How do we tell my cranky Father (87) that we are moving out of state?

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He will not consider assisted living. I have suffered two rounds of cancer and my husband has had a massive heart attack in the last 2 years. We are only 50 years old. Our last child just left for college and we would like to have something that resembles a life. We have spent the last 10 years taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's along with my father who has repeated episodes ending up in the emergency room excetera. We did not sign up for this. My father has been paying for long term care insurance for 25 years yet he refuses to consider assisted living. He insists he doesn't need any help not realizing we have been doing everything for him at the expense of our owm lives for years now. He has crashed his car twice in the last month. This man needs help and we are going to get out and save ourselves. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news to him? this is a man who lives in California where there is a frighteni, he is the only person in the neighborhood whos half acre lawn is is emerald he called asked if his remote control stops working everything is an emergency and he expects my husband to come running please help.

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What kind of impairment does your father have that takes him to ER?

In any case, you did not sign up for everlasting caregiver duty. You are certainly entitled to move away. Since your father has the resources available for other help, feel free to leave whether he allows you to help him make other arrangements or not.

I guess I'd just try plain English. "Dad, Hubby and I are moving out of state as soon as we finalize some details. It will probably be shortly after the first of the year. We are both going to be very busy until then, but if there are some things you'd like us to help arrange for you, we'll make the time to do it."

Cut back on the help you provide, to get him used to doing without you, and (maybe?) perhaps help him realize that he does need some help. I would not nag or plead or coax him about assisted living. You've talked about it before. He has the insurance. Let him figure it out, until he asks.

I would contact his doctor with a note saying Dad has been relying on you more than he admits even to himself, and that you are leaving the state soon.

You are only 50 years old. You deserve to enjoy your empty nest and live your lives in a way that pleases you.
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As the "old parent", I would advise you to go. My dear husband is dying and will not live out the month. We lived in California and visited our daughter and family every year. Finally, 2 years ago, we realized we cannot "do it alone". We moved to their town, with their blessing. It involved moving half way across the country, but they are more than willing to help us. Your father must come to this decision by himself. You are not helping yourself by staying to be his caretaker. Move and do what YOU want to do. He will work it out since he seems to be running everything now, including your lives. Have a good time. You are too young to be staying there just to be a caretaker. This may sound harsh, but he has lived his life and now he is controlling yours. GO!!!!!
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finished, has your Dad visited any of the independent living or assisted living facilities? If he refuses to go, people from his age group still think such places are asylums, therefore they wouldn't think of setting foot into one.

Some facilities have free lunches for visitors to help introduce them to the place. That is one way to get your Dad to look at the place. Heavens, he might even see someone he knows from the past living there :)

As Jeanne above had mentioned, cut back on what you do to help him. Teach him to identify the appliances around the house and what they are for... and how to use each one. Let him do his own laundry, vacuum his own rugs, clean his own bathroom [ok, maybe that won't happen], and how to fix his own sandwich.
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Hi there. Jeanne Gibbes, the first commenter, gave great advice. I would just add to it that I have been caretaking my elderly (92-year-old) aunt for 2-3 years, and it got to where I am still young (51 years old) and my husband retired and we want to have a life, so we did just move out of state. She was already in a nursing home. I discussed this at length with her psychologist and everyone decided I wouldn't ever tell her at all. She has dementia with delusions and she would never figure out on her own. She won't even realize that I'm not visiting as much. Besides, my visits upset her as she does not understand she has dementia and thinks I've just put her in the nursing home, sold her house and car, for no reason at all so she's quite verbally abusive towards me. The sentiment from the staff at the nursing home was exactly this: "No one knows how much time they have. Go live life". She is being well-taken care of and is safe. Your father ultimately will find himself in a situation where he is in a home or at least assisted living. It may not be easy getting there. A word to the wise about hiring a geriatric care manager to oversee your dad's care, i.e. be your "eyes and ears" for you while you live out of state. I tried this with my aunt but sadly this accredited person tried to actually swindle me, submitting a false bill to me for $1100+ dollars. I was on the ball, questioned it and she admitted I did not owe anything. I didn't even want to try another geriatric care manager after that experience, and also reported her company. However, they do exist -- geriatric care manager. I would go on the professional organization's website for this BUT still buyer beware as I found mine on one of these sites. I believe they are still referring her. Ask for recommendations from existing clients. This woman did not provide recommendations when I asked, so that should have been a red flag. Good luck! You are doing the right thing!
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I think you two deserve to have a life. Dealing with cranky, controlling parents is HARD. Do your homework, do what you can for your father and move!!!! ScottDenny, I am sorry for your loss, but everyone's situation with their parents is so different. I have heard that "but they took care of you when you were young" argument until I'd like to scream! Not ALL Mothers lovingly devoted themselves to their kids. Many did the absolute minimum and we just sort of floundered through life. I don't OWE my mother anything other than the respect due an elder. I have given her back 1000xs what she gave me. I WISH I'd had a mother who was easy to love, I don't and many people would agree with me, even if it's only in their hearts, b/c to say your parent wasn't maybe the best--it's kind of taboo.
I am praying that my mother doesn't last a lot longer, She's miserable, she can hardly move, nobody visits her without me calling and guilting them into it....yes, she's cared for, but so lonely-- but she dug this pit. I was screamed at, had things thrown at me, told I was fat, dumb, stupid, a waste of space, too "expensive", worthless, the cause of all her problems--deal with THAT for 20 years and beyond and you get a tad callused. Whoa.....kinda went off topic. Basically, if my mother was holding me back from living my life at this point in my life.... wouldn't give her that much control.
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You need to live your life. Your father has options that he's choosing not to use, because he has you and your husband meeting his every need. You don't owe your father your health or happiness. Offer to help him get set up with more care. If he doesn't take you up on it, well that's his choice. Good luck and enjoy yourselves!!
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Why should finished not pursue a dream she and her husband have of living in the rustic cabin? Dad has resources, dad is choosing not to use them, thus letting the chips fall knowing finished will step in. Why does loving her dad mean that she has to deny her dream to have her and her husband be his daily drudge? She can love him by being up front with their plans, helping him set up what his daily life will look like - whether a move, or services, etc. and by remaining in contact with him and helping as she can. Why does loving a parent mean that the child has to sacrifice dreams, health, their lives vs using other support services to put together a community of help? There is no way I would want my son to kill a dream so that I can selfishly have him cut my grass because I can't be bothered to sign up a college kid for $20 a week. Go live your dream! Help your dad with the adjustment. L I V E
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The problem with elders who can no longer drive, but insist they can, is that although they may cause damage to themselves and their vehicle--the greater fear is that they'll hurt somebody else!! My mother was determined to drive (and she had hit a LOT of things, but thank heavens, no person!)..after her hip replacement last year, my brother made her show him how she was going to maneuver the walker into the car, get in the car herself and then safely back out of the garage. She couldn't do any of those things. He took her keys, she fussed at him for months, but eventually dropped it. If she had gone to the DMV that's what they would have done. We were involved in a horrible car accident 29 years ago when a 90 yo driving on a suspended license pulled out of a stop sign in front of us on a busy highway. THANK GOD we all had seatbelts on. Me, my hubby and 5 little ones could all have been killed by one cranky selfish old man who felt it was his "right" to drive. Before you go, please have his skills evaluated.
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Scottdenny, I too have suffered the loss of my mother and she was my best friend and also the most accomplished amazing human being I have ever met. It was my honor and my pleasure to be her caregiver for many years before her death from Alzheimer's so you should not assume you are the only person who has ever lost a beloved parent. parents should care for their children and not the opposite.That is what parents do. Why have children if you're not going to take care of them? My responsibility is to my children and Husband. If I allow my father with his dementia to destroy one more year of my life with my hubby, however, shame on me and then I deserve the cancer this stress has brought upon me also I deserve the grief I will experience when my husband has his next heart attack. We were both very healthy when my parents started to decline. My advice to you is to find somebody to love so that your sole purpose in life is not to care for your parents. I feel sure Your mom would want that for you. The very fact that you called me selfish tells me the odds of you finding a mate are slim to none. Make sure you let her know she's signing up for the caregiver program before it gets too serious.
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To all of you who responded to my pleas of desperation, God bless you it really means a lot to me to hear what the general consensus is out there and I have been receiving 99% support from this community to Kimber, gladimhere, Linda 22, life experiences, Rovana, and countless others as I struggle to navigate this website... Not a computer genius unfortunately... Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can report that my husband drove two states to see my dad yesterday and of course we have other business back home with our home on the market. I stayed back for my daughter's first day in college in our chosen state. Daddy is unable to dress himself anymore his house smells even though we have a cleaning service that comes in twice a month. He had an empty refrigerator, and what does my husband do but go buy him groceries. I understand the sentiment and my heart breaks for Daddy, but we have got to make a change. I am going to read all of your posts to my husband who I pray survives this time in his life so that we might have a few years together being somewhat healthy. The plan is to move into the cabin in three weeks. We will be one hour from our daughter... Our sons and their wives can take road trips to come and see us and we will visit daddy at least once a month even if it means getting on a plane to visit daddy but we are going to have the talk with him next time we see him. Your words gave me the strength to go forward with this. Daddy refused to let my mom go into assisted living, although we were taking care of her, I think he just didn't want to let her go, but they offered to let him stay with her overnight in this beautiful facility.his answer to the problem was to tell her to sit down and be quiet. we were lucky there was a wonderful facility willing to take her in on two days notice when she began falling and was unable to get up. Three months later she was dead, so many falls on the hardwood floor I'm sure caused internal bleeding. that is a testament to what his answer is for these problems. Not to deal with them at all... To make sure everyone else in the family has to deal with them. the question begs to be asked why did we pay well over $100,000 to long-term care insurance for everything to turn out like this. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt I guess.
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