with him if he wants the same type funeral service as your mother had. If it's not prepaid then make a trip to the funeral home etc. I'm sure some of these things are already in place. My point is to make this as real for him as you possibly can. Tell him your plans for visiting him but make sure he realizes you may never see him again as all three of you are not well. Perhaps make a detailed list of things to put in order. Give him a copy and a schedule of when you plan to contact or visit the different places. So the conversation moves quickly from the news that you are leaving to the mechanics of what that will look like once you are gone. Take a video of his belongings and surroundings should you need to work with an estate management company from afar. Perhaps you have the projected date and place in writing for him so he can refer to it from time to time and know that his last requests need to be made soon. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and know that you both need a long rest to heal and recuperate. Somehow elderly parents ( not all) have a sense of entitlement that is childlike ( dementia?) and it's difficult to navigate and balance the needs of the entire family unit. Focus on the practical, the legal and the things that are real. Your father will pass. When is the question. As I told one of my siblings. Many live to 100. Not so many to 110. Good luck to all three of you.
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I think you two deserve to have a life. Dealing with cranky, controlling parents is HARD. Do your homework, do what you can for your father and move!!!! ScottDenny, I am sorry for your loss, but everyone's situation with their parents is so different. I have heard that "but they took care of you when you were young" argument until I'd like to scream! Not ALL Mothers lovingly devoted themselves to their kids. Many did the absolute minimum and we just sort of floundered through life. I don't OWE my mother anything other than the respect due an elder. I have given her back 1000xs what she gave me. I WISH I'd had a mother who was easy to love, I don't and many people would agree with me, even if it's only in their hearts, b/c to say your parent wasn't maybe the best--it's kind of taboo.
I am praying that my mother doesn't last a lot longer, She's miserable, she can hardly move, nobody visits her without me calling and guilting them into it....yes, she's cared for, but so lonely-- but she dug this pit. I was screamed at, had things thrown at me, told I was fat, dumb, stupid, a waste of space, too "expensive", worthless, the cause of all her problems--deal with THAT for 20 years and beyond and you get a tad callused. Whoa.....kinda went off topic. Basically, if my mother was holding me back from living my life at this point in my life.... wouldn't give her that much control.
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You certainly do have the right to leave and pursue your own life. My concern is that based on what you have posted, that your dad may not be in a position to use reason. What seems like a no brainer to us, may not be obvious to someone who has mental decline.You can give him the facts and the options, but if his brain is not able to process it, then he may not be able to sort it out and do the safe thing.

He's had two car accident in the last few months.......I would look closely at how he really is faring. It's quite common for people who need the assistance to resist it the most.

Unfortunately, if it isn't bad enough to be seen by his doctor, you may have to just leave, with proper notice of course, and wait for a crisis on his part. I think it's fair to expect another car accident, if he's still driving. I would strongly encourage an evaluation and one of his driving ability.

Another option is to hire someone to go into the home to help him.
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The problem with elders who can no longer drive, but insist they can, is that although they may cause damage to themselves and their vehicle--the greater fear is that they'll hurt somebody else!! My mother was determined to drive (and she had hit a LOT of things, but thank heavens, no person!)..after her hip replacement last year, my brother made her show him how she was going to maneuver the walker into the car, get in the car herself and then safely back out of the garage. She couldn't do any of those things. He took her keys, she fussed at him for months, but eventually dropped it. If she had gone to the DMV that's what they would have done. We were involved in a horrible car accident 29 years ago when a 90 yo driving on a suspended license pulled out of a stop sign in front of us on a busy highway. THANK GOD we all had seatbelts on. Me, my hubby and 5 little ones could all have been killed by one cranky selfish old man who felt it was his "right" to drive. Before you go, please have his skills evaluated.
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Perhaps you might consider finding an assisted living near (within driving distance) where you want to move? That way he can start cashing in on his LTC insurance and you can build a new routine and get that new life you want for yourselves. If he chooses to stay behind that's his choice but if he wants to go then he'll be in AL. Elders get very stubborn and irrational which makes them much more difficult to manage than children. I wish you lots of luck!
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First call Adult Protective Services, explain your circumstance, and have them evaluate him. Since he has LTC insurance, tell him you are leaving, and let the chips fall where they may. He will find out soon what you have been doing. You cannot force him to leave his home unless he has been deemed incompetent by a court. Thank you for taking care of him and your mother, and now it is time to care for yourselves. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and your father will have the same fate, but you have to live too!
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Get a caregiver through the state. One who is a qualified RN. NOT a CNA(Certified Nursing Assistantt)!!
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Finished, You already put in your dues and spent 10 long years caring for your parents at a time when your kids needed you most. Too bad your dad put you in this position. Many of our parents, mine included, don't get the help they need or make appropriate arrangements, until they fall or their condition worsens. No matter how much we do or where we live, the guilt and regret are feelings we try to manage and struggle to come to terms with.
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Well, if we all are lucky enough to have parents that live long enough, we TAKE CARE OF OUR LOVED ONES. Does your dad drink, thus the car crashes?
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Finished, we cannot take care of our parents unless we take care of ourselves first, as you have so unfortunately found out. So, plan the move carefully and take your time.
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Perhaps it's time for them to go into an AL. They should have been planning for this. No one stays 20 years old! My husband and I have planned for it when the time comes.
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As the "old parent", I would advise you to go. My dear husband is dying and will not live out the month. We lived in California and visited our daughter and family every year. Finally, 2 years ago, we realized we cannot "do it alone". We moved to their town, with their blessing. It involved moving half way across the country, but they are more than willing to help us. Your father must come to this decision by himself. You are not helping yourself by staying to be his caretaker. Move and do what YOU want to do. He will work it out since he seems to be running everything now, including your lives. Have a good time. You are too young to be staying there just to be a caretaker. This may sound harsh, but he has lived his life and now he is controlling yours. GO!!!!!
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countrymouse, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having financial problems, but I would trade the wealth we have...I am actually doing that because we are moving from a 7000 square foot mansion to a rustic hunting cabin on the River in Oregon...money does not buy happiness. We are not just running away we are running for our lives. Daddy has been financially taken care of, and will never have to worry. We will continue to fly in twice a month to visit... Maybe once a month. We would never go cold turkey on him but we are considering never mentioning that we are making the move. His dementia seems to increase exponentially with time. All my best to you in the future.
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I'm so relieved. A much better plan.
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Finished, only one concern from me. Are your children in college paying in state tuition? If so, they need to be eligible themselves or tuition will increase to out of state rates if you leave. Just a thought.
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