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This person first of all is in love with herself but does not think she is. She pretends to be humble for attention. Kind of sickening.


It’s not even that she means well. That I understand. Someone can be ignorant about something but totally sincere and genuine. They do truly mean well.


This is not the case with her. She loves to think of herself as the most caring person in the world but it is only to get recognition for herself. Very odd.


She calls and ask about my mom. I answer her. If I try to tell her how tired I am. She tells me not to feel that way because I am so lucky to still have my mom. Mom is 93, I am 63. I am tired!


Mind you, she hasn’t cared for her mom in a very long time. Her mom died 20 years ago but she acts like it was yesterday. Her mom wasn’t sick for long either before she died. Nor did her mom live with her. In other words, she didn’t have it nearly as tough as I have.


This woman is 80 and says she still wishes she had her mom to care for. YEAH, RIGHT!!!! And if you believe that I have a bridge I want to sell to you!


It’s the same thing over and over and I am sick of it. I stopped telling her that I was tired and she still says that I am so lucky to still have her. It’s a ridiculous comment in my opinion. She has never said to me that my mom was lucky to have me! I love my mom. Has nothing to do with love. I just think conversations shouldn’t be one sided, especially lop sided. Kind of annoying when she calls.


Give me some good responses please!

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This lady is closer in age to your mother than she is to you - was she more specially your mother's friend than yours, before?

I should keep the conversations brief and civil and not expect things from her that she simply doesn't provide. It's nice of her to ask, but yes I'm sure she is doing it more to keep herself engaged and occupied than for anyone else's material benefit - but there's not much wrong with that! She's 80 years old, what's she supposed to be doing with herself?

Also: don't take her calls when you're really not in the mood to cope with her. If you don't have call screening and you have to pick up, tell her you're waiting for a medical call back and you have to go. Then end the call decisively so that you don't get into a prolonged Q&A session.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
CM,

No, she is a friend of a friend. We met her at a craft fair and she was charming at first. Until we got to know how she really is.

She’s was really cute and fun to be with at first but not for awhile now.

She tries to treat me like I should be so happy about being a full time caregiver. Of course, I want my mom to be well taken care of, but she has no idea that caregivers need a hug sometimes too.
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She isn't a very good friend at least not to you. In your relationship, you are the giver and she is the taker. There is nothing knew to learn from her when you pick up the phone. It's the same old "you are so lucky..." "I wish my mom was still alive..." and you go unheard. Friends listen to one another. Friends show empathy to each other. Friends make you feel better.

She is old and, at her age, I've noticed that discussing health and doctors appointments and aches and pains is like a sport. My FIL does it with his friends back home, but his neighbors at indy living try to do it with me when I'm visiting because he keeps that information to himself. Just the other night I had to extricate myself from a barrage of questions about what happened to him (he fell), what's his prognosis, is he doing PT, etc etc.

Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back! Stop satisfying her curious need to know about your mother. Another option is that when she calls, put your mother on the phone!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
NYDaughterInLaw,

You know, you are absolutely correct. She is adding stress to an already stressful life with mom. I don’t owe her anything. Do I? Thanks so much for putting it out there in black and white to read. May be time to limit the calls or not accept any of them.

You are so right. It’s a sport to them! What a clear cut explanation. Thanks.
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You know what you are dealing with, time to not answer her calls when you are not up to it or have a good reason that you have to go quickly.

It sounds like she may be lonely and in her compact world caregiving is a glamorous, never lonely experience. If she didn't care for her mom in her home it was probably an event for her to go calling, getting all dressed up, marking time on her calendar, getting to interact with the staff, doctors, other visitors, a very different reality than you have.

Next time she wishes she was a caregiver, grant her wish, oh I am so happy to hear you say that, mom needs to see a new face and you need someone to care for, talk about perfect, I will be there to drop mom off at say 4pm. Thank you so much. Give her what she wants. Something else to talk about, imagine the milage she will get out of that.

You can't change self-centered, they aren't interested in changing, they like having the world revolve around them but you can change how you interact with them.

You are and have been doing a great job, whether anyone ever acknowledges you or not doesn't change that fact. Your mom is very blessed to have you and your husband. Don't let your "friend" minimize that for you in your head or heart.

Hugs!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
I LOVE YOUR ANSWER! Bingo! Man, I need to be quick on my feet like you, isthisreallyreal.

Thanks for the encouragement.

This woman no longer drives and I offered to bring her to meet mom over a weekend when my husband could stay with mom for me to pick her up and she refused. She always tells me that she would like to meet her.

I think she isn’t happy unless she has center stage. She is the type who takes over conversations my other friend’s house. She wouldn’t like sharing the limelight with a 93 year old, feeling she couldn’t compete for attention.

Old people are competitive for attention at times! Haha. My mom has her beat, uses a walker, Parkinson’s, etc. this lady doesn’t even use a cane.

She is lonely and wants a lot of attention.

I wish I could get people to spend time with my mom. At one time my mom was an active lady and has wonderful stories that she could share with someone else besides me.
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Try to block her calls and/or set it up that her calls go to voicemail. She may get the hint when you stop accepting her calls. As long as you continue to talk to her, she is not going to change.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
Shad,

You’re right. She has many other good qualities but the fact that she ignores me drives me crazy because she wants empathy from everyone.

Plus she says stupid things. Who wants to be a caregiver at age 80? Come on, no one does!
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I got caller ID, not just because of telemarketers but because of a friend. Now her situation is a little different. She has had numerous health issues since I have known her. Bad heart and diabetes has made her a shut in. Now she has been diagnosed with Parkinson's. I do feel sorry for her but she is a Debbie Downer. How do you tell an almost 70yr old woman that maybe her life has gone the way it is because of choices she made. She maybe estranged from her boys because of things she has said that got back to them especially the wives. Do you tell her its time to evaluate your life and see what you may have said and then apologize.

When I see her name come up, I pick up when I am in the mood. She calls at dinner time. At 9 at night. Calls to tell me someone has died I don't even know and then argues I know them.

I would tell the woman that you have had a bad day with Mom and you are really tired. Could you maybe call her when you have some time on your hands. (I know, you really never have time)
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
Sounds just like this woman, JoAnn. Annoying!

She doesn’t get along with her kids either. Wait, her favorite line is that others take things the wrong way. It’s never her! She says she told all of her kids that they better never put her in a home or God will send them to hell. Haha. She’s a character!
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Perhaps, she's not thinking clearly. When seniors start saying things that don't make sense, showing no empathy for others, have magical thinking....well....it makes me wonder and I chalk it up to a bad situation within them. I don't take their rudeness personally. I'd give her the info she asks for and leave it at that. You know what you do and if she's that out of it, knowing what you do wouldn't register anyway. In her mind, you may seem like a 30 year-old. I used to know a lady who was in her 80's who would always ask me if I knew anyone who was hiring! She was disabled in a wheelchair, 80 something and suffered with dementia.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
Sunny,

No, this woman has no dimentia or anything. I get what you’re saying though. Then you really do have to overlook it.

I shouldn’t let her get to me. She calls. I’m happy to talk to someone. But it’s more like listening to her. She can be annoying with her martyr attitude at times. Once she even admitted that she was a nosey person. Overly curious.

She also told me she was afraid to die. She is always asking about my mother’s health and comparing it to hers. She has diabetes, mom doesn’t have that so she likes to point that out and try and one up her. It’s very weird.

Old people like to compete about symptoms of health issues. I hope I don’t get like that. When my kids say I sound like my mom, I freak! But I am only around a 93 year old all day!

She calls me every week. I chat with her. But she likes to chat about herself more than being interested in me as a caregiver. I get so overwhelmed at times and I don’t want to overload others with my stuff. That’s why I really appreciate everyone here on this site. Thanks.
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Is this woman really a "friend" or better described as just an "acquaintance"?
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NYDaughterInLaw Mar 13, 2019
Far too many people confuse the two.
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I feel your tiredness! I too am a full time caregiver. I took care of Grandma and now my mom. I am going on 18 years now. And I am tired. As for the 80 year old that calls.... she maybe starting or already into dementia herself. I try not to let my exhaustion dictate how I treat others. Even when they have stupid written across their foreheads. I mean you can't take back stupid! Letting anger lead you is stupid. You have every write to be angry, just don't let it lead you. Take a deep breath, listen, respond with kindness, and hang up and go about your day. God knows what you are going through, your mom's soul knows and is grateful, and now I know what you are goin through. Get some one , family member, friend, church, someone you can trust and go take a break, You deserve one.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
llmusick

I respect you because you have walked in my shoes. I hear the wisdom in your answer. Please pray that I can put that into action!
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Simple strategy, I promise. Don't pick up. Repeat, don't pick up.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 13, 2019
You’re right, mmcmahon.

Sometimes I don’t answer. Guess what message she leaves on voicemail? How lucky I am!
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The last time someone said to me, “you think you have it bad? “My friend Has Blah, blah, blah” and SHE blah, blah, blah” I said, “it’s not a contest”. And walked away.
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