How often should I visit my husband in assisted living?

My mom has been in a memory care unit for 4 weeks and she seems to be different every time I go. At first I was going every day, but it really didn't seem like I was helping her get acclimated. She would beg me to take her home, she wasn't getting involved with other residents that much and refused to go to activities. I called Mom's case manager and we both agreed that my mom was still too dependent on me. She suggested staying away for a few days, which I did. When I saw my mom the first time she was so happy to see me! As the days went by her case manager kept me informed and let me know that mom was getting used to things, but she feels uncomfortable with the residents that are far worse than her. I have gone to some of the activities with her and have interacted with the nurses, aides and the residents. I joke with her and tell her that I know more people than she does! I have also noticed that when I arrive I find her interacting with people, but the minute she sees me she goes back to the "I want to go home, I don't like it here" even though I have seen her laughing before she sees me. Yesterday, I picked her up to take her to a doctor appt. and she was just finishing up with lunch. She looked like she was having a great time. When I got her in my car, she said "I'm so glad you got me out of there" but then went on to tell me how much she liked one of the aides and some of the residents.

When I took her back, she stopped outside and told me that she was not going back there, that she was going home. I told her that wasn't possible and when I got her to the common area on her floor, she refused to let me hug or kiss her goodbye. She wasn't nasty, just upset. My thinking is that I shouldn't go every day anymore until she gets fully acclimated. LuvRLabs2, I know this is very hard for you and if you feel like you're detracting your hubby from being totally comfortable, maybe you should back off for a couple of days, or make the visits shorter. If you feel like you're getting stressed, just remember that you are not helping your hubby by being there so much. Will you please keep us posted? I wish you the best.

My mom is not in a facility, but we moved her to our home almost 2 years ago. My stepdad still lives in their home, a 40 minute drive. He comes to visit her every other day. She is stage 7 now so has less and less awareness, but I still think it's comforting to both of them.

This is a difficult time for both of you. When my hubby was in rehab for 4 months earlier this year, I began by visiting him every other day, and sometimes even that was too often. He was tired from therapy and just wanted to nap. I realized I was visiting him more for myself than for him. By the time he was discharged after 4 months, I was going 3 times a week and that was best for both of us.

If you’re visiting that often, especially if sometimes you feel he’s not as welcoming, maybe that is too often. That’s why I didn’t go every day. If this is a permanent situation for you, those daily visits will become tedious for both of you. I spent the time taking time for myself, something I can’t do while he’s home. Ask DH how often he’d like you to visit. You’re correct when you say your visits may be impeding him from settling in. And, there’s always the phone!

That's a tough one to figure out and I am still working trying to figure out what is best for me as well... My parents are both moved to an assisted living/memory care a couple of months ago.. on one hand I am getting more rested.. on the other...I miss them terribly.

For me, the leaving part is the hardest. Sometimes my visits span to 3 or 4 hours and I have been trying to get there 3 times a week. They are always happy to see me.. but never want me to leave. Sometimes the visits are enjoyable and sometimes they are mostly wanting to know why they are there and when can they leave.. or why they don't want to be there. If the visit is not positive I try to end it quickly as I feel like I am wasting my time and theirs.

I'm sure it is different since mine are my parents and you are missing your husband. I would say outside of visiting him and making sure he is ok and has everything he needs.. I would do what works for you.. you need to live your life as well. Maybe you should take at least a few days for yourself.

At least your visits are down to 2 hours.. whereas my weekend visits have been as long as 4 hours. Its just so difficult for me to end the visit on the weekends. I try to visit during the week while I am working and that's a little easier because I tell them I need to go back to work. (any tricks here would be appreciated)

If you decide you want to visit him 2 hours everyday because you miss him and just want to be with him.. I don't think that would hurt his feeling at home there. I try to get to know the other residents and the staff and participate in the activities with them as well while I am there. Sometimes they refuse to participate in activities when they are by themselves.. so it gets them a little more involved.

Glad you are feeling rested tho.. its a tough journey for sure.

I can't tell you any specific amount of time or visits, I'll only say go often enough to keep an eye on things. I'm sure you're doing this. It's my family's experience that when the staff sees you involved and caring it makes them tend to be more involved and care more for your loved one. That may not be the best side of human nature, but it's true nevertheless. So be there enough that they see you notice them and care, just something to keep in mind. Blessings as you go forward in this difficult journey.

It is very hard, everyone's situation is different. He might not acclimate any better if you weren't there, but you won't know if you don't give it a chance. If I were you, I would try going every other day and see if he gest involved in any of the activities. Or, just try going only when you actually want to go. Don't go if you are only going out of a sense of guilt.

It's personal decision, imo. I do think that they facility's recommendation is good. Whatever works for you. With the dementia, I'm not sure how much your husband remembers your visits. When my LO was in regular AL, I would sometimes go by twice a day for various reasons. She would forget that I was there earlier that morning, so, it didn't really matter how often I went. She never remembered. Of course, I still visit, now that she is in MC, I go as often as I can, but, not every day. I'd try to find peace with how much you can handle.