How should my sister and I handle our brother who just came forward to help with our Mom, but insists on getting paid to do so?

My thought is that one first needs to determine just how much physical care is needed for your Mom? Does she have any dementia that means where even if she doesn't actually need physical care, she needs constant supervisory or companion care? Just as a frame of reference, my Mom is home with dementia....and lives where there is no family. In order assure she is safe, and takes her meds and breathing treatments on time and properly and is NOT driving herself to grocery, bank, visiting my dad, etc, we are (she is, but I am the POA) paying for 6 hours/day of a licensed caregiver. At $18 to $23/hr, this does amount to nearly $3000/month. If your brother has to be up and down with your mom at night, cannot freely leave for an evening away or a weekend trip and leave her alone, then he does deserve to be paid. If you sisters were in that same boat, you could have been paid as well. BUT, how much is reasonable, depends on how much his normal life is upset by having her join him in his home. Did he explain what he did to his home for her to come? And has he started paying back the 'loan' for the $20,000? Another thing to consider is how much money does Mom have left? If there is any chance she may need to apply for Medicaid at some point, you all have to be very careful at how her money is used, and whether there are 'gifts' because all that will create a penalty period that will delay Medicaid approvals. It may be more objective to have all meet with an elder care attorney to carve out an official agreement that considers all these details, because then the decision/contract etc will be more objective, and will consider the right actions to assure she would get quick approval should she need Medicaid down the road.

Unless he put in a bathroom and ramp, I can't imagine what he spent $20,000 on. Did you gift it, or did Mom? Because if you gave him (alone) $20,000, he will need to pay taxes on that.

You said that she pays her own way. So, she is paying room and board and now he wants paid for his hands on care of her?

That payment would have to be minimal at best. I am all for getting paid, but that doesn't seem to be the deal when this started. Your mother needs a legal contract with him, now.

Here's a slightly different perspective. You wrote:

"He is retired & has nothing but time", then that he asked for monthly funds "for his inconvenience." Do you see a contradiction and inconsistency here? Lots of time but he's inconvenienced? How so? And didn't he volunteer in the first place?

I don't like to be the lone suspicious person, but that was my gut reaction as I read and reread your post. This was planned and he gradually worked up to requesting the monthly payment.

The other important issue though is that your mother is happy. So I think the question is how to balance his desire for money vs. the fact that your mother is happy (so far).

Has he suggested a monthly amount? I'm assuming the $20K came from her funds, and that you either have a DPOA or joint account. Have you discussed this with your mother, and if so, how does she feel about his request for payment. Is he single or are there others in the household?

Somehow I can't help think that (a) he had this planned all along, and (b) if he doesn't get paid, your mother will bear the brunt of it in changed treatment.

I do think, however, that you're entitled to know specifically how the $20 was spent. I can think of about $5k to remodel the bathroom, another few K for a ramp, if that's necessary, and generously guessing another $1k or so for an extensive network of grab bars.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to document the $20K and see what his reaction is. It's also interesting that he got this up front, before hitting on you for the monthly stipend. If he doesn't get the latter, he still got the $20K.

Hopeful2, you're way too vague for anyone to help you on here. You were asked why he needed 20K and you said for a loan? A loan for what? If he can afford to retire he should be financially OK.

Someone asked if it was for ramps for your mom or another bathroom, you didn't answer.

Who hands over 20K and doesn't ask questions?

But unless you come back and give more specific information no one can help you here. Some are trying to guess, but unless you're more concrete no one can advise.

Hopeful - you know your & Sissy's viewpoint on your brother could be based in the past when everybody was all kum-ba-ya with each other & their lives.

Things change. I'm more inclined to go with the he planned this group.....

So what to do, to get all finances back to a new starting point you could do either:
Ask bro if the 20k is to be considered a loan, a gift or for housing accessibility items OR for caregiving. And that if a Loan, then you'll need his signature on paperwork to that effect that is actuarialy sound based on moms age (this yiu need otherwise Medicaid will say it's gifting); OR gifting & send him a letter stating that if mom needs to apply for Medicaid in thenext 5 years that this 20k will make her ineligible so he will be responsible to private pay; or fir repairs renovation then with receipts; OR if for caregiving that it will be reported to iRS.

If he balks at any of this, you can as DPOA issue him w-2 on it to IRS along with a noncompliance statement (that he would not do w-9 & I-9).

I know this sounds all nuclear options but if he runs out of caregiving ability or interest and mom runs out of $, you & Sissy will be scrambling to private pay for mom's care. Someone who got 20k and asking for more now when things are still pretty simple with mom, well probably can't be counted on when it gets tough. One good fall and the world changes & Hello Medicaid!

Imho unless they have a solid 400/500K in assets, or are generationally wealthy,, they are likely to run out of $ to private pay for care if they live long enough. And mom will need Medicaid.

If the $20K was a loan, then maybe he could deduct a reasonable amount of what he owes each month that he has your mother there with him. I don't know what your mother's situation was when she lived near you. Did she have her own home? Did they require 24/7 care? Has there been any change in her care requirements since she moved in with your brother?

The biggest question is if the amount of money your brother is requesting seems reasonable -- like the amount of money it would cost to help with household expenses. You and your sister may not have charged, but that doesn't mean no one should ever ask your mother to pay something. Besides, we don't know if she lived with you or not, so hard to compare.

I will offer some advice based on what we do know. If the mother is staying with the brother, then the expectation to contribute to household expenses (e.g. utilities and maintenance) is reasonable. This is independent of any caregiving help given by the siblings before, particularly if the mother was not living with them. If the $20K was a loan, it could either be deducted at the time when the will is executed or it could be used to pay for the mother's costs. It would be wise to have all these things in contract form in case it is needed in the future for things like medical assistance or in executing the will. Verbal contracts don't carry much weight when it comes to these matters.

It is legitimate to expect to be compensated for loss of earnings, additional spending on utilities, the kind of expenses that caregiving and the time it involves entail. But you seem to suspect that your brother sees your mother's presence in his life simply as an income stream, above and beyond what she actually costs him? Not ok. Tell him either to explain what he wants to be compensated for in money terms or to do one.

If he doesn't have a special contract for her care, and mom runs out of money and needs a nursing home and Medicaid support within five years, everything you've given him will be considered a gift. Medicaid will come after it and will exclude the appropriate months of her care. Never say never.

If you decide to pay him for mom's are, you must call it salary, pay the employer portion of Social Security and give him a W2 at the end of the year.

This is not to be done lightly. You should most definitely consult an elder law attorney.

I firmly and strongly believe that elders should have the dignity of paying their own way to the extent they can afford to. When my mother moved in with my sister for a year, Sis charged the same amount Mom was paying for her subsidized senior apartment, plus something for food. It was much less than the market rate for Sis's lower level, but that was the "family discount." This made perfect sense to all 6 of her siblings.

So I am inclined to think your brother should expect some room-and-board payment. (This has nothing to do with what you and your sister did not charge. That was your decision.)

I really feel uncomfortable with the way this all came about. Brother doesn't seem to have been playing straight-forward with all of you. BUT it seems to be the best situation for all concerned, and he is entitled to some compensation. So I hope you can work it out.

And when you do work it out GET IT IN WRITING. Get an attorney who specializes in Elder Law involved with the most advantageous way to arrange things.