How should I handle the car key situation?

I am Currently struggling with the same dilemma: My father is alert in the morning although he is deaf even with his hearing aids, but he insists on driving To do local errands Or go to doctors or the pharmacy. His elderly primary doctor told him he is fine to drive but he has known him for decades and doesn't see him now the way he really is. He has some moments where he is really starting to change and he is weakening and his legs and arms, plus he suffers from occasional leg cramps. My 19 year old nephew says he is uncomfortable riding with him, And I believe my sister has mixed feelings as well. Recent physical therapy has helped him both mentally and physically, So I will take them aside and ask them how to know when is the right time and how to best assess that and then take action.

DTGRAY you said you'd rather keep both cars in case one breaks down. Sit down and do some math. If you only have one car, you only have one tag fee, one insurance fee and one set of maintenance fees. If it should need repairs and has to be in the shop overnight you can always use Uber or Lyft in the meantime or have things delivered if it's groceries or meals. I think if you added up the costs of keeping and insuring, tagging and maintaining to vehicles you will see that you can save the extra and put in a kitty for emergencies or repairs. Also newer cars today are much more reliable if you keep them maintained. Plus cars have to be driven...you can't just park hers and never drive it to keep it working right and battery charged etc. Had you thought of any of these things. Keeping both "just in case" doesn't make sound financial sense.

They only found out about the brain cancer because hospital had to run tests and scans...

a friend's mom was in hospital due to a car accident. They found out the hard way, it was the 4th or 5th accident within 6 weeks or so..The last accident ended her up in hospital.
The family didn't know, mom didn't tell them about the prior accidents. The last accident was only told due to her being hospitalized. She passed away about 4 months later due to a rare brain cancer... The didn't know why she didn't mention the first 4 accidents.. Scared? maybe. Scared she might lose her license? maybe. I don't recall if there were any major injuries in the first accidents...
But best to play is safely

My SIL dealt with taking the van away by letting a family friend taking it to his house. When Dad asked she said J needed it because theirs broke down and it would be back in week. The next week – Oh, it’s in the shop getting new breaks. Always found an excuse for it being elsewhere. Being that they lived on a farm there was always someone around to take him places if he wanted.

For my mother I ended up having the Dr. determine that she should no longer drive and the DMV sent her a letter. She wasn’t happy but it was the only way to get her to understand. We’d used her car to go places when I was there on the weekend or to go to medical appointments, otherwise it sat in her garage.

Let me tell you my little story. My DH has dementia. I knew SOMETHING was wrong but what, it was hard to tell in the beginning as he was still acting very normal in other ways.

1rst accident-him vs gas pump protector. He said he was stressed, I bought it.

2nd accident-Drove into a handicap parking sign while parking. Said he couldnt see it. I thought, yeah, depth perception, night, he needs new glasses. Happens.

3rd one-Drove into the back of a car carrying truck. IN A PARKING LOT. Police were involved.

(About this time I was begging his VA doctor to DO SOMETHING, that something was not right, but of course the VA doesnt care.)

4th one...I went outside to see the ENTIRE side of my truck crunched in. He could not recall what happened.

5th one...I got in the truck to drive it, and the side view mirror was dangling off. He had no idea how it happened.

(At this point I was SCREAMING at the doctor to DO SOMETHING, take away his license, test him, screen him-he'd been a safe driver all his life. AND WORSE..the store that he mostly had all these accidents was..seriously, ACROSS THE STREET from where we lived.

6th accident-rear bumper MANGLED, though he "Caught it" on something. I mean not a little bend but twisted UP and out.

7th one, rear tail light broken out, but he did tape it back together ...sort of..WITH BLACK TAPE.

I pulled up the REPORT AN UNSAFE DRIVER FORM in my state ONLINE. I sent it in. Took about a month but they responded by taking away his drivers lic. I said, very nicely, they have elder exams...go pass one and I will let you drive again. He became ANGRY-NO WAY I WILL I will take a driver's test. Fine I said, then you won't drive. He would take the keys anyhow like when I was asleep-but there were no more accidents, and this only happened a couple of time, but I did get loud with him, and I feel absolutely NO GUILT, dementia or not. I had to get in the habit of hiding them, locking my door while I slept etc.

Finally he got tired of me screaming, and I did get loud. I kept the keys on my person or hidden or in my room. Slowly we transitioned to me being the sole driver. Then one night...I said to him...can you pull the truck up in the driveway for me? WHAT WAS I THINKING?? I thought I was being nice, had a soft moment where I thought, he can do that and be helpful and it will make him feel good. How much harm could he do in a driveway? RIGHT into the main trellis of the front porch to the point I thought the porch was going to come down. WORSE..I was jaw dropped open looking at the front of the mangled HOUSE and he walked right past it and said...no big deal, I'll fix it. Of course THAT never happened. And THAT was the very last time he drove. He never even asked after that. I think he knew. Now I can leave the keys out all the time, (Plus I added about 20 extra keys on a big chain so he cannot FIND the truck key and he is not that determined. He can no longer find a single house key that is HIS on a XTRA large keychain. He won't touch my keys or even attempt to drive anymore, but then again, he is much worse then when this started.

Any of these accidents could have been someone's life, or mine, or his. Thankfully they were not. I'm all for laying down the law...give her a fake key but in the mean time either have her Doctor or YOU report her as unsafe. I can sleep guilt free. But I was in denial for obviously at least 3 accidents. Do not WAIT to report her and have her licensed yanked and let her SEE the letter they send. They do not say WHO reported them either. Which is nice.

I was in a horrible auto accident, took me years to recover. Was not my fault. But the fellow who caused it was well into his 70's. I was just in my 20's. He had half his head SLICED AWAY but lived for about 6 days. There was another lady involved as well. My knees went through the engine block, my sternum was cracked. DON'T be the one who in ANY WAY allows her to harm some one else, if you do, it will be YOUR FAULT!

No this is not mean to do it call "Compasionat Deceit". It sounds really good not only will it protect her from getting in an accident but will protect others from her accidentally hitting them.

Thats fine. Its like a toy in that way. Eazy peasy!

Disable the car by removing some key components - spark plugs, i. e. Good Heavens - she should not be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle as the person she MAY kill won't be herself.

"Misplace" them. ?

Why is it so hard to take away a key from someone who shouldn't be driving? You are the grown up now, they are like children. Just take the key and tell them you'll drive them where they want to go.

Lots of good answers here. Just the other day, my mom 95 who I am taking care of 24/7 took my car keys and tried to sneak out the back door to go home. She is living in her own home, my bf and I have been living with her for almost 5 years now since my dad passed away in 2013. She has frontal lobal dementia and is constantly wanting to go places at odd times of the day. The home she talks about is with her parents. (both deceased more than 50 years). So getting back to her taking my car keys, I asked for them back politely, she put them behind her back and said No. I asked for them again, then she threw them out the back door. (not far landed on the porch) She was going to drive herself home. She was not in her right frame of mind that morning. Then she started ranting about how I have everything and she has nothing and that I am keeping her prisoner. She said she hopes the police come to take me away and all my family. Then I said will if they come and take me away, who is going to cook, clean, bathe you, wash your clothes, take you to your drs?? She said the police. I said no, that is not their job. After that she quieted down and went back to her chair to sit down and watch her tv program. Keeping the car and keys out of sight is a good idea. Hugs to you all having to take care of your aged loved ones.

When mom's eyes became bad, my dad said 'give me your licence or I'll have Ministry of Transport take it away ... you won't need a road test with me if your eyes improve' - so she did & when she had work done on her eyes she said to me 'I think I'll go get my licence back[it had expired by then]' - I said 'it will be very expensive' to which she answered 'no it's not that expensive' - I said 'but all those ads on radio to get everyone else off the road when you are on it will be costly' - she said 'you don't want me to drive anymore' & I agreed - that was the end of the issue 

Several years before I told my kids 'don't get in a car with your grandmother .... come & get me for permission then I could drive' - safety first!

Try an anti-theft steering wheel lock, buy at any hardware store. Tell her it's to prevent theft, of course.

I’m not sure if this is different in different states. In mine, a doctor can order a driving test. Or if you know anyone in law enforcement, sometimes they will watch out for someone who shouldn’t be driving and cite them for an infraction ( probably won’t be hard to find one ) . Then they will lose their license . It seems like someone in authority carries more weight than a family member. We went thru this with my stepfather, IMO he knew he shouldn’t be driving( at that time he could not even remember how to put up the car windows up or down) but my mother refused to take his keys and claimed the dr said he could drive around the neighborhood ( filled with kids) but not on the freeway. His dr. was a quack and refused to order the test. I think they finally had a close call and she started driving. When he passed away, she was nervous driving but we just took her keys when she got to the dangerous stage. She assumed she lost them like everything else lol. I’d just say something like “ oh they must be around somewhere ( leaving out the “at my house” part lol) , we can find them later” and change the subject. Eventually, she made a deal that my husband have her car and drive her when she needed to go. Is limited by his schedule and we need to take her to the dr anyway so it’s ok. Imo safety issues like that can’t be negotiable

We have a Maxima of about the same age. Without a working battery you can't even open the doors. But if she can figure out how to undo the fob, there's a key inside. Betcha didn't know THAT. So if the battery is dead, the car will still run, it will just show a little icon that the battery is in need of replacing.

You could actually get her a dummy key, or take the one you have and mess it up with a screwdriver or something so it simply doesn't work manually.

Be warned, to re-program the new fob is about $200.

But $200 against the possibility of her her having a horrible accident is pennies.

This answer is just something to giggle about. Comic relief! Because all of us can become tired, even frustrated. It’s normal. I’m trying very hard and have managed to (most of the time) successfully remove the guilt over getting exasperated at times.

Okay, the giggle part, for those of you who have raised kids, remember how they would swipe the remote control and change the channel on the television?

Well, being a new mom and not knowing what to do (babies don’t come home with an instruction manual) I thought I could solve the problem by removing the batteries in an old remote and let my daughter play with that one. DID NOT WORK! haha. She started to cry! She knew it didn’t make the picture on the television change.

Also, my kids never wanted to play with toy keys. They would always swipe my keys. So allowing them to play with an old set of used keys did work when I gave them those. Kids are so smart! They know what they want. Can’t do that with old car keys though for our parents. Haha.

Our parents become like our children and know what they want! Just like giving our kids everything isn’t good for them, same with our elderly (senior citizen kids), we can’t give them everything they want. Not good for us either, we would go totally insane!

I was lucky that my mom accepted gracefully that she could no longer drive. I think she looked at me as her personal chauffeur! That’s another story though. Haha.

Yes. And no it's not mean. We did that with my Mom and she didn't know the difference.

Country Mouse has, as always, good points. My mom put her car in my name 5 years ago. I explained to her how expensive her insurance was because of her age. I still use that car to take her for rides, but I have 2 cars that I pay for now. I'm okay with that, but you might want to get rid of yours and put hers in your name? Find out all the gift laws that might be associated with a transfer such as that. I have no idea.

At least she only has one. My mother had more sets of car keys than I ever knew a person could. Just when I thought I had them all, another set would turn up!

I worked on a Memory Care Unit . The patients could see the visitor parking lot from the dayroom windows. Several patients thought they "saw" their vehicle parked there. Some would demand to have their car key as they "knew" that was their car they saw. Took a lot of distractions and "fiblets" to redirect attention.
Having a car represents freedom and independence. One thing you could do is remove car from sight and say it is being repaired. Taking out battery is another way to prevent driving, but best that car is out of view.

Never had to deal with this,since sweet mom gave up driving on her own

When getting a dangerous driver off the road, all’s fair.

Her doctor didn’t tell her “no”? If they are aware and have diagnosed her, especially if she is on medication for dementia they should be your ally. It’s usually much easier if they tell her; somehow it’s easier when it comes from the doctor. Another way might be to call Motor Vehicle, and tell them what medication she takes for dementia, which is what my daughter did for her father. With the letter they send canceling the license you might inquire from the car company if they can give her a buy back or cancel her lease. Let her keep her dignity because she might feel that’s all she has left. I found everything is easier if you talk about things you’re going to be doing with your loved one, and make lists of things you want to do “with” them. It’s a lonely scary world when they start to lose the power they had to control it.

So you’ve told her she can’t drive? But then you would give her the dead key fob? It sort of send a mixed message. As long as the car is there she will continue to ask.
Do you have POA? Personally I would sell your car and use hers and you make the payments. Is it nearly paid for? Or sell her car off and when it comes time get a different car.
If you can’t do either you could put a club on the steering wheel so she can’t drive it. But I wouldn’t give her the fob if you are telling her she can’t drive. I know it gets old answering the same questions.

I have a good friend I give rides to places. When her vision got to the point I knew she had no business driving I went with her to her eye appointment. (I always went in to the appointment with her as she is also hard of hearing and needed me to "hear" the doctor for her and remind her of what he said. Anyway, at one appointment I asked the doctor several times in front of her if he felt it was time for her to give up driving. He wouldn't answer. Just skipped over the question. Maybe I should have called them ahead of time to let him know what was going on but he was no help at all making her give up the car. Finally she had a retina detach and even though they were able to fix it, she had a stroke in that eye and lost her vision in it. She was already blind in the other eye so that took care of the driving problem. She's still going strong, but with me at the wheel instead of her.

Yes,I think that is a very reasonable thing to do.But it might raise other questions like why can't we fix this.It depends on how badly she wants to drive.Have you explained to her that the Dr says it's unsafe for her to drive now?

I hid the keys to my wife's minivan. But she found the spare key to my ford pickup and tried to use it. When she could not get her vehicle started, she just gave up.
But she would still go sit in the passenger seat to go somewhere. However her dementia was so bad by this time she coud not tell me where she wanted to go.

I think you might unintentionally be straying into some ethical hot water, here.

Your mother is paying for the car (is that some kind of finance deal? Any way to wind it up or transfer it to yourself?). It is her car. Is her licence valid? Her insurance?

I'm not saying woo-hoo let her drive if she wants to; but you can't keep her property, allow her to carry on paying for it, and prevent her from benefiting from it all at the same time.

If I were you - in fact, this is more or less what I ended up doing, because I couldn't afford to insure both cars and mother was heartbroken at the thought of losing hers; so was I but we all have to make these little sacrifices humph - I should get rid of your car and buy hers from her. If you haven't already, it is also time to notify her insurers and your local DMV people.

From there, it is reasonable to ask her to pay a proportion of the running and/or finance costs equivalent to how much use she gets from the car. So, say half of your mileage involves taking her to appointments (that'd be a lot of appointments! - but you see what I mean), then she pays half.

Has she given you power of attorney, by the way?

Before my FIL's dementia got worse he too thought he could drive but he got lost once and another time had a minor fender bender. As a family we decided no more driving. We knew by telling him straight out it would cause a huge fight because in his mind he was perfectly able. My husband disconnected his car battery and he could not figure that much out. When he asked us to call a mechanic we always brushed him off "oh tomorrow we will" or "not today there's too much stuff going on." At this point in time he no longer has a car (although he forgets that sometimes) but we gave him a bunch of old keys that go to who knows what and it makes him feel secure, like he's in control.