How should my sister and I handle our brother who just came forward to help with our Mom, but insists on getting paid to do so?

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My sister & I have been co caretakers for my mom & stepdad for years. My stepdad recently passed away. My brother who has always lived out of state has offered to take mom. "He is retired & has nothing but time" Mom pays her own way. He has no financial out of pocket for her needs. Initially he asked for $20,000.00 to prepare his home to better take care of Mom. I sent it. He also asked for her car. I gave it to him. However he is now insisting Mom pay him monthly for his inconvenience. Mom is happy there. My sister & I both work so it's made our lives easier. We took care of Mom because she's our Mom & never did we ask for payment to do so. He's had her for 6 weeks. We feel financial gain was his intention all along. I welcome any thought on this.

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Thank you all once again. My sister did contact our attorney. He has given us much food for thought as you all have. I'm very proud of what we have done in caring for our parents. I hope we are as lucky in our later years.
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Something I dont see on here much....Could you not rent your mother's house out to generate income rather than sell it. that way you get osme of the bills paid and some left over. Seems daft to apy bills and have a house stood empty. If you're worried about who would rent approach a local corporate they often want to accommodate people visiting for a month or sop and they will pay over the odds to do so.

Worth considering?
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I firmly and strongly believe that elders should have the dignity of paying their own way to the extent they can afford to. When my mother moved in with my sister for a year, Sis charged the same amount Mom was paying for her subsidized senior apartment, plus something for food. It was much less than the market rate for Sis's lower level, but that was the "family discount." This made perfect sense to all 6 of her siblings.

So I am inclined to think your brother should expect some room-and-board payment. (This has nothing to do with what you and your sister did not charge. That was your decision.)

I really feel uncomfortable with the way this all came about. Brother doesn't seem to have been playing straight-forward with all of you. BUT it seems to be the best situation for all concerned, and he is entitled to some compensation. So I hope you can work it out.

And when you do work it out GET IT IN WRITING. Get an attorney who specializes in Elder Law involved with the most advantageous way to arrange things.
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I thought she was supposed to be getting the $500
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I forgot to write that I was thinking about the money she receives from SS when figuring out how much money she had to work with each month.
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What you wrote makes all the difference in the world. The main thing that jumped out at me is that you still have your mother's house. Much of her SS has to go to pay for things at the house. That does make it very difficult to give your brother the $1500 he asks for. Do you plan to sell your mother's house or keep it? I would recommend that if you do sell it to make it clear upfront where the money will go. I could see potential problems coming from this.

In your shoes what I would do under the current circumstances is figure out how much it used to cost your mother to live at home, then use that amount as a base. Deduct what the costs are for keeping her old home. These will be a lot with insurance, taxes, etc. Then the remainder would go to him to pay for everything for your mother. I have a feeling that the $500 he is getting is generous, especially since groceries and other things are put on the credit card. What you are doing sounds right to me.
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My sister & I have always taken care of our parents. In 2009 my stepdad's medical problems started with age related heart issues with surgery needed & ended with duodenum cancer. He had 2 children that lived out of state & not willing or able to help. He was a very difficult man at times, but we were also there to support mom. He battled cancer for 2 1/2 yrs. Amazing he lasted as long as he did. However, it was my sister & I who saw to all of there needs. Dr appts, grocery, banking, yard work.....etc. Any help he or we tried to bring in did not work out. He was a very demanding & difficult man. (They were married 34 years) This was also about the time mom started displaying memory issues.
My sister & I do have our own homes separate from mom. I live 35 miles away & my sister lives near mom. Following our stepdad's death in Aug 2014 I moved my office into mom's house. I stayed & worked from there during the week. My sister babysits during the week. She would take weekends & I would go home. It was 24/7 for her & I.
Ok.....back to my brother. He always lived out of state. He would call mom on Sunday's & maybe a yearly visit. He just wasn't around.
Mom is 79 & he is the oldest age 60. He lives with his fiancé in a small but comfortable home. His fiancé works full time. He is retired. He borrowed the 20K from mom to pay off credit cards & a 401K loan in preparation to buy a larger home. He has no family close to him. (He always said that's how he liked it.) Mom is in very good health other than her memory issues & discussion making faculties. She does require supervision. She sleeps well at night & takes naps daily. It was his decision to take mom & in his words "he has nothing but time."
I will tell you that mom loves being with him. He has always been her favorite. He is excellent with her. He has had her for 6 weeks. It has been very nice to be able to have ours lives back. We still have moms house of course so I pay bills & make sure all is ok there.
Do I now think that his motive was to use Mom as additional income? Yes. It has only been 6 weeks but we've been in an ongoing discussion about money. He states he will pay the 20k back when he sells the house they live in now. After moms bills are paid out of her SS, I load $500 onto a debit card. That would have been 5/1 & 6/1. The money is taken almost immediately. He also has her credit card but does not feel we should monitor it. Somethings have had to be questioned. I will not question groceries or salon visits. Other charges we will & he doesn't feel we should. In his words very frankly he does not want to discuss what we have done in the past for our parents. He now says he wants $1500 in cash monthly. He will return the credit card.
Also as I mentioned before we let him take moms car. She doesn't drive but she loves her Prius & he didn't have a car. The car is in her name & she does pay the insurance.
I feel I'm rambling now. I very much appreciate all of the comments. I hope I've added more insight into this situation. And yes....I'm happy Mom's happy. I just feel he is taking advantage of the situation.
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Hopeful - you know your & Sissy's viewpoint on your brother could be based in the past when everybody was all kum-ba-ya with each other & their lives.

Things change. I'm more inclined to go with the he planned this group.....

So what to do, to get all finances back to a new starting point you could do either:
Ask bro if the 20k is to be considered a loan, a gift or for housing accessibility items OR for caregiving. And that if a Loan, then you'll need his signature on paperwork to that effect that is actuarialy sound based on moms age (this yiu need otherwise Medicaid will say it's gifting); OR gifting & send him a letter stating that if mom needs to apply for Medicaid in thenext 5 years that this 20k will make her ineligible so he will be responsible to private pay; or fir repairs renovation then with receipts; OR if for caregiving that it will be reported to iRS.

If he balks at any of this, you can as DPOA issue him w-2 on it to IRS along with a noncompliance statement (that he would not do w-9 & I-9).

I know this sounds all nuclear options but if he runs out of caregiving ability or interest and mom runs out of $, you & Sissy will be scrambling to private pay for mom's care. Someone who got 20k and asking for more now when things are still pretty simple with mom, well probably can't be counted on when it gets tough. One good fall and the world changes & Hello Medicaid!

Imho unless they have a solid 400/500K in assets, or are generationally wealthy,, they are likely to run out of $ to private pay for care if they live long enough. And mom will need Medicaid.
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If he doesn't have a special contract for her care, and mom runs out of money and needs a nursing home and Medicaid support within five years, everything you've given him will be considered a gift. Medicaid will come after it and will exclude the appropriate months of her care. Never say never.

If you decide to pay him for mom's are, you must call it salary, pay the employer portion of Social Security and give him a W2 at the end of the year.

This is not to be done lightly. You should most definitely consult an elder law attorney.
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It is legitimate to expect to be compensated for loss of earnings, additional spending on utilities, the kind of expenses that caregiving and the time it involves entail. But you seem to suspect that your brother sees your mother's presence in his life simply as an income stream, above and beyond what she actually costs him? Not ok. Tell him either to explain what he wants to be compensated for in money terms or to do one.
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