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In my late 30’s with no kids, I’d like to know how caring for someone with dementia compares to children/toddlers.



I’ve been in a caring role pretty much my whole life,... one brother has a disability, my late brother got sick and passed and now I look after Mum with dementia.



Her outbursts often remind me of a toddler tantrum and the fact that when things are quiet, typically a mess is being made.



It has seriously started messing with my head and made me question if I want kids and I’d like to hear some perspectives / differences.



I know obviously kids learn rather than forget so that’s rewarding but if I’m burned out now with caring for Mum, will I ever cope as a parent? Or should I take this a clue that maybe I’m not suited.



I'm starting to find even the task of cooking for my mum and prepping her to bed exhausting. As in, I’m so tired that I’ve resorted to part microwave meals and at times I’ve simply nodded off on the sofa before getting her into bed. I’ve then got up to put her into bed and usually she’s been awake the whole time. I’d hate to think I'd be similar with kid(s) where I feed them microwave food and fall asleep before them!



I know it's a silly silly question but I guess not a lot of people tend to have the experience of looking after someone with dementia before they start their own family so they go in kind of blind.



Please tell me kids are a lot easier lol



Additional note: one of my friends has a baby/toddler and while we are going through similar responsibilities (ironically), she seems to still have all this energy to do stuff, go exercise, socialize, keep the house spotless etc. So I find myself wondering if it’s just me...

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As you said, babies learn, they soon learn to speak and to do things for themselves. They develop social skills and relate to their caregivers. You see progress. It's different when people have dementia. You see decline, and you have to draw upon your reserves of love for that person to keep a good attitude. You do sound like you are burned out as a caregiver. Get connected with a social worker who can advise you of your mother's and your options. She may be eligible for aides to help out, maybe even to give you some time off. A person coming in a couple of hours a day to make her dinner and get her ready for bed would be a help. She/you might also be eligible to have help doing the housework. Try to get help so that you can have some "you" time. I hope that you can eventually make a life for yourself that gives you pleasure.
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This may be a bit off-topic, but something to think about. You are in your late 30s, and time is running out for high fertility. You may be facing IVF to get pregnant, and that’s not a lot of fun. You don’t sound as though you are desperate ‘to have a child before it’s too late’.

My daughter married late, first time marriage for her and her husband. Child now 7, daughter late 40s SIL 50. Grandson is very intelligent and very very active. Daughter has MS, under control but she tires easily, needs a mid-day rest, and organises her life for part-time professional work. SIL has a demanding project-management job. Grandson is being far more difficult than anticipated, and would be much easier if parents were in their 20s with less stressful jobs. And of course it would be far far worse if the child had disabilities (instead of great abilities and parents who want him to make the most of them).

When posters are telling you (correctly) about the joys of watching someone grow rather than watching someone decline, remember that there is another side to the coin. If you aren’t desperate about having a baby, think hard about other alternatives – fostering, aunt-ing, etc.
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Kids are far easier. In most cases, they are able and wanting to reach developmental goals. This includes the children living with neurological differences; they also are working so hard to learn to crawl, walk, feed self and these parents and kids definitely need a whole community for support. Please know parents caring for kids and adult kids who need support are going through a wringer are true Saints and it sounds like one of those people in caring for your brother.
Taking care of a deteriorating loved one: the adorable one is rapidly deteriorating. Some are trying SO hard to not loose skills of daily living. The caretaking on this end only gets more intense.
Much good advice on this forum. I can say I've spontaneously just broken down in tears with the elderly care versus the kid care including one special health concerns kid.
Get some tools in place to get care for mom. You are obviously a loving caring person
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Kids are not easier but it is different and far more rewarding. I have had two kids who are grown and am now caretaking for my husband who has dementia. Children grow, learn and give so much love and joy. Now caretaking on the other hand is much more challenging. No matter how much one tries, you can’t teach them anymore and it is NOT as rewarding. My children have been the joy of my life❣️ Caretaking, not so much 😉
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Dear Cappuccino42

Time for a break. The routine of either of these responsibilities are mind blowing. Don’t take to heart taking care of mom and compare it with children and rule out the joy of motherhood. As I have taken care of most of my family, as you have, I’ve also had the joy of two children. They are both burnouts but different.
The children would take you to the edge but at night nothing is more wonderful than to kiss the little devils goodnight and shake your head.
As for mom, as mine have said as I washed her and dressed her .. to find her upset because she wet the bed.
I’m sorry … she said … I felt so relaxed and comfortable to know you are here to help me at this time in my life.. but remember she said … Once a mom ..twice a child!! My answer … I’m only giving back what I was taught and so the care you have given to me when I wet the bed is no different.
So she passed within the week I shared with her and to this day.. it was the most rewarding experience of my life .. yet it broke my heart.
But I came home with both of my kids wrapped around me and thought… thank you … thank you dear God for carrying me through this and thank you for my children who in turn had helped me through the hardest part of my life.
So Cappy… don’t rule it out with a bad time in the long run … your heart will be thankful for sharing her time. As crazy as it may be and smile and shake your head, because she did teach you how to be a MOM.
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Kids ARE A LOT easier...take it from me! Of course, you have the usual drama as they go through the phases of growing up. I have 4 "kids" - the oldest is 36 and the remaining three - triplets - are 27. And they still haven't grown up! I was the primary caregiver for my sister, who had very early onset Alzheimers and lived with me and my husband for 4 years before she passed away. We often compared her to our child-rearing experiences. My sister stopped talking, while our first-born, even with his language delays, started talking and hasn't stopped! The trajectory with kids is UP; the trajectory with my sister was DOWN. I couldn't even take bathroom breaks with my sister - she was ambulatory and would wander, rather than staying in the bathroom with me. My kids would stay with me during my potty breaks. Another example - after they were about 18months-2 years old, they knew not to eat the dog's food. My sister never figured out that the dog food wasn't for her. Suffice it to say, having my kids was such an exciting, noisy, uplifting experience...while my sister was led me to shed many tears, knowing what was coming "next."
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Taking care of your children is joyous. Don’t get me wrong, there are hard times also. But most of it is a positive experience! You get to seem then achieve, grow, succeed! It is none of that with an elderly parent.
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I am a caregiver for my mom with dementia. I raised 3 children and have 4 grandchildren. I also, was a licensed daycare provider for many years. SO...I have changed countless diapers, wiped many snotty noses, cleaned up poop and vomit, fixed many meals for the little ones, dealt with temper tantrums galore, but nothing prepared me for dealing with mom.
Kids are cute and cuddly most of the time, she is not.
Kids will grow and learn, she will only forget more.
Kids love bath time, I never know from one time to the next if she will only reluctantly comply or scream and curse, call me names and tell me she hates me.
Being a parent is rewarding, watching your parent decline is drudgery.
Kids have a future, dementia is ALL downhill in the sewer.
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From my own experience, I'll compare the two.

Babies grow quickly and progress in ability.
Dementia patients decline and decline in ability.

Babies are in diapers for 2 to 3 years.
Dementia patients never progress out of diapers.

Babies learn to sleep through the night.
Dementia patients lose the ability to sleep through the night unless they are sedated and sometimes that doesn't work either.

Babies always know who their mother and father and siblings are.
Dementia patients lose their ability to recognize even the closest family members.

Babies and children live in reality.
Dementia patients do not live in reality.

You can take babies and children anywhere - they love to play and learn and see new things.
Dementia patients are extremely difficult to transport as they lose their ability to see and hear and even walk.

Babies and children grow up and become gradually more independent.
Dementia patients become more dependent - more needy and usually more demanding.

Your babies and children will have your heart until the end of time. ❤️
Of course we love our dementia patient or we wouldn't be caring for them, but it's different.
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NinjaWarrior3 May 2022
Great answer!
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Caring for a demented elder would be more like caring for a child with Down’s syndrome when the child is of age. In some ways, it could be even worse.
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OP, why are you even wondering if you should have children or not? Do you have a partner? If not your age and your caring situation means you are unlikely to meet a partner to commit to you in time for you to have children. Men tend to run from responsibility, particularly those associated with a date's elderly parents.

I have no children myself thanks to caregiving responsibilities. However I would say that a toddler is easier because (1) they are smaller and easier to handle than an adult, (2) they get easier to deal with as they get older while an elderly person does not, (3) they don't think they are in charge of you and that you should respect them.

If you want to have children you will have to make some hard decisions very soon. Those decisions will be much easier if you have a supportive partner. If you don't have a supportive partner children may no longer be an option for you.

Sorry for being harsh but I have walked that road and regret not putting myself first and being selfish when I was younger.
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Cappuccino42: Herein lies the comparison - zero. There is none.
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There is Mother's, Grandparent's and/or Father's Day to look forward to
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There is so much laughter and joy with young kids: when my grand daughter wanted to do "arts and craps" and her toddler sister disappeared, only for me to discover that she took herself to the bathroom and wiped herself... all over the bathroom. With a curly headed 2 year old it's a hilarious story to torment her with when she gets older; not so with my elderly mother. We take pictures of the smiling preschoolers wearing their food but spaghetti hair isn't as cute on Mom. The kids grow up and become more independent every day in every way. We are proud and sad at the same time. As others have said there is hope and joy raising children, to balance out the tremendous amount of work. The laughter and fun with an elderly parent becomes so rare we are shocked when they get a joke. Mom actually made a joke yesterday, and I was so excited I had to share it with the family. Cappuccino42, I hope you still get some good days with Mom. If you want to start a family, I hope you are blessed to do so with a loving partner. Enjoy the end of one stage and the beginning of another. Just try not to do both at once.
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Cover99 Apr 2022
Which is why the "fun" tends to be on Mother's Grandparent's and or Father's Day
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Your not wrong, I call my husband my 6 ft 2 year old. Trying to dress him is exactly the same., not to mention the bathroom details. My only blessing is he was always a pretty chill guy, and has stayed that way. But he gets into things he shouldn't just like a 2 yr old occasionally also. But every once in a while he makes a joke, he can still make me laugh, and will sometimes say "hi baby" and look at me like he used to...that's a good day.
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There is no comparison whatsoever between caring for a demented elder and caring for beautiful newborn/infant/child/toddlers. It's ridiculous to even try to draw a comparison, in fact, because you're trying to compare apples to coffee cups or better yet, ice cream sandwiches to sh*t sandwiches. Children light up your life; elders suck the life right out of you, daily, while they give back nothing. Children give back 100-fold more than they take. Yes, you may be up with them for a while with night feedings, but then they'll look at you with such love and adoration in their eyes, it makes it all worth it, which is why people have multiple children. I rarely hear about people taking on the care of multiple elders with dementia, do you? There's a reason for that, and a reason for why Memory Care ALFs are popping up like flowers on street corners everywhere, yet you don't see people giving their children up for adoption b/c they poop in THEIR diapers or scream or throw temper tantrums. It's part of growing up to do that, and it stops; vs. with dementia, it only gets worse and it never stops until they die.

Don't put silly ideas in your head that the type of care giving you're doing bears ANY resemblance to child rearing. If it did, parents would have stopped having children eons ago.
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Debstarr53 May 2022
Great response. I can relate to this SO much. Loved being a parent, HATE being the daughter of a lousy mother who now has dementia.
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Children are so different in my opinion. They learn, adapt, give back, push back, have a tantrum - but all while you are the center and anchor of their world. You can make them beautiful people, or you can do damage (I do have to say that because I told my kids that my main goal was to have them have less baggage than I do!). But my MIL does not see me in that light at all. Just my two cents.
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Kids grow up, learn, and become more loving and helpful as they mature. The journey from infant to adult will seem very short. Most parents find parenting rewarding and memorable.

Sufferers of dementia usually experience continuing loss of memory and function. Medications work for awhile but eventually stop working. If the sufferer lives long enough, he or she may need 24/7 care that can be beyond the abilities of one caregiver. In some ways the loss of function in sufferers mimics a reverse in childhood as the sufferer usually has more anxiety and frustration over things beyond his/her control.
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Kids learn. Dementia doesn't give them that chance.. Even if you stick to a routine, it gets harder and harder. Or if they do remember, they get sneaky about things they are not supposed to do and like a 5 yr old, they try to hide it. It is a useless battle with getting them to remember simple rules and to stay on task. My mother thinks she lives in a hotel. There are only myself and my partner in the home and we have a sitter on Fridays to get some peace. She has visual and audio hallucinations and seems to think there are qite a few people who live here. No matter how many times I tell her, it doesn't sink in and stay.
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With kids, there are somewhat predictable developmental stages for physical and psychological development. Genes have some influence, and the environment around the child matters a lot. Generally there is joy and fun in helping a child develop into a unique person.
With elders, the stages of decline are not predictable at all. Medicine can only identify and measure some elements, and doesn't do a good job looking at the whole elder. No matter how much and what kind of health care, home care, nutrition, etc....an elder will decline and continue to lose abilities, especially once dementia is identified.
Elder care is much harder, little meaningful support from family and friends and our culture makes it isolating.
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Just my 2 cents:

There are similarities, but there is no pay-off for elder care, just struggling to accept the inevitable and all that end-of-life care entails. The other difference is that pregnant ladies are young (well, most are) and most who are caring for their parents and spouses are in a different age group and a lower energy level.
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Elle1970 Apr 2022
It takes more energy to care for some elderly people than it does to take care of toddlers. Caring for toddlers may be physically challenging but it is not as draining or soul-destroying as caring for a difficult elder.
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Caring for an elder with dementia is often very sad. You are making memories that you alone will keep in the long run and you might be doing things with them and taking them places for their last time (very important). It is very difficult to watch a loved one’s health decline.

Caring for a baby is more generally positive and more frequently uplifting. Babies look at the world with wonder and joy. They can smile easily and it is fun to watch them learn and grow.

Where the two are similar: in both cases, you can get so tired. Days seem longer than 24 hours. You can run out of time for yourself easily. Time passes generally too fast - you lose your loved ones and your kids grow up and move away… all so quickly.

I recommend both. Raising my kids and caring for my parents have both been very important to me. Nowadays, both of these jobs are typically outsourced, but I’m glad I made the time and made both a priority.
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Elle1970 Apr 2022
Sometimes caring for elderly parents means the carer will never have the freedom or opportunity to have a family of their own.
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There are somesimillarities but not the same joy
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When we females turn 30 we significantly reduce the amount of eggs we have, 35 is considered geriatric. If you’re considering at all having kids I’d focus some attention on that.

You can’t go back and have kids, you’ll want to enjoy your grandkids as you age. Who will be there for you?

Please don’t forget about your life, I think kids are so worth it. I don’t blame you for re-thinking everything when you constantly give. Only you can change the outcome of your life, not someone else’s.
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Completely different for me. Role reversal alone is dumbfounding! Expectations opposite. Overwhelmed feelings are similar tho. I do remember my 4 babes also making me feel overwhelmed, but that’s about it. Two different animals.
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There is really nothing that is the 'same'
A child comes as a 'blank slate' essentially, with a little personality and all, but for the most part, it's a joy and an honor to be entrusted with a little person to teach and mentor.

I have 5 kids and 14 grands, so I do know of which I speak.

I would rather have my 4 yo grandson whom we livingly refer to as the 'raccoon' for an entire day than have my mom for 1 hr.

Calvin is the poster boy for joie de vivre--life, everyday for him is a sweet joy. Mom is the poster girl for living too long and being miserable a lot of the time.

There's no comparison, really. CG for one is on the uphill slide and for the other? Downhill and kind of depressing.

The raccoon will come running at me full steam and leap on to me (ouch) and hold my face and say "I love you almost as much as I love my mommy" (He loves his mommy more than anything. My mom won't even touch me, much less hug me.

The absolute unconditional love I get from my grands is indescribably wonderful. I know I'm lucky and blessed. The lack of love from my mother is simply something I have come to expect.
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My comparison is strictly emotional.

with a child, acceptance is automatic. We accept their dependence, their awkwardness, their different ways of communicating, with unconditional love, for the most part. Their struggles are met with encouragement and praise. It is normal and natural to see progress and growth, and we celebrate it. We can look forward to our future with them.

With my husband, it was not so. I have fought, in my mind , to change what came naturally in child care. It’s so unnatural to think of him as anything but totally capable. He built beautiful furniture pieces as a hobby. After 7 years of caring for Him throughout his Alzheimer’s decline, I have finally begun to accept this inevitable decline. With that acceptance has come more energy and even a more loving attitude toward the man I married. I realize that I can still celebrate the memories of our wonderful life together. And their are still precious moments even while experiencing this horrible disease. The difference is, we have to accept
that the future will come to an end.
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I think (as a long time caregiver of both) that caring for an elderly person can be harder. Mostly because of their size. Much harder to maneuver them around and clean up their diapers etc. Little kids can be very tiring in their own way, but they keep growing and learning. After about 2 years old most kids are fairly easy to care for and they like to do things with you and are mostly cooperative. On the other hand an elderly person with dementia is going the opposite direction and getting worse. It’s a whole different ballgame with kids.
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Caring for the elderly is way more tiring. Yes, the tasks may be similar to tending to small children, but because of an elderly person’s age, we’re less forgiving (such as urinating on themselves, repeating the same questions, etc). It shouldn’t stop you from having your own children someday. You wouldn’t want to miss out on seeing your smile in your child’s smile. Both are tiring, nonetheless, but rewarding in different ways.
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Just last week I said, "gosh, mom is like a little kid." My mom is 92 and in ALF.
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