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Hi! I have a caregiver from an agency that comes in regularly to take care of my mom. My mom has dementia, is immobile, slow to process questions, etc. basically can’t do anything for herself. This caregiver bugs me. She is very experienced and very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding) but I am bothered by how she baby talks to my mom and wants to “make her beautiful” by putting barrettes in her hair (which my mom has never used in her life). Anyway, I’m ok for her to make changes as long as it’s for facilitating ease of care. How do I address this with her without being rude? Am I making a big deal about this? Thanks for reading!

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You're making too big a deal of it.

Let the caregiver express her own personality. Do you know how boring it is to be with an immobile demented patient for hours and hours and hours? It makes caregiver happy to keep your mom looking nice, so be glad she's not letting mom lie there all day with her hair hanging in her eyes and no one to talk to. Let her manicure your mom's nails if she wants. Or give her a pedicure. Anything to ward off the stultifying boredom of what they're both going through.

My mom's caregiver during her dementia dressed her carefully in her nice clothes every day. She cut her hair and curled it. She put mom's pearls on her and they chose the earrings for the day together. Mom's nails were usually nicely lacquered and her makeup on - lipstick, eyebrow pencil. This gave them something to do, something in common, and smiles. Because right around the corner, mom was going to die in a horrible way. Why not enjoy what you can while you can?

As for the baby talk, so what? It might irritate you, but you have all your brain. It may be just what your mom wants and needs, a feeling that someone is nurturing and caring, just like when she was a well-loved little girl. Which hopefully she is again in her own brain.
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A good caregiver is worth their weight in gold. If she is great at all of the stuff you mentioned you may want to cut her a bit a slack about the "baby talk", although she shouldn't infantilize your mom. More importantly, how does your mom respond to the "baby talk" and the "beautifying"? Does she enjoy the "extra" of the caregiver?
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Good Morning,

Let it go...do you know how lucky you are to have a caregiver who is providing all of the necessities of daily living. Don't we all love to be pampered. There is a labor shortage nation wide. Believe me, caregivers are not overpaid, more like overworked, underpaid and it is back-breaking work.

You have to speak slow, calm and loving with dementia patients.

I wish you could send her over to my place. I need someone to do my hair!
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Hi MCassin - I actually think everything else that the aide does for your mother overrides it. But, that's just my humble opinion. The idea that this caregiver is so skilled and making your mother's life easier and more functional would ease my mind, and actually that's more important to me. But, it's really your call!
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If it does not seem to annoy your mom, personally I would let it go. I often have the same dilemma with my mom but I have to learn to separate my own reactions from what she might be experiencing. If she is in dementia she may like it more than you realize. These are expressions of kindness from the caregiver, and as I'm currently dealing with the abrupt communication and rough handling by one of my mother's caregivers in a facility, and it has caused me no end of pain and grief, I would give anything to have someone baby talk my mother. When she had all her wits about her, yes, I preferred people to talk to her as an adult. But as she has rather rapidly slipped into memory loss I notice she responds to more tenderness and silly communication then she did before. She latched onto a caregiver who would drive me crazy because the caregiver is silly with her... And I almost remonstrated her, but it turns out she holds hands with that caregiver and says she "reminds her of someone she knows". Expressions of kindness, however they are made, are critical at the end of life. We also have to be careful about demoralizing good caregivers because they may choose to quit, and if she's great at these other tasks you don't want to lose that. Not so easy to see to find these days. Best of luck to you.
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Dementia is a horrible and tricky disease for caregivers to manage. If your moms CG is successfully able to manage her with baby talk, and mom isn't upset by it, I'd say let it go and focus on moms needs vs your desires. All rules of normalcy fly out the window ANYWAY when dementia is in the house,...we have to lie to them oftentimes to keep them calm.....so we make concessions constantly to accommodate the disease.

I don't feel like baby talk is devaluing to an elder w dementia unless THE ELDER feels devalued by that type of talk. When my mom lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, her "girls" told her "I love you Joann" all the time and it was a beautiful sentiment that came from the heart. Sure the caregivers are paid, as any and all employees on earth are, but these gals genuinely cared about mom and SHE felt it. She was touched by their feelings for her, which added to her experience in Memory Care. Not everyone has ulterior motives or bad intentions when caring for elders in their own way, thats been my experience over the years. When I was a CG myself, I genuinely cared for the 2 clients I had become close to over time. It happens.

Anyway, I'd leave things alone unless mom seems bothered or uncomfortable by the way her CG is treating her. As far as hair ornaments go, maybe they help mom feel pretty or a bit dressed up for the day. Just my 2 cents on the matter.
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I think you're making a big deal out of it. I think humans have a tendency to project their own feelings onto a situation in order to make sense of it. While the baby talk would be grating, how bad is it really, in the scheme of things? Is it her tone of voice or is it actual baby talk (How's my widdle patient today? Would her like a pwetty barrette in her pwetty hair?) My mom, who is 92 and with mild dementia, loves being fussed over. She sits in her room at the nursing home all day long, with few people to talk to, so she loves when the nurses and the aides tell her how pretty she is and how much they love her. They bring her headbands and paint her nails for her. They tell her she's their favorite and they wish she was their mom. If they're lying, so what? Mom eats it up and it makes her happy. As long as she's clean, fed, and kept comfortable, I plan to pick my battles.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 26, 2023
This really is the bottom line. If mom is satisfied, that’s all that matters.

Baby talk would absolutely drive me crazy but if it makes someone else feel special, I say, go with the flow.
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If your mother isn't bothered by the baby talk and the hairstyling, or even seems to like it, then you need to leave it be no matter how badly it sets your own teeth on edge.

If your mother is bothered by it, then you refer the caregiver back to her person-centered care guidelines.
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Dementia in many cases takes the patient back to when they were a kid. My mom liked to be told she was a “pretty girl” and in taking care of her, I think she got the love and care that she always wanted and never received from a hard upbringing. I no longer care for my mom but her caregivers baby talk her and if that doesn’t bother your mom, it shouldn’t bother you.
Barettes and baby talk are expressions of love and it might not be the love language you respond to but if it makes your mom have a good day in the 36 hour day, let it be.

You also don’t know how this will be received. Imagine if the caregiver goes extreme and becomes super cold and grey rock on your mom, doing the bare minimum.

I can see how it could annoy you but you are not the human at the center of this issue.
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The baby talk and barrettes would annoy me as well.

However....try to overcome your annoyance and let it go.

If this particular caregiver is "very good at the technical caregiving (bathing, dressing, changing, feeding).." then overlook the other things that annoy you but are harmless and may actually be giving your mother comfort.

I have 3 caregivers currently and each one of them annoys me in her own way but they're not caring for me, and they are kind to my mother while I get out for a couple of hours.

Peace.
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