Mom is hateful, my husband thinks it's dementia. How can I find out from long distance?

I guess it is impossible not to take it personally at times, despite knowing it is the disease and not their true selves. Though the theory does seem plausible that it is their true selves "coming out" (such as with an excess of alcohol?), I have to question it after reading the article in Newsweek (Sep 2008) in which a woman describes her mother's case of "pleasant dementia". Very interesting read.

It seems the things that always irritated me about my mother are exacerbated, and there are new things to apall me now, and the good moments are fewer and farther between. We are living with the grief of losing them while their body shells are still present and require care. It is no wonder there is a support site such as this. Hugs to all, and many prayers go out for each and every one of you.

LC2:

Since she's broke, do your best to return the $1,500. That might keep her quiet for about a week or so.

Dumping on you is her way of feeling better about herself and justify the silly financial decisions she's made. My mother did it. I tuned her out. Now I'm an outcast for the Puerto Rican side of the family. But I can live with that. At least I'm at peace and don't have to put up with her BS anymore.

To send me on yet another guilt trip, she once blurted out "Forget I'm your mother" b/c I wouldn't give her $500 to honeymoon in Puerto Rico with a 23 y/o gangbanger from across the street. I said "I'm well on my way."

LostChild2: Walk away for now.

The latest update...probably the same old story....I had 9 hours of horrid text messages from mom yesterday. 5 hours Saturday. 4 hours Friday night. She says she wants to "kiss and make up". Then off she goes into belittling me, insulting me and making sure I understand that she believes me to be the most horrid person in the world. She wants me to call her. I finally tired - just so she'd leave me alone. Her phone went straight to voice mail. Then more ugly texts. I replied that I had tried to call her, but would not argue with her and that I was going to bed. One more text came - WHO CARES IF YOU CALL. YOU ONLY CAUSE HEARTACHE. I hate to walk away from her. But I am beginning to see no recourse. She is safe with my cousin and taken care of - how long that will last is a mystery. My nerves can't take much more and my MS symptoms are more pronounced lately.

Hi Lostchild2, sometimes I feel lost, when I'm trying take care of my 75y/o Mother, w/Dementia, for the past 3years now. She can be the sweetest, good natured person, she's known to be. Then there's times where she can be just "out right" hateful toward me, and other family members, when she's in her suspicious modes. She complains about everything out loud, and checks if I'm listening, which most of the time, I try to block it out, because of all the negativity, and just try to stay in peace. She thinks everyone in our family is stealing her things, she thinks I'm not giving her, her medicines @ the right times, and claims she always took her meds by herself, for years. She says a lot of degrading things about family members. Then I wonder why, we don't have much family visits. Because I don't talk about these things, with family members. Only when I need help with some situations, which is rare, and if it serious, and needs to be addressed. I did get some help from the caregivers support group, Alzheimer's Association, VA caregivers support, some books, my Brother & Sister-in-law, and my Daughter, Thank God, for all the help. Hope some of this, if not all of this, can help. Take care, and wish you the best.

inthestorm: I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. My deep condolences to you.

Inthestorm if you google Teepa Snow she is a nurse that has dealt with Dementia/Alz patients and can give you great information on what's actually happening to your mom. Her brain is literally shrinking. It's all so frustrating but if you learn a little more about the disease and how to handle situations that arise from it ...it sure makes life a lot better. I learned so much from Teepa and this forum. These people are wonderful for advice because they all have traveled the roads of Dementia and Alz. Many have lost their loved ones and some are struggling with the same as you. There is so much love and care in this group. Share your stories and frustrations and receive the hugs. Its great therapy. Good luck and God bless you on your journey.

Aw, Jeanne...I either didn't know or didn't remember that now you are going through it with your mom, after all you went through with your husband!! BLESS YOUR HEART, and I mean that in the sincerest sense of that Southern phrase I've picked up here.

I have promised myself to try to make myself think the most positive way I can and be as sweet as I can so if I get dementia at least I won't be in the *habit* of spouting venom without a second thought. My mom was difficult and would be worse if she was in pain or having a UTI or other infection somewhere. I often envied my friends whose moms were sweet and grateful most all the time. I think inthestorm has it right - empathy, ability to judge and censor suffers as a cognitive skill, even though the same person may be "in there." I can't say my mom was ever my friend, or someone I could confide in or commiserate with; she was always too harsh and judgemental, too likely to just tell you why you should not have that problem or feel that way. So I did not "lose" that per se...but I did have to imagine the world from Mom's point of view, realizing that as hard as things were for me, she was losing everything and trying to hang on to some shred of dignity and control. Inthestorm, some people have written how relationships don't end at death, you still relate to the person who is gone in you own mind and memories.... maybe even though your mom is still here, you can go back to her in your mind as she was before, even talking to her (without her there) if you need to. And maybe we can all give you a little mothering and virtual tea and sympathy on here, too. I think that's why I still spend so much time here, anyways. Dealing with anger and the feelings of inadequacy when it is all being blamed on you, mainly because you are there to be blamed, is no picnic! Regardless of how you think or feel about the label of "personality change" with dementia, it is so important not to take it personally.

If I haven't suggested this to you before, inthestorm, let me say that one of the most useful books I have read about dementia caregiving is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia," by Pauline Boss.

Thank you Jeanne. My mom read a lot too and some of her historical novels have crossed over into her life, now, I think.

My mom used to be grateful too, but, like you said, her filters are weakened. Makes me cry. I cry because she is trying to hold on to some sense of dignity knowing all along she is losing her mind.

She sees my weary face and weight loss but blames everyone else, not her and no one needs to blame anyone, it is what it is. It is so hard to not get angry so we fill ourselves with pity for everyone and numbness.

Mom, and so many, are in that inbetween place of knowing but not knowing. She isn't here, but she isn't quite there, yet. She is hanging on a cliff and I want to pull her back but I can't. If only I knew what is to come, how long, when...but I don't, none of us do. I am so sorry this has happened to your husband. It could be any of us one day. I pray something comes along soon to help us.

Dementia, loss of memory and mind, is a category all of its own.

Warm hugs to you, inthestorm. I know what you mean about aging yourself as a caregiver! And I know the feeling of "I want my Mommy!" only Mommy is the source of the pain. That was a huge source of grief for me with my husband's dementia -- no one to comfort me over this great loss.

I think you are right in one sense, that fear is now your mother's true feeling. But I strongly disagree that what people say and do with dementia necessarily represents their true self.

I had never heard my husband swear or use vulgar language. I do occasionally but him, never. So it was a shock to hear him swear after he developed dementia. But you can't live in our culture and not hear those words. They were in his brain, and when the filters were weakened, they came out of his mouth. Incidentally he also started using other words that were in his brain from reading but were not commonly heard in our social set -- very sophisticated words, not vulgar at all, just uncommon.

Our filters are part of who we are, not something that prevents our true selves from showing through. They represent the values we have learned through the years and decided to incorporate into our lives.

My mother was never ever demanding. She was self-effacing and always appreciative of anything done for her or given to her. She was one of the most tolerant people I know. And now she has dementia. It breaks my heart that she isn't saying "thank you" any more. I know that this is trivial compared to the hideous behaviors sometimes seen in dementia, but it is a loss to her family nevertheless.

The Mom who was your best friend is your True Mom. The Dementia Mom, with the filers weakened, is the impostor, because of the defects now in her brain. Hang on to your memories of True Mom. That is who she would still be if she could.

Mom was declining but with the srokes came the dementia and with dementia came the anger and inability to censor, what I believe, is her true feelings based on fear and losing control of her thoughts.

I have aged 10 years in one year in caring for my mom because caring for her has destroyed my safe place, my home. My mom...my friend...has become my enemy and all I want to do is call my mom...my best friend... to tell her how unhappy I have become, but she is gone.

Mom was declining but with the srokes came the dementia and with dementia came the anger and inability to censor, what I believe, is her true feelings based on fear and losing control of her thoughts.

I have aged 10 years in one year in caring for my mom because caring for her has destroyed my safe place, my home. My mom...my friend...has become my enemy and all I want to do is call my mom...my best friend... to tell her how unhappy I have become, but she is gone.

I suspect that Madeaa is right. If Mom has dementia, Cousin will figure it out.

You have done what you could. Now detach. Let Cousin handle it. If/when Cousin can't handle it, know that Mother needs care that neither of you can give her. Help Cousin find a suitable long term care center.

Meanwhile, send your mother an occasional note or greeting card. Don't give her your phone number. Feel sad that you can't be of more help, but proud that you did what you could. Move on with your life.

I am sorry to hear of your family situation. I know in these trying situations, we can hang on to God that God is of Love. As we age, we do lose our self controls. Sometimes it's medication. Sometimes it's medical conditions. Minor strokes can change our emotions also. I have seen many years ago how a major stroke changed our mother having less restraints against others. But there was healing and closeness developed overtime. Thanks to God.

Oh my, i definitely feel for ya! My 90 yr old mother had to live w/me & my BF in a 1 BDRM APT for 4 months cuz she was displaced from her house. Needless to say, same thing, she DID NOT like my boyfriend (of 13 yrs) cuz he was "not family" (we werent married). Had NO say so in anything that came up re: HER affairs, if her & i were discussing something & HE walked in the room, she would all of a sudden just stop talking, give him a dirty look & tell me we'd "talk later". He spent most of the time in the bdrm cuz didnt want to be around her, i did the same quite often cuz just didnt want to argue w/her about anything. All she wanted to do was "go home" & could we call my brother, which he was the reason she got displaced in the first place. Was always saying how HE always took care of everything even tho i was helping her w/her finances, etc. In the beginning i felt as tho i were going to have a stroke from stress! By the 3rd month i just started ignoring her &/or spent more time in the bdrm, my BF & i felt like prisoners in our own apt. Of course when i DID ignore, then she'd get mad & say, "Oh, now you're not talking to me???". PATIENCE is all i can tell you, if she's ok staying alone, don't be afraid to go back to whatever you used to do even if it means being away for a few hours AFTER work, anything to relax to keep your sanity!! If i knew i or we were going to not come home til a late hour, i would tell her where i was going & what TIME i would be home, to NOT wait up for me so she could go to bed & not worry, THAT worked. Good luck to you! :o)

Yes...I agree with all of the above. Dementia changes the personality completely. My mom was a sweet caring soul. She came to live with me and my family after a fall in July...was diagnosed with progressive dementia. Later discovered it was Lewy body dementia and she was horrible to me. I was her favorite before but once she went down hill she had no recollection who I was. She was rude, moody and abusive. That was so not my sweet mama at all. It changes them into a Jekyl and Hyde. The sundowning at night was the time it was really bad. Dementia is a strange and frustrating disease. I feel for you...my mom lost the battle in January. She went in the worst way...she stopped eating and drinking and with her DNR advance directive the only thing we could do for her was keep her comfortable. Thank god we had Hospice. Good luck...I'm sorry but you have a rough road ahead of you. God Bless.

I understand your predicament and also disagree with some of the comments concerning dementia and aggressive behavior. My mother is in assisted living and a resident with dementia just attacked another resident last weekend and did some very noticeable damage to her. She has 2 black eyes and a huge bruise on the back of her head. All of these ladies are in their 80s and all have some form of dementia. My mother is there because she ran away from home where she lived with me. She made wild accusations about my behavior and has pretty much alienated our family. I am the oldest daughter of 3 and thought I was helping by agreeing to let her live with me before she got dementia. Over the last 6 years, her behavior became more and more bizarre, she got depressed about getting old and being unable to do things she could do before and hit me and bared her teeth at me like a dog when I wanted to take her to Social Services to get help for both of us. Who is to say what dementia does to anyone. Everyone is different. I also have an autoimmune condition now from the stress of trying to take care of her alone while working full time. I tried everything to help her and find ways to help her find things to do to occupy her time and full fill herself. Nothing worked and all that did was frustrate both of us. There are no easy or pat answers to your problem. Try to do your best by her, give her as much empathy as you can muster and take it one day at a time. These individuals do much better in an assisted living situation or, if they can't function at all on their own, in a memory care unit. Then they can blame the facility for their unhappiness and not you. If there's any way you can work that out, I highly recommend it. It saved my life and my relationship with my mother has improved. If you can't work out AL with your cousin, you need to learn how to ignore the anger and drama. Write nice things to her and don't acknowledge anything else. You can't save her but you can save yourself. Good Luck!

My mom was always very controlling and demanding but with her dementia it has only become worse. In fact, mom gave me the cards that I had given her over the years that she used to cherish. They were alll torn up in little bitty pieces and she put them in my hand. Yes, she can be very hateful. God bless you.

My mom was always the sweetest person imaginable, then started having brief episodes of irrational anger and hatefulness. It took me a while to catch on that she was beginning to experience dementia. At first this happened just occasionally, maybe about once every month or two, and I was completely baffled. When these episodes began to happen more frequently, and she started to exhibit paranoia, it finally dawned on me that she was experiencing dementia that was gradually getting worse. It's a real challenge to deal with the hateful episodes, and I was not always as patient as I should have been. (I was her sole caretaker.) I just returned from her funeral out of state. Very, very mixed emotions; huge-huge-huge relief-relief-relief on the one hand and some sadness on the other hand. She would not have wanted to be this way. Now we are both at peace. What a drawn-out ordeal. Blessings to all of you.

My mom has CHF and I will say when it gets bad and she has trouble breathing she does not think clearly and since she in the last stages that happens often. She gets delusional and paranoid also..but she is also a little bit crazy and always has been.

Chicago: There is absolutely no link between CHF ( Congestive Heart Failure) and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I too am an only child. Dad died almost 2 years ago and for many years mother has been so rude to her family that they have not spoken to her in about 40 years. Dad's side of the family wants nothing to do with her. She thought her friends would take care of her. They did not want to tackle that to her dismay! She actually made me her financial POA as well as Durable Mental and Health care POA. Dementia does make people mean and rude. Your cousin will find this to be true when your mother "wears out her welcome". In the mean time block her number from your husbands phone also - it does neither of you any good to read/listen to her speak to you the way you have described. Also, have found a wonderful book "The 36 Hour Day" about Alzheimer's and Dementia (available on Kindle too!). It will explain alot, to the point of the "aha moment". Take care of yourself - learn some meditation principles, eat correctly, and take care of your MS. I say this almost every time I comment on here - can't remember where I got it but you are only responsible for making sure she has a comfortable place to live, food, and decent health care. That is it. Nothing else. Do Not let her guilt you into anything else! It sounds like your cousin has all of the above in hand so stop stressing about it. It takes time but it comes! If you need anything we are here for you! Take care and many thoughts are coming your way!

Lostchild,

Do you have a relationship with your cousin? Try reaching out to your cousin or another family. Perhaps someone can find a way to convince your mom to go to a doctor for the proper tests to find out.

Those who have dementia can have a mean streak but it could be a number of other things. A friend of mine her mom had a brain tumor, she was a sweet lady and the tumor turned her into a mean and nasty. Swear words she would not use suddenly she was using.

The key is to talk to who is on the good side of your mom and see if they can convince her to seek help.

It is hard not to take these things personally, it really is. But find who she is trusting and seek their help.

Good luck!

LostChild2 ask yourself if she has always been this way or if it is a radical personality change. You may be dealing with a borderline personality issue with your mother if she has always been somewhat like this. You using "the good child" phrase and saying she has convinced you are the "b from hell" are things that make me ask. Be honest with yourself and read up on borderlines if you think it applies. The advice is always that you shouldn't "diagnose people" yourself, but most of these types won't get help so sometimes you have to make an educated guess. If she seems to fit the characteristics you are going to have to learn to have really strong boundaries. That is a lesson my husband and I are learning with his father. Good luck to you Lost! It's a tough road to be sure.

I am finding that my mother's personality disorder is from congestive heart failure. Many illnesses can cause anger issues. But, mine would never see a doctor. I am so sorry, that you are going through this. You are not alone and I think we all take it personally.

Madeaa has it spot on imo. Maybe you should call and talk to your cousin, or write her/him a letter simply explaining that you attempted to help her, she left of her own free will, and while you love her, you have health issues that you need to address rather than putting all your energy into such a destructive relationship.

My mother is the same way. She was always the nicest person around everyone before but could be a handful when it was no one but family. Now, she has no off button. She can't understand that half of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is either racist, bigoted or just flat out ignorant, and while I can overlook most of it, the personal attacks make me regret taking care of her and my father. I live inhome so there's no real escape. (Gave up a job and house of my own to move in with them when it became apparent they could not care for themselves.)
She was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's, plus she is manic depressive/bipolar (we're not sure which, she was diagnosed 30 years ago, refused meds at any point and will not see a therapist for anything because she's so paranoid). She was like this before she became older, but now it's like there's no filter or off switch to it, she will cut loose on anyone, doctors, nurses, strangers in the grocery store. Sometimes I wish they came with mute buttons... then they could rant all they wanted and no one would have to hear it!

My mother can be mean also. There are days when she's as sweet as can be, and then out comes the venom. Like most others here, I have my own medical problems. The stress does not help. It's hard what advice to give you. My mom sometimes refuses to talk to me, and then an hour later it's like nothing happened. I would try to tell you to take it with a grain of salt. At least she's not living with you. Much of her anger comes with trying to cope with the ravages of old age. I know, as I'm getting older myself. I find I am a lot meaner and grouchier than I was when I was younger.

cota4kids I disagree that a person true personality comes out when they have dementia, it is just the opposite, my mother is one of the most loving sweet giving and compassionate person I have ever know, she was diagnosed with dementia many years ago and I seen the changes as she lives with me and I am her full time caregiver, she has days when she can be hateful and mean but it is just the diease not her personality, do not detach, just let the mean things roll off your back and know that it is the disease talking and not her, do not take it personally, show compassion and love her and be as comforting as you can be while still taking care of yourself, will keep you in my prayers, God Bless