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A toddler would not have taken my car keys and driven off only to be found 13 hours later in another state.

A toddler would not have taken a screwdriver and tried to take the lock off the gate that prevented him from "escaping".
A toddler would not then have taken a chair and tried to climb over said gate.

A toddler would not have figured out a way to open the garage door and walk to the store to get cookies. (by figured out I mean he opened my car door and pressed the button on the garage door remote to open the door)

A toddler would not have started the lawn mower and lowered the blade so that there was almost no grass left, then mowed the neighbors lawn, on the day after we moved into the house. (for 3-4 weeks I had to look at my neighbors scalped lawn whenever I looked out the window)

that is just a few of the interesting things I dealt with.
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RedVanAnnie Apr 2022
You certainly had your work cut out for you. You must constantly have been at your wit's end! Remembering your "stories" now gives you a lot of empathy and perspective. Do you look back on some of these episodes now with a degree of wry amusement?
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Healthy kids grow up and become less dependent.

Adults with dementia become more and more dependent as the disease worsens.

Think of both situations starting at the same point, but gradually moving away towards opposite poles.
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Same:
both can be irrational and moody
both take time and selfless energy
both are expensive
both will take advantage if you don’t set limits
both are longterm endeavors
both can break your heart

Different:
children aren’t in a state of perpetual worsening demented thinking
children are open-minded
children bring positive energy
children expand your world
children invite your inner child to come out
children provide comfort
children become more capable with each day
children can fill your heart
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TiredinTexas Apr 2022
And you can send a child to his/her room when you’ve had enough.
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Caregiving It is absolutely not the same except in name.
With children, they are tiring at times but there is rejoicing as they progress. With dementia there is mourning with each loss.
Children are inclined to listen, elders demand you listen to them.
Dementia patients often don’t know there is something wrong with them children are usually eager to learn and try.
Both try your patience and strength.
Children grow up and become independent as you age. Dementia patients require more and more and more as you age.
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Jane7686 Apr 2022
"With children, they are tiring at times but there is rejoicing as they progress. With dementia there is mourning with each loss."

Do not discount the physical toll of this. If you've ever lost a loved one, you know that those first days and weeks can be exhausting, because that is the nature of grief. But when caring for a LO with dementia, you are experiencing that grief every day. For years on end. Even if you never realize it or put a name to it, it is happening. And that is on top of the actual physical aspect of providing care.

I've got 5 kids and 3 granddaughters. I'm also the eldest daughter of a PITA old man with Parkinson's, who doesn't even have an "official" dementia diagnosis yet (but I know it's coming). 30 years of raising children/grandchildren was a cake walk compared to my father living with us for the past 3 years.
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The difference between children and a loved one with dementia is that one is declining mentally and emotionally, while the other is growing and developing deeper awareness and understanding. As a caregiver for your mother, you are experiencing (possibly): emotional stress due to depression, verbal abuse, and physical exhaustion. In my opinion it’s a much deeper sacrifice than childrearing. As a caretaker for mom, you try to care for a loved one expecting little to no personal reward for your efforts. With (young) children you get the joy of their impulsive and uninhibited love and hugs, with older kids their desire to understand life with your loving guidance. Way different - unless perhaps you have a child with a mental illness.
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Kids can be a pain also.

We have a tendency to forget that when they were babies, we had no energy left. We have a tendency to forget all the angst and appointments that had to be rearranged because we could not find babysitters. I never had a spotless house as I worked full-time (plus some) and didn't have a housekeeper or nanny. I remember my days of depression when my teenager just couldn't get "it" together. I remember the times that I had to take my toddler with me to work because there was no one to take care of them during school holidays. I remember the anxiety that I went through as I told my boss I couldn't go to work because my toddler was sick and I was forced to take vacation days. I remember being scared of my child being abducted if I wasn't there at all times.

When one decides to have kids (notice the fact that this assumes that one has a choice in the matter), they generally have made up their mind to make the necessary sacrifices and do the mental gymnastics for the next 18 years.

It isn't easy with a child and it isn't easy with an elderly person, however, I'm not sure that one is any worse than the other. It is just.....different.
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Natasana Apr 2022
You hit the nail on the head when you wrote that typically we have made a choice to have children. For me I had ample time to joyfully anticipate and prepare for my child's arrival. Not so with a parent with dementia: this was more like an overwhelming sense of dread. I haven't ever heard of congratulations on becoming a caregiver, lol.
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I would care for multiple children over seniors any day. I have always loved the joy and energy of children, had four of my own and kept my six grandchildren. My career of 38 years was at a children's hospital.

Seniors are exhausting, irritable, argumentative. You cannot make them even do the minimal to take care of themselves. The toilet issues are disgusting and cannot compare with the care of your own child.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
I agree with you InFamilyService and I've been in homecare mostly for elders for almost 25 years. The money was good when I went private so I stayed in it.
I can say from experience changing an elderly person's diaper or pull-up is nothing like changing a baby. I'd rather change ten babies.
You know little kids get so excited when they're going to give an adult a gift. It could be something they make in school or something but they are so happy when they think they're making an adult happy. Not so with the elderly. They may tolerate a person having a bit of joy and not ruin it for them, but it doesn't please them in any way. Of course I'm not talking about all old people. Most of the old people I ever knew were like this though.
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I've never had to lift a toddler that weighed more than me.
I've never had to deal with a toddler who literally KNEW how to drive a car and is living in a time period of being in their 30's for brief moments.
I've never had a toddler repeatedly bring up griefs of the past

Dementia? the erasure of skills, abilities, and control
Toddlers? the learning of skills, abilities, and control.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
Cashew,

That's a good point about no toddler ever bringing up griefs of the past.
Funny how dementia works sometimes. They can often recall a person's most embarrassing, humiliating, and worst of your life with stunning accuracy yet can't remember their own address or how to use a toilet.
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Oh the adorably messy babies in high chairs..

Now they cook meals for themselves.

The strong-willed toddlers that stamped their feet & yelled.

Chose what to study & what job. Earned money & moved out.

Sorry.. I am not really comparing well am I 😜
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You can reason with a toddler; you cannot with a dementia patient. Toddlers grow up; dementia patients decline until death.
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Children learn good habits, old people with dementia forget the good habits. Children look forward to move away from you and be independent. Old people with dementia want to go back to the womb.
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There's actual joy in taking care of children. They grow and learn. When you're taking care of an elderly person it just gets worse with each passing day.
Kids have tantrums and act up and get fussy but they don't bring you down. Kids aren't negative, hopeless, and miserable.
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Beatty Apr 2022
Even when they are cross at you.. When they write *I hat uu* on a scape of paper & scrunch it up & run at you with it.. still so cute & a joy 😂😂😂
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Children have limited legal rights as your dependant until they reach the age of majority. You can help form/inform children as they grow and become adults.

On the other hand, the elderly have already gained their legal rights and independence. It is much harder to have those same rights stripped and go back to being another person's dependent. Not only because of the time, cost, and money that it takes to do so, BUT because the elderly fight the process the whole time!! And if those rights aren't stripped, they take precedence over everything else -- even safety.

Love, and as a parent's commitment to raising a child, will get you through many difficult times with a child. Love and commitment will not do the same for a person taking care of someone with dementia.
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Cappuccino42 Apr 2022
I very much like the last paragraph, that rings true very much
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To add to this, people in general smile at a baby. They tend to enjoy them.

Old people usually get the opposite reaction, especially as they age. They don’t even like being around each other, because even to them, it is depressing.
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While the demands of feeding, dressing, bathing, diapering, supervising, etc., may sound the same, there are critical physical differences such as size and strength.

As others have mentioned, with children you celebrate new achievements. With elders, you mourn loss of abilities.

Having done both both at once (advanced dementia mother now 97, have 3 teens) the biggest hurdle I faced was probably attitude. My children seemed typical (they argued with me, and amongst themselves) but were generally cooperative and afforded me some respect. My mother, in complete denial of her own cognitive decline, was uncooperative, insulting, miserable, combative, self-absorbed and demanding.

I found it much easier to redirect a temper tantrum from a tired, hungry, hot, cold, uncomfortable, disappointed, frustrated toddler, than from a defiant parent who was certain she was entitled to tell me off and get her way every time because she was the ruling matriarch and I was just her know-nothing daughter.
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Cappuccino42 Apr 2022
Good detail there thank you and those things you describe are exactly what I’m dealing with mum
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I had a home day care with 8 kids at a time, up to 12 hours a day, mostly infants & toddlers. No comparison.
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Caring for kids is rewarding because kids are growing up and getting better year after year. Caring for old person with dementia, is frustrating because it's the reverse process. Getting worse year after year.
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It is not the same. I look at this not only from a physical standpoint but from a spiritual one as well. The parent and child relationship grows towards separation that begins after the birthing process. The child continues to grow physically and mentally. They eventually grow up and leave the nest.

Older adults go in the opposite direction. There was an old saying; once a man, twice a child. They grow more frail, weaker and will eventually require tremendous amounts of care. It is a hard thing to watch a parent go from a healthy and functioning adult to someone who you now have to help dress, feed and toilet. Unfortunately, it doesn't get better. Those combative years in dementia can last a couple of years until finally they give up the struggle and succumb to their condition. Some seniors get extremely frustrated and fight their fate of impending death. These are their twilight years and some of them finally accept the fact that they are approaching their death.

It is a natural process and the progression of the disease.

So no, don't let the experience you are having with your loved one deter you from wanting children. I was your age when my mother died from cancer. I was blessed that her insurance paid for hospice and we had home health aides for both my sister and her. I had a disabled sister that I had to step in and provide care after mom died. I had one child and I made the mistake of not remarrying the right guy and having more children.

Look at this experience with your mom through another lense, and try to separate your life from your mom's life. See if you can get some respite care.
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Cappuccino42 Apr 2022
Thank you, that is very well said. These are all very reassuring to read
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Well, firstly "size matters".
Secondly, you can reason with a small child that has some language ability from the first they can learn to bargain. You can't with an elder.
Thirdly we come to the issue of HOPE. I cannot begin to say how many come to Forum hopeless, that being the worst part of it all. With a child there is nothing BUT hope. There is a whole life ahead, and whole future, for the child and for you. When it comes to caring for our elders it is loss upon loss upon loss, grief upon grief upon grief.
I cannot call them similar at all.
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.
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Not the same because with children you are the boss from the start. Your parents were who you tried to please when you were a child and it feels really weird on both sides for the child of an elderly person to be in charge. You get used to it of course and it becomes easier to change roles, but that past dynamic is always there. Kids are way easier. My mom was actually quite delightful most of the time and once I got her into assisted living the stress lifted a bit, but it was still an incredibly hard 10 years. Children change so much and become more and more independent. Elders go the other direction. But, ha ha, maybe I've just forgotten those early years with the kids, where the mom days are still firmly planted in my memory. I do know that kids are not likely to let you forget they are still awake.
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I often make the same comparison, between my 3year old grandson, and his great-grandmother, who has dementia.

Some differences:

My grandson learns and improves on his behavior.
Mom does neither.

My grandson learns new and exciting things every day.
Mom forgets a bit more, daily.

My grandson is beginning to show empathy towards others.
Mom has zero empathy.

My GS goes through his days with a sense of hope and joy.
Mom has neither.

Please get yourself some help. Save your sanity.
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Absolutely no comparison!
Children are learning independence and it is wonderful to.watch them grow and mature.

Caring for elderly.there is no growth, there is no learning to become independent. It is hoping, against hope, that they are able to do.some level of caring for themselves.
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It is not a comparable comparison because toddlers are learning and retaining and respond to rewards and punishments; if raised right they become less selfish and conscientious, and can show appreciation. Usually they can be joyful and provide us with great joy.

Not so with dementia. LOs with dementia are going in the opposite direction as toddlers. No amount of "discipline" and effort stops the relentless decline of their abilities. They lose their reason and logic and memory. They often do things that work against themselves (or you) without understanding or care; they lose the ability to show or express or feel gratitude; they require more and more care, not less and less like when a child grows and matures. They lose control of their bodily functions, and become sicker, not stronger and more vigorous like a child. If you think changin a toddler's poopy diaper is bad, sometimes dementia will have the LO remove the poopy diaper and fling it around. Or they'll openly masturbate in public or grab some stranger's derierre.

Children learn to communicate and can hear you, but often the very eldery can't; they may wish to be helpful but their physical collapse prevents them from it (arthritis, poor eyesight, neuropathy, judgment). Then there's the financial stress and possible loneliness when you can't go anywhere or do anything because your LO is bedbound and there's no one else helping you. Finally, there is the emotional toll that occurs as we have to stand by and watch our loved one disappear and/or suffer in spite of all our heroic efforts. Many elders here in the US have at one point or another said: "Getting old ain't for sissies." And neither is choosing to be a solo, live-in caregiver.
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Geaton777 Apr 2022
** "they become less selfish and MORE conscientious..."
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