How should I address baby talking and “beautifying” with one of my mom’s very experienced caregivers without being rude?

A good caregiver is worth their weight in gold. If she is great at all of the stuff you mentioned you may want to cut her a bit a slack about the "baby talk", although she shouldn't infantilize your mom. More importantly, how does your mom respond to the "baby talk" and the "beautifying"? Does she enjoy the "extra" of the caregiver?

I've had the same experience (baby talk). We had a caretaker for my elderly sister. I really didn't like the baby talk - the very first moment I saw the caretaker do that, I told her politely to speak normally to my sister. The caretaker stopped the baby talk.

It's important. Baby talk is completely inappropriate and devaluing. The elderly people are adults. I definitely didn't want to let that slide.

You know another thing that really annoys me? When a caretaker says "I love you". Those are big words, and they absolutely don't LOVE my sister. They're paid. Let's see how much they would love my sister if they did it all for free, and helped again and again for years. That would be love. I find "I love you", so dishonest and boot licking.

Side-note: We currently have great caretakers. My sister is very happy with them.

Sorry, that would so bug me. Mom was in an AL and LTC and not once did I hear an Aide or nurse talk "babytalk" to a resident. Talk about demeaning. And putting barrettes in her hair, if my Mom didn' use them before, she would not appreciate them now. I always made sure Mom looked nice. I put her clothes together in sets so she would match. Otherwise the aids just grabbed a top and slacks and they didn't match. My Mom was big on things matching.

What do u mean by babytalk. Like talking to an infant or a 4 yr old. If its like chalk on a blackboard to you than I would ask her to stop. "Could you please do me a favor, talking to my Mom like that for some reason just rubs me the wrong way" make it about you not her doing something wrong. or "sorry, for some reason the way you talk to Mom seems to bother me" Or like said, let it roll off ur back.

Her behavior would bug me too. I didn’t speak baby talk with my children or my parents. It’s patronizing to speak this way to an adult.

How is her behavior affecting your mom? Is your mom offended by her behavior? Is she annoying to your mom? I would focus on how your mom responds to her personality and act accordingly.

I read your profile. I also cared for a mother who had Parkinson’s disease and dementia. It’s difficult to watch our parents decline, and of course, we want the best fit as far as caregivers go.

Whenever, I found myself with a caregiver who wasn’t the best fit for my mother, I called the agency and requested that they send a replacement.

I told the agency what I liked and disliked in a caregiver. They were accommodating and sent a replacement.

We were sent a caregiver for my mom who was a wonderful match for my mom. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you see that your mom is uncomfortable with the caregiver.

If your mom isn’t uncomfortable and you are having difficulty getting past her “baby talk” you can ask the agency to speak with her about it. Or you can politely tell her yourself.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Hi MCassin - I actually think everything else that the aide does for your mother overrides it. But, that's just my humble opinion. The idea that this caregiver is so skilled and making your mother's life easier and more functional would ease my mind, and actually that's more important to me. But, it's really your call!

Have you actually asked her to stop talking "baby talk" to mom?
If not I think you should mention it. She may not even realize she is doing it, it might have become a habit.
As for the barrettes..does mom pull at them? does she seem to want them out? does using them keep her hair out of the way and make it easier to care for mom? If mom dies not seem to mind, if she is not wanting them out, if they keep hair off her face, out of food I would let this go.
The baby talk would get me as well, I don't talk baby talk to babies, infants, toddlers or anyone else.
She should speak slowly, distinctly and give mom plenty of time to comprehend what has been said and formulate an answer.

Dementia is a horrible and tricky disease for caregivers to manage. If your moms CG is successfully able to manage her with baby talk, and mom isn't upset by it, I'd say let it go and focus on moms needs vs your desires. All rules of normalcy fly out the window ANYWAY when dementia is in the house,...we have to lie to them oftentimes to keep them calm.....so we make concessions constantly to accommodate the disease.

I don't feel like baby talk is devaluing to an elder w dementia unless THE ELDER feels devalued by that type of talk. When my mom lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, her "girls" told her "I love you Joann" all the time and it was a beautiful sentiment that came from the heart. Sure the caregivers are paid, as any and all employees on earth are, but these gals genuinely cared about mom and SHE felt it. She was touched by their feelings for her, which added to her experience in Memory Care. Not everyone has ulterior motives or bad intentions when caring for elders in their own way, thats been my experience over the years. When I was a CG myself, I genuinely cared for the 2 clients I had become close to over time. It happens.

Anyway, I'd leave things alone unless mom seems bothered or uncomfortable by the way her CG is treating her. As far as hair ornaments go, maybe they help mom feel pretty or a bit dressed up for the day. Just my 2 cents on the matter.

Everyone has a different strategy - I had One CNA who Liked to talk On the phone and Play Music but she had a great rapport with My Dad so I could Not complain .

Sounds like your mom’s aide is doing a good job aside from the baby talking. She seems highly competent so I’d let this concern go unless your mother is complaining.

You're making too big a deal of it.

Let the caregiver express her own personality. Do you know how boring it is to be with an immobile demented patient for hours and hours and hours? It makes caregiver happy to keep your mom looking nice, so be glad she's not letting mom lie there all day with her hair hanging in her eyes and no one to talk to. Let her manicure your mom's nails if she wants. Or give her a pedicure. Anything to ward off the stultifying boredom of what they're both going through.

My mom's caregiver during her dementia dressed her carefully in her nice clothes every day. She cut her hair and curled it. She put mom's pearls on her and they chose the earrings for the day together. Mom's nails were usually nicely lacquered and her makeup on - lipstick, eyebrow pencil. This gave them something to do, something in common, and smiles. Because right around the corner, mom was going to die in a horrible way. Why not enjoy what you can while you can?

As for the baby talk, so what? It might irritate you, but you have all your brain. It may be just what your mom wants and needs, a feeling that someone is nurturing and caring, just like when she was a well-loved little girl. Which hopefully she is again in her own brain.

If your mother isn't bothered by the baby talk and the hairstyling, or even seems to like it, then you need to leave it be no matter how badly it sets your own teeth on edge.

If your mother is bothered by it, then you refer the caregiver back to her person-centered care guidelines.

Yeah, that would drive me crazy too.... BTW when it's done to older people it's known as elderspeak, you can google that term.
BUT you have to pick your battles and since this person is kind and competent you may have to swallow your reaction, believe me when I say there are worse things. Usually when my mom's caregivers were there I made sure that I wasn't, that way there was less chance of me getting bothered buy the small stuff.

I see both sides. The caregiver seems to be doing a good job in the things shes needed for most so you could say pick your battles

But this would drive my crazy. Could she be approached, by prefacing how much you value her and appreciate her but would also prefer she not baby talk?

It might very well be the aide has no problem with stopping it and would be glad to know your preferences.

Baby talk would drive me crazy too! (Frankly, I'm sick of every cashier calling me "hun." Wish I had a passive-aggressive come-back. I'm 62.) That said, we had plenty of worse experiences w some of my mom's aide. Teen Mom, who stole her change jar. Meth Girl, who brought her own laundry--without asking come immediately to mind

Dementia in many cases takes the patient back to when they were a kid. My mom liked to be told she was a “pretty girl” and in taking care of her, I think she got the love and care that she always wanted and never received from a hard upbringing. I no longer care for my mom but her caregivers baby talk her and if that doesn’t bother your mom, it shouldn’t bother you.
Barettes and baby talk are expressions of love and it might not be the love language you respond to but if it makes your mom have a good day in the 36 hour day, let it be.

You also don’t know how this will be received. Imagine if the caregiver goes extreme and becomes super cold and grey rock on your mom, doing the bare minimum.

I can see how it could annoy you but you are not the human at the center of this issue.

The baby talk and barrettes would annoy me as well.

However....try to overcome your annoyance and let it go.

If this particular caregiver is "very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding).." then overlook the other things that annoy you but are harmless and may actually be giving your mother comfort.

I have 3 caregivers currently and each one of them annoys me in her own way but they're not caring for me, and they are kind to my mother while I get out for a couple of hours.

Peace.

If it annoys your Mom, definitely do something about it. It annoyed the heck out of my elderly sister. I told the caregiver politely, to stop. I myself also find it very demeaning, to speak to an adult with baby talk. I really think all caregivers worldwide should stop that. They're not babies! They're adults who unfortunately, for whatever reason, need care. We'll all need care too, if we live long enough.

Good Morning,

Let it go...do you know how lucky you are to have a caregiver who is providing all of the necessities of daily living. Don't we all love to be pampered. There is a labor shortage nation wide. Believe me, caregivers are not overpaid, more like overworked, underpaid and it is back-breaking work.

You have to speak slow, calm and loving with dementia patients.

I wish you could send her over to my place. I need someone to do my hair!

When I worked in a hospital, complaints to management about patient communication included baby talk and the word sweetie. If the care agency is diligent, can you ask them to communicate to all staff? In that way, the offending person may not know that the complaint was about them personally and that it becomes generalized. Do let the manager know that mom's care is exemplary and explain to the manager about generalizing the complaint so as to make it a teaching moment to all staff.

I can understand how that might bug you. I guess I’d have to decide if it was worth loosing someone who obviously cares a great deal for your mom if she breaks into baby talk and wants to add a pretty thing to her hair. If it were me, and it didn’t seem to make my mom upset, I’d let it go, and just take the barrettes out when she leaves. But, that’s me.

If it does not seem to annoy your mom, personally I would let it go. I often have the same dilemma with my mom but I have to learn to separate my own reactions from what she might be experiencing. If she is in dementia she may like it more than you realize. These are expressions of kindness from the caregiver, and as I'm currently dealing with the abrupt communication and rough handling by one of my mother's caregivers in a facility, and it has caused me no end of pain and grief, I would give anything to have someone baby talk my mother. When she had all her wits about her, yes, I preferred people to talk to her as an adult. But as she has rather rapidly slipped into memory loss I notice she responds to more tenderness and silly communication then she did before. She latched onto a caregiver who would drive me crazy because the caregiver is silly with her... And I almost remonstrated her, but it turns out she holds hands with that caregiver and says she "reminds her of someone she knows". Expressions of kindness, however they are made, are critical at the end of life. We also have to be careful about demoralizing good caregivers because they may choose to quit, and if she's great at these other tasks you don't want to lose that. Not so easy to see to find these days. Best of luck to you.

Being direct and clear is not being rude.

Start with "Thank you for caring for my mom as you do, I really appreciate you." Then ... You give her an example of how to speak to your mother and ask her, the caregiver, if she understands.

If you do not want barrettes or things like that, tell her. Thank you, but no barrettes. "Just do it like this" ... and show her. Perhaps part of the communication is that you are leaving 'so much' up to the caregiver. Of course, some things like this (hair styles/decorations may happen - this is when you get the care giver back on track).

Expressing yourself in a kind and clear manner is being respectful to the caregiver, and anyone else you speak to.

And, by asserting yourself with this care provider, you are showing respect to your mother.

Do not give your inner power away to a caregiver, or anyone else.

Gena / Touch Matters

The only important question here, to my mind, is how does your MOM feel about this caregiver. You have already told us she is excellent at her job; if mom loves her and enjoys this attention then it would be all answered, for me, at least. I am 80 and I can't even stand to be addressed as "dear". I am not their dear, nor their deer either! But some folks just love it. And the important person in this issue is your mom.

I think you're making a big deal out of it. I think humans have a tendency to project their own feelings onto a situation in order to make sense of it. While the baby talk would be grating, how bad is it really, in the scheme of things? Is it her tone of voice or is it actual baby talk (How's my widdle patient today? Would her like a pwetty barrette in her pwetty hair?) My mom, who is 92 and with mild dementia, loves being fussed over. She sits in her room at the nursing home all day long, with few people to talk to, so she loves when the nurses and the aides tell her how pretty she is and how much they love her. They bring her headbands and paint her nails for her. They tell her she's their favorite and they wish she was their mom. If they're lying, so what? Mom eats it up and it makes her happy. As long as she's clean, fed, and kept comfortable, I plan to pick my battles.

It is important.

Good caregiving isn't just about physical needs (bathing...whatever). It's also about how you talk, etc., psychological needs. A caregiver can intentionally or unintentionally do a lot of psychological harm to a client.

Addressing babytalk with the caregiver is important, if the babytalk bothers your Mom. In our case, the babytalk really annoyed my elderly sister.

If you're afraid to speak up, that's not a good sign. It's probably the wrong caregiver, if one feels so intimidated one can't make polite suggestions. Our caregiver stopped the babytalk right away. I just politely said, please stop.

I see many here don’t like baby talk.

I’m the opposite. In my house, everyone is called baby. My husband and I call each other baby. I call my two teen girls baby. Our little poodle is also called baby. I baby talk to the kids and they are fine with it. We all baby talk to the little poodle. That’s how we show affection.

We don’t do that in public though.

In my CNA class, we were taught to address the Resident as Mr./Mrs unless otherwise requested by the Resident to use first name, or if a family member told us she used a nickname. Baby talk was a big no.

Just to make sure I understand she does an excellent job of caregiving and your bothered by her putting a barrette in her hair? Maybe further context will help lend some understanding as to the reason this has you contacting a support forum, we are here to lend support but sometimes further clarification or context needed. Regarding “baby talk” that’s a broad area - so pls give a couple specific examples, does she address your mother as “hi baby” or “what does baby want” or is it more like her calling her sweetie etc? There’s a big difference between overdone “what does little baby want to eat” and simply addressing her in an endearing manner such as sweetie. What’s relevant here though is how the care recipient takes to it, since her caregiving is good/ excellent in itself, it’s important to separate your own personal likes or dislikes about this from what your mom likes. She may enjoy or benefit from the bit of pampering she gets

What exactly do *you* consider "baby talk"? Is she using a cooing voice like one would with a baby? What is she actually saying to your mother? Without knowing what you mean by "baby talk" I don't know if you're overreacting or not.

As far as the barrettes go, let it go. There's no harm in her playing with your mother's hair. It's positive attention and interaction.

Just tell her it's unacceptable and put a stop to it. If you don't want her sticking barrettes in your mother's hair, she has no business doing so.

These people are EMPLOYEES, not employers, or charity workers.